Who do i want to be

My recovery journal

So firstly how did i get here? 45 year old man struggling to recover from secret addiction that i find too shamful to share with those close to me, and also know the pain to them would be unfair and possibly unbearable. I starting looking at porn mags in my teens, but the internet i beleive really kicked this problem in to overdrive in my mid twenties, so i estimate this addiction to be 20+ years in development.

I waste around 15-30 hours a week on this total waste of time resulting in stress, bad moods, tiredness, shame and generally being a less effective human being. Somehow i have managed to sustain my very happy marriage, business (just about), and relationship with my kids, so why does a fortunate guy like me do something like this? 'Addiction'!

I have been caught by my wife on porn sites, and contacting escorts, and somehow managed to come through that with her yet hurt her immensely in so many ways.

I therefore not only have to do this for me, but for my wife, and my children. What more reason should i need.

So 04.12.17 the start of my final recovery which after 20 years wont be easy, wont be quick, and wont be without bumps in the road, so this is my recovery tracker/log.

What do i want to be?
1. A happy, confident, good human.
2. Financially secure.
3. A better husband (i already do much right, this is my only real negative)
4. A better dad
5. Physically and mentally healthy
6. To be genuinely proud of who i am.

How will i do it?
1 small step at a time my first small goals are.

1. A week without any porn.
2. To practice mindfulness daily
3. To focus more attention on my work during office hours
4. To focus more attention on my family out of office hours.

So 11.12.17 i must report back on my first small steps.

Best of luck everyone in your journeys, any advice welcome!!!!!

15-30 hours a week - that's a lot.
Welcome here! You will succeed in your goals!

I'm totally with you on this one: 3. A better husband (i already do much right, this is my only real negative)
The best husband is the man who loves himself. Quitting P(MO) would probably make you feel much better about yourself - much more confident! and that would make you a better husband.

Have you ever tried a reboot before?! Or is it all new to you?

I think, you should do this for YOU - not for your wife or children. I fully understand that you want to do it for them - but what happens if one night you want to be real kind to her, and she is really in a bad mood (or just tired) and goes to bed early? Would you still want to do this reboot for HER, or would it be an excuse to relapse? It has caused me to relapse quite a few times. (I'm not saying that my wife is in a bad mood all the time - but once in a while everybody is just tired and wants to sleep!)

Believe me: If you do this for YOU - you also do it for your wife and children, indirectly.

2. To practice mindfulness daily
3. To focus more attention on my work during office hours
4. To focus more attention on my family out of office hours.
These are good - do whatever you can! I do too!

1. A week without any porn.
I don't know what to say. If you've never tried to quit before, it's a reasonable statement. However if you've tried over and over you probably know that a brief "look" after a week will make your craving for more increase wildly!
I really hope that you come back a week from now and say: Let's take week number 2" while we're at it.

Good luck on your journey

Thanks for reply.

Not my first attempt, but somehow i feel like i have really had enough and im ready now. Whilst at 45 there is still so much life ahead of me, it also passes quickly and im so determined to be a better version of myself. I really believe i can achieve so much more with the rest of my life, my list of 5 year goals is the next part of the process.

1 week is only the first target, the end goal is complete reboot, however small bites are easier to digest.

Good luck to you also, hope your wel,l and continue to be so.

Welcome ipoh!

One thing I want to offer is have a plan when the temptation to pmo hits you. Yes, we want to be better for ourselves and our loved ones but, when we are tempted, often those loftier goals are forgotten (I forget them ). So we really need to have a plan to avert a pmo incident.

For me, the temptation is strong when I am angry or tired and what I do at the moment is --- do something even for a few minutes, such as go to the kitchen and drink water or look out of the window at the sky or listen to the radio. That brief amount of time brings me back to the sane reality most of the time and I see the futility of pursuing pmo. It works most of the time for me, but not always.

Just something for you to think about when you have the urge to pmo.

Good luck and we are here rooting for you!

-I

Thanks IWTL

I do need to consider those moments, your right that i have end goals and determination only to go on so will devise a similar plan for those moments to buy me vital minutes.

Just trialing blocker called cold turkey which looks good so will report back. It appears you set the sites you want blocking, set and end date for example 90 days ahead, then it blocks until that date, no password, no get out, just a warning at the start then no access.

3 days in to reboot and those little niggling urges appearing  triggers everywhere. Just got this morning to get through then away for weekend with family away from any computers or opportunity to relapse, so must be strong this morning then will get to day 7 first target for fee

For me urges are not so much strong, just regular and annoying, and set off by so many small triggers, TV presenter, women on street, etc, etc.

Time to clear my head and move on!

1 week achieved.

Big help cold turkey free blocker would recommend, as always not the complete solution but big help

Congratulations on one week! Keep doing good.

I was listening to a TED talk the other day that said time out in the nature is restorative and calming, so I have made it a habit to look at the trees (like a fool ) when I walk around. This way I avoid looking at triggering things and also hopefully get some nature goodness in me. Something to think about.

-I

Thanks IWTL

Totally agree i think taking in the environment such as trees etc is all good mindfulness practice and brings us in to the real world rather than virtual one.

How ridiculous does this addiction feel at times? think everyone has their issues though, its just how we deal with them.

checking in for Day 10 of reboot, how time flies.

Feeling positive and focused today.

Alone at PC as we speak but determined and confident i can make these hours productive rather than porn fueled.

Have a good day everyone

Glad to hear you are doing well.

Keep collecting good days and soon enough it will be a significant amount of your life well spent.

-I

Day 11 Feeling blessed!

I find even in early stages of focused re boot that i have much more positive outlook and huge feeling of gratitude so enjoying that right now.

The negative is this void i have to fill, i will be working hard then as soon as i tire or need a break for 5 minutes im drawn to the internet, and once on, wasted time passes so quickly, so its walk away clear my head, re-focus, then back on task. Sounds easy but we all know thats not true!

On with the grind, the rewards are immense so well worth it.

Day 16

Just logging my recognition of obvious trigger.

Sitting at my laptop working fully in my flow, then wife leaves to take daughter to school and bang the devil appears on my shoulder and starts prodding me, like hes been waiting for my wife to go out.

What strategies can i use other than sheer will power? for now visualise giving the devil on my shoulder a punch but hes no pushover of an opponent he will be back goading me.

Strategies?
1. Write about it on here.
2. 10 mins mindfulness to clear head
3. when he comes back, get up, walk around, clear head maybe 20 push ups i here can help, then back to work

I also just started,,,had no idea what this really was. I reached a point at the end of summer that 1) Wife wanted a divorce  2) My business was not doing well.
3) worse shape of my life.

hope I can do it.