So far, so good, so what?

H

harpoon

Respected Member
I'm on day 7 of my latest reboot attempt. The last few months have been a blur, i've either been using or waiting to use.

I went for a walk yesterday, and I thought to myself "this is an internal fight, nobody knows what i'm going through." It's tough pretending to be happy while inside your world has fallen apart and your trying to rebuild.

When I returned to porn, honestly, until it spiralled out of control it felt great and I couldn't reasoned with myself that it was not going to last and I would hit rock bottom. Eventually I became very depersonalised (it hit me like a tonne of bricks) and the only thing that would bring me back for a little while was edging and pmo.

As always, my journey back began with the return of intrusive thoughts, anxiety and the odd random thought of wishing I was dead.

So I go again.

Harpoon ~?

 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Welcome back Harpoon. Good to hear from you and it's also nice to know you are a week clean.

Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom a few times in order to fully escape forever. Been where you have been man many a time.

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
There were a few positives today:
- The chaser effect seems to have subsided
- I had bundles of energy 

The negatives (a few of the highlights):
- very up and down: I broke down and cried at one point (it needed to happen to be honest, I felt better for it later)
- I felt really awkward and anxious trying to interact with ppl I know
- very depersonalised, it all seems surreal at times
- and my penis is the size of a timble

That's the reality. It's not nice, but I know that all these issues will improve with time.

So my goals "as usual" are 7, 10, 14, 21 and 30-days.

Next stop 10

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I had a dream last night, I rarely dream and when I do dream I am nearly always rebooting. It was great to get a good night's sleep.

With regards porn and porns subs it's a case of grin and bear atm, but it's going well and it's ok (i've been here before I know what to expect.)

  I could easily live without porn if I allowed myself to indulge in copious amounts of porn substitutes, in fact I just might prefer the substitutes.

^just my view on porn substitutes.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Honestly here's where my mind is today ~

I went and did a local parkrun (it's free 5km community run) and there's a girl there whom is just delicious. Anyway it seems that finding someone attractive is enough to send my urges flying, I guess that's why this addiction is so tough to beat.

But on the plus i'm way more sociable and i feel alright.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So i'm here in the house on my own and all i'm trying not to think about is porn.

I ask myself this  question: what is it that I want? because if it's porn i'm just one click away. Why endure all this pain if I just what porn.

What I want is my freedom, and my life back.

 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
That is so true, and such an encouragement.  I'm here too, b/c I'm alone at the moment and want to go down roads I shouldn't.  Great reminder!
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I think that this has been my toughest day ever rebooting, I can't remember a day like this and cant imagine that it could be much worse.

Perhaps just another day on the board, but this feels like an important victory to me.

Looking forward to two-weeks
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I did a local 5km earlier.  I got chatting with a cute woman and I really enjoyed talking with her. She had a nice smile and she seemed really interesting.

What I have noticed is that when i'm using porn I don't see these things, I can't sense a persons mood or pick up on their signals.

I'm truly sorry that I chose to travel so far down this path. For me, right now,  I have to acknowledge this, it helps in moving forward.

Cheers






 
F

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi Harpoon,

First time our paths have crossed online.

Glad to hear you are back on the wagon.

I've also been running 5ks - Park Runs keep me motivated to avoid some of the negative things in my life and embrace some of the positive ones. I agree, my sensitivity to others is far greater now I'm porn free. All I have to do is help a nice girl to be more sensitive to me!

I think the guys who simply focus on getting an erection are missing the point - this seeps into so many areas of my life.

Good luck with your reboot.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Bundles of energy today. I've been keeping myself very busy. Honestly right now it's not so bad, it's more unnerving that anything else.

But i've been here before and I know the score, but still I feel some optimism creeping back into my life
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I no low dopamine is responsible for this but it's still soul shattering to feel basically nothing.

I'm not gonna whinge about it, it's just bollocks atm.

I'm closing in on two-weeks rebooting (99.4% complete atm) so let's keep this run going.

To use the words of a little green Jedi ~ "Do or do not, there is no try."
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
When I was doing well on a previous reboot I was asked if I ever when through a period of being unsociable? Well I knew I had but I couldn't really remember. I'm going through it now, in fact it's more than unsociable I don't even want to leave my house to buy food as my stress and anxiety has hit the roof. I have tremors in my hands and I haven't felt this in years.

Fake it, til you make. I can't.  I can't pretend i'm happy when i'm not. I can't put the effort into small talk right now.

Let's see if I can go to the shop without fainting
 
F

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Harpoon, everyone will have their own way of dealing with their porn use. For some, it's the biggest battle of their lives. For others, it's just about being able to perform between the sheets. For me, it's the most significant change I've made in my adult life.

What I'd also suggest, for what it's worth,  is to stretch your sobriety horizon. 2 weeks is great, but there is a lot of temptation to relapse once a target has been hit. Having short range targets means you have more of those moments.

I'm not trying to be a nag, it's just my experience of the process.

All the best in your reboot.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Thanks for advice Firstbigstep, I appreciate it ;) my target is really 30-days and hopefully most of the withdrawals symptoms will be gone at that stage and i'll be able to focus on long term goals, right now i'm just trying to hold this together tbh. It's not even cravings that are the problem, it's the withdrawals that could send one back just for some relief.

  Honestly I have not looked at any sexual stimulating material in at least 11-days. Nada. I have never committed this much and it's reflected in the withdrawals symptoms, but I wanted the quickest possible route back and hardmode is the way for me.

Onwards and upwards






 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top