Hi everyone. I have joined this forum after being many years of NoFap. I joined that site on 27th June 2012 and had various accounts there, since with every new one it felt like a fresh start with a new streak.
I apologise beforehand, this is going to be a long post, but I feel it is necessary
Brief personal background: I am 24 year old male at the time of writing. I'm still a student but my motivation to finish school is a whole another thing which I may get into later. One could say I run a business of repairing and upgrading Apple computers and all around that, so I spend a lot of time behind them, alone and oftentimes unnecessarily wasting time. I live in Prague, Czech Republic.
My history and relation with porn:
I discovered the first porn magazine when I was 5. I was immediately fascinated by it. It was at our cottage and my 3 year old sister was there with me as well and saw it all. My uncle noticed me looking at it and didn't really find it troubling. Then our father came and took it from us.
Between ages 8 and 12, I was interested in sex more than I should have been. I must have acquired at least 3 different porn magazines during that period. I still didn't know how to masturbate. I was aroused visually and just in my mind and that was enough for me. During that period, I would also write some sex stories.
But hey, I don't want to make the situation seem all bleak. I was quite a normal kid, still, although in a divorced family. I loved to draw and would spend hours doing it. I also got into Swimming and my mother signed me up for extra english classes. Things around sex were still only 0.5% of my time and attention at most. I would start playing video games at this time but I guess that's a whole other topic.
Things started to go more towards porn at the age of 12-14. We didn't have a computer at home xet, and I didn't have any device apart from my Playstation 2 and my Nokia 3510i phone. Looking for sex on that phone was terrible and didn't really work.
So this is where internet porn enters the scene
I started going to my father's office, where I would usually go after school. He had a lot of computers connected to internet in another room and he would just leave me there while he did his work. He caught me a couple of times, but I managed to hide it all, but I know for certain he had an idea what I was doing, and he didn't really try to prevent me from doing that. Instead he said something like "You can do whatever you want when you are 18. This stuff is not for you yet". He had no idea about the possible severity of the problem, but I don't blame him. As we all know, people in this world are still not aware, or are ignorant of porn addiction.
I did this for about 2 years. When I was about 14, we finally got a computer at home and I would start watching porn on it, even while everyone was at home! However, I didn't have access to the computer at all times so I would print porn. However, I figured I needed another solution because my mother and step-father were mad about all the used up ink the printer and had no idea where it all went. I ended up saving some money and I bought myself a PSP (playstation portable). Watching porn on that thing was hell of a process but I had no other way when it was 9 in the evening.
When I was 15-16, I got my first computer. It was an old Power Macintosh G3 Tower and it was the slowest thing on the planet. I remember setting up the alarm clock at 2 AM in the morning and stealing the router from my mother's room while she was asleep. I got caught several times, ruining my whole plan. But If I succeeded, I would watch porn until 6AM in the morning. I would then go to school, completely tired of course.
Not too long after this period, maybe 4 or 5 months, I would get my first laptop. It was the first Core 2 Duo Macbook from 2006. We didn't have a WiFi at home, so I convinced our neighbour to share his WiFi password with me. Things started to go really downhill with me.
So, I was still 15 or 16. I watched porn every day and masturbate to it if I had a chance. I also played World of Warcraft a lot. My grades in school were appalling and I was on the verge of being kicked out. I was a mess. I also remember being quite aggressive towards most people, especially my mother. I also remember I started smoking more at that time. I smoked since I was 14 but not too often.
A year later, when I was 17, but almost 18, my father bought me a unibody 17" Macbook Pro. Why am I saying that? My gaming got a whole new level and I could watch porn in full HD. However, some good things happened. I decided to stop smoking on April 9 2009 and I do not smoke anymore to this day. Also, I got into working out and eating more. At first, I would only gain weight, going from skinny to large, a difference of 18 kilograms in under 3 months. It was a big change and it brought some confidence.
However, that didn't help with my grades at school. I failed 5 or 6 subjects that year, but I got a chance to repeat the year.
In the year 2010 a breaking point came. I think it was April 18 when I made a journal entry where I began to question the usage of porn. I thought I would try and stop, but I didn't take it seriously and gave up pretty soon.
At this point, feelings of shame and guilt became a regular thing after every porn session.
in the year 2011, I got myself a first girlfriend. While not so important in itself, I have to say in retrospect my visions and ideals were skewed by all these years of Pornography. I already knew at that time porn was harmful to me. I even told my girlfriend. I tried to stop but I failed miserably. She broke up with me after 6 months. Then, I decided it was time to quit porn, but I have only lasted 15 days.
