36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED

Hello everyone,

After years of doing research about porn addiction, PIED and lurking in the shadows reading countless of stories about other guys who have struggled with those things, I?ve finally decided to try and take a more serious approach to end my own personal struggles with those same very demons.

My struggle with porn addiction and PIED has been a 10-year long battle and has been something that I have never shared with another human being be it in real life or online.

I am a 36 years old virgin who has never had a girlfriend, dated, kissed, or touched a female in an intimate way in my entire life.

I just recently had a birthday a few days ago and decided that speaking my truth and sharing my experience with others is something I feel now is absolutely necessary for finally ending my issues.

But what mainly inspired me to stop lurking on various internet forums and share my own experience was when I accidentally ran across a post by a member here named DepressedAndOut. After reading his story and realizing the incredible amount of almost mirrored similarities of his struggles and my own, I decided I too should be brave enough to share my own experiences without feeling as though no one could ever understand me.

I grew up in a poor and mostly fanatical religious (Muslim) household where seemingly everything under the sun was considered a sin that could potentially send you to the hell. There was regular TV shows me and my siblings couldn?t watch, movies we couldn?t go to, music we couldn?t listen to, and most importantly school which we were not allowed to attend because our parents didn?t want us to be exposed to sex education or dating.

As a child, the only time I actually attended public school ever was for a very short time in Kindergarten. Other than that, I have spent almost my entire childhood and teenage years isolated and unable to socialize with others my own age. No parties, no prom, no dating, no first kiss, no nothing. As a kid, I wasn?t even allowed to go outside without being with my parents because I was made to believe that the outside world was too unsafe. The only time I was able to have a friend and hang out at their house was when I and my family lived in an apartment building where I befriended another Muslim kid who lived there too until he moved away after about a year later.

I?ve also been homeless with my family many times which led to never having a sense of stability within our family. By the time I turned 16 yrs old, we had been homeless 16 times. As I got into my teen to adult years, there was an increasing amount of arguments within our household that seemed to only get worse year by year. That was something that also caused a great deal of stress for me personally.
At about the age of 16 or 17, my mom decided to buy us our first computer and as you would probably assume, this would be the beginning of where things would take a turn for the worst. As someone who had already spent their entire life without the ability to socialize like a normal person, I begin to spend most of my time on message boards with others, desperately looking for interaction just to feel like a normal human being. Not too long after this, I began to discover and slowing but surely get into internet porn.

In the beginning, my porn habits were not too serious as I would only watch them here and there thinking that it was something that would never actually become a problem. Fast forwarding to the age of 26, this is where everything for me came to be what it is today. After even more years living the same life, feeling lonely, isolated, and still living at home with a highly dysfunctional family, everything just felt worse and this is where I began to drown my personal sorrows in porn.

During this time, I would I begin to use porn and masturbation almost every day, even multiple times a day just to make myself feel some relief from the life that I?ve hated living. I would look for it like a drug, whenever or wherever I could get it. Waiting for family members to leave the house, waiting for everyone to fall asleep at night, etc.

Then suddenly one day it happened. After one of my multiple masturbation sessions on a particular day, I noticed after I had finished there was something that felt different about my penis. Normally after masturbating, my penis wouldn?t fall completely limp or fit it did,  I would simply be hard again in another 15 - 30 minutes. But this was no longer the case. Now the only way I could achieve an erection was from manual stimulation.

But even after all that, I still didn?t stop. I would continue on with the same habits until one day, I noticed I couldn't even achieve a full erection even with manual stimulation. But as much as I became scared by this, I still continued on with my porn and masturbation habits. This would continue on for several more years to the point where even the typical material I would use, no longer excited me anymore.

This lead to feeling further depressed, scared but also confused as I began to question myself as a man. But again, as you probably guessed it, that didn?t stop me either. I continued on desperately trying to achieve the same type of satisfaction I had previously with PMO to the point that it even led me to another ?genre? that would become my new favorite and have me questioning my own sexuality at times.

