Found my way back after 1yr

I am back to here again. I am sorry, but I gave up. I guess I just kinda accepted my addiction and moved on with life. I started posting some stuff a year ago. But, I did not last long the first time, so I guess it didn't really count. Not going to give up so easily this time around.

happens to me a lot. i think im coming back to the quitting mindset again. i think its impossible to give up completely. feels impossible to quit when the withdrawals and craving hit though. its kind of messed up spot to be in, cant quit cant continue.

I dont think I will ever quit completely, it seems impossible right now. Reading some posts on here makes me wonder if I am even capable. And will I be happy if I do, or will I be in constant cravings? I am so confused right now.

End of Day 1- Feeling unsure.
Can't sleep.
I  want to PMO, but I also don't want to. It is late and I am the only one up. Let the inner struggle begin.
I think I will try to sleep now. Turning my puter off.

    I am not doing well. This shit has a grip on me.

A Better Me said:

I dont think I will ever quit completely, it seems impossible right now. Reading some posts on here makes me wonder if I am even capable. And will I be happy if I do, or will I be in constant cravings? I am so confused right now.

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you will not have constant cravings that is for sure. if you stopped smoking you know what im talking about. i stopped smoking 5 years ago (used to smoke for 6 years) and now when im drunk and surrounded with smoke and smokers (used to be my biggest trigger ever for smoking), the thought of lighting one up almost never even crosses my mind but rarely if it does, i easily reject it even while im drunk. it can take years but rest assured you will not have those cravings forever.

one time i went 8 months without PMO and without MO. that was 2 years ago or so. there was no cravings, certainly not like this shit that is going on for the first couple of months. i was also seeing some girl throughout my reboot. i fucked up only because i thought it is okay to reintroduce MO back into my life. only after you fuck up you will get the cravings back, im sure for cigarettes or any other drug is the same thing.

some people have really hard time quitting MO too but if we look closely at MO - instant reward, no effort, no connection, no intimacy, easily available at all times, lonely activity, no confidence (with girls), no fear of being rejected when meeting new girls, no risk etc. very much like PMO and total opposite of real sex. i think that is the problem with MO and that is why my MO fucked me up and created huge chaser effects/cravings, limp dick and huge cravings for PMO.

One of the things that has puzzled me is what is the life lesson that addictions are for. Recently I have made progress in understanding this. The following thread of words I wrote in answer in my diary yesterday: Addictions-Ritual-Mechanisation-Discipline-Time-Managing Change-Polarities of Change

Counting as a ritual is a harmless substitue for PMO, however it can be just as neurotic, which is why I am much happier now that I have given up, on the other hand, without some form of ritual life becomes meaningless, in a way we are always addicted, whether it be to air or PMO, the difference is in how we relate to our practices and what significance we attach to them. Nothing is devoid of negativity, even air oxidizes are body and corrodes our cells to some extent. PMO is not just an addiction but a mechanical response with content. Transcending it requires overstanding the content as much as freeing oneself from the routine. Thank you.

Its a strange life we live. This is part of our journey as people. I have been seeking professional help from a sex therapist.  I am learning that it is really only up to me to stop this. It doesn't matter what I do, who I talk to, or where I am. The ultimate choice is mine alone. I will focus only on the end result and not on the struggle I am in now. I know it will be worth it.
Thank you for the replies.

  DAY 1

I have to stop doing this.
It is destroying me on the inside, and I fear I am losing my sanity.
  It has gotten to the point that my wife feels I am cheating when I PMO. I have cut porn use down and I struggle to not think about it, but I have not stopped. It seems like I am just trying to tell myself that I am doing better, but it is a lie I tell myself.
  I need to see what my life would be like when I quit this horrible habit I have created.
My therapist is a sexual behavior therapist and has told me that I my have underlying issues that makes my issue a result of something else like childhood trauma or mental issues. Whatever it is, it is killing me on the inside. I hate myself and what I have become.

I look for strength now to fight off the urges and use the tools that I have so I can gain some kind of ground.

I think I need some kind of option so that I can find myself again. Because right now, I dont know who I am anymore.

I want to be free, strong willed, and motivated.

Made some real decisions yesterday and I am doing well. I downloaded a app on my phone to track my habits and help me keep track of my addiction. Hope it helps  me.

A Better Me said:

Made some real decisions yesterday and I am doing well. I downloaded a app on my phone to track my habits and help me keep track of my addiction. Hope it helps  me.

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whats the app

The app is free, it is called Rewire Companion. It is seems cool. It has helpful quotes and stats to track your progress. I didn't realize how many apps to stop M that there are. Its not the magic tool that I would hope for, but it is helpful and I need all the help I can get.

My wife is at the end of her patience with me. I have to do this not only for me, but for my marriage now. She compares it to drug addiction like I just quit and can just stop using. The bad part is, if I compare it to drugs, Its like I am the dealer, I have unlimited supply, and its free!!! OMFG >:-(

When it grabs you, it feels like it is worse than drugs. At least a drug user can be separated from the drugs, but with this, I feel like I am always carrying it with me. Just waiting for the chance to use. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

My goal is to reach 7 days. I can do this.

Day 2