Through another Hell (Journal)

After a month reading journals on this forum I finally decided to share my story and experiences with you all. Be warned that English is not my first language so there will be mistakes. And this post is a little longer. I also tried to avoid any possible triggers, but be careful and warn me if you find any.

Let me introduce myself a bit

I'm 23 old guy and I've been addicted to porn for about 13 years now. I spent almost my entire life by playing computer games and later PMOing. Most of my life I was feeling pain, anger, hatred, jelaousy etc. I try to write more about it later. Because of all of that I don't have any idea what the love is. I can't relate anything to that. And I am still a virgin. In a most ways conserning the women. I never had any relationship with a girl. I was never kissed by a girl, never had a sex, or anything pleasant.

The first time I found out about P was when I found VHS tapes of my parents. I was 10 years old back then. Later I had a bedroom with computer and connection to Internet. Because of that my friend was visiting me often during weekends and we were playing games and from time to time we found a new P site. But I was starting to watch P more and more. We also had an adult channels in TV and they weren't blocked. It's because my mom is open-minded in the topics of sex and she knew we would find another way eventually. I don't blame her because i share this opinion too that sex shouldn't be considered as something wrong anymore. In a way P helped me learn a lot of things about sex. But nobody knew back then about the consenqueces and what P causes to all of us.

When I was 17, things went straight to the Hell (my first, the 2nd is PMO). We moved to the another city and I had to leave all things I cared about. What I got in return was psychical domestic violence. And that was the tipping point, because games and P was a way to hide from the real world. Fornutaly things have changed after a year, otherwise I would end up in a mental institution. But still it has left a mark on me and even after all those years it hurts from time to time.

As the time went I was still PMO and it was slowly shifting to more extreme stuff. I had moments "What have I just M'd to?", but I was still looking for more. It came to the point when I started to question my sexual orientation. Not to mention I suffered from deep seft-hatred and I had a suicidal thoughs and blamed others, especially my mum.

Also I have to mention when I was looking for P I prefered stories rather than movies or videos. Probably because I could use my imagination rather than just watch the act itself. I was amazed what can writers and artists bring up and create with their stories.

Discovering my addiction
I found out I was porn addicted by an accident. When I was looking on 9gag I found a text about "Why you shouldn't M in the evening". That gag lead to "The Great Porn Experiment". When Gary Wilson was talking about symptoms and I saw myself in each and every one of them, I got answer on the question "What is wrong with me?". That day was the 10th November 2014.

From that day I tried to avoid P in order to heal myself, but I was naive. I thought I will beat it just like that. On my 1st attempt I held 16 days without PMO. But that number was going down and for a long time this was my record. For 4 months I managed to hold about 6-7 days before I relapsed. During all those attemps I gradually deleted all P on my HDD (250GB), started to work out (I don't like gyms that much) and I'm meditating every morning. I'm also visiting the local libraries and borrowing books from them. Even throught all this activity I relapsed a few times and it came to the point when I installed K9 web filter, which I was avoiding for a long time, probably because of fear. (and I recommend it. The fact there is something that will stop you from relapse, sometimes helps)

Things has generally started to improve, but I was still relapsing. I came back to YBOP after half a year, now with experiences, which I didn't have the first time I read all the advices. And I found out the reason why I was failing.

The reason
Answer for question is this quotation.
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates

In other words, I fighting with P rather than focusing on other things. I took the wrong approach. So with this new knowledge I started to focus on other things, mostly the things I mentioned before. But don't think I am completely healed. Right now it's my 32nd day since I last relapsed and found out what was wrong. So I told myself if I manage to stay 30 days without P I will register here and if I not I'll do it the day I relapse. I just hope my experiences with this addiction will help you.

Things that helped me

• 
  Making vision of my life - I wrote down on the paper what I want to accomplish in my life. This piece of paper is right above my monitor as a reminder why I don't want to be same as before. Do it yourself if you haven't done it yet, but I recommend you write down not only WHO you wanna be or WHAT you want to achieve, but also HOW you gonna get it (yes, it's from motivation videos like this, this and this) and set milestones. They will remind you that you are on the right path. I also found a good picture here: http://darebee.com/motivation/how-to-reach-goals.html
• 
  Doing small steps - this method is also known as Kaizen. I used it when I started to work out. It's good to set a small number like 5 squads for example and do it every day. If you manage to stay for 20-30 days, it will become a habit. After that you can increase the amount of squads or push-up or anything else. I used it even for setting the days without PMO. First it was 14 days, then it was 30, now it's 45...
• 
  Don't rely on filter - K9 is a good software, but it won't always protect you. Even now I still know many ways around it, but I don't want to use it. So if the urges come or my brain starts to reason with I step away from the computer or I visit http://emergency.nofap.com/. Helped me a few times.

