7-30-90

32

Active Member
My wife is expecting our first child in 127 days. I can break this down as my goal to be clean until that date (and beyond) into sub-goals: 7 days, 30 days, 90 days. Each segment will give me sufficient experience and strength to progress towards the main target of being free from PMO in 127 days - ready for our first child to have a father who will have grown in humility, integrity, self-respect and a man of responsibility.

Today is day 2, which follows repeated relapses of various extents over the course of many years. Now that I am facing a new reality with many changes ahead, I choose to learn from my experiences and to grow with a new mindset to become the person that I have always known deep down that I can, and should, be: Honest, self-loving, genuine care for other people, and living authentically.

I know that this will be difficult, although I need to keep things simple. Experience has taught me many things, despite its pain, suffering and frustration. This is permission to myself to let-go of the past (both long-term and as recent as a few days ago); I am more powerful and bigger than my problem. After all, my behaviour problem is my subconscious need to escape from the possible feeling of pain, including fear of failure or not being good enough. Again, I am far more powerful than my problem only from now on I am committing to taking action on a daily basis. I am now pro-active to take responsibility for me thoughts and emotions; these are a choice - how I think/the thoughts that I let into my mind and those which can be disregarded if it no longer serves me. This requires attention, discipline and brutal honesty. E.g. How is a fantasy going to help me? It's not, it is a harmful and dangerous distraction.

So this is the new me. It will take time to become the 33 y/o father-to-be who is in love with his wife and loves his life. But I will become this person one day at a time, followed by creating the 7-30-90 model.

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Porn is no longer an option.
 

32

Active Member
Hi everyone.

Day 5.

The past few days have been OK, I have experienced some fatigue which has been a bit of a reality check; after having suffered from chronic fatigue for several years, which obviously had a massive affect on my life, waking up to the fact that PMO can bring about fatigue has left me feeling even more motivated (if not angry!) to combat this for once and for all.

I am more committed to finding ways to increase my energy (physical and cognitive) rather than let PMO continue to sabotage and harm my life, especially as I am entering a new chapter.

Looking forward to checking in again in a few days time.

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Porn is no longer an option.

 

32

Active Member
Day 6.
Going to sleep soon but want to check in. Difficult day with fatigue which has reinforced much abut what I wrote yesterday. Also think it's emotional blocks which is contributing to the fatigue, specifically career change anxiety. Tried to take it easy today and be attentive to my thoughts not to allow anything inappropriate to rest but rather to be dismissed. Being careful of my thoughts is important. Anyway, tomorrow is Day 7 of my formula (7-30-90); hopefully I will reach this initial milestone.
 

gazz

Active Member
So this is the new me. It will take time to become the 33 y/o father-to-be who is in love with his wife and loves his life.

What a fantastic why. Hope you've got this written down on a piece of paper in your wallet!! :)

Interesting stuff when you talk about the discomfort of fatigue. I've slipped up a lot on NF because for some reason I get surprised when suddenly the journey is downright unpleasant. I mean - PMO makes us feel horrible, so we decide to try rebooting. The awful side of PMO'ing is in our heads, so rebooting is awesome. you feel like a better person, you might feel more energy and feel good about yourself, you do more work and feel productive. Then suddenly you've got insomnia and headaches and depression (they say your brain enjoys its comfort, and doesn't understand why you've taken PMO away - so its nudging you to relapse). So accept the suffering and know it will end, and know it all gets better.

Looking forward to your 7 day post dude!
 

32

Active Member
Thanks Gazz. I appreciate your comment but not sure I understand it fully. Why do you get surprised? I have noticed from past experience that when things start to get good suddenly find myself with PMO. Why do we forget so easily and quickly the misery that we go through? We feel the nudges that you refer to and act on it but the sheer magnitude of the addictive behaviour leads us to repeating the same regretable behaviour. So I guess I am asking on a deeper level (not science based) what is happening, are we simply subconsciously affraid of loosing porn etc so therefore act out? Hope this makes sense to those reading this post.

We really need throughout belief that changing our habits if possible. Science says it takes 66 days to change or build a new habit; so I guess in the meantime we need to armour ourselves to do what is necessary consistently.

