porn is ruining my marriage

toneill78

New Member
I'm 24, have been married for almost 2 years to the most amazing woman, and porn is ruining my marriage.

When I first started dating my wife, she told me right off the bat that she viewed porn as cheating, because if I was getting my sexual pleasure from woman on the screen, and not her, I was cheating on her.
I agreed to stop viewing porn, and focus solely on her. But it didn't last. Almost immediately I went back to watching porn online and ignoring my partners sexual desires for my own.
Three years later after I had proposed to my wife,  showing my intention to marry her and make her my bride, she found the porn.
I had left it open on my cell phone,  and she found it.
She took her engagement ring off and threw it at me. I was devastating,  but knew I had no one to blame but myself.

During our relationship, I have struggled with getting turned on, keeping erections and having any desire to be intimate with my wife, and this has deeply affected her. Our sex life is nonexistent,  and it weighs heavily on our marriage. I love this woman with all my heart, and it kills me to know that my porn addiction is ruining my marriage. I can get off on porn no problem, but when I'm intimate with my wife, it's a major toss up as to whether I'm going to keep it up or not.

I have lied about porn throughout my entire relationship, and the lying is what is costing me my marriage. I always fear though that by telling the truth, my wife would see just how much I've lied and not want to be with me anymore. I don't want to lose my wife or marriage over porn and not being able to perform in bed.

I watched a news story bout a 23 year old male who almost had the same things as me. Watched porn and could get off no problem, but couldn't be intimate with an actual person. Couldn't get it up.
This was my eureka moment, but also a sad one. I now knew what my issue was, I knew that porn had cause a form of ED for me, and that was why I couldn't perform and be intimate with my wife, but I also knew it would be a major major issue to tell my wife that the cause of my ED was porn addiction. The thing she despised the most.

I had cheated on her with multiple woman over 4 years via online porn. I ruined all the trust she had in me, all the love she gave me was wasted, all the time I spent telling her I didn't know why I was so boring in bed, I lied to her. I abused her trust and caring, destroyed my credibility with her and quite possibly the entirety of my relationship. I don't know how it can be saved from here.

But I'm not giving up. This woman is to good to give up, though I truly don't deserve her. I have abused her psyche with lying and cheating, but I can't let her go. She means the world to me, but still I have hurt her. Looking at my wedding pictures brings streams of tears to my eyes because I see how happy we were, and what I've done to destroy that happiness. I am a filthy liar, and that view she has of me I can not change easily.

I am seeking help. I am seeking treatment. I am seeking counseling and advice from professionals so that I can change, and be the better man I'm supposed to be for my wife. The provider and care giver that a man should be in a relationship, not the lying, cheating porn addict that I am.

I thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement,  it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there. 
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
I'm 24, have been married for almost 2 years to the most amazing woman, and porn is ruining my marriage.
I'm not a fan of marrying so young but there is no denying your love for your wife so I'm happy for you. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step and seeking help is the second. You're among peers.

When I first started dating my wife, she told me right off the bat that she viewed porn as cheating, because if I was getting my sexual pleasure from woman on the screen, and not her, I was cheating on her.
I'm not gonna argue the variations of cheating because it is what you and your mate determine it to be. I too was in a relationship where the woman in my life at the time forbid me to not only abstain from porn, but never to beat my meat. According to her, creating lustful fantasy by watching other women perform sexual acts means that there is a disconnect in the relationship. Since she should be the only one I desire. That was her opinion by the way so I can relate.

During our relationship, I have struggled with getting turned on, keeping erections and having any desire to be intimate with my wife, and this has deeply affected her. Our sex life is nonexistent,  and it weighs heavily on our marriage. I love this woman with all my heart, and it kills me to know that my porn addiction is ruining my marriage. I can get off on porn no problem, but when I'm intimate with my wife, it's a major toss up as to whether I'm going to keep it up or not.
Yeah, a lot of us are going through the same thing with our mate. But I have really good news for you...
This can be reversed. I can't tell you how long it will take but it's going to take an earnest commitment on your part. I'm almost two months in with my reboot and fortunately for me, I haven't lapse. But that doesn't mean I don't have my bad days. But coming here and sharing my experiences and such is a huge plus because no one wants to feel like it's only happening to them.

I don't want to lose my wife or marriage over porn and not being able to perform in bed.
You're not going to lose anyone. But you have to re-enforce the commitment you have to resolve this issue with your wife. Because you're a young man and like me and others, you probably didn't think it can happen to you. So we keep doing what we do not expecting the worst. Let me ask you this, if you thought that you would suffer E.D. at this stage in your life from porn abuse, would you have stopped a long time ago?
It's kinda like being an alcoholic. No one who boozes on the regular ever wish harm to an innocent person due to their
drinking and they never think that they would hurt someone from drunk driving. So they keep doing it. That addiction
is not that much different than this one.

I now knew what my issue was, I knew that porn had cause a form of ED for me, and that was why I couldn't perform and be intimate with my wife, but I also knew it would be a major major issue to tell my wife that the cause of my ED was porn addiction. The thing she despised the most.
There are some married members here both male and female who have similar issues with not only porn, but with trust. Seems to me that your wife is more disappointed with the deception. This is just my opinion...I would come clean about why you're experiencing E.D.
You'll probably catch a lot of $hit for it but perhaps if she learned more about this issue by coming to sites
like this, it will help cope. Keep in mind, porn induced erectile dysfunction is not common knowledge.
Just a mere fraction of doctors/therapist accepts PIED as a reality.
But I'm not giving up. This woman is to good to give up, though I truly don't deserve her. I have abused her psyche with lying and cheating, but I can't let her go. She means the world to me, but still I have hurt her. Looking at my wedding pictures brings streams of tears to my eyes because I see how happy we were, and what I've done to destroy that happiness. I am a filthy liar, and that view she has of me I can not change easily.
Ok, I don't want you to think I'm beating you up with my comments. At least I hope it doesn't come across that way. I want to give you and others some real straight talk. Allow this love you feel for your wife to motivate you to be a better man. Reach out to some of the married members on this board that can offer the support you seek. Just by coming forward here lets me know that you're trying. That's huge!

