A New Beginning

I am a 20 year old pursuing Bachelors Degree, currently in final year.I have divided my story into three phases where each phase represents a important behavioral/lifestyle change in me.

#Phase 1
I have been watching porn and masturbating since age 14. It started out as a exploring thing which later became and addiction. I started fapping twice a day with atleast an hour of porn. It was not much of a problem then because I had lots of time to shed out and courses were simpler. But later as courses became tougher I managed to quit porn and fapping for straight one month without much effort. This gave me a lot of confidence and , after that one month it was vacation and it persuaded me into starting my old routine again. But this time my addiction hit back hard. Every time I decided to reduce my addiction , I never got past a week.

#Phase 2
I once forced myself into do it straight for 3 weeks and it was disastrous. After the 1st week my brain started losing concentration on work and shifted to looking at women around me. It was then, I realized I have a problem.The third week was so bad I started being irritated with my friends ,started losing complete focus. I needed focus and for that the only possible way was to break the 'no-fap', 'no-porn' thing and come out of it. I got my focus back (atleast that was what I thought) . I decided to stop thinking about this 'no-fap,no-porn' thing and continue my life in submission to my addiction.

Phase #3
But then after an year I lost focus even after submitted to my addiction, this time because I was always thinking about porn, or stuff like that. My grades started falling, I never understood what I was doing wrong with my studies. I felt like I was becoming dumber everyday and my friends were becoming smarter . Till then I atleast had a satisfaction that my addiction isn't effecting my career, but now this was not the case. I stopped being with my friends and spending more time watching more porn to console myself ,to relieve me from my stress,and this was giving me short term strength to keep me moving on.

After this came the breaking point, the porn I was watching didn't satisfy me. I started watching gay/ts porn and after starting these,I couldn't come back to my normal life even physically. This was because I had man boobs (I used to be overweight in my teenage, now I am at the needed BMI but my man boobs never left). I was getting dirty thoughts through out the day about my sexual orientation but I never had any feelings towards same sex people nor an attraction to them.It was just my sexual imaginations satisfying me with dopamine. I started going for cam sex sites and spending hours looking at them stripping. I started going to ts dating sites and looking for people to chat with. I lost track of my true life goals, my studies and my social life. I don't understand how to come out of this misery now.Today I decided to delete porn on my PC and to my shock I had accumulated around hundreds of GB of porn over the years. I want to give one last try before I seek professional help. Any suggestions are welcome. :'( :'( :'(

Triggers:
I haven't had a proper conversation with a girl since 3 years.Reason:Lack of confidence to approach them and speak.
I follow a lot of youtubers who sometimes have sexually arousing stuff (it is kind of a trigger when I am desperate).

I have around 3 months more to get my focus and concentration back,before I started going for internships and stuff very important for my career.

Hey,
Sorry to here about what you are going through. It is great that your seeking support.
Look, I can really relate to some of what you are saying. Using porn to deal with stress and isolation via porn is something I have experienced. University especially can be a stressful time, a lot of deadlines and what not.
All I can say is stay away from cam sites. The effects can be devastating if you are spending, and ask yourself what is after cam sex?
And seeing your uni counsellor or the uni GP could be a wise idea. I saw my GP the other day and it was 100% fine, she says it is really a common issue and was very supportive, they can set you up with a professional to support you.
There are two sites that I can suggest:
1.https://www.7cups.com/member/ (basically free online counselling)
2.http://www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk/ (from Paula Hall website- great self help resource)

Believe in yourself, you have strength in you. And commit to your journey.
Best of luck with uni and everything else

Thanks a lot mate. It was good to read those helping words. I have given 7 cups a try before and was helpful. I will try my best to get myself out of this.

Day 1

I finally made up my mind to do a 30 day no PMO and decided to make the necessary changes for these. I decided to go shopping with my friends and had a great time keeping me away from my habits. Their were thoughts coming back here and there if this was all actually needed, but I realized I had come to a consensus that I was ruining my life with this addiction and I am Addicted. This was the most important part for me,realizing I am 'ADDICTED'. Don't be in denial .

I had a rough night though. This was because I am used to fapping before sleep and this was to be avoided at any cost. I couldn't sleep for hours thinking about giving up , my mind filled with dirty thoughts and constantly fighting against my will power. I could sleep only for a few hours but hopefully this would not be the case today.