As I was reading some journals here on RebootNation, very interesting for me was ntg's journal. But there are more succesful stories of people, who can inspire us. Also ntg's journal lead to THIS post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0 which I think is really helpful.

I try to help others on this forum and I hope you guys will help me as well. I managed to stay a month without P, but there's still a long way to go.

EDIT: I summed up all I know about recovery in the following post: www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9675

34th day

Well, today was a bit interresting in a way. I got a notification about one chapter in an erotic story I read. If it was chapter in any another story, I would pass it. But this was different, because I made a few suggestions to writer and that made this story a bit more personal. As I was reading that notification, my brain started to reason with me to go and read it. But I considered it and it would definitely end up badly for me. I wouldn't stop myself and then lost the whole month without PMO. After that I would be pissed at myself and it's not worth it at all.

37th day

?We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.?  -John Dryden

Just wanted to share a post I found today: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/

Some of you might find it useful I hope.

48th day

Time really flies these days. Last week was quite hectic for me, nothing worked as I planned, but in the end everything was fine. This morning I had an interview and I think I finally get a job. That would be welcoming change so I don't have to count every coin I have at this moment.

I wasn't updating my journal much, but I tried to read and give some advices to others. It quite a good feeling when I do that. I just hope that my advices helps. I know my English is not that good, but practice makes perfect, right?

52nd day

While I was replying to another post, giving my opinion on something, I realized a few things. When I registered here I thought that after half a year of fighting with porn addiction I already know a lot to help others. I assumed what helped me will automatically help others.

I wrote my journal about a moment, when I read quote ?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates which helped me understand what I did badly. I was too focuced on fighting to porn addiction. But I somehow expected this will do the same thing to others as it did to me. But there is more to it.

There are more things which helps me fight this addiction and they are reason why I managed to hold 52 days without relapse. And it's my dream, death and fear.

I mentioned when I moved to another city I lost everything. My friends, places I liked to go, school which I wanted to study. But I also lost myself. I stopped living I was just surviving from one day to another. I had problems to woke up, because I knew that it will be another shitty day. I did what was necessary to stay alive. I studied a field which I hated. I came "home" only to play games or watch porn, because it was a place where I could hide myself. I didn't care if I live or die, didn't care much about anything. I just had to survive one day after another. We got away from that, but this experience is still deeply in me and it hurts sometimes.

Dream
It took me some time to know myself better, to start think about what I want to do in my life, what my dream is. And I'm trying to reach it, not just to talk about it or imagine it what it will be like. It will take a lot of time and effort, it will take many falls, I will doubt it, but in the end it is something I really want to do. And that helped me to choose activities and habits, which helps me to achieve my dream.

Death
I read somewhere that most of the people on their deathbed regret things they didn't do rather than the things they did in their life. There should be a book about the most common things people regretted, but I wasn't looking for the name yet. When you realize you have limited time on Earth, that one day you are gonna die, you may finally stop wasting your time with meaningless things and you start to focus on the more important ones. I know I did.

I like this quote about death:
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man.... Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

Fear
Death has a lot to do with fear. Because many of us fears death. I can say for myself that I'm not afraid to die. Actually I'm looking forward to it. But what I DO fear is I will never know what is love or that I will get stuck in my life again.

And these three thing are probably what pushes me forward every day. They are the main reason I am trying to be better every single day.

Hi,
Good to see your progress already ...congratulations for that
I have to ask what hhabits have you picked and what's re your dreams and how are you working towards them...

I have no vision of myself for the future and no dreams...
There fore no activity actually interest me so.much...
But I also believe that bad habit has to be replaced by a good one or at least one should spend time in doing thing that make him happy...bit I Dont know any such thing for.me




How can i know about my dreams and what makesme happy...this has to be done in order to succedd

Hello Hablablos,

Can't believe I forgot to respond to your journal, sorry man.

It seems like you are into philosophy I like philosophy and your journal is very helpful for me thank you. I am looking forward to read more from you!

You are doing great man! Keep up the good work and stay strong You will never going to get stuck in your life ever again!

''As you think, so shall you become.'' Bruce Lee 

Concentrate on positive thoughts and throw away negative mind patterns.

Here is some information which helped me. I hope you like it

Be careful with thoughts and emotions. It starts at the emotional level I believe and with negative mind patterns, it could spread into your life. Stay positive if you can, I recommend meditation if you get stuck in a negative mind pattern.

I believe our thoughts and emotions are creating our reality. As far as I know, we are the creators of our own reality, but most of us have been brainwashed into believing we have no power at all. You create what you believe. If something bad does happen, it could have a reason. To make you stronger my friend, stronger than ever before.

''the greater the struggle, the bigger the triumph.'' a quote from the movie, the butterfly circus.

