Proactively Changing My Life - 102 days no PMO; PIED; 2 Wet Dreams

Hey everyone,

I am a 24 year old (25 now) male in New York who has kept an eye on this site and YBOP for a few months now, but never decided to really get involved through the forums until now.

History:

High School - Dated a few girls, but never really had the urge to have sex or get intimate. Porn use was probably once a week or whenever I could get it.

College - I got my iPhone and laptop and was away from the family. I masturbated 2-3 times a day (or so it seemed) in college. I still did okay in school and kept up with organizations and volunteering, but never lived up to my potential. That is for sure. I tried having sex a few times in college and dated around 10 women in college, but it either ended eventually or I just never cared to push it forward. I kept having these issues, and, worse, I let it get into my head and made me doubt my sexuality for a long while. When I needed to fantasize about gay sex to get hard, I went into panic mode. Towards my senior year, I got offers to have sex from random women I didn't date multiple times and didn't even go for it.

Year or two after college - I naturally cut down on porn because of work, but because I work partly from home, there are still days I relapse multiple times. I'm considering switching jobs even though I like the job a lot and it pays well. At this point though, is it worth keeping myself in front of the computer and perpetuating this compulsion/addiction. Is my career more important than my sexual and mental health? I still go out and have an active social life, but my sexual life is atrocious. I push girls away all the time and the 5 times I have tried having sex in the last 6 to 12 months, I failed. I had 100 % ED and don't feel the need to be intimate.

For all those people counting, I have only been hard enough to penetrate a girl with a condom 2 times and I came only 1 time. That 1 time I did cum, I was ramming her pretty fucking hard and fantasizing so not the best experience.

Why I am here - I want to not only be able to get erections again, but I also want the need to feel intimate with a woman. I also need to get my confidence back up to actually take a girl home. I have no problem hitting on a girl, but always think about sex and back up even after having a chance at sex in the bag. I have done some short reboots (7 days, 14 days, 20 days, 30 days), but nothing significant.

Current Progress - I am currently around 50 days and trying to reach 2 months and then hopefully 3 months down the road. I'm at the point where I have rebooting for the last few years reaching 3, 4, and 5 weeks until eventually relapsing. I want to make sure I reach the following milestones and build good habits along the way:

- 1 week
- 2 weeks
- 3 weeks
- 4 weeks
- 1 month (30 days)
- 5 weeks
- 6 weeks
- 7 weeks - Wet dream on day 44 (first in 11 years or so)
- 8 weeks - Wet dream on day 52; Peeked at porn on day 54
- 2 months (61 days)
- 9 weeks
- 10 weeks
- 11 weeks
- 12 weeks
- 3 months/ 13 weeks (91 days)
- 15 weeks
- 4 months
- 5 months
- 6 months


I will be updating my current progress as much as I can.

Day 40 was a doozy. Got drunk with friends and found myself peeking at porn before it was all said and done. I didn't masturbate or orgasm, but was definitely intoxicated by and falling into the porn. I luckily turned it off and passed out. Had the urges this morning, ignored them, and moved on.

Had a pretty terrible workday, but got through it and am fixing to go study and grab dinner. May also try to workout as I can't think of anything else that will help me more right now.

Here are my immediate goals at the moment:

- 5 weeks
- 6 weeks
- 45 days
- 7 weeks 
- 8 weeks

Also at a point where I need to decide if I should start dating and rewiring even though I am still very nervous about that. I'm also broke so I don't really want to spend money on women right now. We'll see what I decide to do. I am currently chatting with this gal who I find incredibly cute who I was supposed to meet up with a few weeks ago, but was too busy.

Hey tk,

Your whole story is almost identical to mine it's not funny. You've summed it up pretty concisely and well.

I still go out and have an active social life, but my sexual life is atrocious. I push girls away all the time

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I can vouch for this. I can go out and flirt and attract some really nice girls, but as soon as I take them out for a date, it's like I self sabotage myself. I push them away and get caught up fantasizing about going the distance as opposed to putting in some genuine effort and interest into treating them like a regular person.

I have only been hard enough to penetrate a girl with a condom 2 times and I came only 1 time. That 1 time I did cum, I was ramming her pretty fucking hard and fantasizing so not the best experience

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I've never been able to maintain an erection with a condom on, so I've always ended up bare-backing. Really not a smart move. I used to reason with myself that it took so much effort for me to cum that I would always be able to pull out, which was true, but I made a few girls feel pretty bad about themself because they couldn't make me cum. Whenever I have cum, it's been through heavy porn fantasy and my own doing/deathgrip. Not to mention risking the whole STI/STD side of things. Luckily I've remained clean.

