7.17.2016DayIChooseClean
New Member
It just so happens that today is the 17th day, of the 7th month of my 37th year. I believe 7 is the number of completion, so this is interesting. I remember at age 7, masturbating for the first time. 30 years have past, and I just did it again. I want this day to be the day of completion. Not that I am completing anything by living in sex addiction, but that this era of bondage in my life is done. So, this journal I begin hopefully, a new life with a new community, and better information and support. I came to this sight for the first time after knowing about it for weeks, I watched some vids on youtube about the brain and pornography. What I learned seemed to explain a lot of the whys I have had for years and years.
My brief, long history and struggles with addiction
So I was introduced to something called masturbation at age 7 by some neighorhood kids. My curiosity caused me to try it; 30 years later I still seem to "need" it. I remember being terrified of being caught doing it which is strange since my parents never talked about such things; I also remember feeling ashamed. The secret little habit continued over the years to mental fantasy over other girls, then to some crossdressing, and pornography later. when I was 16 I got stuck watching a porn movie with some school buds, this was major exposure for me. It was dirty new fuel for more wanking off. I remember the awkwardness and shame I always felt; I grew up in a christian home and had spiritual experiences and knew all this was wrong, but still couldn't seem to stop. Never was these things discussed in church community (like nowadays) so I lived in isolated fear of exposure. Somehow, I rationalized that having real sex with a girl (outside marriage) I would never do, but all the weird stuff I did in secret was manageable. I remember at 18 buying my first porn mag. Then my first videos. When I went to college in 1998 I started using the computers at school to look at porn. This went on over and over, all the while I was dating my future wife.
I got married in 2000, had real sex, it was new and different, but guess what? I wasn't cured! So soon enough my new wife found out about my dirty secrets after I went into her underthings. She was shocked and I was mortified. Also the porn use continued on her laptop computer in the NetZero days. These patterns went on for years. I hated talking about "my problem" all the time. I tried to get help a few times from pastors and councellors, but always felt like they didn't understand my struggles, or how to help me. IN 2011 i was given an ultimatum to get help or seperate. I phoned local SAA, and SA groups and started going to meetings. I found it helpful in certain respects, but started to feel stuck in the "program"after some months. I stopped going to meetings in 2013, and went to a well known sex addiction treatment center in colorado springs. After this I think I had about 3 months of no addictive behaviors - which was a major breakthrough! However, due to lack of community, and my own whatever... I relapsed. Since then I have kind of given up on councellors and programs, and therapists.
Today
I want to live a new life and love my wife and kids like a real man. My research about these issues has taught me that sex addiction locks me in immature emotional patterns, and makes it impossible to have true intimacy. Today I am a grown up who doesn't feel like one. Is this normal? Probably not.
I am encouraged by the things I am learning here already and elswhere about what the real struggle is mainly (Dopamine cravings) it explains why when I see my triggers something lights up in me, and then I want MORE.
good night (morning) talk to some of you soon, thanks.
7/18
Work was slower today, so that got the opportunist in me thinking about how to carry out his diabolical schemes once again. Fortunately, any down time I may have had was consumed with fixing the charging system on my truck. so I could get my deliveries done! Oh how much time and money I have wasted on this empty pursuit.
My brief, long history and struggles with addiction
So I was introduced to something called masturbation at age 7 by some neighorhood kids. My curiosity caused me to try it; 30 years later I still seem to "need" it. I remember being terrified of being caught doing it which is strange since my parents never talked about such things; I also remember feeling ashamed. The secret little habit continued over the years to mental fantasy over other girls, then to some crossdressing, and pornography later. when I was 16 I got stuck watching a porn movie with some school buds, this was major exposure for me. It was dirty new fuel for more wanking off. I remember the awkwardness and shame I always felt; I grew up in a christian home and had spiritual experiences and knew all this was wrong, but still couldn't seem to stop. Never was these things discussed in church community (like nowadays) so I lived in isolated fear of exposure. Somehow, I rationalized that having real sex with a girl (outside marriage) I would never do, but all the weird stuff I did in secret was manageable. I remember at 18 buying my first porn mag. Then my first videos. When I went to college in 1998 I started using the computers at school to look at porn. This went on over and over, all the while I was dating my future wife.
I got married in 2000, had real sex, it was new and different, but guess what? I wasn't cured! So soon enough my new wife found out about my dirty secrets after I went into her underthings. She was shocked and I was mortified. Also the porn use continued on her laptop computer in the NetZero days. These patterns went on for years. I hated talking about "my problem" all the time. I tried to get help a few times from pastors and councellors, but always felt like they didn't understand my struggles, or how to help me. IN 2011 i was given an ultimatum to get help or seperate. I phoned local SAA, and SA groups and started going to meetings. I found it helpful in certain respects, but started to feel stuck in the "program"after some months. I stopped going to meetings in 2013, and went to a well known sex addiction treatment center in colorado springs. After this I think I had about 3 months of no addictive behaviors - which was a major breakthrough! However, due to lack of community, and my own whatever... I relapsed. Since then I have kind of given up on councellors and programs, and therapists.
Today
I want to live a new life and love my wife and kids like a real man. My research about these issues has taught me that sex addiction locks me in immature emotional patterns, and makes it impossible to have true intimacy. Today I am a grown up who doesn't feel like one. Is this normal? Probably not.
I am encouraged by the things I am learning here already and elswhere about what the real struggle is mainly (Dopamine cravings) it explains why when I see my triggers something lights up in me, and then I want MORE.
good night (morning) talk to some of you soon, thanks.
7/18
Work was slower today, so that got the opportunist in me thinking about how to carry out his diabolical schemes once again. Fortunately, any down time I may have had was consumed with fixing the charging system on my truck. so I could get my deliveries done! Oh how much time and money I have wasted on this empty pursuit.