During the last couple of years, I have made several attempts at stopping PMO, telling myself that ?this was the last time? but I?ve always ended up lasting no longer than 4 months.

It almost feels like no matter how hard I try to get away from this, there?s a monster pulling me back to it.

I apologize for the length of this post. Thank you all for listening.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Thanks for sharing, MG. It's a good step. May I ask, are you still a follower of Islam? Or is it that you must appear to be in order to stay connected with your family? I'm asking because I had a friend who was in that situation and he had so many problems from living a double life. I think isolation is a huge part of this problem. His situation was impossible because his family believed in arranged marriage, but they wouldn't arrange one for him, but they wouldn't allow him to date or find a girlfriend either. He was in a prison. Very sad.
 
Hi malando,

Thanks for the reply. No, I'm no longer a follower. Although, I did have to keep up that image for a while though. Right now, quite a few of my family members are no longer associated either.

The most difficulty has always been with my father who still is and will at times try to find whatever way he can to make suggestions or out right preach to me about religion even though I've told him that it's made my life miserable. It's still very stressful to deal with, but nothing like the situation you described.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.
 
Is there anyone here who can give me some advice on dating while dealing with PIED?

There's a girl I'm very interested in that goes to the same gym as me. She's been coming there for probably a little over a year now but we've never really interacted much until lately. I now feel about 90% sure that the interest is mutual and I really want to pursue her further. But at the same time I'm also very scared that if we do end up in a relationship, I won't be ready to perform when/if that time comes around.

All advice welcome. Thank you.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
Obviously I'm in the same boat as you, but if that was me, I will go ahead and ask her out.

I personally don't believe that virgins and individuals with little experience, that are in their 30's, will ever recover without a partner.

The effects of unwiring alone is not enough to recover, you need the human interaction and intimacy to induce positive hormones that would build the women/sexual pathways and also in turn those hormones would melt away the porn/negatively associated pathways - therefore rewiring is imperative.

I feel envious that someone is interested in you and that you are interested back -must feel good.

Good luck with it.


 
DepressedAndOut said:
Obviously I'm in the same boat as you, but if that was me, I will go ahead and ask her out.

I personally don't believe that virgins and individuals with little experience, that are in their 30's, will ever recover without a partner.

The effects of unwiring alone is not enough to recover, you need the human interaction and intimacy to induce positive hormones that would build the women/sexual pathways and also in turn those hormones would melt away the porn/negatively associated pathways - therefore rewiring is imperative.

I feel envious that someone is interested in you and that you are interested back -must feel good.

Good luck with it.

Thanks for the reply. I'm not 100% sure just yet, but I feel like I'm probably correct with my assumption. And yeah, I think you're completely right about the rewiring thing. It's just that I'm so scared of things going completely wrong and being abandoned. But then again, I guess that type of thinking is probably one of my problems too.

Don't feel envious though man. I really think one of the biggest problems for guys like us is that we don't socialize enough. I know I don't. A lot of that has to due with PIED but for me, it was also the fact that I suffered most of my life with extreme acne that severely hurt my confidence. I've made some good improvements with my acne in the last few years but the feelings of self doubt still lingers greatly.
 
At day 49 now and during the previous 2 days I've experienced some semi decent erections on about 3 different occasions. They've all went away fairly quickly but, it's better than nothing. Haven't had any today though.
 
Update about the girl I was talking about.

I got her number and she actually asked me for it and we've been texting each other for most of the past week. Funny thing is though, we've kind of known each other for about a year but never really talked much because we both assumed that the other wasn't interested. I blame myself for this because I let my PIED and low self-esteem of being a virgin get in the way.

But here's the issue I'm facing right now. After mentioning briefly about having a messed up childhood, she now knows that I have some issues and wants me to open up about it. I told her I would it due time. I really like her and don't wanna mess things up.

Should I just go and tell her everything? My past, Virginity, and PIED?

I really need some advice on this.

Thanks
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
MinneapolisGuy said:
Update about the girl I was talking about.