I work partly from home, there are still days I relapse multiple times

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I'm in a similar situation and found this has been the hardest thing for me to learn to manage. Ultimately I love my job so I'm not going to quit it. However, my productivity has slightly decreased as now whenever I feel an urge, I get up and stop what I'm doing, go for run or play the piano or whatever I need to to clear my head and refocus, and then I come back and return to where I was up to before.

Congrats on making it to 40 days. Don't despair having a peek at porn. Particularly if you were drunk. The good thing is you didn't go all the way and completely relapse. Since I began my reboot I haven't been out for a big night, partly because I know that's one of my biggest triggers, but I've also just been so busy with other things that haven't been able to afford having a hangover the next day. Following this I have been beginning to consider just cutting down on drinking altogether while I'm rebooting. The benefits being A) I will re-learn how to socialise and have fun without having to use the influence of alcohol and B) my body could probably do with a solid detox from partying given the hounding it's taken over the past 10 years. This Easter weekend will be a challenge for me though as it's one of my good mates bday's and so it will turn into a big night no doubt.

I'm also broke so I don't really want to spend money on women right now

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Hahaha, this is the same excuse I've been reasoning to myself with for the last few years. Tough decision on the girl though, I know I'm trying to avoid anything like that until I at least reach 3 months, but I know how much it can burn inside to feel like you miss an opportunity with an awesome gal. Let us know how it goes.

Good luck on it all, and I'll keep following.

Thank you for commenting ksempai!

Yeah man it's tough to jump back into it and rewire slowly when I'm so used to one night stands. It's also much cheaper than taking a gal out as bad as that sounds.

Any who, I have essentially reached halfway to the initial 90 day goal which is nice I suppose.

I did have a wet dream last night which caught me by surprise! It involved me PMOing in the dream. Not entirely sure what was being watched, but I do recall my dream self just sort of saying fuck it and letting it happen. It felt so real. I woke up with cum in my boxers LMAO. I'll take it as progress and hopefully will help me avoid urges that I just need to release some jizz.

Looking forward to a busy week and then traveling home for a long weekend next weekend. Here are my goals for the immediate future:

- 45 days
- 7 weeks
- 8 weeks
- 2 months (60 days)

Got through an interesting week. Really busy the first half of the week. Went out last night and almost peeked at porn. Probably should have tried to sober up and not smoke weed. I avoided the porn, but it's funny how the dopamine rush is still so prevalent after rebooting for such a long time (inefficiently rebooted for a year and a half before this streak). Anywho, tomorrow is day 49 and here's how everything plays out moving forward:

- 7 weeks
- 8 weeks
- 2 months (60 days)
- 9 weeks

Awesome weekend. Pretty much was out most of it. I was starting to turn a little homebodyish the last few weeks, but the weather has gotten better and I was able to go out hang out with friends and others who were visiting. Nothing new to report, but looking forward to a busy week with a ton to do.

Good job man! Keep the forward momentum happening.

You said you've rebooted for a year and a half previously? What happened? How were you at the end of that?

I've been trying to steer clear of any form of recreational drugs as they're all dopamine hitters. It's been tough as that's how a good portion of my social circle parties up, but so far I've been able to find people and things to do where I won't be as tempted by it all. Has been some tough decisions at times though.

Keep powering and chugging along bro.

When I say year and a half of rebooting, I mean going between 15-30+ days and relapsing. This happened for a long time until I buckled down and focused by breaking down my plan into goals. Now I am almost at 10 weeks or 70 days!

What's been happening? I've been traveling quite a bit. My morning wood was back consistently until I got sick last Thursday and haven't slept well in the 6 days. I haven't had morning wood since. Hoping that I am almost done with this bout of the flu and will sleep more than the 5 hours I had been averaging lately. I also was out of town for wedding last weekend so I was just getting drunk with friends and not sleeping much. Had a blast and it was a giant reunion, but still need rest. Also want to add that I have a few more trips planned out for the next month and a half and they will come around, days 78-79, days 94-97, and days 114-117. These trips just give me more goals to look forward to.

My confidence has been sky high the last week or two. I have multiple dates with some random gals including a gal I met at the airport before my red eye (another reason why I am catching up on sleep) and shared a cab from the airport with. I also am going on a second date with a cute blonde from the past. Lastly, I am having dinner with my best friend, his girlfriend, and my ex roommate who I am crazy about. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way so I need to go out with her and tell her how I feel especially after an awkward moment we had on her bed on Monday where we literally just laid down and chatted while I caressed her back. It was essentially cuddling but with about a foot of bed between us.