Time to Wake Up!!
Merry Christmas!!

Day #2

It was great to find help from people in the community encouraging me and reiterating that I have taken a good decision. But sometimes I just feel if the technology we have been using is somehow partially responsible for the relapses we may suffer. It is good to know it also offers counter measures to the harm it has caused through these communities. My mind was not giving me any urges but was surely giving me doubts on if this process of misery I am going through will achieve what my initial aim was - "To lose the brain Fog. have a clear mind to think at all times". I went through many other journals to see if people mentioned about this stuff. To my surprise all most all of the journals mention about stuff related to clearing up their minds. It was just that each of them had their own time periods.

It is important to realize you are "addicted" and you have chosen the right path. Tell your brain, that it is time for it to listen and not control. You are the Master of your feelings and you are not to be controlled by your feeling.

New
Day #3

Yesterday was another great day in my journey. Many more people from the community have come to my help and boosted my confidence. Yesterday was kind of easy going with very little urges, most of which were physically induced. I am still far from my goal but I can feel my mind clearing up a little bit. It has started to think about things other than the stuff. Also my mood swings have reduced and I am kind of more happy than before. My anxiety levels are reaching stability faster than before.

Seeing change in such a less time maybe tells how far I had gone with my habits. Maybe this was all a way of saying I am going the right way by my body. Another day reiterating that my conscience is right!!

Time to Rise up!!

Nice man good to hear you are going well! Keep up the positivity!

Sure Bro will keep up the confidence and move forward.

Day #4

As days pass by urges are becoming more real and physical , but still not interfering with my regular thought processes. Yesterday while I was exploring through the internet in search of activities which release dopamine by the brain, one of the interesting facts I learnt was laughter releases dopamine. This lead into thinking if we could control our urges to a certain extent by replacing our hard times countering urges with some fun time laughing. Thinking of this stuff to work is a long and vague shot but it is worth trying out.

Anything which puts us in a better place then where we are now is worth trying.

Also thanks for all the support coming from the community,did not expect this response. Will keep posting regularly !!

Nice to have a fellow is a final year student as well in this forum. I can really understand you as I'm in that third phase as well and it really hits me when I were thinking about the future .
I just started yesterday so we kind of had a the same start on this. I'll check out your journal everytime I post mine. Let's work hard together to achieved our goal.

Sure bro. Its important that you have realized you need help and you are addicted. Once you accept this, you can always win against your brain. I haven't mentioned it but once you go past the third phase you have chances of homosexual P obsession and many more which are really deep and dangerous to your mental health. It is important you regain your self control and come back to reality. I will keep posting my journal here regularly.

Lets Do This

Day #5

Yesterday was a big move from my side. I finally interacted with a girl for a few hours after quite a few years. We had similar thoughts and issues with the society, similar opinions and tastes. It was excellent to have had such an experience, during my recovery phase. I had a good laugh straight from my heart after a long time. All this did make me feel anxious but that feeling soon turned to a soothing relief and a boost in my confidence.

The issues with my sleep are yet to go but they have been improving. I learnt the "happiness" we get through looking at virtual stuff is just minuscule when compared to the feelings which we experience in reality. It was just that my brain never got the taste of it and so persuaded me to go for the short term "happiness".

Long way to Go!!

Day #6

Another day goes by peacefully. Not many urges and Insomnia seems to be fading out slowly. I am getting deeper sleeps and feeling more energized. Yesterday I had a "blast from the past" when I accidentally met with a school friend after 6 years. We had a great time together remembering all those sweet memories. This meeting revoked many past memories making me remember one very important incident in my life.

When I was 16 years old , I once unintentionally did a 60 day streak . I had done this because we relocated to a new place and I made new friend who always hanged out with me at my home. These were times when I never considered PMO a problem or Addiction ,though I actually was addicted to it. My PC had a problem during relocation and I ended up with no access to the internet for a few days after relocation. I got busy with some exams after I got the PC and was away from PMO till everything settled down. After almost two months and everything going pretty good, I was suddenly getting thoughts of PMO (not urges just felt like I had lot of free time, so why not have fun) and so decided to come back to PMO since I had no reason to stop it back then, and I relapsed...

