It is the final week of school. I am almost finished the first semester of my final year. It has gone by quickly. I am currently recovering from a two day stretch of an aggressive porn bender, the first session was 9 hours long, and the second, the next day, was 6 hours long. Today I woke up completely disinterested in everything as if sleepwalking. I stayed inside all day and completed a few mundane tasks. I studied about 9 pages of Locke, which was highly uncomfortable, boring, and it took tremendous will power to focus. At no point was I interested or curious about his ideas. I did laundry, and cooked, and meditated for an hour (the meditation was an hour of feeling deeply- a heaviness, boredom, and restlessness in my soul). Now this could sound impressive to some, I suppose, or not impressive but at least not horrible, but I really did not complete any real work. It felt like anything requiring even a semblance of effort was like holding a 300 pound bar on my back. Usually, I could go to the library and hustle and actually complete the work- but porn zaps the brain, kills who I am.
The truth is, I am scared of porn. I am frightened of how impossible it has been to stay stopped (I?ve been trying to quit for two and a half years). I am afraid of time passing, knowing that I am mentally ill, that my brain is warped, that i?ve been lost in a disinterested fog for so long that I don?t know what its like to be healthy and normal, and that I can?t escape it, and maybe condemned to live only a half-life under porns &*%!ing spell. I don?t want to be done with porn when I am 50 and my 20?s and 30?s wasted in this life-sucking addiction. But time and time again I have written in this way and thought in this way, determined never to do it, but the insanity comes in, and I fall back into porn, then get all messed up, and leave it alone for a few weeks, then press repeat, again and again. On a positive note, I?m not giving up. Don?t care, can?t go back to just passively watching it.
The truth is, I am scared of porn. I am frightened of how impossible it has been to stay stopped (I?ve been trying to quit for two and a half years). I am afraid of time passing, knowing that I am mentally ill, that my brain is warped, that i?ve been lost in a disinterested fog for so long that I don?t know what its like to be healthy and normal, and that I can?t escape it, and maybe condemned to live only a half-life under porns &*%!ing spell. I don?t want to be done with porn when I am 50 and my 20?s and 30?s wasted in this life-sucking addiction. But time and time again I have written in this way and thought in this way, determined never to do it, but the insanity comes in, and I fall back into porn, then get all messed up, and leave it alone for a few weeks, then press repeat, again and again. On a positive note, I?m not giving up. Don?t care, can?t go back to just passively watching it.