Age 30, 200 days no porn, rebooting with partner, ups and downs

Hi,

I quit porn for the 2nd (and last) time on January 28th 2016.

Been viewing since early teens constantly. No real relationship due to body image problems, only failed sexual negative encounters.

I got a girlfriend a month later and explained it all.

I never craved porn when I quit, went through a flat line and couldn't O for weeks. I eventually O from partners hand job 2 months in.

After 4/5 months I knew I no longer was hooked on porn, or needed it as I did as few "practice" M's to test for strength (no O).

I'm 6 months gone and I've had a lot of sex with my partner, some really good, some not so.

I think I'm battling PA... But not really sure as I'm comfortable with my partner and we've been together a while.

Sex is best when I'm feeling love and affection, but the strength of my erection is still on my mind which distracts me from the moment (and lessens it's hardness).

I went through a good run of being in different positions around the 3 month mark, but now I'm a bit dependent on my GF going on top once I'm hard enough through mutual M (I don't want this, I'd like to be hard just at the thought of sex with her and light touching). I managed to go on top the other day which was nice, but then the next day I completely lost my arousal/boner.

It's so inconsistent and frustrating.

I don't know whether PIED is still controlling me, or whether I'm cured but have too much anxiety about performing now!

What I have noticed is that when sex is anyway planned... I can forget it. Also, if my GF suggests dressing in sexy lingerie then I struggle too... I'm best when the sex is flowing and loving and affectionate.

My questions are, to anyone who's rebooted over a long period with a partner are:

1. Did you have confusion over the PIED and PA crossover and how did you overcome it?

2. Did sexy talk/sexy 'porn-esque' clothing set you back? I don't want to ask my girlfriend to be less dirty.

3. Were you able to get hard without mutual M and how long did that take?

4. Am I confused over what sex is still? Should I eventually be able to be turned on when my GF objectifies herself...? I am, but it lasts only for a short time... Then I lose it. Am I losing it because I'm seeing her as porn? Or because I'm anxious?

Thanks for your help all.

More details on me here:
Piedrecovery.com

He man, I just got a girl I am seeing for a month now and had sex two times.

First time was our second date and completely unexpected. It was great. The second time was our fourth date and was more less planned. I failed miserably. To answer your question, I think it is both.. You probably have lost some confidence so it is pretty normal that, when you now know when you have to perform, you start to worry about it. It's great you told her about your struggle so she will understand. Just take your time. And if you don't feel it, just let it go.

About the objectiviation and dirty talk, I understand your problem. You are kind of trying to get away from that practises. At the same time you are not having sex on your own and it can be quite hot. I have the same thing happening and I am not sure about the answer. I think it is just about finding a way that works for both people.. not too much so it is still comfortable for you, but just enough to spice things up a bit.

I also have a question for you. I had sex last week. It failed and worked, and it failed and worked. Eventually I was just long enough with an erection to have an O. That same thing happened in the morning. That weekend I had two O's. After about 2 days I felt sick, anxiety, flu like symptoms. Completely drained. I have had that before. Do you also experience that?

BTW I am 8 months in. I did over 6 months of hardmode

Really appreciate your reply mate. Thanks.

To your question... I'm not sure about the flu symptoms but I find after a lot of consecutive sex over a few days I felt libidoless for a few days, and also very anxious about having sex again. Possibly a temporary flat line.

One more thing Davenl. Do you have any memory over what you did differently when your sex attempt 'worked' and what you did when it 'didn't work'? What thoughts were going through your mind in the lead up for example?

Well since the 6 months of hardmode I only had sex 3 times. Two of them were on second dates with two different girls. I am not a hero in reading girl's intentions so it was completely unexpected to have sex with them. But it was pretty good both times, not paradise, but anything worked properly.

The third time with one of these girls about a week ago and we planned to be together for our fourth date. That's when I failed. Not sure if it has anything to do with planning or thinking about it. But it didn't work quite well. Although during some attemps I could get hard and have an O. Something I really shouldn't have done.. I feel terrible for more than a week already.

Well I am not happy that my erections are not what they should be, but I am actually ok with it. She is really relaxed about it and I just know I cannot do anything to make it better. Nature is nature. You don't control that.

My real started after I had an orgasm. About 24 hours later. I start feeling depressed, less energy and brainfog. Than I cannot come out of bed, feeling like I have flu. Getting sweaty, cold warm feelings and after that I suddenly had two cold sores. I feel like my whole immume system was destroyed. And I had this before, when I started the reboot. This is what I feel bad about the most because it is affecting my life so much. I had to stay home from work, calling in sick and now it takes at least 10 days until my face looks not like an alien anymore. So I canceled all the appointments I had. Now, 8 days later, I still feel extreme anxiety attacks, massive heartbeat and restless. The only think I have been doing basically is laying on the couch and recovering.

