Broccolini's diary

Hi all,

Early 30s man here.  Been looking at P since I was about 12, when we first got dialup internet at home.  Have gone through various reboots and made it to 60+ days a few times.  Last year I almost made it to 90 with only one fall.  But the overall trend has been that it has become harder and harder to go long stretches without falling.  I've whitelisted the internet on all my devices yet somehow I still seem to find ways around it.  In my most recent falls I've found myself looking at weird things that I never could have imagined enjoying - and even afterwards I wonder why on EARTH I wanted to look at that - so I made a decision to resume journaling and finally kick this habit for good.  I've already wasted too much of my life, lost an engagement to the love of my life and failed to achieve any of the things I know I'm capable of.  This has to end now.

It's a little more difficult for me because I have Asperger's and social phobia - neither of which were caused by P use - and I have really no friends or family to support me.  It's very hard to give up your crutches when there's nothing healthy to take their place.  But still I'm hopeful that this time I will find a way, somehow!

Day 1:
Nothing much to report.  This day is usually fairly easy.  Had some mild temptation to look at P when I got home but made sure the computer was locked before I got there.  No big deal.

Day 2:
A little bit more difficult.  Looking at the girls at work a lot.  The girl that sits next to me keeps doing things that I find alluring.  Thoughts crossed my mind about looking at P when I get home, although currently they are under control.  Ugh.  I used to be able to go at least a week after a fall without any real temptation; very clear this problem has gotten worse.

Day 3:
Already feeling increased sexual energy.  It's a good feeling as well as being extremely frustrating.  Can't believe it's come back this quickly - it seems the more addicted you become, the faster it comes back.  Still feeling extremely tired and fatigued every day, mainly due to poor sleep, so not in any mood to be radiating sexual energy anywhere.  Feeling a tiny bit depressed and unenthusiastic.  Funnily enough, desire to look at real women has increased today but desire to look at P has diminished.  Seems like a good sign, but one thing often leads to another so I must be more careful with my eyes.

Day 4
Was very difficult last night.  Can't believe I'm getting this tempted so early on. Resisted with some tremendous difficulty and just went to bed.  While in bed images kept swimming through my head. Read some stories from YBOP to remind me of why I'm doing this.  So far today things are a lot easier.

Really proud of you jumping back into the fight and joining the conversation man. YBOP is a great resource, don't be too discouraged the first few days are hard, the often can be.  Keep fighting!

Thanks a lot for the encouragement.

Day 5

Seems to be less inclination to look at girls when I'm out and about.  I used to be a flesh-seeking radar.  This is unusual for so early into things, but constantly reading about rebooting benefits seems to be helping a great deal - as though it's sinking in subconsciously, instead of just being a nice idea that my horny subconscious wars against.  I've been reading YBOP rebooting stories for a minimum of 30 minutes each day - definitely seems to be a helpful habit.  Of course, doesn't mean the urges won't come back twice as strong in a few days' time or a week's time or 5 minutes' time.

A few unhelpful thoughts crossed my mind which I indulged a little bit, though they were sexualised concepts rather than images or explicit fantasies.

Definitely feeling a little more positive, and feeling a bit of affection for people which is new.  And more attraction to real women rather than just the plastic bints on porn sites.

I guess I had to let my addiction become a lot worse before I actually noticed the benefits of rebooting consciously!  That definitely helps to retain my motivation.

Day 6

Uhhh, horrible.  Horrible.  On Saturday night I accidentally stumbled upon a photo of my ex-fiancee with her new fiancee, which was about as painful as you'd expect it to be.  It's been 2 years now and I still feel like I've had my heart ripped out and trampled upon and still isn't getting any better.  Seems to be getting worse if anything.  The only positive is that I felt no inclination to look at porn as the result of these feelings.  If anything it strengthened my resolve because I know that porn was a huge reason why I lost her in the first place.  I did, unfortunately, resort to alcohol to deal with the depression though.  On Saturday night and then on Sunday afternoon/night.  Sundays are always incredibly difficult for me.  I just find myself sitting around the house being fidgety, wishing I could sit down and concentrate (or go out with friends/family if I had any; pity I don't).  This is obviously fertile ground for porn temptations.

