Pinky vs. the Reptilian Brain

Pinky

Active Member
So guys, I thought I could give this journal thing a try. Hopefully my experience will help others, and I will also benefit from your advice.

I learned about nofap in 2013, and it was a life saver. I got a girlfriend, graduated, got a job, performed like a machine at work, got rid of my frequent depression episodes and in general felt happier and stronger the last 1.5 years than most of my life. My longest streak was 121 days (soft mode, i.e. sex was allowed).

Still
  • I start a binge session whenever I relapse.
  • I haven?t had a wet dream.
  • I haven?t tried hard mode (no O) for longer than 23 days.

And also, many parts of my life are a mess:

  • My social skills and social life are still underdeveloped. I guess I need a conscious effort here.
  • The relationship with my girlfriend does not seem to be going anywhere. If we break up any time soon, I will use that as an opportunity for going hard mode.
  • I still waste lots on facebook and news websites, and too often I cannot resist an urge to spend 12 hours playing a video game, instead of doing something more reasonable with that time.
I have an job interview coming in a couple of weeks, and I want to have a clear mind and get emotionally strong by that time. The technical preparation for the interview requires tons of work, and I cannot afford to waste my time watching porn or playing video games.
 

Pinky

Active Member
Here is my bro science-style understanding of the addiction.

[list type=decimal]
[*]Most activities trigger a dopamine release. These include e.g. sports, hanging out with friends, learning a new skill, going to an art gallery, writing a novel, developing a new product, cleaning your apartment or simply working a day job.
[*]
People have been working hard to develop easier and more efficient ways to release larger amounts of dopamine to our brains. They discovered sugar, alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, recreational drugs, newspapers, porn, junk food, TV, video games, image boards, Facebook, Youtube, Steam, Netflix and Spotify. Today, you can get as much dopamine as you want without making any significant physical or mental effort.
[*]
Dopamine receptors in your brain adapt to the dopamine levels they are exposed to. Once they become systematically exposed to the huge dopamine releases triggered by video games or porn, they stop noticing the tiny releases coming from, say, socializing or exercising. As a result, we lose any motivation for day-to-day things, because they require a lot of efforts, but release very humble amounts of dopamine.

[/list]
My goal is to reach, say, again 120 days without PMO. This time I will also try to combine it with shorter low-dopamine streaks.

A day is low-dopamine if I
[list type=decimal]
[*]Got up at 6am, immediately after the alarm went off.

[*]Took a cold shower, and was done with that by 6.10 or 6.15.

[*]Left my apartment by 6.45.

[*]? and the apartment was clean and tidy when I left.

[*]Ran 3 km.

[*]Lifted weights at the gym.

[*]Did not watch porn or masturbate.

[*]Avoided all sexual thoughts (this usually helps me a lot - once you realize you have a sexual thought, take several deep breaths and think about something else)

[*]At work, visited only websites that are directly related to my work (no news, blogs, checking personal email account, linkedin or facebook. I get this one for free when it is a day off).

[*]Abstained from caffeine

[*]Abstained from sugar (except fruits)

[*]Abstained from alcohol.

[*]Avoided any sources of irrelevant information on the internet while at home (facebook, news, youtube). Exceptions: one hour a week, say, Saturday 10-11am. Also, I can check out links sent to me by friends.

[*]Did not listen to music (I realized I use music as a way to cope with anxiety. At some I was literally unable to work without listening to Spotify).

[*]Did not play video games.
[*]Meditated for at least 10 minutes (this is the right way to cope with anxiety).

[*]Turned off my wireless router and 3G connection at 8.50 pm.

[*]Got to bed by 9.40pm (unless I was hanging out with friends that night).

[*]Counted calories and hit my macros (approximately)

[*]Completed a task that I am likely to postpone (fixing a tap, seeing a dentist etc)

[/list]

I will calculate my Daily Score based on this list and post it here. I will possibly make changes to the list along the way.