I got her number and she actually asked me for it and we've been texting each other for most of the past week. Funny thing is though, we've kind of known each other for about a year but never really talked much because we both assumed that the other wasn't interested. I blame myself for this because I let my PIED and low self-esteem of being a virgin get in the way.

But here's the issue I'm facing right now. After mentioning briefly about having a messed up childhood, she now knows that I have some issues and wants me to open up about it. I told her I would it due time. I really like her and don't wanna mess things up.

Should I just go and tell her everything? My past, Virginity, and PIED?

I really need some advice on this.

Thanks
I don't think it's a good idea to just do a total data dump on anybody - that is, telling them your entire life story in one hit. It's very easy to scare somebody off - even if your story is pretty mild. You've got to not overwhelm a prospective partner with too much at once - even if they seem to be wanting to hear it all. I think you should disclose things gradually as you need/want to. For example, now that you've opened the door on your childhood and she's asking about it, you could share some details about that. Talking about PIED can wait until a physical relationship seems imminent. Just make sure you're not relapsing at all when you broach this subject because there's a big difference between somebody who has quit porn and is recovering, and somebody who is actively still hurting themselves with porn. If you can say you've quit, and your functionality is going to return, there is light on the horizon. Virginity? Who cares. It's a much bigger deal for you than it is for any woman.
 
malando said:
MinneapolisGuy said:
Update about the girl I was talking about.

I got her number and she actually asked me for it and we've been texting each other for most of the past week. Funny thing is though, we've kind of known each other for about a year but never really talked much because we both assumed that the other wasn't interested. I blame myself for this because I let my PIED and low self-esteem of being a virgin get in the way.

But here's the issue I'm facing right now. After mentioning briefly about having a messed up childhood, she now knows that I have some issues and wants me to open up about it. I told her I would it due time. I really like her and don't wanna mess things up.

Should I just go and tell her everything? My past, Virginity, and PIED?

I really need some advice on this.

Thanks
I don't think it's a good idea to just do a total data dump on anybody - that is, telling them your entire life story in one hit. It's very easy to scare somebody off - even if your story is pretty mild. You've got to not overwhelm a prospective partner with too much at once - even if they seem to be wanting to hear it all. I think you should disclose things gradually as you need/want to. For example, now that you've opened the door on your childhood and she's asking about it, you could share some details about that. Talking about PIED can wait until a physical relationship seems imminent. Just make sure you're not relapsing at all when you broach this subject because there's a big difference between somebody who has quit porn and is recovering, and somebody who is actively still hurting themselves with porn. If you can say you've quit, and your functionality is going to return, there is light on the horizon. Virginity? Who cares. It's a much bigger deal for you than it is for any woman.

Hi malando,

Thanks for taking the time for the reply. Yeah, I see your point about the whole data dump thing. And it does make sense to not even mention PIED until when/if necessary. And no, I haven't relapsed at all so far. I'm currently a little over 60 days into my current reboot and have virtually no interest PMO at the moment. And even though I've felt like that before during some of my previous reboots, I can say for a fact that since being in this woman's presence I haven't felt this disinterested in porn since probably over a decade ago.

The one thing that's really bothering me though is that when during one of our conversations, she asked how long had I been single and out of embarrassment and fear of judgement I just said that I had been single for 5 years. I know it's not the worst lie in the world but I still just felt really bad about it.

And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
MinneapolisGuy said:
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.
 

UsualMood

Member
Good luck with the subject mate ! It brings so much courage to the rest of us seeing other people getting out of this...! Keep us updated if you can..!
 
malando said:
MinneapolisGuy said:
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.


Very interesting. I was always under the assumption that a male virgin would always be deemed in the eyes of females as a sexual turn off as compared to males who aren't.

So do you think the mindset of sexual inadequacy with being a male virgin comes from societal pressure that men put on each other? Or do you think that this way of thinking is more so directly related to years of programing from porn itself? Or could it perhaps be both?
 
