Your words resonate with me quite a bit. We are VERY early in our recovery. I found out, confronted him, and he vowed to change. It was a few days later that I happened upon the "Yourbrainonporn" site and we could finally put a name to what he had - porn addiction. After that, he really went full force in trying to recover. He has 1) stopped looking at porn, 2) stopped PMO, 3) sought counseling, 4) purchased a journal to log his feelings. He comes to bed at the same time I do every night. He put very specific plans in place for how to have success when he was home alone for a night. He really is all in with trying to recover.
I, however, am stuck in the "meantime". Figuring out what to do with myself while he works on his recovery. I know I need to work on my own recovery at this point. I believe I will get there, I put a very specific plan in place.
I think the hardest thing is dealing with just how much porn changed my husband. Never, ever in a million years would I or anyone else imagine he to be one that didn't just consume porn, but consumed hardcore porn. It was so vastly different from who he is as a person. It was like having a stranger in my home. It was been hard to wonder that if he was able to keep this such a deep secret for so long, just how much else is he keeping secret? I wonder how he can ever find normal sex satisfying after spending year and year viewing some of the most deplorable things I could imagine. The other thing I struggle with now is believing he loves me. My husband is, aside from the porn addiction, a good guy. He will stay in this marriage because it is the right thing to do. So, I have been fighting off thoughts that maybe he is sticking around as a punishment for his porn use. Kind of like, he doesn't really love me, isn't really attracted to me, doesn't really want to be here - but since he feels so guilty about what he did, he is willing to stay in his own private hell to atone for his hurting me.
The mountain I am dealing with, that feels like it will be hardest to climb - is my want to be wanted. He wanted porn, so he did everything and anything he needed to do for five years to get his fill. He put more into this addiction than I have seen him put in anything because, like you said, he worked so hard to hide it. I kept creating in my head the scenarios I needed to see to believe he truly wanted to be with me, rather feeling obligated to stay with a woman he had no desire for. Of course, because he is an addict in recovery, he has not been able to do anything of those things. Just little things - like stop what he is doing, look at me, and tell me I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I wanted him to call and say, "Don't cook tonight, I am taking you and the kids to dinner, then later tonight I just want to hold you." I wanted him to look at me and say, "You know, I have always loved seeing you in those earring or those jeans or that shirt." But, he can't give me that. Right now, all he can do is try to recover from his addiction.
So, the most I can hope for at this point is that he is as miserable as I am in some ways. I am still in a marriage with no intimacy or attachment, the same as we had when he was using the porn. The only different now is that he isn't using porn. I know in the back of my mind this is temporary. We were doing well the first couple weeks of his recovery. However, he has hit the flatline and there is just nothing. My reaction to the flatline was feeling once again like a failure and unable to turn my husband on. Again, I realize this is a part of the process, but those thoughts just take hold. When I found out the flatline could last for years, oh my gosh my heart broke into a million pieces. You mean I am going to be lying in bed next to a man with absolutely no desire for intimacy for a couple years - ANOTHER couple of years? So, while he is "getting better" I get the exact same relationship that started this whole mess to begin with?
In complete honestly Emerald Blue - I want a prize. I want a big prize. I want a payoff for going through the hurt and the shame and the pain. Right now, it appears that the best I can hope for is a restored marriage. That's it. No restitution, no extra reward for for staying faithful and enduring the pain. I know it sounds selfish and a bit absurd, but I feel cheated. I know on television when a woman finds out her husband cheated and she stays by his side, he feels deeply indebted to her. My reward seems to be that my husband will "try" not to look at porn again.
I am sure this feeling will subside. Honestly, sometimes I feel stupid for behaving relatively calmly when I confronted him. Maybe I would feel better if I punched a wall or left with the kids for a few days or ran out and had an affair of my own. I didn't, I just cried. I did make demands and he agreed to them all, but they were simple and reasonable - no more porn, showing me all bills, not using the computer at night unless it was in our room. No demands for a new and better wedding ring, or maid service, or a trip to the beach. Just a simple, "Please don't hurt me again." It feels cheap, five years and all I asked was, "Please don't hurt me again." I fancied myself to be a tougher cookie than that. I alway thought if my husband violated our marriage I would absolutely make him pay, he would feel my wrath. Nope, just me crying like a toddler, curled in the fetal position, wondering what the heck was wrong with me that I couldn't even compete with a computer screen. I wonder if maybe I have sold myself short, did I devalue myself so much that he will wonder if I am really worth it after all. The is something in the pursuit that men do enjoy and I just caved.
I am trying to focus on my own recovery now. I can see it is going to be a lot harder than I imagined. I can't even think about my marriage at this point because I am such a broken mess. That is the part of this that just seems so unfair. I was sitting there all this time being faithful even when things weren't great, ready to make changes and do things differently and help him get what he needed to find happiness. And here I am, stuck picking up all the little pieces all by myself. And at the end of the day, the biggest "reward" I can hope to gain is a husband that doesn't prefer jacking off to the computer over having an intimate relationship with me. This is going to be a longer recovery process than I imagined.