Instead of rushing off to look at some stuff I just lay down and went to sleep for a while.  But this also has its own dangers because I have a tendency when lying down to fantasize about cuddling with a girl.  Just cuddling, but of course this puts me in a frame of mind where I'm more likely to give into other fantasies or urges.

The severe depression is getting to me now.  I can hear the little voice of porn popping up saying "you know what will make you feel better?"  And I've already got a few ideas in my head for search terms that I'd like to look up.  It's only a weak little voice at the moment but I must kill it before it gets any stronger.  Must keep busy and also do more reading on the benefits of rebooting... Can't afford to let those out of my mind.

Man, I just wish this nightmare would end.  Perhaps it would actually be good for me to find out that they were actually married.  It would kill me for a period, but at least then I could finally surrender and start the process of finally getting over her.

Hey

I just thought I'd check in to say that I've read your journal and very much feel your pain! I'm in the early stages of a reboot and feeling quite down / depressed. However, I read something this morning by chance that gave me a bit of hope: "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". You may feel like you're a long way from where you want to be (I certain feel like that!) but you're walking in the right direction. Keep going.

Broccolini, congrats on making the decision to rid your life of this trash. It?s a bold decision, and the right decision. You are doing the right thing for yourself long term, imagine a life without all the guilt and shame that comes with being a porn addict. It?s possible, it?s amazing, but it?s really friggin hard to get there.

I?ve been around this board for a long time, and it seems like a lot of guys can get to the 40-50 day point, but as you?ve found, for some reason that time period is really hard and a lot of guys fall off. So you now start this journey armed with that knowledge, and a month and half to find some ways to occupy your time so you don?t fall off again. Because I promise you it won?t be easier this time, you have to be smarter and more committed this time, and you can do it!

Take heart, stick to the convictions that set you on this road in the first place, and pray for God?s grace to help you when you?re at your weakest.

Good luck.

Thanks for your encouragement everyone.

Day 7:
Wow, even 7 day seems like an incredible milestone to me these days.  I?m actually surprised by how easily it came - I think constantly reading rebooting benefits for 30 minutes a day is helping so much with my motivation.  You have to keep that carrot-on-a-stick always in front of your eyes so you don?t forget why you?re doing this.  It also helps make you excited about the future and the changes you can expect.  If the benefits are just some vague, future hypothetical, that?s not enough to keep you strong in hard times.  You?ll just think ?none of these things will ever happen for me? etc. And give right in.

Anyway, that?s not to say it won?t get harder from here but I?m ready for it.

Other than not being able to stop thinking about the girl that ruined my life, things are ok.  It hurts like hell every time I think of her but the depression has lifted today. 

I had my first session of Neuroptimal neurofeedback last night.  It is reputed to have very powerful, some say even miraculous effects with people who can?t sleep/can?t concentrate/are addicted etc. I noticed my brain seemed a lot slower and calmer after the first session - I still think it is a bit slower now, rather than being hyperactive and agitated all the time.  Very excited to see what continues to happen from that.  Feeling a bit of sexual energy in my chest today - feels like the beginnings of gaining some enthusiasm for life.  Can barely remember what that even feels like.  We?ll see what comes of that.  Still not tempted to look at porn but I?m checking out the girls at work a lot, unfortunately.  That?s not a good idea because it inevitably raises my sexual energy levels which ultimately increases temptation.  But actually for most of the day I?ve just wanted to give them a hug rather than anything else.  I guess that?s the result of the loneliness and jealousy regarding my ex; I just need to be cuddled and loved at the moment. Pity there's no-one to give me that.

Day 8

Dreamt about my ex last night.   We were on holiday somewhere and she told me "OK, since you're taking me back, I should let you know that I'm in $1.5 million debt."  Then we went to a cafe and she was ordering everything off the menu and made some comment like "whoops! I guess you see now how I got into all this debt."  No idea what that's all about.