I am seeking help. I am seeking treatment. I am seeking counseling and advice from professionals so that I can change, and be the better man I'm supposed to be for my wife. The provider and care giver that a man should be in a relationship, not the lying, cheating porn addict that I am.
I'm interested in hearing about the feedback you get from the professional help.

I thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement,  it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there. 
You're not and like I said, there are women on here who are going through what your wife is going through now so keep reading the journals and be inspired. Lets all help each other out
 

SeanKirk91

Member
I'm experiencing a very similar situation with the woman that I'm currently with. Although we aren't married, I do want to marry her some day and I already know when I want to propose and everything. However the only thing really causing a problem with our relationship is my current masturbating to porn and the lack of intimacy and libido thereof. I spoke to her about it today and she was far from thrilled to talk about it. DON'T WORRY THOUGH! We are going to beat this. Not only for ourselves, but for the women we love! Just stay encouraged and keep pressing towards the goal. We have two choices man, drop porn and be happy, or continue to use it and be miserable until we pretty much just fall off the face of the earth. We're going to choose to be happy, and we're going to make a difference in our lives and the lives of our loved ones!
 

fugu

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Telling your significant other everything you are feeling and have done is hands down the best approach. I told my girlfriend and it changed my life forever. We have had our share if issues with the problem, but she has been sweet, understanding and overwhelmingly supportive of my problem. I really do recommend it.

- Charlie
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
I totally agree fugu. Because something has got to give and you don't
want her to draw her own conclusions. I've been lucky with my S.O. but some aren't as fortunate.
I have dated women that had I had this with them, they would've dropped me off like a late car payment
 
M

Mart71

Guest
I think deep down most men with partners know, that secretly abusing porn like most of us here did or maybe still do, is "wrong". Confessing this to our partners may be a hard thing to do and we even risk losing them, depending on how they are able to deal with it. They often get very hurt and it feels like cheating to them, trust gets damaged. This is no easy path to walk, but our actions not only hurt ourselves, but often the people around us as well.

But it gives us the chance to get a partner to fight this together, to improve and even strengthen our relationship and at the end come out of it renewed. And we can make amends for our mistakes, which is imo also important for true recovery.
 

Bibbity

Active Member
I am the wife of a PMO addict and I can tell you that you cannot have a relationship built on lies.  When I found out everything about my husband I was completely broken.  We had a very rough year but we stayed together as we have children and really do love each other.  We have turned our whole relationship around in the past year.  It is better than ever and it was my husbands commitment to honesty that saved us.  Dishonesty is like a cancer that kills a relationship and I know you already know this.  I will be a bit blunt but know it comes from a place of hope for your healing.  You are refusing to tell her because you are afraid of the pain it will cause you.  It's time to face that pain head on and risk everything.  The relationship you've built with her has been a false one and she deserves to know the truth.

Have you ever seen the Youtube videos for Sacred Spirituality Project?  There is a video that he does with his fianc?e about porn addiction which is great. There is also a great book she might want to read called "Every Heart Restored" which I really liked.  It's a Christian book and although I am not a Religious person the messages are great for everyone.  It really delves into the why's and how's of addiction and is filled with personal accounts of couples.  You are not alone in this and neither is she.
 

CyrusG

Member
Hello,

I also new to this site and have  also posted a lengthy intro to my story. I fully understand what you are going through. I've been down that road and am even experiencing the repercussions today as a result. Just like you, I loved my wife but my desire a different kind of pleasure was always there. Eventually it will catch up to anyone. Like I stated in my post, we are not the only ones effected by this. Our partners will start feeling that it is there fault and they will start questioning there own confidence. Will will tell them it's not at all there fault but will will not admit that it is really us and why. Obviously I do not know your wife, but if she is a supportive wife who is willing to go through the fire with you, then you owe it to her and yourself to come clean and be honest with this. If it means this much to you then you have to reassure her that you will do everything willing to put this part of your life behind you. Wish the best for you and looks like this is a good place to start.
 

Rainiegirl

Member
You have to tell her. Hearing it come from you is so much better than her finding out some other way. Tell her that you will be completely honest with her from now on and commit to it. Help her learn about pornography addiction by showing her sites like yourbrainonporn. She will be hurt and angry but if she loves you she will work with you. She might even have already known or suspected something. Understand that she will have a lot of recovery to do. Handling pornographic infedelity is harder than having to handle a physical affair. It's a lot like PTSD. She might feel better the more you involve her in your recovery. Do not lie or try to cover anything up. It won't help either of you. Honesty and dedication on both parts will be what saves your relationship.
 
M

Mart71

Guest
Rainiegirl said:
[...] Understand that she will have a lot of recovery to do. Handling pornographic infedelity is harder than having to handle a physical affair. It's a lot like PTSD. [...]

May I ask why you feel it is harder to handle than an actual physical affair with a real person? I am a man - if my girl told me she had an affair, it would hurt me 1.000x more than if she told me she uses porn every day.
 

Rainiegirl

Member
I myself view porn as cheating. For me it's like my partner has shared himself repeatedly with thousands of women. That's thousands of perfect women now stored and remembered in his brain. Thousands of women he could be thinking of when we make love. Thousands that I now am measured up to. Thousands that I can not possibly compeat with. If a man has a physical affair it's normaly only with 1 woman. One woman is easier to combat than thousands.
 
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