This memory gave me a confidence boost since I remember not having any physical urges once I got past two weeks. I never looked for porn even when I was stressed after that. This means that my fight is to resist as strongly during the first few weeks and the body will probably start helping me after that..

Day #7

A small milestone achieved, a week gone by without PMO. This literally has been the happiest Christmas vacation ever. It is important to realize what I was losing all this while just for some virtual PMO. I have made more memories in my brain since the past week than I have made in my whole vacation. I remember people more than some irrelevant stuff, think more about my career, got back my sense of humor, became more sarcastic and many more. I got back "myself" in summation. This has been a good going week and hope to keep this going.

For many more beautiful weeks to come!!

Day #8

A new year comes on and it's time to take some resolutions. But it seems like I have already taken up a few earlier and hope to follow these. Last night was a lot of fun but still there was one weird incident which happened. I had a discharge in my sleep , and I didn't even know this during my sleep. This was kind of weird but I found out it does happen it does happen sometimes. I guess our body was designed to supposedly discharge excess stuff in this way, but we kind of screwed up this mechanism. I am actually really relaxed today with no urges and lots of positive feeling towards the coming new year. It is important to keep it going and realize "I am addicted". Because this the only way to tell your brain it messed up big time.

For the Beautiful year to come !!

Day #9

Another great day passed by. It has been a wonderful journey till now and here is when it starts getting "Real". The urges are starting to increase mildly . I have been resisting these urges quite well till now but I know its going to get harder for the next few days. It is important that I achieve self control and achieve my goal of getting back on track , more than just going on with the PMO challenge. It is important to make necessary lifestyle changes to compensate for the times I have gained and utilize this more efficiently. I have going through success stories in the forum and have been really inspired by these. I hope to see myself writing a success story after I have recovered.

Too much of hope - Time to wake up!!

Day #10

Entering day 10 feels optimistic and motivating. I have witnessed a kind of flat-line for most of the day . But my urges went up after I went to sleep. I literally had a dream about me opening P in my browser typing in the address and had a snapshot of the Home page, that was when I got my senses back and came out of sleep. This literally made me realize how much my brain is craving for P. I now know how far it would go for P. In all the possible instances of wet dreams it was a dream of watching P. This is may be my brain telling me how far I have gone.

I still keep fearing of what next would have happened if didn't resist the PMO routine I had and went forward with it.

Good that I woke Up!!!

Also Thanks to all the community members who have been supporting me in my journey.

Day #11

Yesterday was a mix of emotions. I was in flatline and I wasn't much bothered by urges. I got my grades and they were kind of good but, the damage had already been done. I was trying to think optimistically but my stress levels started shooting up. The interesting part was my brain desiring P to reduce my distress. It wasn't M which is at least kind of physically reasonable. This just meant my reward system is messed up and it needs to change. I decided to take on the distress and let the sadness sink in. I feel a lot better now that I didn't fall into the trap. I feel my brain is taking on decisions better now. If this situation happened before my PMO challenge I would have watched P for a few hours to reduce the stress and after that forget about the pain.

NO PAIN NO GAIN

Day #12

I am back at my university with a totally positive mood. I hope things go well this time. I did experience something weird after returning this time. Every time I was back I used to do a binge watch of P for hours and satisfy myself,so essentially coming back was always a "happy" thing. But this time I kind of feel depressed with all the memories I made with my family. I feel like I never spent enough time with my parents because of P,and then there were these mood swings which always made me feel irritated.Now , I feel sorry for show such behavior to my parents and not realizing how much I messed up our relations.I think this time I am sad for the right reason. I feel I need to be sad about it and not mask that emotion with anything. These are things to be felt and experienced and not to be run past by/to hide from.

For the Fight in front!!

Day #13

Its been another long day. I have been meeting my friends at university again after a few weeks and a few of them after a few months. We started of with a lot of chat and out door games. All this was certainly new to me , I felt like I was a different being with a different life . I was less irritated, more polite and lastly happy. I started feeling better about all the decisions I have taken to quit PMO and enter into a peaceful zone where there is more of reality than anything else. I am still in flatline. I have been doing good in controlling the urges, but my wet dreams still continue. I have resisted myself from looking at P quite well till now. But I feel this is going get tougher since I stay alone at night now. I have to beat this though, for the change I hope to see in myself.