Getting a perfect score is possible, but difficult. Once I had a three day streak, and on the fourth day my reptilian brain rebelled and I ended up playing video games until the next morning. Let us see if I can do better with this forum.

This time I will also keep track of the total number of MO sessions, so that I do not binge when I accidentally relapse.
 

Pinky

Active Member
Day 0
Score: 4/18
Mood: 2/10

I have just broken my 30 days nofap-streak. It all ended with a long binge session, with video games, mindless internet surfing, porn and alcohol. I finally went to bed at 4 am and was woken up at 10am by a call from my girlfriend. We?ve been rarely seeing each other lately, and I tend to tell her that I have too much to do (and I am indeed supposed to be doing important stuff). Now that she learned that I?ve just spent 10 hours playing Skyrim and watching porn, she is totally mad at me.

I feel miserable now. Whenever I return to my old ways after a solid streak, it feels weird: I experience once again the forgotten feelings of depression, weakness, inferiority and neediness, and then I realize that this is what my everyday life was like before I discovered YBOP.

I hope to reclaim some of the emotional stability (as well as the good sex life) within a week.

My friends and my girlfriend called me later again, saying that we could hang out, but I just did not feel like it. In the end my GF was almost crying, I know it is stupid, but I have to clean up the mess in my apartment, and also finish writing this post.

Let us hope I have plenty of sleep tonight, so that I handle tomorrow better.
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Hey man!

Firstly I just want to congratulate you on your 120 day streak of no P. Thats a massive achievement by itself. By the sounds of it this has helped you greatly in your personal life. You've turned it around but still there are some things that your not happy with. This is understandable but remember if we were complete satisfied with ourselves then life might get boring fairly fast. The important thing is to realise what we are weak at or what we are not happy with, that nobody is perfect and that we can change if we put our minds to it!

Secondly I just wanted to say that I love your style of journal so far! I believe the score system you have set out should make it fairly easy for you to keep track of your progress and will help you get through each day!

Finally ... Im sorry to hear about your relapse. It sucks it really does. Maybe it wouldnt be a bad idea to try and spend some time with friends and GF. Would it cheer you up ?

Anyways Ill be following your journal so keep posting!

Best of luck!
 

Pinky

Active Member
Thanks for your support, mate! I?ve read your journal and looks like we have some things in common ;)

The 120 streak was actually quite easy. It was my fourth attempt, by that time I had already learned how to tackle the urges (e.g. cold showers), avoid triggers (stress, lack of sleep, surfing the net when you are sleepy) etc. Fapping was not a deeply ingrained habit anymore, and I could go to bed without jerking off and still fall asleep instantly. We spent a lot of time with my GF, I almost never stayed alone, and we had lots of sex (which gradually got better and better - at first I had to use fantasy and the sex was mediocre). Also, the streak started the same day I started the new job, where I experienced zero-level stress for the first couple of months. I did not even go through a flatline, like the one you are experiencing now.

On the contrary, my first two streaks were tough. It was right after I broke up with my ex, and I was going through the nightmare of the graduation year (pulling all-nighters regularly and submitting dozens of job applications). And I happened to meet my soon-to-be girlfriend exactly when I was going through the flatline - so I could not get it up for the first couple of hours, embarrassingly enough. But fighting the urges actually made me stronger and helped me a lot - when I started nofap I had serious doubts I would ever graduate. I guess I would not, if I continued wasting all my evenings and weekends fapping, or if I had to continue suffering from porn-induced depression.

DayByDay said:
The important thing is to realise what we are weak at or what we are not happy with, that nobody is perfect and that we can change if we put our minds to it!
Exactly, this is what makes life fun!
DayByDay said:
Maybe it wouldnt be a bad idea to try and spend some time with friends and GF. Would it cheer you up ?
It would definitely cheer me up, but today I have a ?fuck it, I start a new life tomorrow? mood :)

Good luck with going through the hell of your flatline, stay strong!
 

DayByDay

Active Member
I appreciate you taking the time to read through my journal!

Let us know how you get any tomorrow as it will pretty much be your first day complete!

