Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
This just dawned on me today. We have all heard that our partners porn addiction was not a judgement on us. We are told "it's not personal". Eventually we reach an understanding that it's not about us.
But how often have we heard, and been told, "you weren't available". Even when I found porno mags a year or so before we got online, the excuse was that I hadn't been well. Right from the beginning, that was the first excuse he gave me. I was unavailable so he had porn instead. After he could watch internet porn at home, and after d day, the excuses were: I was asleep when he had the urge so he used porn. I was working late so he used porn. I was studying in the evenings, so he used porn. I lost interest in having a sexual relationship with him, so he had porn. Always, always, always it was down to my unavailability. So, porn was his substitute for sex. According to the way he tried to account for his behavior.
Ultimately I was unavailable and I had given up on having a sexual relationship but that was because he showed very little interest, when I did make an effort he'd turn me down and eventually he couldn't function and I'd just lie there alone, feeling unhappy after failed sex, while he went off to sleep without reassuring me or anything really. I mean, there's only so much of that any woman can take. No-one is going to throw themselves into rejection and failure, especially sexual rejection as it's felt so deeply.
But today I realised, all along it was my supposed unavailability that was the catalyst. I know that like many men he didn't see how his porn use could possibly change anything. Think about it! We ALL know something is off. We almost always pick up some sort of shift or change even when we can't find a rational explanation. Of course it changes things.
I'm actually finding the realisation that he almost always found a way of excusing his porn habit because of my lack of availability to be somewhat traumatic. It's also an example of how we act and react to each other's adjustments to the escalation of the addiction and the deterioration in the relationship.
Now when I remember his "reasons" I see them as excuses. He used the times when I was out or busy or asleep or unwell as opportunities to act out and justified his behavior by saying it's because I wasn't there!
But how often have we heard, and been told, "you weren't available". Even when I found porno mags a year or so before we got online, the excuse was that I hadn't been well. Right from the beginning, that was the first excuse he gave me. I was unavailable so he had porn instead. After he could watch internet porn at home, and after d day, the excuses were: I was asleep when he had the urge so he used porn. I was working late so he used porn. I was studying in the evenings, so he used porn. I lost interest in having a sexual relationship with him, so he had porn. Always, always, always it was down to my unavailability. So, porn was his substitute for sex. According to the way he tried to account for his behavior.
Ultimately I was unavailable and I had given up on having a sexual relationship but that was because he showed very little interest, when I did make an effort he'd turn me down and eventually he couldn't function and I'd just lie there alone, feeling unhappy after failed sex, while he went off to sleep without reassuring me or anything really. I mean, there's only so much of that any woman can take. No-one is going to throw themselves into rejection and failure, especially sexual rejection as it's felt so deeply.
But today I realised, all along it was my supposed unavailability that was the catalyst. I know that like many men he didn't see how his porn use could possibly change anything. Think about it! We ALL know something is off. We almost always pick up some sort of shift or change even when we can't find a rational explanation. Of course it changes things.
I'm actually finding the realisation that he almost always found a way of excusing his porn habit because of my lack of availability to be somewhat traumatic. It's also an example of how we act and react to each other's adjustments to the escalation of the addiction and the deterioration in the relationship.
Now when I remember his "reasons" I see them as excuses. He used the times when I was out or busy or asleep or unwell as opportunities to act out and justified his behavior by saying it's because I wasn't there!