TWO YEARS and I still feel like she dumped me yesterday.  I can still remember exactly what it was like being with her and it still kills me every day that she's not here, and doubly that she's engaged to someone else.  Still keep getting stupid ideas in my head of charging into the wedding on a white horse etc.  The whole thing makes me so sad.

Despite all that, still not much temptation to look at porn.  A couple of fetishes and search terms came into my head which made me think "DAMMMN why didn't I look up more of that stuff while I had the chance?"  But overall my desire is overwhelmingly for real women and for intimate affection/cuddling more than sex right now.  There is a girl at work that is reasonably plain, nobody I've ever noticed before, yet this week I've been checking her out and talking to her a little bit.  Right now she's much much more attractive than any porn star.

Day 8- that's good going

I think maybe it's good to accept and be in tune with the feelings of hurt regarding your ex. Better to acknowledge than to block out. It's good though that you're making positive steps to move forward. Regardless of whether anything romantic happens, talking to real people is good for the soul, and talking to this girl at work is a good step. Take it slowly, guard your heart and begin to live life again

Thanks PE30. Definitely nothing romantic will happen with any of these girls; it's very very hard to find someone with the same values and interests who's compatible with me and attractive.  Only ever met one, and then she ran off with someone else.  Oh well!  It is still good to talk to people anyway, better than being totally isolated.

Day 9
Again, a mixture of major highs and lows.

LOWS:
So just as I've been thinking about her, dreaming about her and generally obsessing about her and generally being tormented by jealousy, broken dreams, heartache etc.  The guy who stole her from me actually tried to make contact with me yesterday.  Can you believe that?  Who does that?! He's not a malicious person so I took it as some sort of olive branch but seriously, who would think that was a good idea? Especially considering his profile pic which shows both of them together. "Hey, let's extend an olive branch to the broken-hearted sap whose life I ruined, by sending him a message while I've got a profile pic showing the wonderful dream I stole from him."  Are people completely insane?  Anyway, BLOCKED.  Phone numbers changed.  Email addresses will have to change too. Sometimes this feels like a big conspiracy to torment and humiliate me as much as possible.  Maybe that's exactly what it is - I feel like King David right at the end, paying for all his sins with the most heartbreaking humiliation possible.  How do people ever get over something like this before they find someone else?  Will I ever find someone else or will I just die lonely and this will forever be the greatest regret and heartbreak of my life?

HIGHS:
Amongst all the pain, I'm sensing a burgeoning sense of optimism that I haven't felt before.  It's hidden there somewhere behind all the suffering.  Also feeling very loving towards the girls at work.  There have been times where I've been aching to give them a hug.  It's frustrating as hell but also feels kind of good.  Most of the energy is in my chest at the moment; I feel a bit of sexual frustration towards them as well but nothing like in the past, and again it's a good kind of frustration.
Have been watching some funny videos to get some laughter into my life.  I need to find a good balance though otherwise I can see myself getting lazy and addicted to these videos and filling my head with too much nonsense.

Bonus high:
I held the door open for the really pretty cleaner at work and gave her a smile.  She smiled back at me with a little giggle, as though she enjoyed my attention.  I have not had that happen in ........
..........
..........
I got nothin'!

It was just a tiny thing but given I'm used to being completely and utterly ignored by all of female-kind IRL (and then being worshipped by them online where confidence is not an issue) it was pretty amazing but really reassuring to know that not all women are complete stuck-up snobs or man-haters or "out of my league", and that plenty of them would actually enjoy getting attention from me.  An eye-opening thought!

You're doing well. Keep it up! You know, I went years and years believing lies about myself in terms of what women thought of me. And frankly, a lot of it led to my addiction - a desire to prove myself, in spite of the fact that I have a lovely, kind, beautiful wife who loves me dearly.

I guess I just wanted to say to you that you don't need to fight to prove yourself! You seem like a really likeable guy, if possibly a little shy.