Sex is supposed to be nice right. If it's like this it's the most cruel thing that exists... So that's what I meant

Good morning man and I am in the exact same boat as you.

I quit PMO on February 12th of this year after using it a lot since I was probably 15-16.

I went hardmode for 5 months then had sex with my wife twice. The first time I was a little anxious, but overcame it. However I only lasted like 30 seconds. The second time I felt far less anxious and we had sex for probably about 3-5 minutes. I felt really good after that orgasm.

Then a week later we tried again and I right as I was about to enter her I lost my erection. Then got it back, then went to enter and lost it. This happend a few times. I was pretty drunk this time, but it really messed with my head.

Last night tried to have sex with my wife again and the same shit happened. Then I basically prematurely ejaculated. That has never happened to me.

We waited about 20 minutes and tried again. I'm at the point where I can get hard when I'm master bating / she's using her hands or her mouth on me, but when I go to enter, I lose it. And my heart gets tight and I feel very anxious. I have to figure this is Performance Anxiety.

But just as you said, I'm confused too if this is from PIED or PA. Can't tell. It's been 6 months since I've PMOed, but is that enough time? I really don't know what to do or how to tell.

I don't get the nasty hangovers post orgasm like I did when my wife and I had sex early on in my reboot. (We had sex once 28 days in. It was actually great. I was super hard and not nervous and lasted nice and long. But went through nasty withdrawl symptoms the week after. That was when I realized I needed hardmode.)

Long story short I'm in the exact same boat as you. Same time frame, rebooting with a partner, and not sure how to proceed forward from where I am.

I will admit though that I found a Canadian online pharmacy this morning and ordered some cialis. I just can't take this anymore.

I'm not sure if i'll use it, I have in the past, but somehow waned myself off it and was fine without it (which only adds to my confusion) but if this keeps up I'm going to start taking it again. Maybe this time when I wane myself off it I'll be okay b/c I won't be watching porn at the same time.

Last thing I'll add, I get very tight in my chest / heart when I start thinking about intercourse with my wife. Oddly not oral or hand stuff, but intercourse. I think that has to be a sign of anxiety right? Which would match me getting very tight and anxious when going to enter my wife.

Anyway, confusion confusion confusion. Plus frustration frustration frustration... ugh.

Well I would say: please her! Even if your dick isnt working there are many thing you can do for her and it might be good for your rewiring aswel. My girl actually prefers other techniques ;-)

That will make you feel better. Like you have actually satisfied her.

ZM... That's really relieving to hear. We are in same boat so I'll keep an eye out for you.

Just so you know. I've tried Viagra and Cialis, and have lots left too... I stopped taking them as it was either just masking the problem... Or didn't work at all.

I focused more on my penis hardness whilst on Cialis, and it felt kind of painful. When it 'was' working I kind of felt that i was still disconnected... Like, my penis was having sex but I wasn't. I'm tempted to try it again but really wanna sharpen my own sword first.

I'm glad that you're going down the "sexual anxiety" reasoning too, as I do mostly think it is that, but like you say... How can we really know? On my own, I can get hard at the thought of my GF, like REALLY hard... So I hope that's evidence that I'm over the porn, but now it's like a totally different battle of self belief, lack of sexual confidence and rediscovering what sex is to me.

I'd like to hear about times when it works for you and when it doesn't. What usually works better for me is really relaxing and focusing on the love to my partner. But it doesn't always naturally work out for me. If I think about actual sex and expectations, my fight or flight mode kicks in and I shut down sexually. It's a nightmare.

Good luck.

Davenl, I do please her in other ways too. She loves me going down on her and using my hands, but she says she can only O from being on top. She does O really easy when on top fortunately, but yea I have to throw that position in there at some point... My anxiety is pretty much holding me back from letting go and trying other positions... I've only just managed to go on top recently as I'd convinced my self I literally couldn't do it (even though I'd done it loads previously)...

I'm confused about what I should be thinking. I want to be selfish and take control, but when I try with that mindset it's game over. My head is so delicate about the whole thing I'm surprised my GF is putting up with the constant inconsistency and me babbling on about reasons for failing etc.

Mmm yes I hear you mate. And I understand what you are saying. I do recall these with girls too. I think you should not put too much pressure on yourself. If you think like this, you won't even have a chance to make it happen. You just need more time. Try to stay in the moment. Besides that , why not taking a break for 3 weeks or so of having O's? It might be that you are in a flatline (not a bad one like me) that is causing the ED right now and if you get some rest it will be working again. What do you think?