Did you find having a GF mad it a bit easier, or would you have prefered to abstain from O as well ? Im heading to a festival in a few weeks where (I am assuming anyways) I might get the chance to have sex with a girl. Part of me wants to just to see if I can overcome my shyness/nerves, but another part of me wants to stick with hardcore hardmode.
 

Pinky

Active Member
DayByDay said:
Did you find having a GF mad it a bit easier, or would you have prefered to abstain from O as well ?
Around a month ago I was abroad for almost two weeks. Even after I came back, I did not see my GF for another five days (we were mad at each other for one reason or another, and did even talk to each other). That all resulted in an unintentional 16 days monk mode streak. It actually felt fantastic! 

When we finally met and had sex, it was intense (first in her office  :-[ , then at home). But the day after I felt like crap: depressed, empty and ready to relapse. Maybe the orgasm was not the reason, maybe I felt that way because of the guilt (when we were in the office she started crying saying it is wrong not to talk to each other for weeks and then just fuck when we first met). Anyway, it seemed like going hard no orgasm mode is easier than going soft mode.

On the other hand, I doubt I would ever manage 120 days without her. Regular sex and spending most of my time together with her helped a lot.

If you are going to a festival without having to worry about whether you will succeed in scoring with a girl or not, won?t it make the festival more enjoyable? If sex happens (due to your newly acquired pussy magnet super powers ;) ), let it happen, who knows, perhaps you?ll find the love of your life. But don?t force it, it will just lead to random one-night stands with people who do not care about you (or people you do not care about).
 

Pinky

Active Member
Day 1

Nofap streak: 1
Score: 18/18 (1 day streak)
Mood: 8/10

Day 1 was fairly easy and thoroughly enjoyable. I managed to achieve a perfect score, and that felt great!.

The spring is amazing! It is a little pity I am still sabotaging my social life: I turned down an invitation to go hiking. My GF did go, the hike took longer than expected, so I did not see her today, either. From a phone conversation I gathered she felt neglected. Whatever, I have no regrets.

I think I have discovered a huge dopamine source - this forum. It may become a problem in the future if I spend too much time here. But it is not junk dopamine: every time I post here I put a great deal of effort into it, checking grammar, looking up phrases and thinking through the content - a great way to learn how to express oneself in English. And find a lot of motivation here. I?ve read robust?s journal  and I must say the guy is a beast - a competitive powerlifter reading Kant, Old Norse poetry and tons of other difficult books. He puts many of us here to shame. But that?s a very good thing - it is a great inspiration to get out and do something worthwhile.

I have noticed a strange effect of this forum. I was vacuuming my apartment, then I was like, well, why not take one more step and mop the floor thoroughly. So I did. Then I went to the bathroom and thought, hey, those little stains are gross. Then I went in the kitchen, saw my microwave, got really ashamed of how greasy it was and cleaned it. I literally had to force myself to stop and switch to other things. Now I feel more responsible for my actions, knowing that someone is reading about it.

Fun fact: turns out Churchill never said ?If you are going through hell, keep going? (http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/09/14/keep-going/). He did say, however,  ?Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy?  (http://www.winstonchurchill.org/resources/quotations/quotes-faq), which is still a great quote, if you ask me.
 

Pinky

Active Member
Day 2

Nofap streak: 2
Score: 18/18 (2 days streak)
Mood: 7/10

Woke up several times with erections last night.  Could be because I was wearing looser boxers than usual.

Things are getting more challenging - and more fun :) Going for a run at 6.30am today was not as easy as yesterday, I was still sleepy and not completely recovered from yesterday?s workout. But it is always a bit difficult to return to an exercise routine after a break, even if the break was just one or two weeks.

Anxiety has kicked in. Shaking my foot the whole day, nervous about the upcoming interview in two weeks. I hope a 10 minute meditation session will help.