Remember to keep making those deliberate choices to stay positive. You mention King David: if you look at a lot of his psalms, he lets off steam about his circumstances but he comes round to praising God - crucially, he *chooses* to praise God. Keep making the choice to be positive, to praise.

Thanks PE30.  Yes I am very likeable.  In fact, that's part of the problem - I'm too likeable and not enough courage and conviction.  But yeah, I know I have things to offer girls because pretty much every single girl I've ever been interested in online has fallen for me - just a pity in the real world they either ignore me or take heaps of money from me then dump me and run off with my friend.

Thanks very much for your encouragement though, I appreciate it.  Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit negative today.

Day 10
Had my second Neuroptimal session.  Felt in a really good mood afterwards - it actually felt like something resembling .... happiness?  I wouldn't know as I don't think I've ever experienced happiness before, but it certainly felt good.  Lasted for about 90 minutes afterwards.  Also woke up this morning feeling the same way, and feeling like I wanted to hug every woman I saw and tell her she was beautiful.  Then it wore off again.  Still can't stop thinking about "them" and especially about that profile picture.  I only saw the briefest flash of it but even just in that flash it looked like they were laughing it up, without a care in the world, deeply in love on some tropical island drinking exotic cocktails, with her laughing about having dodged a massive bullet when she dumped the porn-addict in favour of the wealthy casanova.  Obviously a bit of imagination there but it did feel like he was rubbing it in my face bigtime.  Why else would you send someone a message with your profile picture set as you gallivanting around with his ex-fiancee? 

Would really love to get drunk tonight.  But I won't.

The only positive thing I have to report at the moment: I still have NO urge to look at porn.  And while I am still checking out the girls at work a lot and my eyes seem to be constantly open for fetish things, my drive there is at least under control, unlike in the past. 

I'm really amazed by how dramatic the changes and emotions have been this time around.  Rebooting has never been like this before.  I think the big shift this time seems to be the degree of seriousness with which I'm taking this.  Last time it was more like "eh let's try this garbage again, even though I know I'm just going to fail... Let's get as close as we can to the fire and try and not get burnt for 90 days."  This time I'm motivated - I'm constantly thinking about the benefits and even seeing some already.  But wow, it's not without its emotional turbulence.

On a side note, I never realised just how much I LOVE girls. DAMMMMN!

The guy sounds pretty insecure tbh. Just remember that everyone looks like they're having the time of their lives on their Facebook page. You get to look in on everyone else's highlight reels whilst all you can think about is your own mistakes. In any case, you are better off without someone who's going to take your money and run off with your friend. You can do better than that.

I know what you mean about emotional turbulence. Yesterday was my best so far but I still cried a couple of times and had a couple of moments where the guilt and fear bubbled up to the surface.

Keep going! And I think it's a good idea to keep the alcohol consumption to a minimum if that's going to lead you into temptation.

Thanks PE30 - yes, he is insecure, and also a big man-child.  That's one of the reasons I can't believe she'd prefer him to me.  Still, I know what it's like to be with her and seeing him steal my happiness is about one of the worst feelings I can imagine. Friday/Saturday were very bad for that; fortunately I'm feeling a little bit better now.

Despite everything, she's a very good woman and would have made a great wife if she was just willing to work on a few of her own emotional issues.  I'll never find another one like her.

Hope you're feeling better too.

Day 12 & 13
(Missed a day somewhere, I was actually a day behind in the count)

Woke up in the middle of the night with the leaning tower of Pisa in my pants, which was a good sign I guess.  It wasn?t quite Taipei 101 yet but it?s something that doesn?t happen very often so I?ll take it.  However, it did spell the beginning of a difficult couple of days.  On Saturday morning I went out early to get a haircut at the barber but there was no room for me to sit down because a little boy was spread out on the couch and his Father was completely happy to allow him to do so.  This sent me into a fit of internal rage which required me to walk around the block several times to calm down.  This is quite typical of me.  The tiniest thing can set me off and turn a simple outing into an ordeal.  Even when nothing actually happens I?ll still find a way to make things difficult.  Hope this improves with rebooting.