Fast forward a year later, I am back with the same girl and I promise her to put an end to my addiction. I join NoFap, as I said previously on June 27 2012. I make it to 23 days, but the rest of the summer was a struggle. After the summer holiday, we break up (we both knew it would happen). She moves to Glasgow in UK and I move to Stockholm in Sweden. I struggle with my porn addiction. I spend a lot of time on NoFap figuring out how to stop watching porn. my streaks get more consistent. I can easily make it to 7-12 days and consequently, but I still wasn't satisfied.
The Year 2013! In February, I enter a period of my life that is all about self-development. I make it to 51 days without PMO, but still peeked at P now and then. I make a habit out of reading books, learning a language, going to a gym, waking up reasonably early, eating more healthy, not biting my nails and whole bunch of other positive stuff. I use chains.cc to track my progress and I'm happier with myself than ever. However, my grandfather dies, I relapse short after that and it's quite a struggle to get back on the track. I get back to Czech Republic in June. I meet my ex-girlfriend and she tells me my porn addiction had hurt her a lot. I decide that enough is enough and I commence a streak that lasted 30 days. Absolutely no porn during this period, not even peeking one bit.
However, I relapse on July 21 2013 and let's just say it has been a struggle since then because this post is getting too long. Since then, I didn't get a streak longer than 15 days so that's why my counter says I want to reach that day. In short, I got another girlfriend, 3 years older than me who I manage to hurt with my porn addiction. She broke up with me 3 months ago in August 2015. Porn definitely played a big role in that, and I hope to expand on it later. Apart from that, life got more real and I really worry about where it is all going with me.
Current state of affairs:
Right now, I feel depressed. I want to turn my life around. I need to, in order to save it. Otherwise I am doomed. I wish I could take some time off to really focus on this, but I feel I have too many responsibilities and taking it easier, even temporarily would cost me my customers and what not. I need to handle this somehow. I guess I took a step in the right direction when I scheduled my first consulting with a sexologist / therapist, but the date is January 27 2016.
I hope to update my journal in more detail. Sorry if it got a little bit disorganised by the end. This thing took me more than an hour to write, but I'm glad I did it since that alone already feels good. It made me realise a lot of things and I still think I should delve deeper in order to really grasp the source of the problem.
stay strong everyone
Charles
I apologise beforehand, this is going to be a long post, but I feel it is necessary
Brief personal background: I am 24 year old male at the time of writing. I'm still a student but my motivation to finish school is a whole another thing which I may get into later. One could say I run a business of repairing and upgrading Apple computers and all around that, so I spend a lot of time behind them, alone and oftentimes unnecessarily wasting time. I live in Prague, Czech Republic.
My history and relation with porn:
I discovered the first porn magazine when I was 5. I was immediately fascinated by it. It was at our cottage and my 3 year old sister was there with me as well and saw it all. My uncle noticed me looking at it and didn't really find it troubling. Then our father came and took it from us.
Between ages 8 and 12, I was interested in sex more than I should have been. I must have acquired at least 3 different porn magazines during that period. I still didn't know how to masturbate. I was aroused visually and just in my mind and that was enough for me. During that period, I would also write some sex stories.
But hey, I don't want to make the situation seem all bleak. I was quite a normal kid, still, although in a divorced family. I loved to draw and would spend hours doing it. I also got into Swimming and my mother signed me up for extra english classes. Things around sex were still only 0.5% of my time and attention at most. I would start playing video games at this time but I guess that's a whole other topic.
Things started to go more towards porn at the age of 12-14. We didn't have a computer at home xet, and I didn't have any device apart from my Playstation 2 and my Nokia 3510i phone. Looking for sex on that phone was terrible and didn't really work.
So this is where internet porn enters the scene
I started going to my father's office, where I would usually go after school. He had a lot of computers connected to internet in another room and he would just leave me there while he did his work. He caught me a couple of times, but I managed to hide it all, but I know for certain he had an idea what I was doing, and he didn't really try to prevent me from doing that. Instead he said something like "You can do whatever you want when you are 18. This stuff is not for you yet". He had no idea about the possible severity of the problem, but I don't blame him. As we all know, people in this world are still not aware, or are ignorant of porn addiction.
I did this for about 2 years. When I was about 14, we finally got a computer at home and I would start watching porn on it, even while everyone was at home! However, I didn't have access to the computer at all times so I would print porn. However, I figured I needed another solution because my mother and step-father were mad about all the used up ink the printer and had no idea where it all went. I ended up saving some money and I bought myself a PSP (playstation portable). Watching porn on that thing was hell of a process but I had no other way when it was 9 in the evening.