 

4moa

Member
Hey 32

I've read your story and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear me! I know exactly what your talking about! You get going on pmo, your life, self worth, and so many things start going down the shiter. Then you say I'm going to take control, I'm gonna change. Life and mood improves and you feel good. Right?

Then the demons in your mind show up......WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY FEELING GOOD. you somehow talk youself into pmoing again. But that's really not what happened, think back about your triggers. If you're going to fight this you can't let yourself have any type of visual stimulus. Even any magazines at a grocery store can send you down the wrong path.

I'm a father of three and have lost so much time with false promises and weak resolve so trust me when I say that you have to beat this otherwise your regret will be so profound and so deep that forgiving yourself later May feel impossible.

You need to be honest with yourself and what your triggers are. Remember that your brain is going to try to fool you into thinking that this is okay or what I'm looking at isn't as bad as what I used to. Those are all lies and will continue to drag you back to where you started.

I start every day with an actual out loud statement that I've got today, today I'm going to win. You owe that to your fiance and your unborn child. So don't give up the fight and I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.
 

32

Active Member
Hi 4moa (and everyone else),

Thanks for sharing your thoughts which led me to read your own thread of posts. It sounds like your very focused and a great guy, which is inspiring. I think that at time when you're unsure about where your wife is holding, just look her in the eye with honesty and care for her and ask her to share her feelings.

I can't imagine what's it's like to be able to open up to my wife about all of this; you're right, it's damn right challenging and scary (but I simply cannot tell my wife about this issue).

Today is Day 10, but last night (shortly after logging onto the form) I sat to meditate only to get distracted with a stupid (but totally innocent) distraction. So I went online and within a couple of minutes I had a trigger (again, totally innocent): the word "buzz" came up and my subconscious brain associated it to orgasm and then what felt like an instruction to seek comfort in that sort of thing. Unfortunately I wasn't prepared enough to resist and found myself looking at some models, which led to seeing some topless images for about a minute. During that time, I noticed my conscious telling me to reject it b/c it's harmful, etc. After about a minute or so I decided to face reality and switched it off.

i came across this quote from Albert Einstein: ?A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.?

It's just a reminder that this is on easy ride. Am I appointed with myself, yes. But I also recognise that I was not prepared for what might of happened. Also I quickly realised why it happened, and how my brain works!

Thankfully, I do not have a great deal of emotion tied into this 'lapse'. I do feel a bit of guilt and shame, but not a huge amount like recent occasions which brought my down. My energy/fatigue is fluctuating, although mostly low at the moment.

Back to last night (and excuse the rambling), I may have looked at shit for a few minutes but I did reject it and chose reality instead. Not ideal, but I do think that my recognition of the voice in my head (conscious) and time it took my to react and decide how to carry on was quicker and sharper than other times. Maybe I am just making excuses for myself, or perhaps I am recognising some progress - i am not sure.

But with all this said and done, do you think I should reset the counter back to zero, or carry on with today as Day 10?

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Porn is no longer an option

 

gazz

Active Member
Hey mate, sorry - I think my posts and replies are rambling, half thought-out sentences that only make sense in my head!

Why do you get surprised?

Our own brains say to us - 'it's okay to watch P. The consequences aren't so bad.' or the classic, 'Just one last relapse, then we can continue this streak.' being on a streak can be a boring cos there's no dopamine hit. you relapse and it's surprising how horrible it is. How did we forget? because our own brains want that comfort it's used to so it will say anything to you. that's why so many of us use porn-blocks - we're fighting with our own brains and are trying to put boundaries on ourselves. That's why this is the ultimate fight/ game - how do you fight yourself??

are we simply subconsciously afraid of losing porn etc so therefore act out?

Absolutely! It's the ultimate drug. They say it's stronger than cocaine. so our brains 'forget' the hell the of being in the addictive cycle after we achieve a few days of sobriety. I've written loads of stuff about the post-relapse misery and I reread it every morning. being on a good streak makes you stronger, but those moments so still come when your brain 'forgets' the pain and you say, 'screw it, one quick relapse.'

everyone on a streak 'misses' porn. so it's good to remember the pain ,it's not a pleasure when this much pain is involved. keep reading the forums and see what your brothers are going through. for inspiration to start nofap and for inspiration to keep going!

