Getting My Life Back

Hi everyone. I'm 22, from Nairobi Kenya. I've been watching porn since high school and was sexually active by 18. I was great in bed, but last towards the end of last year my performance started to decline. I had no clue about porn addiction whatsoever and I even shrugged it off when my girlfriend brought it up. I first had ED in February this year, after which I looked it up and found that it was porn induced. Of course I decided to quit and while it wasn't easy, I was making some progress. However, a few months later, I had a series of very unfortunate events. Breaking up with my girlfriend, getting robbed on my birthday, I couldn't find work so I was broke. I felt like I had a dark cloud over my head. I didn't have family to support me cause they sort of abandoned me, and I didn't have anyone close enough to feel comfortable telling this. So I plunged into depression, and weed, alcohol and PMO became my coping mechanism. I lost sight of my goals, stopped working out, detached from people. I became really miserable and the fact that I had ED really damaged my confidence, despite many girls approaching me. A few months back some really sexy girl came into my life, and I decided to open up to her and told he about my PIED. She didn't care that I had PIED and encouraged me to get better, and I did improve for a while. But I slipped back into depression, again because of circumstances, and betrayal by a very close friend and even my own brother. I'm tired of living like this. Porn has taken away my confidence, my drive, my vision, my ambition, my sex life and even damaged my ability to connect to others to some extent. I PMOd last night, and even this morning. Of course, I feel guilty as hell, and feel like I'm not in control of my body or my life. The hardest thing for me is to forgive myself. And after so many times starting over, rebooting started to lose it's meaning, which is why I've decide to join this forum. I know interacting with others who are struggling with the same problem will help my recovery, because you feel a lot stronger knowing that you're not alone.  I haven't found a single person in Kenya struggling to overcome porn addiction that I can talk to to give encouragement and be encouraged by, so that comment means A LOT.
This is day one.
This is my life.
I'm getting back in the driver's seat.

Well, almost the end of day one. I've had a really productive day despite the pathetic start. I met up with old friends, made new ones and did most of what I set to do.

A girl I once had a crush on but wasn't interested a few years back is getting a crush on me now. Lol. Good news, either way. Makes me all the more determined to get my mojo back.

I also realised that adjusting your attitude and having a positive mind when shit happens really helps you navigate the best course. Just pause, and think of it from a different perspective. Like say, rather than problems, you could see things as challenges or goals.

So to anyone reading, you can do this!

DAY TWO

I've had a really awesome day. Spent time with quality friends, got a good amount of things done and have been positive almost all day. I know it's just been a day but I feel really proud of myself. This feels different. Considering I couldn't last more than a day in the past few months.

I've barely had any urges, and I'm really interested in the girl who I once had a crush on but has come around. I worked out, ate well and I'm starting to feel like how I did before all this nonesense....ALIVE!!! I feel like I want to make progress with my life, like I CAN make progress, and that's exactly what I'm going to do!

Today's piece of advise: Read at least one journal every day before bed. It really helps. My resolve had weakened, just a bit, but now I feel stronger. Don't let the cracks grow any deeper. Strengthen your resolve the minute it starts to fade, even if just a little.

Never give up.

A good one bro. You're very positive and cheerful, that's nice  ;D

Chingchongdingdong said:

A good one bro. You're very positive and cheerful, that's nice  ;D

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Thanks man! I mean, I feel ALIVE. How I was before I got all fucked up. It really helps staying positive bro. I CAN and I WILL!
Never give up.

DAY THREE

So first, this is the second time I'm writing this. I dunno what my stupid browser did but despite that infuriating bug, I'll still post.

Okay, so today my hot ex-crush swung by my place. I was nervous at first and even made up excuses not to meet up with her but I changed my mind. After all, the whole point is to tune your brain to real women, right? And you prolly guessed it, things went so well she admitted SHE was nervous. We had a great time and she even wants another date.

Aside from that, had a fairly productive day; worked out, did some jobs, chilled with good friends. I haven't had any overwhelming urges. I feel ALIVE. Like when porn wasn't a part of my routine.

Today's lesson: Don't count the days, make the days count! I want to train my mind to have this positive attitude and productiveness as its default state. Don't look at it as today is +1 with no PMO, see it as another journal entry in a NEW LIFE. Like porn addiction never existed in this version of you. I hope I made sense and brought-a little hope to someone reading this. Stay strong!
Never give up.