I really like your quote
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates

You wrote:  Fear
Death has a lot to do with fear. Because many of us fears death. I can say for myself that I'm not afraid to die. Actually I'm looking forward to it. But what I DO fear is I will never know what is love or that I will get stuck in my life again.

''the secret of attraction is loving yourself'' Lao Tzu.

To attract the right partner, one needs to learn to love himself first I think. Only when a person loves himself, I believe he can master the art of loving others and attract the right partner like a universal pull. When you love yourself, you take care of yourself and you radiate a frequencie much higher, this energy is the power we all have and will guide the right partner for you.

Do not worry either

''you want to know my secret? You see I don't mind what happens.'' Jidduu Krisnamurti

Hey Hablablos,

very inspiring what you are writing here man. This thing about finding your dream and living for your dream is so HUGE! In my opinion if you have a dream, all those little habbits one sometimes struggles so bad to keep up, go so much easier because you allign all that towards your dream, which gives you the inner strength, the inner motivation even during bad days. You always have something to look forward to, to hold on to. When you have nothing to live for, but just live for the moment, it is much harder to keep going - cause... there is nothing to live for/nothing to hold on to. There is no pleasure/joy in getting closer to your goal or achieving little goals you set yourself to reach your greater goals, so atleast you want to get some "pleasure" in PMOing... which in the end just drags you further and further away from yourself/the knowledge on what you really want in life because you become so desensitized and hopeless.

What I find very hard for myself is to really find my dream - like the MAIN goal. Its like I cant really find it. I tried writing it down, I got some points, but none really gave me this - yeeeaa thats what I want to go for feeling. Did you get this feeling when you wrote down your goals ? You write that you have this paper which you read every day and that keeps you going. For me, I see this paper and I think - man, I dont believe those are the right ones/that wont work.

You are doing amazing. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Cheers Dareius

Thank you very much guys for replying to my journal.

@harrygoa
My habits are:
[list type=decimal]
[*]Working out - I work out every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I picked up one of the easier workouts on this page: http://darebee.com/ and there are also few good artices about exercising. Every Sunday I walk 12km to nearby village (6 km there and 6 km back), but later I want to walk to village, which is 10 km far.
[*]Meditation - I meditate every morning before I make my breakfast. I'm trying to meditate for about 15 minutes. At this moment I'm trying to relax my muschles and just focus on breathing. I progress slowly, but steadily. But later I'll probably have to look for additional informations.
[*]Reading books - I read book every day. My mininal number of pages I read is 10 and I'm always trying to get to this number. Since March, when I registered in local library I borrowed about 10 books. Few of them were so interesting that I read them twice, before I returned them back.
When I read, I read aloud, because I remember things better that way.  And it helps me to better express myself not just when I talk, but also when I write something. I keep a list of books I want to read. This list now contains 36 books and so far I've read 10 books from it. But I will definitely add more books on this list.
[*]Listening to music - who doesn't like music? I personally prefer trailer music and bands like Two Steps from Hell, Future Music World etc. There are also times, when I just listen to it and do nothing else. When it comes to other songs I first listen to them and then I make an opinion.
[*]Playing games - Because I started to play computer games since age 6, it's one of the habits which made me, who I am today. I know that in the future I will play games, but I won't be spending too much time to them. There were times I spent 16 hours playing games and didn't have any problem with it. But they also taught me few like, for example how to accept loss and learn from it.
[/list]

And now my dream. When I took time to think about things I like and I don't like, the thing I like the most is working with words. I was always fascinated by them, because you can do SO many things with them. You can motivate with them, persuade with them, make somebody feel better or worse. There are limitless situations, where we can use them. And I like my national language, because it's very rich, I like them even more.

The thing is I still don't know yet, which profesion I want to choose. I can be a writer, because for a long time I have characters in my mind, which developed over the time. Or I can be copywriter, because I am also interested in psychology. I like the idea of when I look at somebody, I would know what he is like. (like I said, it's just an idea, don't know, if it can be so easy). Or I can be both, or something completely different. Time will tell. But to fullfit it I have to write. It's the only way I can get better.

@zaraki888 Don't worry about it, the more important things is, that you wrote and that is what counts. I'm also glad, that my journal helps you.

I'm well aware of emotions. They influence us more, than many of us realize or wants to admit themself.

I believe our thoughts and emotions are creating our reality. As far as I know, we are the creators of our own reality, but most of us have been brainwashed into believing we have no power at all.

Click to expand...

On this matter I have slightly different opinion. That everything around us is a matrix. What got me into this opinion was David Icke's presentation The Lion sleeps no more. It leads to youtube, just you to know. Also I found similar idea, when I read Tao Te T'ing, and I think Buddha talked about Not Me, Not Mine (Anatta). Also found a quote on that topic : "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " A. Einstein

To attract the right partner, one needs to learn to love himself first I think. Only when a person loves himself, I believe he can master the art of loving others and attract the right partner like a universal pull. When you love yourself, you take care of yourself and you radiate a frequencie much higher, this energy is the power we all have and will guide the right partner for you.