Added later:

The spring is as amazing as it was yesterday. On my way to the gym I could not stop grinning. In the gym, after I was done with my workout (arm day) I thought that it may be a good idea to have an extra workout the same day (leg day). So I did it, just to have something to brag about in this journal. Public accountability rocks! I doubt I will be able to walk properly tomorrow, though.

Then I agreed to eat out with my GF. At first she did not even allow me to hold her hand, and was all like ?You are realizing that our relationship is not ok, aren?t you?. At some point she questioned whether we should continue trying to make it work. But the grin I had on my face three hours earlier was still there, and when I heard the question I smiled even more: ?looks like Pinky has a chance to both quit a toxic relationship and try 90 days monk mode?. Long story short, she ended up telling me she is getting wet down there, that I am the man of her dreams, hugging and kissing me, crying and all that lady stuff. Have you guys ever noticed that women are strange?

I did not invite her to my place though, partly because I need at least one week to recover from the last binge - before I can perform decently.
 

Chaos Mind

Active Member
Hey Pinky!

I like the name of your journal! Throughout your journal entries I sense humor as your major weapon against the addiction. That's a very cool thing to do :) I too like to make fun of the things I hate. Problems seem smaller when you make them appear ridiculous. Do you happen to know the Harry Potter scene with the boggart that visualizes your biggest fear but will vanish as soon as you make fun of it? That's exactly how issues can be tackled.

Thumbs up for you and your big achievements! I will occasionally pop in and help you along the way. All the best, mate :)
 

sammaster

Member
  I was thinking about porn addiction and I came to the conclusion that it was part of a bigger addiction, at least for my case. For me, porn addiction is part of what I call the ''computer addiction'', and I want to overcome it all.

  A couple of months ago, I checked a book on addictions and I was mind-blowned. The same patterns happen in every single addictions. For example, before I started to work on myself, when I had a stressful week, you can be sure that I would play video game, watch manga, look at porn, go on facebook / youtube, and lose all my weekend. This is an addiction pattern. To forget, to ''heal'' my stressful week, I would indulge in easy dopamine witch came from the computer. I started my abstinence with porn because it affected the hardness of my erections, the priority was there! I also started my gaming abstinence in april, and so far so good.

  To help myself I used hypnotherapy. It seriously helped the process of quitting porn and gaming. I use a session that is called ''transformation int?rieure'' (french) witch translate to inner transformation. If you are opened minded and want to try it out, it defenitly pay off.

  Keep going to free your mind!
 

Pinky

Active Member
Thank you guys for your thoughts and support!

I did not happen to read/watch all the Harry Potter books/movies, but I do know for sure that humor and self-irony are great therapeutic tools, and a sure way to take a sober look at the surrounding world and oneself.

sammaster said:
The same patterns happen in every single addictions.

Absolutely! Before I started with nofap I had very little sympathy for, say, heroin addicts. Why can?t they just stop injecting shit into their veins, I wondered. Now I?ve been asking myself the same question for the last 1.5 years:  why can?t I just stop watching porn / playing video games etc. And I?ve discovered that cravings can be strong, mindblowingly strong. Also, I read somewhere on the interwebs about a recovered drug addict who got addicted to running, to the point of breaking both his legs - could be that a person with a history of one addiction is susceptible to all other kinds of addiction.

sammaster said:
For example, before I started to work on myself, when I had a stressful week, you can be sure that I would play video game, watch manga, look at porn, go on facebook / youtube, and lose all my weekend. This is an addiction pattern. To forget, to ''heal'' my stressful week, I would indulge in easy dopamine witch came from the computer.

Right, instead of facing your problems you just escape and dope yourself with easy dopamine, be it music, facebook, food, alcohol or porn. Since you are unable to cope with anxiety in any meaningful or healthy way, you become extremely vulnerable to any stressful situation. Public speaking becomes a nightmare because you cannot listen to your favorite tune, or watch porn simultaneously to relieve your anxiety.

According to Wikipedia, hypnotherapy is not bogus, so maybe I will try it some day. I will first try to stick to the good old meditation and abstination, though.
 