66 days?

I think a week gets you out of the compulsive cycle. that's when you're onto the next stage. as for those 'fuck it, i'll relapse' moments they can always be with you, after90 days and forever, and you have to have A PLAN - know what you'll do when those thoughts come. I've hit 90 days enough times to know we have to always be vigilant.

hope this helps!
 

4moa

Member
Hey 32 good to see you're here fighting the good fight still! Tough break about those pics you looked at yesterday. But I think you did great understanding where it was heading and shutting it down.

One thing that's helped me as anytime I see a woman be it in real life or on the cover of a magazine I try to imagine her story. Maybe a tired new mom with a crap boyfriend just trying to get by or someone stressed out thinking about how they're going to pay their gas bill at any rate the point is that pornography removes the human aspect from these actual people.

I'm quite certain a vast majority of people in that industry have suffered deeply to devalue themselves and that way. All of these women have parents, Brothers, sisters . We have two girls and one boy and it would gut me for my girls to end up in that industry or my boy to experience the pain I've gone through!

One thing's for sure is that my boy will know the truth about what p*** does and how dangerous it really is!

Haha just stopped at a red light I started reading this back I guess you and Gazz don't have the market on rambling.

I've been doing a lot of that lately but I don't really think it's rambling more than giving my brain free reign to my mouth. When you spend so many years concealing your addiction from loved ones I think you really measure your words to make sure none of your secrets come out. It's actually quite a good feeling to just say what comes into your head sometimes!

But I just got to my appointment and I haven't even written in my journal yet today. So in answer to your question about your counter...... it's up to you dude will it feel like a lie to yourself if you count this is day 10? I really don't think it's a super big deal either way.

Just keep in mind that even if you're looking at women that are fully closed but you're getting some of those same feelings your strengthening those neural pathways that were trying to kill!

Just know that I'm pulling for you....... wait! That was a terrible choice of words! I mean I got your back...... Shit! That didn't sound good either!

Sorry bro I joke a lot but really I am interested in your recovery you've got a lot to look forward to. Just pick yourself up, embrace the suck and keep moving forward!
 

4moa

Member
By the way thanks for your nice opinion of me after reading my story even if it might be a little undeserved. Again I'm sorry 4 any incorrect word usage I do all of this through voice to text
 

4moa

Member
Hey 32. I haven't seen you on lately! Hope you're doing well!

Please don't give up this fight! There is so much happiness and contentment on the other side of the emptiness that porn leaves you with.
 

32

Active Member
4moa - Thanks for checking in.

I've not been doing well lately having relapsed (twice) on Monday. The first trigger was ironically after I felt somewhat of a breakthrough in terms of releasing emotional blocks in other areas of my life (i.e. overcoming specific fears about relationships and money, etc); I have a glass ceiling that has been preventing me from making sustainable and real progress.

Later that night I sat down to meditate and ended up PMO. No doubt I was (subconciously) trying to escape the feeling of the prior PMO - hence the cycle.

I am slowly coming out of the depression, although I have been experiencing great anxiety and guilt.

On the positive side, I have found a suitable therapist to have a few sessions with (a former addict himself, so good to relate); I will be meeting him on Monday, although until then I am concentrating on a 3 minute meditation/affirmations before accessing the internet (when alone) and when an urge comes on to do 20 push ups followed by another 3 minute meditation.

Today I am going to a SSA meeting. Hopefully this will make an impact and I can start dealing with this issue for what it truly is.
 

gazz

Active Member
Sounds great, mate. I have a similar get-away-from-urges method. Movement/ exercise - getting physical and in your body, meditation - getting present in the moment, a moment to just think - awareness, then playing an upbeat song - changing my mood. Sometimes it all gets a bit automatic and you have to remember the core of why you're doing it - it's not just 'meditate for 3 minutes' but becoming aware of yourself, the world around, and that you don't want to drop your trousers round your ankles, watch pixels and damage the grey matter in your brain.

Onward!
 

