rebootrapp
Active Member
I've been PMOing since I don't know when, at least 13 years, because it's been the whole time I've been with my wife, but before then too.
My wife is a beautiful woman, an amazing friend and mother, and is super fun to hang with. Shes just as big a nerd as I am, she's got a quick wit, and sharp as a tack. She's been my best friend since we started dating, and I've relied on her as my anchor forever now.
I've always thought that watching porn was normal for guys, I've always done it, every guy I know well enough to talk about that stuff does too. It's just what we do, right? Anyway, my wife has never been okay with it, so I lied and hid my habit. I'm better with computers and stuff so it should be easy to get away with it forever, right?
So over the years she's caught me numerous times. She's seen a tab open on my phone once, actually caught me watching it straight up once. Every time it raises a big fight, and every time we both end up pissed. Her for the obvious reasons, and me for getting caught mostly.
A few years back she compromised, she said as long as I stopped watching internet porn and we bought some DVDs she could live with that, at least the history wouldn't be out there for people to dig up if they wanted. She did a boudoir photo shoot, really laid herself bare to try and give me alternatives to the streaming. I stopped online porn for a while, but it always dragged me back.
Last year, I don't remember how she caught me, but she made it clear that to her it was cheating, not substantively any different than actually stepping out on her. This was a huge shock to me, if she had told me watched porn all day while I was at work I'd have been turned on, but she thought it was cheating? Really? Cheating?
I chewed on that for a while, and really tried to buckle down. I used a video of us rather than other girls for a solid 2-3 weeks, but after a decade of porn use, I was used to new stuff all the time. And I really only watched videos with stuff that she won't do in them, so after a while I couldn't use it anymore. And I remember feeling really shitty about it, like well, here we go again. I knew what would happen, but couldn't stop myself from going to the old standby, and I'll tell ya, the guy in the reflection while the video loaded was a pretty pathetic looking dude.
So fast forward to last Saturday, 8 days ago. I'm in the bathroom on my phone, not intending to PMO at all. I tried watching some music video on YouTube but it wouldn't load right, so I said screw it and pulled up a porn vid. Still didn't intend on MOing, but was bored, so screw it. As its loading, and unbeknownst to me, my wife had plugged in a Bluetooth speaker we have to start charging, and my phone synced up with it. He video starts and she hears it. I thought had turned the video all the way down, so when I saw the video controls pop up and the volume slider start moving on its own, I knew I was screwed. I was supposed to have a good night, with family coming down a little later. And now it was all gonna be fucked. And it was. She didn't raise a stink when my family was at the house, but it wasn't a fun night once they left.
The next morning she broke it down. It's us or the porn, there isn't room in my life for this crap anymore, and I'll take your son and leave if you don't stop.
I had no doubt in that moment that she meant every word. She loves me. I love her. But I've burned her time after time after time with this for our entire relationship, and understandably she's had enough of the lying, the betrayal, and the pain.
So I again promised to stop, and that night we did some searching, and learned of porn addiction. She found this site a few days later. She's been great since then, trying to be there for me, being my cheerleader in a way, as the future of our family depends on it.
So I'm at day 8 now. No PMO at all since then. We made love on nights two and three, and the morning of day 4 I wanted to watch our own video so damn bad, but didn't. Ive had literally zero desire to watch P.
I may or may not have some mild PIED symptoms, she thinks I do. I'm not sure. I think that the times I couldn't get it up for her were because I had probably just PMOd an hour before and wasn't ready to go again yet. But anyway, yesterday we made out in bed and just laid together for a little while, and he was up and ready, so that was relieving. I'd gone since day 4 without an erection at all, was nice to know I still get them. I haven't had morning wood in a while, so something is up for sure. She's probably right. Ha.
Anyway, thanks for making it this far if you did, hopefully we can all help each other through this crap and become the men we always thought we were in the first place. I'm committed to my wife, my son, my marriage, my family, and can't mess this up again. She seems to understand that a relapse is likely, as long as I get back on track and keep moving she'd be okay. For once I'd like to surpass her expectations and do this right the "first" time, even though it's actually my bazillionth time trying to quit already. I've never had her as a partner for help, I never knew that porn addiction was a real thing, and I never had a community like this to help before, I feel great so far. I feel like it could actually work this time. I'm realistic enough to know that I'll have some terrible days, though I haven't yet. I've got enough to hobbies and books that I can find something else to do when the urge really hits.