Chaos Mind

Active Member
[QUOTE author="Pinky"]According to Wikipedia, hypnotherapy is not bogus, so maybe I will try it some day.[/QUOTE]

It definitively isn't! Follow the link in my signature to find a post about some ideas related to self-hypnosis and other tools for our subconsciousness. The problem is that people often compare hypnotherapy to a medical treatment. You don't get hypnotized to find yourself not craving a single video of porn again. It takes some time and it needs a lot of work beside the sessions, but it helps a lot if you know how to use it!
 

sammaster

Member
Exactly! Hypnotherapy's process begin slowly, at the beginning you hardly notice the change, but after some time and repetition you defenitly see the impact of it. Because of popular show, hypnosis is almost seen as magic. Some sees it as a medical treatment, but it really is a simple thing and it can be use in self-improvement. The two things you need to get the benefices from hypnotherapy are :

-1 Want to change, work on yourself, or wathever you call it.
-2 Being able to relax, the more you can the better.

Your subconscious + any effectives sessions, will do the rest.

 

nmslee

New Member
First log, I've been struggling with porn addition for I'd say 9-10 years un aware of it and started in high school. It wasn't until recently that I started to make a true effort to break from this. My wife of going on 5 years has had enough and I have tried countless time to quit. I would be good for a few weeks at a time and then relapse, my most recent attempt started 3 months ago when I found this site. I was solid on no porn or porn substations for ALMOST 2 months and then relapsed :-\. Of course wife found out heart broken because I tried to hide it like I always do. Just reset my counter for 30 days and am going to Hit this hard again. My goal is a life of no porn or porn substations, starting 30 days at a time wish me luck!
 

Pinky

Active Member
Day 3

No O streak: 3
No PMO streak: 3
Score: 18/18 (3 days streak)
Mood: 5/10

The euphoria of the first two days has ended. Monday, back at work. Turns out you can get tired if you actually work the whole day, and not just check blogs and wikipedia.

When I was going back home, my body hurt because of the workouts I had in the last three days. I was tired, hungry, and completely unwilling to go for a run. Yet I did go, so it is 18/18 again. But I do not feel as proud about it, as I did yesterday.

Usually, when I feel stupid at work I drink an espresso, then quickly solve all the problems and feel smart again. Since caffeine is not allowed any longer, I just feel stupid.

Facebook is evil. If you don?t check it for a couple of days, it sends you an email telling you how much fun you have missed. Unsubscribed from that shit.

Even Pocket, an app I use to save distracting links so that I can read stuff later, has sent me an email ?The most popular stories on Pocket this week?, with more distractions. Unsubscribed.

I feel I suck at what I do.

So far I am going hard mode. It is not clear what the current status of my relationship is.

All these gloomy thoughts must be dopamine withdrawal symptoms, I expected them and I reluctantly accept them.
 

Pinky

Active Member
Day 4

No O streak: 4
No PMO streak: 4
Score: 18/18 (4 days streak)
Mood: 3/10

Tonight I was dreaming I was playing Skyrim. Then I thought ?wait, aren?t you on supposed to be on a streak of not playing video games??, and the dream ended. There were also other weird (non-sexual) dreams, and I woke up with erections several times.

Fapping is the least of my concerns today, compared to other cravings. My inner reptile was demanding coffee and chocolate the whole morning. When I was passing by a Nespresso store, I saw they have a limited edition on sale. Too bad I will never try it.

For the most of the day I felt I could break down in tears at any moment. I felt weak, and life seemed boring to put it mildly. Today and yesterday my palms were sweatier than usual.

Going for a run in the evening was the biggest challenge. I had low motivation, and to make things worse it was raining. After the run I began feeling a bit better.
 

mybestself

Active Member
Hey Pinky. Great job hitting that run even though it was raining and you were feeling low. Also impressive that you've managed to hit 18/18 on your daily habits - keep it up!