32

Active Member
Exactly. I went to my first SAA group yesterday and got a lot out of it; everything became very real and I enjoyed connecting to other people who can relate to each other. Feeling positive and generally confident today, much more towards my true self although I recognise that there is a lot of constant work (aka commitment) that is needed every day. But If I Keep It simple and develop it into a routine then perhaps I stand a chance of making sustainable progress.

Yesterday also made me appreciate just where I actually am holding and the progress I have made to date even if relapses have been occurring. As in, who I am and how I am approaching recovery.

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Porn is no longer an option
 

32

Active Member
Day 7.
Feeling irritable and moody. Recognised that I have been (unfairly) resenting my wife for a couple of things, namely career stuff but also feeling quite 'bored' with our relationship. I know that we have a child on the way which will change everything, but I keep thinking about how we are now and it's just so meh. No real connection. And that just makes me feel sad. But then I think well what if I wouldn't be keeping a secret and fighting my demons all the time. In other words, maybe me without this issue could bring more assertiveness and life into our relationship, even if it's not coming from her.

Anyway. It's Day 7. I am seeing my cognitive hynotherapist later for a second session. Feeling more committed each day to taking the necessary steps.

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Porn is no longer an option
 

gazz

Active Member
7 7 7 7 7 7 !!!
Great going mate!

Definitely this PMO habit effects your connections to others - it literally damages the brain's receptors that creates empathy. P really stops us caring about people, giving a shit about people, because our brains are told women are a piece of meat, and when real women act like ... real women, it doesn't make sense to us. keep going, there is a brighter future where you'll feel positive, and you'll just FEEL, there are rough days and depression along the way but any day now you're going to wake up with so much love in your heart. It's what happened to me and I wouldn't have dreamed it.
 

32

Active Member
Thanks Gazz. I needed to hear your words.

It's Day 10. Yesterday I had a boost in my love for my wife. Today I feel those urges trying to creep in and I do not like it!

I need to be really careful b/c my wife is out this evening and I will be home alone.


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Porn is no longer an option
 

32

Active Member
The last 2 weeks have been horrid; massive progress followed by several relapses (all really one big thing). My therapist says its normal as my brain is changing, and I feel that but it doesn't take away the pain and suffering.

Today is my 3rd anniversary and I am trapped with guilt and tension; I treated my wife and spoiled her and she is happy, but I am not happy. In fact, I feel incredibly sad that I am not as happy as I know I could have been if my life wasn't a lie.

I really do want to live with honesty, authenticity, integrity and reason. But at the moment, the wind is out of my sail and I feel punctured. My wife is due with our first child in 93 days. This is my biggest driver yet it is often not enough.
 

gazz

Active Member
You're on the journey mate - the HERO'S JOURNEY. can't you feel it? The opening credits are rolling, and amazing soundtrack is playing - this challenge is your door into manhood, into your life. You just need to care of this one problem, and everything else will take care of itself, cos you'll build up tools and discipline and habits and a lifestyle - you'll be a beast among men. Make this your number one priority - nothing else matters for 3 months. let your other responsibities suffer a little -it's all about NOT doing this one thing - and it is that simple. you may relapse along the way, but don't let relapse turn into a binge, you recommit every time and you keep going. it you're suffering it means you're rebooting - you're brain is saying - where is my 500% dose of dopamine? it's not getting it anymore, so celebrate that you're going through hell, cos in 3 months your brain won't want 500% of dopamine. Make your plan, review your plan, improve your plan, and stick to this commitment, when you fail, you immediately recommit. This is going to be awesome
 

32

Active Member
Thanks Gazz, it's exactly what I needed to read. It's been a problematic time for me lately in this regard, but since my last mis-behaviour on Monday I have since my hypnotherapist and feel a lot more in control and focused again. Like I'm on top of this thing b/c my future life depends on it. I am trying to make the abstract concept of becoming a dad a reality - with all of the responsibilities that comes with parenting and the fact that I need to be in a clear and good state of mind way in advance of the birth.

Today I am fatigued, which may partly because I am over worked but no doubt it is my brain dealing with a newly formed sense of withdrawal.

I will be fine, I have to be. This must not get in my way anymore, it's up to me to make sure of it.


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Porn is no longer an option
 
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