DAY FOUR

It's really late...past my bedtime actually.
Had a rather frustrating day. Busy. Didn't do all I set out to achieve, but was too busy to even entertain any urges. Slept really late the previous night cause I was having a talk with my younger brother. Anyways, another with no PMO. I'd say I'm getting used to life without porn, even though I still have a long way to go. I really like the girl that's hitting on me. Frankly, I'm more interested in her than porn, which I'd say counts as a good thing.

Today's lesson, I'm not sure myself, but what I do know is that porn is something that I have to drop entirely. So, keep strong!
Never give up.

DAY 5

So I'm actually posting this in the morning of day 6. I was drinking last night so I sorta passed out. Anyways, had a bunch of urges throughout the day. It also didn't help that I wasn't feeling well. Sleep deprivation and whatnot. Been having late nights cause of work and friends.

A girl came over and I must say my desire to fuck her is noticeably stronger. I got a decently hard boner watching her change, so good news.

Pretty sure we'll hump, so let's see how it goes. But I definitely feel more confident.

Also watched a super insightful video on addiction. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND anyone reading this to watch it. Here's the link https://youtu.be/ao8L-0nSYzg

Stay strong. Never give up.

DAY 6

Had a generally slow day. Spent most of it indoors with the girl who came over. Yes, we boned.

I started off with a good erection, not 100% but hard enough for penetration. Didn't last long in round one though. Had a bit of trouble getting hard for round two but eventually did after some time. We fucked alright for some time, multiple positions. Didn't get her to cum but we still had a good time..

Nowhere near my peak performance, but I'll take the progress as a win. It's barely been a week,  after all.

Had a couple of urges and fantasies started creeping in after she left but I shook them off. Writing this post also helps me remain focused. I'm determined to get better and can't wait to see how much I'll have improved next time. Stay strong!
Never give up.

Hey bro

Great posts. Keep up the good work and thanks for replying to my journal. From one heart throb to another, I have a quick question. 
Do you want to hold each other accountable for staying on pace?

Let me know.

Hey man. Of course!! Let's do this!

DAY 7

So I'm actually posting this on day 8. Was really high the previous night and passed out. Lol. So, I woke up early. Exercise, cleaning up, work. The usual.

Funny how I say it's the usual yet I've been depressed for 5 months. SMH. But yeah, I still feel different. It's been only a week so I don't want to get in over my head.

I had a fairly productive day. Missed the game we lost to Chelsea though. (GGMU)

Had some strong urges and fantasies at night. I'm sure the fact that I was stoned didn't help things either but I held out. I just replaced those thoughts with the picture of the hot girl who's interested in me. I did have a crush on her at first after all so I really like her too.

Yup, that's turning out to be an effective tactic. Focus on what's real. The feeling, not the object itself. I can't explain exactly how she makes me feel (attraction, I guess), but it's a damn good substitute for fantasies and urges. Hope this helps you out. Stay strong. Things do get better, please believe me. And never give up.

Hey nyambz. Good to see you're going strong. I find that being under the influence increases the probability of giving into PMO for sure. Keep up the good work man.

Nofap901 said:

Hey nyambz. Good to see you're going strong. I find that being under the influence increases the probability of giving into PMO for sure. Keep up the good work man.

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Thanks man. I'm having urges as I type this but your encouragement no doubt reinforced my will. You're a lifesaver bruh.

DAY 8

Started out all right but was feeling frustrated towards the end of the day because I wasn't able to do all that I set out to. Went for a walk to calm myself but some negative thoughts and emotions started creeping in later.

As I'm typing this I'm fighting off urges, which I'm sure have to do with the negativity I was feeling earlier.

Today's lesson: negative thoughts and emotions eat away your resolve like acid. Steer clear of them. I think talking to someone will help because what I felt most was loneliness.

I won't give in though. That was a past me. Stay strong everybody. Never give up.

Stay strong bro. Yeah you're totally right negative thinking leads to some bad shit... I like using meditation to calm me down and to stay centered. Helps a ton. Win the day!!

DAY 8

I relapsed today. I don't know why. Had a disappointing day. I'm frustrated with myself. But I want to get back on the saddle ASAP. I'll make tomorrow a better day. Positive attitude. Stay strong brothers.

Damn it?s alright bro. Learn from your relapse and do it even better this time!

Thanks for the encouragement bro. I won't slip up again.

DAY 9

I decided to post this as day nine instead of one again, because I'm not counting days. Failure is part of growth after all.

Ironically, I've been feeling under the weather today. Maybe my relapse made me feel not so unstoppable. I was feeling really confident about the hot girl too until yesterday. Sigh. Starting to feel intimidated.

Anyways, I'll try to rekindle my inner fire and I'm definitely keep moving forward.
Never give up.