Was just wondering what your reasons are for giving up coffee? I also go through periods where I consider giving up coffee but I've never lasted that long. I can resist no problem during the weekend but I use it as a crutch at work to get stuff done. Anyone, I'm curious to understand your motivation.

mybestself
 

DayByDay

Active Member
Hey man! Really nice to see you are hitting your daily goals each day! I might have to create a list like this, even if its just for week days were my routine of a 9-5 job is constant throughout the week. It's good that you are taking the positives out of everything as well. How are you finding the no video games ? Do you feel more productive ?

mybestself said:
Was just wondering what your reasons are for giving up coffee? I also go through periods where I consider giving up coffee but I've never lasted that long. I can resist no problem during the weekend but I use it as a crutch at work to get stuff done. Anyone, I'm curious to understand your motivation.

I'm the same as MyBestSelf here. I find that during the week I need my coffee in the morning before the gym, and then possibly one or two at work to keep me awake and keep me going. During the weekends then I find myself not really needing them but more so wanting them. I work beside a cafe so I use the nice coffee at the weekends to get me through the week. Either way I havnt had any coffee today or yesterday so I'm considering abstaining altogether from it as well.

If Im honest though, I find myself coming back to the same point. Nobody is perfect so why do we feel the need to make sure we dont have coffee, we dont play video games ... etc. What if these flaws are what makes us who we are ? Like when I read about you walking past the Nespresso place and not trying out the limited edition coffee, all that went through my head was "why not?". We are supposed to live life and try and enjoy it as best we can, not remove everything we take pleasure from.

Please dont take the above as me having a go at you, its far from it. Its just something Im struggiling with myself. On one hand I want to be a better me, but on the other hand, I dont want to sacrifice things I enjoy.
 

Pinky

Active Member
@mybestself and @DayByDay - thank you guys for your support and also for the important questions!

DayByDay said:
Nobody is perfect so why do we feel the need to make sure we dont have coffee, we dont play video games ... etc. What if these flaws are what makes us who we are ? Like when I read about you walking past the Nespresso place and not trying out the limited edition coffee, all that went through my head was "why not?". We are supposed to live life and try and enjoy it as best we can, not remove everything we take pleasure from.
If I am not mistaken, Epicureanism, Buddhism and Christianity were all created in an attempt to answer exactly this question. According to Epicurus, pleasure is is the sole goal in life. But true pleasure can only be achieved through moderation. In Buddhism, you should abandon sensual pleasure to reach Nirvana. Same goes with Heavenly Kingdom and various other shit.

Well, whatever. My motivation is purely neurological. We are all experimenters on this forum, and I just want to see what happens if you are low on dopamine for a longer period of time. In theory, I should begin getting high on life in a couple of months, as the brain begins to become more responsive to smaller doses of dopamine. I will post updates in this journal so that you guys don?t have to suffer unnecessarily.

DayByDay said:
How are you finding the no video games ? Do you feel more productive ?
To be honest, my video games addiction is not that strong, I just did not try that many games in my life. Sometimes I do go on a binge, and begin playing on Friday evening, take a nap on Saturday morning until afternoon and then repeat the routine until Sunday evening. But that?s it, I can easily go months without playing. When I don?t play, I don?t feel more productive, I just have more time (30 hours per week) and, in theory, more motivation for other things.

mybestself said:
Was just wondering what your reasons are for giving up coffee? I also go through periods where I consider giving up coffee but I've never lasted that long. I can resist no problem during the weekend but I use it as a crutch at work to get stuff done.
Here is a great article about coffee: http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/02/22/coffee/
Here are the main two reasons:
[list type=decimal]
[*] Dopamine:
Coffee also releases dopamine, the feel-good chemical in the brain which is released when you have an orgasm, win the lottery and shoot heroin. A similar addiction cycle with dopamine leads to depression and fatigue when you aren?t hitting the beans.

[*]
In the long term, caffeine is useless.
The take home is that regular use of caffeine produces no benefit to alertness, energy, or function. Regular caffeine users are simply staving off caffeine withdrawal with every dose ? using caffeine just to return them to their baseline.

[/list]
 
Top