When I was 15-16, I got my first computer. It was an old Power Macintosh G3 Tower and it was the slowest thing on the planet. I remember setting up the alarm clock at 2 AM in the morning and stealing the router from my mother's room while she was asleep. I got caught several times, ruining my whole plan. But If I succeeded, I would watch porn until 6AM in the morning. I would then go to school, completely tired of course.
Not too long after this period, maybe 4 or 5 months, I would get my first laptop. It was the first Core 2 Duo Macbook from 2006. We didn't have a WiFi at home, so I convinced our neighbour to share his WiFi password with me. Things started to go really downhill with me.
So, I was still 15 or 16. I watched porn every day and masturbate to it if I had a chance. I also played World of Warcraft a lot. My grades in school were appalling and I was on the verge of being kicked out. I was a mess. I also remember being quite aggressive towards most people, especially my mother. I also remember I started smoking more at that time. I smoked since I was 14 but not too often.
A year later, when I was 17, but almost 18, my father bought me a unibody 17" Macbook Pro. Why am I saying that? My gaming got a whole new level and I could watch porn in full HD. However, some good things happened. I decided to stop smoking on April 9 2009 and I do not smoke anymore to this day. Also, I got into working out and eating more. At first, I would only gain weight, going from skinny to large, a difference of 18 kilograms in under 3 months. It was a big change and it brought some confidence.
However, that didn't help with my grades at school. I failed 5 or 6 subjects that year, but I got a chance to repeat the year.
In the year 2010 a breaking point came. I think it was April 18 when I made a journal entry where I began to question the usage of porn. I thought I would try and stop, but I didn't take it seriously and gave up pretty soon.
At this point, feelings of shame and guilt became a regular thing after every porn session.
in the year 2011, I got myself a first girlfriend. While not so important in itself, I have to say in retrospect my visions and ideals were skewed by all these years of Pornography. I already knew at that time porn was harmful to me. I even told my girlfriend. I tried to stop but I failed miserably. She broke up with me after 6 months. Then, I decided it was time to quit porn, but I have only lasted 15 days.
Fast forward a year later, I am back with the same girl and I promise her to put an end to my addiction. I join NoFap, as I said previously on June 27 2012. I make it to 23 days, but the rest of the summer was a struggle. After the summer holiday, we break up (we both knew it would happen). She moves to Glasgow in UK and I move to Stockholm in Sweden. I struggle with my porn addiction. I spend a lot of time on NoFap figuring out how to stop watching porn. my streaks get more consistent. I can easily make it to 7-12 days and consequently, but I still wasn't satisfied.
The Year 2013! In February, I enter a period of my life that is all about self-development. I make it to 51 days without PMO, but still peeked at P now and then. I make a habit out of reading books, learning a language, going to a gym, waking up reasonably early, eating more healthy, not biting my nails and whole bunch of other positive stuff. I use chains.cc to track my progress and I'm happier with myself than ever. However, my grandfather dies, I relapse short after that and it's quite a struggle to get back on the track. I get back to Czech Republic in June. I meet my ex-girlfriend and she tells me my porn addiction had hurt her a lot. I decide that enough is enough and I commence a streak that lasted 30 days. Absolutely no porn during this period, not even peeking one bit.
However, I relapse on July 21 2013 and let's just say it has been a struggle since then because this post is getting too long. Since then, I didn't get a streak longer than 15 days so that's why my counter says I want to reach that day. In short, I got another girlfriend, 3 years older than me who I manage to hurt with my porn addiction. She broke up with me 3 months ago in August 2015. Porn definitely played a big role in that, and I hope to expand on it later. Apart from that, life got more real and I really worry about where it is all going with me.
Current state of affairs:
Right now, I feel depressed. I want to turn my life around. I need to, in order to save it. Otherwise I am doomed. I wish I could take some time off to really focus on this, but I feel I have too many responsibilities and taking it easier, even temporarily would cost me my customers and what not. I need to handle this somehow. I guess I took a step in the right direction when I scheduled my first consulting with a sexologist / therapist, but the date is January 27 2016.
I hope to update my journal in more detail. Sorry if it got a little bit disorganised by the end. This thing took me more than an hour to write, but I'm glad I did it since that alone already feels good. It made me realise a lot of things and I still think I should delve deeper in order to really grasp the source of the problem.
stay strong everyone
Charles
. Nevertheless I recommend you to start with book named Konec prokratistinace (still don't know if it's translated to English, so other option is The Slight Edge). It's a small book and quite readable. You can start by reading 10 pages and than another 10 next day. There are also many practical tips, which I used on my own and I'm sure it also helped me a lot.