The biggest surprise about the confidence is that has been showing up during one of the roughest work weeks I have had in the last two years. It is also showing up when I have been lacking sleep and sick, yet I have not shown any signs according to my boss, VP, and coworkers. Lastly, I have been closing deals left and right under these circumstances even though I have felt like shit, but not shown a thing. I feel that I would have folded under pressure and ran away 3 months ago when I felt like shit and lacked sleep, but things have changed. I don't know if this is because of noPMO or because I have been doing daily confidence memory, visualization, and emotion exercises.

Any who, I am definitely getting some action tomorrow and Friday and looking forward to it. I am hoping for some action and more with the ex roommate on Saturday that I crazy about and I need to find out if she feels the same way. Again, I don't want to regret anything and don't want to have to be thinking about this ex roommate when I am fucking around with other women. I am also going on a 2 day hike soon with this gal just the two of us as well as to a music festival with a few other friends so I want to sort this shit out.

The weirdest thing about this confidence high I am going through is that I feel like I am on cocaine all the time! Clearly, this confidence high is just a phase, it has to go down... Or even higher! I think I have still have a ways to go and feel confidence oozing from me as I type this. Any who, I am going to head to bed to wake up for a run and then work.

Peace out

Good on you dude! Breaking it up into short term goals is very smart thinking.

I know what you mean about feeling like you're on cocaine. During the reboot it will come in phases but I believe that once rebooted completely it will be a permanent change. That's what my end goal and greatest drive is. I mean how insane would that be, to be able to get a "cocaine" hit from just every day life. That's the type of thing that will make you successful.

Keep powering ahead man and good luck on your dates and short trips you've got coming up. Sounds like you're in a good place right now.

Thank you Ksempai. It's funny how simple goal setting really helped me with this process.

I suppose that we'll see how it all plays out, but to go 75 days on my first real organized reboot, I really can't complain especially with the rewiring progress I have seen. Now that PIED is improving, it is time to make sure my work and study habits improve next. Then workout habits after.

It's amazing the changes that you see in your life hey! The power of the brain!

What I could have achieved if I'd done this during uni has crossed my mind numerous times since beginning this journey. Not that I dwell on it, but from the improvements I've seen, I would've actually studied harder and not just coasted so much.

Keep powering forwards man!

Just finished my 11th week of noPMO on hard mode. Going to see the airport gal this weekend for some rewiring! Can't wait!!! Starting to crave intimacy even thought I probably won't get laid which is nice.

Congrats man! That's an awesome job!

Right there with you in craving intimacy. It's great, but also killing me talking with numerous pretty girls but not getting anything.

Patience my friend. Just keep going one day at a time

Hey there, I've quickly read through your journal and you've made some impressive progress!
keep up the good work and good luck with your rewiring plan!

Great job man. The journal gives me confidence to make it.

Thanks guys! Just trying to stay focused on not relapsing when drunk (only time I can't control the urges). Also just trying to rewire as much as possible with as many women as possible.

Didn't get to get as much action as I would have liked with the airport gal since she had visitors, but we made out a little bit and she was teasing with the dirty talk. Got a date with a new italian gal I just met as well as a flight to another city for a wedding with the ex roommate. Will "try" to see the airport gal. Someone on YBP told me to just play the field and don't really like anyone too much until things really progress and that's exactly what I am doing. I have 3 gals I am cycling through now so hopefully I get some more rewiring in. More to come.

Traveling to another city for a wedding this weekend and having some fun. Noticing some anxiety here and there around large crowds I don't know and using alcohol to fight that anxiety. Sometimes I hate using the alcohol to help myself in social situations, but it's not uncommon to do so. I think meditating and focusing on being more in the moment with friends or even people I just meet is probably where I should focus.

Nothing new to report. Haven't been able to rewire very much the last few days, but am having a blast with old and new friends. Have also noticed that I am caring less and less about "liking" women and more so just flirting with most around me. It's definitely dangerous with certain close friends who I am treating differently than I did in the past. This is NOT attributed to no fap as much as me just being more in control of my emotions, body language, and actions around people.

Morning wood is still coming in very strong so I can't complain there. Passed the 12 week/84 day mark and am now on day 86. I'm controlling my urges better even when I am drunk or tired. Knowing your triggers and how to react to them is huge!

Reached 90 days on hardmode. We'll probably post a little bit less than usual on this board as I don't like updating both YBR and RN. Need to cutdown on the internet altogether.

MW has been inconsistent and down the last week. Been rewiring actively with kissing, flirting, etc with multiple girls. Been drinking a little too much lately though... Need to tone that down moving forward!

Good job with 90 days man! Impressive job.