UsualMood said:
Good luck with the subject mate ! It brings so much courage to the rest of us seeing other people getting out of this...! Keep us updated if you can..!

Hi UsualMood,

Thanks so much. And yes, I will try my best to keep this thread updated as much as I can.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
MinneapolisGuy said:
malando said:
MinneapolisGuy said:
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.


Very interesting. I was always under the assumption that a male virgin would always be deemed in the eyes of females as a sexual turn off as compared to males who aren't.

So do you think the mindset of sexual inadequacy with being a male virgin comes from societal pressure that men put on each other? Or do you think that this way of thinking is more so directly related to years of programing from porn itself? Or could it perhaps be both?
There probably is a bit of both, yes. But mainly it exists in the mind of the male virgin. Even though macho types will give a guy a hard time about being a virgin, they don't put a lot of thought into it. It's one of a thousand different ways that some guys express their insecurity and seek to boost their own ego. It usually declines sharply in a man's 20s. Unfortunately for the victim of such teasing, it can result in an OCD like reaction - to the extent where a male virgin can become so obsessed with being a virgin he will create incredible narratives around what it wrong with him and what sets him apart from other men and why this situation will never change. It's an obsessive belief that the subject is unable to successfully challenge and debunk. To everybody else, it really not a big deal at all. Even if they find some amusement in teasing somebody about it.
 
malando said:
MinneapolisGuy said:
malando said:
MinneapolisGuy said:
And I'm very curious as to why you believe that virginity wouldn't be a big deal for any woman?
It's been my experience with talking to women that they are not concerned with this whole notion of male virginity. Most of them don't really consider it to be a thing at all. (maybe highly religious people being the possible exception). It's not a physical change. It exists more in the mind of the inexperienced male. Women are more concerned with how they feel about the guy. If he's inexperienced and she's not, she'll soon tell him what she likes. It's really just not important to 99% of women. My first time was with a girl who was sexually experienced - she barely even mentioned it, she just took the lead when the time came, and then it was over.


Very interesting. I was always under the assumption that a male virgin would always be deemed in the eyes of females as a sexual turn off as compared to males who aren't.

So do you think the mindset of sexual inadequacy with being a male virgin comes from societal pressure that men put on each other? Or do you think that this way of thinking is more so directly related to years of programing from porn itself? Or could it perhaps be both?
There probably is a bit of both, yes. But mainly it exists in the mind of the male virgin. Even though macho types will give a guy a hard time about being a virgin, they don't put a lot of thought into it. It's one of a thousand different ways that some guys express their insecurity and seek to boost their own ego. It usually declines sharply in a man's 20s. Unfortunately for the victim of such teasing, it can result in an OCD like reaction - to the extent where a male virgin can become so obsessed with being a virgin he will create incredible narratives around what it wrong with him and what sets him apart from other men and why this situation will never change. It's an obsessive belief that the subject is unable to successfully challenge and debunk. To everybody else, it really not a big deal at all. Even if they find some amusement in teasing somebody about it.

This really changes my perspective on things. Thank you so much.
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)


 
DepressedAndOut said:
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)

Were you mocked by guys? girls? or both?

Also, have you ever personally told a female that you're a virgin? And if so, what was the response?
 

imaquitter

Active Member
Why shouldnt girls feel the same as guys about dating a virgin?
I think you have a gift that you can experience the real thing for the first time. Especially if you are porn free!
 

DepressedAndOut

Active Member
MinneapolisGuy said:
DepressedAndOut said:
It happened to me; I was laughed at and mocked at college for being a virgin, and ever since then I've become obsessed with this virginity thing. The mental strain for an older virgin is just exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder what my mind would have kept itself busy with if I wasn't a virgin for this long. (I still I'm of course)

Were you mocked by guys? girls? or both?

Also, have you ever personally told a female that you're a virgin? And if so, what was the response?

By guys.

I've never told anyone about it. (well, apart from hinting it to my GP and psychotherapist when I saw them for depression)
 
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