Boundaries?

doobedydoo

New Member
Hi ! This is my first post!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year. I've been aware of his addiction this entire time. Halfway through our relationship, he started seeing a counselor. Until today, we pretty much had a "don't ask don't tell" policy with his porn use.
I finally told my boyfriend that I need him to be completely honest about how and when and how often he uses porn with me which he took well.

However...
Things that were slightly disconcerting were:
-How do we put this boundary into place without it feeling like he has to report to me first thing every time we see each other? Is checking in once a week enough? I really don't want to feel like I'm punishing him or monitoring him.
-I want to be realistic, supportive and open-minded, but he alluded that his goal is not to never watch porn again, his goal is to be more ok with/accept his porn usage and only use it 3-4 times a week on certain days. My ideal relationship is that he attempts to never watch porn again so it doesn't get in the way of our sex life, but maybe things can evolve from here in a different way? Or am I deluding myself?

He told me the longest break he's taken is 2 weeks. Where do we go from here?

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
 

AppleJack

Active Member
If he wants to do anything other than stop I would runaway personally. I mean would you stay with a cocaine addict that wants to use 3-4 times a week? No it would be madness.
Define your boundaries of what you want in a relationship and if porn use doesn't factor into that then he either gets on board or you find someone that does meet your personal boundaries.
 
P

Psyc Ops

Guest
Gee.  How to begin?  First, this has to be his decision, 100%.  You cannot decide for him.  If he is addicted, then his decision to "cut back" as opposed to quit, is a decision to stay addicted.  Is he addicted? Does not really matter if you put that definition on him.  It only matters if he puts that definition on him, and then decides to become unaddicted.

You mentioned, so I will ask.  Is porn affecting your sex life?  If it is not, maybe he is not addicted.  Not everyone who watches porn is. 

But, if he has told you he is committed to using porn, which is an honest answer, you have to decide, do you want to plan on a future with an active porn user.  I presume the reason you are here is, in part, to decide whether you want to be with him in the future, as in build a life together, going forward.  At this point, my honest opinion is do not build a life with a guy committed to using porn if the use of porn is causing you a problem.  If it causes you a problem now, it is not going to suddenly quit cause you a problem in the future.
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
From experience, porn addiction is progressive and the damage it does to the relationship and the partner is progressive. For a porn addict, there isn?t a ?safe? viewing/using limit. 3-4 times a week is reinforcing his physiological reactions to pixels on a screen. The connections in his brain will get stronger through repetition. Eventually he won?t be able to physically function in a real life sexual relationship. Emotionally he will only care about his own sexual gratification in the relationship. As long as he?s jerking off to porn he isn?t going to be that bothered about your sexual needs and your need for emotional intimacy.

One year in isn?t that long, not in terms of a lifetime. ?Don?t ask, don?t tell? is not a respectful situation. It keeps you in the one down position, especially if you don?t want porn in your relationship. He is effectively disregarding your feelings. Is this a good beginning to a relationship? Are you happy to submerge your own feelings just so he can rub his dick in front of a screen 4 times a week? Will you be happy without a sexual relationship? Because eventually, that?s what you?ll end up with. As I said, porn addiction is progressive.

As for porn being an addiction, yes I do believe it. It creates changes in the brain. The brain needs a particular kind of stimulation. The porn addict feels driven to act out. I get that absolutely. I also know it?s possible to quit. But as the previous reply states, he has to WANT to quit. And that seems to be what you?re up against right now.

I speak from experience. I tolerated regular, long-term porn use.  I felt there was nothing I could do about it. My husband was determined to do it regardless of what I felt. I regret not acting sooner.  My husband quit when he realised it wasn?t making him happy and that it was hurting me. The emotional disconnection, the loss of trust and the destruction of my self esteem has all been difficult to repair. If I had acted sooner, the damage would have been less. So don?t throw your life away by letting this toxic poison into your most intimate relationship. Assert yourself and stand up for what you want. If you aren?t respected, walk away.
 
Top