Click to expand...

With that I definitely agree. It's true that for years I deeply hated myself. I was saying that I hate myself so much that I let myself life to suffer more, rather than kill myself and let everything go. Luckily those times are over. Now I'm in position that I don't hate myself, I just don't like myself but it's getting better. But I should go to pub and get a little tipsy. Because last time I did that I though I like myself, but when I was tipsy I knew, it wasn't true. Anyway thanks for your opinion.

@Dareius Actually not, it wasn't so hard, when I was writing it. I knew it has to something with words, because I like them very much and I want to be good with them. But I read what to do in a helpful book. But unfortunately it's in my language and I don't know if it is translated yet.The name of book is The end of procrastination (Konec prokrastinace in original).

At least you tried to write one. Don't worry if you are not sure about it, you can always change it. As we change, our ideas and opinions change too. Only thing I can advise you, is to know yourself better.

Well to be honest, when it comes to write things about myself, I am quite nervous and anxious. But I know it's good to do things outside of your comfort zone. Philip Zimbardo describes it as a acts of heroism. Because when we make a habit of it, we don't have problem to stand out in situations where it matters!

I managed to find a job and I start tomorrow. So I won't be able to reply so often (and it sometimes takes me even hours to express myself). I just hope for the best, because first moments are the toughest. Wish me luck and I hope you will be there for me.

good. keep your self busy.
enjoy the now.
enjoy your life.
try to set your brain chemical level with your normal life with out the use of PMO.

Hey Hablablos,

how are you doing? How was your first day on the new job ?

Hello Dareius,

it was funny. I thought I will work, but I just had to sign a few papers, because they didn't have time for me. So this week I am still free and I officialy start next week. Funny how things sometimes happens. 

Hey Hablablos,

I see - it really is intresting how life plays sometimes. We have plans but sth different happens. Live the moment ha ?

Hey Hablablos,
Thanks for sharing your hobbies( now they are your hobbies, aren't they?) And dream with me...
I have also convinced myself to exercise daily or at least go for a daily walk...
Also I am getting up earlier so that I can meditate...
I still have to figure out more things to do ...but would soon figure it out..in think starting watching friends would be one of the things...
I still have to figure about the dream...
But I have started working on one joke a day..

Thanks for ur reply ...it gave an insight into your routine.. I actually wanted to find routines which I can relate to and practise....thanks again

60th day

I've managed to stay 2 months. But there is a still a long time ahead of me. But I must thank you guys. Because I found very encouraging that you guys find me inspirational. Thank you for that.

Yesterday a friend invited me to pub. It was a pleasant change and I wanted to look at myself from a tipsy perspective. Well I still don't like myself, but it takes some time to change it I hope.

From next week I should start working at the new job (this time for real ) so I probably won't have so much time to answer, but nevertheless I will try.

Hello Hablablos,

Congratulations with 2 months! That is incredible!

I saw some video's from David Icke. Pretty interesting I think I do agree about the matrix. Although I somehow also believe one might be able to break free from the matrix. Not an easy task as one of Lao tzu quote; Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power!

Take care!

Hey Hablablos,

congratz on the 60 day mark! I think liking yourself comes with time. One thing you can do to help you on self-love are affirmations. You can read alot about it on the internet. I m watching an affirmation for selflove twice a day. I use short ones, not those half hour ones, so you can do it very quick on days where you dont have much time/the nerves. I searchd abit and found this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhrRRGLmXQo . The ones I m using are in my language, not english.
How is your work man, are you enjoying it so far ?

Cheers Dareius

68th day

Today I returned from our gaming community reunion. It was great fun and few people gave me some great ideas for my personal project.

I spent last week in my new work. There is a lot of work around, so I am not affraid that will get bored anytime soon. Also because I hardly have any money left, I will try to be there as long as I can. I wrote in one of my previous posts that I want to be good with using words and I have a good opportunity. Because one of the things I do is creating product descriptions.

@Dareius Thanks for the link, but I honestly don't believe in those affirmations. Maybe after some time I try it again, but at this moment I will pass it. But don't get me wrong I am very grateful for posting it.

Hey bro! Good job on getting back on track! I hope you will inspire other people too with your story. I suggest when you have reached our ultimate goal, post your story on the "Success story" Thread. It will be more motivational to post here every now and then!

Hey Hablablos,

glad to hear that your work is going good so far.

I see affirmations as sth that gives your mind positive thoughts opposite to the many negative ones, one might have. But there are many ways to selflove and your reboot is definetly a very good way to get there.

Good luck,
Dareius