Spent most of the rest of the day out and about doing various things and was fairly calm but because it was a warmish day there were lots of girls out showing things they shouldn?t be showing and showing/doing things that appealed to my fetishes.  Unfortunately I was right back to my old self - noticing everything and feeling sometimes like I wanted to smash my head repeatedly against something hollow and resonant.

Again, would have loved to have gotten drunk this night.  But I didn?t. It doesn't lead me into temptation but it is a mild dependency, and I'm determined to be rid of ALL of those.

Today was Sunday so I faced the same issue as usual: extreme restlessness and loneliness on Sunday afternoon.  Decided to get out of the house and go to a cafe to do some work.  Took me about 50 minutes of just walking around town to be able to actually calm down, decide what I wanted to do etc.  Was agitated due to that being my default state on Sunday afternoon, as well as being surrounded by ladies showing things they shouldn?t be showing.  Definitely need to work on controlling my eyes - this is a big problem.

Got home and lay down for a bit ... was severely tempted to self-stimulate (not actually tempted to M itself... There?s another thing I used to do which didn?t involve physical contact, but guess it?s almost as bad as M even though psychologically it doesn?t quite feel like the same degree of fall - anyway no further details on that.)  A few porn images were racing through my head and I guess I indulged them a bit, though not exactly in full vividness & consciousness.  Luckily I resisted the self stimulation as that would have ended in O.

Still had no temptation to look at P despite all this!  Normally the cycle is; I see a girl IRL showing something she shouldn?t be showing, I look for as long as possible, I go off and google something close to what I saw to relieve the frustration, it doesn?t relieve the frustration and I end up looking at 100 other things etc. etc.  But this time the thought of looking up some fake alternative had no appeal.  I want a real woman, dammit, not some fake 2D bimbo.  OK some of the porn flashbacks still tormented me but the urge to stay clean was far greater.  And I guess it?s interesting that the images that came into my head were first person images that resembled what it would actually be like with a real woman - nothing else appeals to me anymore.
Still, there is a word for what I?m feeling at the moment.  And that word is GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Day 14

Two weeks already.  Well done me.

I came to the realization over the weekend that this is only going to work if I am free from all addictions, not just PMO.  I really think the reason so many guys don't notice the superpowers after rebooting is probably (at least for many of them) because they're still indulging other addictions.  PMO is probably the most destructive but if you're addicted to anything unhealthy it's going to create  at least some of the same symptoms.  So for me, I need to be rid of my food addiction and only eat healthy.  All the time.  Maybe I'll get to the stage where I can eat junk once a fortnight or something but for the moment, food is such an addiction that I need to be rid of it entirely.  So today I started eating a 95% organic/paleo diet.  Surprisingly my detox symptoms were not as bad as in the past, even though I felt pretty spaced out at times (I do normally anyway).  Overall I actually had more energy... Felt energy going through my body like there were fewer blockages or something.  Did some singing practice at night and noticed that even after one day my voice was at least 30% better.  Superpowers beginning, maybe?

I also need to continue to abstain from alcohol.  It's not an addiction, because I am in control of it.  It does not control me and never has.  But nevertheless, it is a mild dependency.  There are times when I use it to deal with stress, etc.  So that has to go as well.  *Stands on table and points at sky* I will be rid of all unhealthy dependencies, as God is my witness!

*Table collapses*
.....
.....
Ow.

Hey

Just to say that I really relate to what you say about losing all of the other addictions. For me, I've previously thrown myself into various things during a reboot: online forums, online scrabble, excessive use of Facebook... you can see a pattern emerging here!

I guess it's natural that we're going to want to replace our dopamine source some way or another. But maybe we need to renew our minds to adjust to a new level of satisfaction, rather than craving the next high.

I'm really glad to see you're still doing well. You're three days ahead of me on your reboot journey so I'm willing you on to keep going!