Back At It

30min after Relapse

I'm back! Not happy to be back, given the circumstances that eventually bring all of us to the forum, but it's a start. I'm coming off two months of a pretty good stretch that included only two full relapses. I started dating my girlfriend at the beginning of those two months, and now we're doing long distance while I'm out of state for the summer. So in case y'all didn't see where this is going, I'm back on here with a lot more external motivation to have a successful reboot. 

The last week or so has been trying. I've been dancing on the fringes of relapse - watching P for a few seconds here and there, scrolling through problematic twitter profiles, fantasizing about P when MOing (even though it wasn't super frequent). It was a kind of gradual buildup to the relapse earlier this afternoon, as I had failed to prepare myself to fight through today's temptation. I feel motivated to commit to the reboot, and I don't feel defeated (yet). I want to have a conversation with my girlfriend about my history with P addiction, but I don't know exactly when or how to have that conversation. My hope is to have it soon, but I don't want it to be framed in a reactionary way like "hey I know I did this and I'm sorry but I promise it's gonna get better" without actually taking the time to put supports in place outside the relationship so that this doesn't just become extra baggage for the two of us.

This forum is one of those supports for me. It reminds me why I'm in the fight, why it matters, and that I'm not alone. If I got any Christian brothers on here in the struggle, I appreciate your prayers! If anyone has navigated my situation before and has any helpful tips, I'm open to hearing anything you're willing to share. We aren't sexually active, so PIED isn't an immediate concern for us. But P still creates an emotional barrier and saps my energy in a way that could harm (and may even now be harming) the relationship.

Imma try and be posting daily with updates. I also want to touch base with a couple friends of mine and let them in on where I'm at with the whole thing. I took all social media apps off my phone, so scrolling is becoming less of a problem. I think the next step is actually building new habits, especially in response to urges.

Here's to tomorrow!

Good luck man. Having girlfriend can be helpful in your rebooting if you engage in bonding building behaviours with her.

Reboot Day 2

Yesterday morning, I started an off-season conditioning schedule that will last me the next 6 weeks. The extra focus on fitness seems to have helped balance out my sexual energy, but I can only wait and see how it continues to affect my urges. Yesterday seemed virtually free of triggers. I had a good chat with a friend in the evening about P and how to navigate a successful reboot; we were able to flesh out some ideas about why we find P problematic beyond the risk of PIED, as it helps us both more clearly understand what it means to see P for what it is and see sobriety for what it is. Today has been rather lazy...I've already spent too much time watching IGN videos on youtube, I might have to leave the house if I want to have a hope of achieving productivity. I'm involved in enough things to keep me busy, but there are some days when I can just work from home. These are the times when staying on task is hard. I want to intentionally build healthy internet habits beyond cutting out P, and I think a reboot is an excellent opportunity to do that.

Reboot Day 7 (Relapse)

Took a few days off from checking the forum, came back from a weekend away with family and found myself scrolling through social media profiles I had no business being around. Ultimately ended up relapsing, despite having several opportunities to stop myself and walk away from my computer. I think I'm going to start a habit of disabling my internet every night starting at 9:30 or 10pm, just to eliminate the temptation. I feel pretty lousy about the relapse, especially after a pretty easy week. But still, it's time to brush myself off and give it another go.

Reboot Day 10 (3 days since last relapse)

Currently feeling the urge to MO, and I'm not a fan. I don't think that one MO will derail my reboot, and I haven't been scrolling or looking at questionable sites, but I don't want to reinforce the link between pornographic fantasy and MO. The feeling will pass eventually, I think I'm just gonna dig in and wait it out.

Reboot Day 11

Had another relapse last night/this morning. Was feeling kinda depressed and emotionally worn out with the political situation so I think that was a trigger for me. I think I need to put together some sort of game plan for when I feel the urge/need to watch P or PMO.

Reboot Day 16

I can't remember if I had another relapse since the one 5 days ago...caught myself scrolling today but texted my friend who knows I'm trying to reboot so that was a good step. Ended up MOing later, but stopping myself from scrolling before it went any further feels like growth. Hoping to keep making right decisions in the coming weeks.