Thanks again for reading guys. I'll update every few days or so, or when something notable happens.
My wife is a beautiful woman, an amazing friend and mother, and is super fun to hang with. Shes just as big a nerd as I am, she's got a quick wit, and sharp as a tack. She's been my best friend since we started dating, and I've relied on her as my anchor forever now.
I've always thought that watching porn was normal for guys, I've always done it, every guy I know well enough to talk about that stuff does too. It's just what we do, right? Anyway, my wife has never been okay with it, so I lied and hid my habit. I'm better with computers and stuff so it should be easy to get away with it forever, right?
So over the years she's caught me numerous times. She's seen a tab open on my phone once, actually caught me watching it straight up once. Every time it raises a big fight, and every time we both end up pissed. Her for the obvious reasons, and me for getting caught mostly.
A few years back she compromised, she said as long as I stopped watching internet porn and we bought some DVDs she could live with that, at least the history wouldn't be out there for people to dig up if they wanted. She did a boudoir photo shoot, really laid herself bare to try and give me alternatives to the streaming. I stopped online porn for a while, but it always dragged me back.
Last year, I don't remember how she caught me, but she made it clear that to her it was cheating, not substantively any different than actually stepping out on her. This was a huge shock to me, if she had told me watched porn all day while I was at work I'd have been turned on, but she thought it was cheating? Really? Cheating?
I chewed on that for a while, and really tried to buckle down. I used a video of us rather than other girls for a solid 2-3 weeks, but after a decade of porn use, I was used to new stuff all the time. And I really only watched videos with stuff that she won't do in them, so after a while I couldn't use it anymore. And I remember feeling really shitty about it, like well, here we go again. I knew what would happen, but couldn't stop myself from going to the old standby, and I'll tell ya, the guy in the reflection while the video loaded was a pretty pathetic looking dude.
So fast forward to last Saturday, 8 days ago. I'm in the bathroom on my phone, not intending to PMO at all. I tried watching some music video on YouTube but it wouldn't load right, so I said screw it and pulled up a porn vid. Still didn't intend on MOing, but was bored, so screw it. As its loading, and unbeknownst to me, my wife had plugged in a Bluetooth speaker we have to start charging, and my phone synced up with it. He video starts and she hears it. I thought had turned the video all the way down, so when I saw the video controls pop up and the volume slider start moving on its own, I knew I was screwed. I was supposed to have a good night, with family coming down a little later. And now it was all gonna be fucked. And it was. She didn't raise a stink when my family was at the house, but it wasn't a fun night once they left.
The next morning she broke it down. It's us or the porn, there isn't room in my life for this crap anymore, and I'll take your son and leave if you don't stop.
I had no doubt in that moment that she meant every word. She loves me. I love her. But I've burned her time after time after time with this for our entire relationship, and understandably she's had enough of the lying, the betrayal, and the pain.
So I again promised to stop, and that night we did some searching, and learned of porn addiction. She found this site a few days later. She's been great since then, trying to be there for me, being my cheerleader in a way, as the future of our family depends on it.
So I'm at day 8 now. No PMO at all since then. We made love on nights two and three, and the morning of day 4 I wanted to watch our own video so damn bad, but didn't. Ive had literally zero desire to watch P.
I may or may not have some mild PIED symptoms, she thinks I do. I'm not sure. I think that the times I couldn't get it up for her were because I had probably just PMOd an hour before and wasn't ready to go again yet. But anyway, yesterday we made out in bed and just laid together for a little while, and he was up and ready, so that was relieving. I'd gone since day 4 without an erection at all, was nice to know I still get them. I haven't had morning wood in a while, so something is up for sure. She's probably right. Ha.
Anyway, thanks for making it this far if you did, hopefully we can all help each other through this crap and become the men we always thought we were in the first place. I'm committed to my wife, my son, my marriage, my family, and can't mess this up again. She seems to understand that a relapse is likely, as long as I get back on track and keep moving she'd be okay. For once I'd like to surpass her expectations and do this right the "first" time, even though it's actually my bazillionth time trying to quit already. I've never had her as a partner for help, I never knew that porn addiction was a real thing, and I never had a community like this to help before, I feel great so far. I feel like it could actually work this time. I'm realistic enough to know that I'll have some terrible days, though I haven't yet. I've got enough to hobbies and books that I can find something else to do when the urge really hits.
Thanks again for reading guys. I'll update every few days or so, or when something notable happens.