CoinFlip
Member
Hi all
I've been tinkering with NoFap for a few weeks now - 2-3 days/relapse, rinse repeat. My longest stretch was 19 days and I felt amazing. Trying to get back on track is proving difficult so thought I'd start afresh and chronicle my progress here.
I'm determined to beat this but it's bloody difficult. I'm just beginning to realise how powerful the mind is - it will tell me anything, absolutely anything to get me to look at porn. And the arguments it very neatly stitches together are always rational. I actually find myself arguing with it - anyone else experience that? The biggest argument my mind puts forward is that reality is too tedious to bother with so why put in all this effort. I've had lots of partners, and yes sex can sometimes be great - but you are essentially at the mercy of another person which often leads to frustration. Porn at a click of a button was, to some extent, a remedy. But here is the rub - do I find reality boring because my dopamine addiction has mushed my pleasure centres? I don't know the answer to that, but the brainonporn film puts forward a very compelling argument.
Bit about my background: first encounter with porn - Escort magazine in 1985 when I was 13. The expression Shock and Awe springs to mind. After that I did everything I could to get hold of those very tame but vivifying magazines. I even shoplifted some in my mid-teens because it was the only way I could gain access as a minor. I walked miles trawling roadside ditches - I even leapt into a skip once. Infact, that's reminded me of a recurring dream I used to have- of me jumping into a skip and finding hundreds of porn mags - all the UK oldies, but just as I was feverishly gathering them all together I'd be disturbed by some of my old JW friends (was raised as a JW, part of the reason for my skewed interest in porn - athiest now for 20 years) and I'd blunderingly sputter out "reasons". Then I'd wake up. Then I stumbled across "those guys" who sold VHS copies at carboot sales, very popular in the 90s. I'd buy a dozen or so at a time and binge (despite being married at the time). I'd take days off work (was self-employed) to watch them. And I'd travel miles - and I mean 100 mile round trips to buy the stuff from the car boot people. Then came net porn - I thought I'd floated to heaven. I sometimes spent days looking at porn -12 hours a day consecutively for sometimes up to a week. I can't even begin to add up all the hours I've wasted on the stuff.
Much more to say - I'd like to talk about how it affected my relationships but this post is rambling so will write that later. I'll also talk about the event that began all this a few weeks ago.
So my goal now is 90 days hard mode. Soft mode isn't working - my brain is too cunning. I'm working out every night and have signed up for Tai Chi and yoga classes. I have cold showers every night. All porn has been deleted. I'm eating well and socialising more. Must say none of these things have stopped me relapsing so far - but if I focus and post here every time I get an urge then all to the good. I've got to beat this thing.
Been great reading your posts by the way. Some very inspirational stuff here.
I've been tinkering with NoFap for a few weeks now - 2-3 days/relapse, rinse repeat. My longest stretch was 19 days and I felt amazing. Trying to get back on track is proving difficult so thought I'd start afresh and chronicle my progress here.
I'm determined to beat this but it's bloody difficult. I'm just beginning to realise how powerful the mind is - it will tell me anything, absolutely anything to get me to look at porn. And the arguments it very neatly stitches together are always rational. I actually find myself arguing with it - anyone else experience that? The biggest argument my mind puts forward is that reality is too tedious to bother with so why put in all this effort. I've had lots of partners, and yes sex can sometimes be great - but you are essentially at the mercy of another person which often leads to frustration. Porn at a click of a button was, to some extent, a remedy. But here is the rub - do I find reality boring because my dopamine addiction has mushed my pleasure centres? I don't know the answer to that, but the brainonporn film puts forward a very compelling argument.
Bit about my background: first encounter with porn - Escort magazine in 1985 when I was 13. The expression Shock and Awe springs to mind. After that I did everything I could to get hold of those very tame but vivifying magazines. I even shoplifted some in my mid-teens because it was the only way I could gain access as a minor. I walked miles trawling roadside ditches - I even leapt into a skip once. Infact, that's reminded me of a recurring dream I used to have- of me jumping into a skip and finding hundreds of porn mags - all the UK oldies, but just as I was feverishly gathering them all together I'd be disturbed by some of my old JW friends (was raised as a JW, part of the reason for my skewed interest in porn - athiest now for 20 years) and I'd blunderingly sputter out "reasons". Then I'd wake up. Then I stumbled across "those guys" who sold VHS copies at carboot sales, very popular in the 90s. I'd buy a dozen or so at a time and binge (despite being married at the time). I'd take days off work (was self-employed) to watch them. And I'd travel miles - and I mean 100 mile round trips to buy the stuff from the car boot people. Then came net porn - I thought I'd floated to heaven. I sometimes spent days looking at porn -12 hours a day consecutively for sometimes up to a week. I can't even begin to add up all the hours I've wasted on the stuff.
Much more to say - I'd like to talk about how it affected my relationships but this post is rambling so will write that later. I'll also talk about the event that began all this a few weeks ago.
So my goal now is 90 days hard mode. Soft mode isn't working - my brain is too cunning. I'm working out every night and have signed up for Tai Chi and yoga classes. I have cold showers every night. All porn has been deleted. I'm eating well and socialising more. Must say none of these things have stopped me relapsing so far - but if I focus and post here every time I get an urge then all to the good. I've got to beat this thing.
Been great reading your posts by the way. Some very inspirational stuff here.