Yea, it's a good shout Davenl, I'm kind of hoping work will send me away to work for a little while... But then I think, why am I thinking that? I know I can get hard without any visual simulation, and just looking at my gf in clothes or kissing her sends my dick going up, but then I get her naked and I'm just observing myself and how I'm doing. Whilst I know that's got to be PA, I think if I'm a week or two without O the desire for sex may take over any PA... We're going to try naked non sex sexy time tonight... To take the pressure off, but we'll see.

Exactly! Just give it time. And she knows about it right? If you need to make that decision than it is what it is right? She wants you to be healthy too.

That's a great idea actually. Let me know how things went.

Ugh, didn't go well. We were just watching TV in bed and I was really turned on... Just from kissing her and smelling her. I touched her down below and was really excited, told her I needed to kiss her p##### which of course, she wanted. I was really turned on for about 2 minutes down there, then something happened in my head, like a switch. I lost focus and arousal... I don't know if it's because I started thinking about performing... Or if my brain was saying "need something else now" (porn style). Either way it ruined the evening in terms of sex. Totally gutted last night and today... It's killing me. I know a break would help, but when my instinct takes over and wants to touch her, i can't fight it as it feels the natural thing to do... But then the unnatural takes over and I regret it.

Mate, it sounds great! She does turn you on! You mind just needs to get used to it. This is what you see everywhere. Guys that are totally into P, especially harder styles, will need more time to get arroussed by vanilla with a real partner. And from what I can hear, is that she actually does turn you on, but than your mind wants more and you lose interest.

What I understand from all of this rewiring is that this is completely normal. This actually is what I had a week ago. Arroussal, kissing, touching, everything gone... Than I'd relax and the arrousal would come up again, starting over and losing it again.

Other than you, I am not very worried about it. I assume this is part of the process and things everybody experiences. Just focus on her and don't overdo it. You are not in a competition where you have to compete. You are doing it for fun and if it's not fun, just do something else!

Cheers man, that's reassuring. Hope all going well with you.

Last night, had been about 5 days with no orgasm, and the other night I had spontaneous erections all through the night, so I knew my balls were ready to blow. But that doesn't necessarily help me when I get overcome by P/A.

Anyway, long story short, I had a bit of a breakdown about the whole thing with my GF, and pathetically got very teary and emotional about the whole thing. It was embarrassing, but long over due. Just talking about it set butterflies off in my stomach, and tied me in knots.

The conversation went something along the lines of that, I felt she wasn't enthusiastic about helping me fix the problem, but she said she is but doesn't think talking about it all the time is going to be helpful, she doesn't want to draw attention to it... She says she's not as desperate for me to fix the issue, she can wait... I've been taking her silence about it like I'm working on this by myself, which had added a lot of pressure on me.

Anyway, after all this was cleared up I miraculously got rock hard and we had some really nice, sex. I felt totally turned on by everything I touched and kissed, and didn't feel the need to doubt my erection once.

Maybe clearing the air was all I needed to do? Unlikely, I've had some MW so I've not sunk into a flat line just yet, but I know from experience that overdoing the sex too soon can set me back a bit. So I'll tread carefully.

One thing we agreed to do which to me now makes sense... Is to not force sex. If I'm not in the mood, it's OK. If I lose interest half way through, I should stop, rather than fight it!

Seems obvious, but it's taken the pressure off me discussing it.

Had good sex the other day. Really hard and controlled. Really not feeling like saying I'm cured yet, as last time I dropped in to a pit of P/A and flat line after a few good sessions. I feel like I'm making good progress through. I'm finding that not forcing anything, accepting that sex doesn't have to happen, and being open with my girl is really helping. For now...

Hey man,I just caught up on your whole thread and it sounds like you're doing great. I didn't notice if you mentioned frequency of your sex, but also keep in mind that you could just be getting tired (which feeds anxiety, etc) from getting action all the time.

One thing that porn does for many men is give use false ideas of what is expected from us in bed. You don't have to rock her world or give her seven O's or anything like that. Just have fun. I once had a friend (a woman) say that she hates it when it feels like a guy is just using her vagina to jack off. So, don't do that! Also, since you seem to do better when cuddling, read up on karezza sex, which is slow, intimate sex without orgasm. I've also read somewhere that slow, gradual sex is better after a reboot anyway. Maybe this is why?

Anyway, it sounds like you have an awesome girlfriend. Stay away from porn and just enjoy each other. Intimacy doesn't stop when you get out of bed. Be good to her and she'll be good to you.

Much luck friend.

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Keepupthegoodwork, thanks so much for that response. Yea she's an amazing woman and so damn cool and sexy.

Thanks for the tip on Karezza, definitely looking that up right now!! One positive thing that this whole experience has given me is that now I'm finally discovering my natural mojo I'm determined to make up for lost time and (try) become a total expert in the bedroom.

Oh and porn is not an option ever, anymore.

Thanks mate.

Yeah 206 days! That's crazy. I'll get there... in 200 more days haha.