Beginning of the end. My journal

Hello everyone. I've been lurking for a few weeks after my wife found this site, reading posts of other guys as well as what the loved ones go through and have found it to be very encouraging.

My experience is a little different than most that I've read. I guess this is the one time that I'm fortunate to not hardly know shit about computers. However I can assure you that the outcome from looking at magazines or DVD movies that come with the magazines can destroy your life and everything that's important in it just as easily.

My porn use started around the age of ten, my brothers and I found a box of mags dumped on a dirt road near our house. We would look at them quite often but no M as my brothers were there nearly every time. That's started a little later at the house. If I did M it was always just fantasies no visual stimulation. With the exception of a few times making calls to sex lines. My parents ended up finding out about the magazines and of course it's hard to hide calls to a sex chat line when you're not paying the phone bill.

So things tapered off( as far as porn use) because I didn't have any real access  until I was older, but I was still M daily sometimes more than once a day. So fast forward to about 18 years old and I was asked to leave the house by my father because I refused to follow House Rules the main ones being attending church, refusing  to quit smoking,or give up all of my friends that did not belong to our religion. I have younger siblings and not following house rules was a bad influence on them.

I have a very outgoing and gregarious personality so meeting women wasn't difficult for me in fact for the next 5 years I was very promiscuous.  Through that time porn at least seemed like more of a way to fill in the gaps when I wasn't with an actual person. I started dating my wife almost 16 years ago. For the first year or so of dating porn really didn't come into my daily life. ( my wife is definitely the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I know you guys have heard that before but I'm telling you there really is no one that can even come close to her beauty on planet Earth and that's not just because I love her) just imagine the most stunning woman you've ever seen in your life....... now give up because that's not even close to how beautiful my wife is.

So life is great I'm with a beautiful woman that makes love to me everyday sometimes more than once a day. I actually remember pissing her off once because I told her that sometimes I might just be tired and we don't have to have sex everyday.  We moved in together and life settles down and slowly I fall back into a routine of picking up a A porn mag and m in gas station bathrooms before or after work. I ended up back on a chat line which my wife found out about just a few months after we were married. Of course my wife was devastated and I felt like a huge pile of s*** for doing this to the woman I loved.

That was 2005 and despite my best efforts and sincere promises I would continue to relapse until present day. Never truly understanding why it was so difficult to stay away from porn. I mean I have a beautiful wife three beautiful children and from all outward appearances a great life so what is so wrong with me that I can't get this under control.
To make matters worse if it's possible not one single time of all the times did I go to my wife and admit what I had done. I never even gave her a chance to be understanding or too lean on her for support. So it was never just about the ACT but I also about the Betrayal the lies and hiding it from the one person I love the most in the world. I always felt such shame and disgusted for myself and actions and I've never been a very open person about my feelings so as much as I wanted to tell her I just used the excuse of "well today's going so good, or today is going so bad no need to make it worse I'll tell her later" but I never had to tell her she always knew that wonderful amazing woman can read me like a book. She would ask if everything's going okay I would lie, she would pretend to believe me, and life would go on until things would come to a head again and she could finally get me to admit that I was in fact looking at porn.

I disclosed to my wife 2 weeks ago which nothing I had to tell her I think was too much of a surprise. But we are getting close to the straw that's going to break the camel's back. I feel like a Broken Man that's dying of thirst and there's a cup of water right in front of me. My wife still loves me but I've hurt her and betrayed her so many times that she keeps me at arm's length. I want so bad what probably all of us do that are in a relationship, a redo a fresh start but I know that the only thing that will bring my wife back into my arms is time to rebuild the trust that was lost.

I Have PIED, brain fog and I'm quite depressed
I haven't PMO since September 17th so I guess that makes 51 days today
I should be happier about that accomplishment then I am.
Most days I feel like my chest is coming apart I feel actual pain inside my body. I normally conceal carry a pistol everyday because of the area's I have to work but I stopped doing this not because I'm afraid of what I'll do with it but I just feel so depressed that if someone wanted to Rob or kill me I'd probably be okay with it.
I don't know what fapping is but if it has anything to do with this sort of s*** I haven't done that since September 17th either.

Anyway I know I'm leaving a ton of s*** out but this is really hard to do on my cell phone and I've got to get back to work if you made it this far through this rambling story thank you. I look forward to being in this group and beating this disgusting addiction no matter what it takes.

I don't mean to be a wise-ass in responding to a serious situation, but man, if you typed all that out on your phone, you've got my admiration already!

As far as disclosing to your wife, better late than never. In your own words, it was the betrayal and lies that you agonized about most. That's over now. And that means you and your wife can begin the business of rebuilding.

I'm not married (divorced twice) so I'm probably not the best one to advise you on how you and your wife should move forward at this point. But I do know from reading posts on here that a huge percentage of the guys on here are married. So you are definitely not alone. In any case, I recommend you keep up your great progress on your reboot. In whatever way you and your wife choose to move forward, it will take some time to rebuild that trust.

Would it be worth it to consider couples counseling?

Also, as you may have seen, there is a forum on this site for partners of porn addicts-- do you think your wife would be open to trying to get some support there?

Anyway, you did the right thing in coming here and posting. This site is an amazing resource and I recommend you come here a couple of times (at least that's what I do) if to do nothing more than read a few posts.

Best of luck to you!

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement!
It really just feels like I need to take things day today. I feel much more upbeat and happy today. Didn't have to get up too early this morning so never set an alarm. Sleep and sometimes a little tough especially in the early morning hours. I woke up around 7 and rolled over and snuggled up to my beautiful wife and she intertwined her leg around one of mine. It was so amazing! The feeling you get running through your body with the smallest touch from the person you love. I really think those sorts of interactions set the mood of my day.

So it's day 52 today and it's a good day so far.
My pied seems to be improving. I'm trying not to make my wife feel rushed or hurried. But I do ask for one kiss a day. And the electric feel I got from that one kiss yesterday was super encouraging that I'm heading in the right direction.
Even had a little morning wood this morning.

Anyway just wanted to respond and trying to set the goal of posting at least a little something every day to keep me grounded in my recovery. So if anybody reads this maybe they'll know that recovery is possible.

My wife and I have talked about going two couples therapy. I really need to take the time out to find a place that would work for us. Life just gets crazy sometimes with a family of 5

Day 53

I slowly feel like I'm coming out of my depression. There's still a ton of anxiety mostly whenever I leave the house. I think I scare my wife because I feel like my cup just fills up to a point where trying to say one thing about how I feel turns me into a blubbering mess. I talked with her today I'll let her know that I'm still feeling strong and my commitment to not relapse and that the tears and anxiety must be something else entirely.

I was hoping that these sort of symptoms at least wood taper off and I suppose they have but when I feel almost like a panic attack I just don't know how to release it.

I can say that physical contact does help ease a lot of my anxiety when it feels overwhelming.  My wife held me as I cried this morning and I could feel the anxiety lifting to a manageable level or maybe it was just the act of crying and having that release. I do like the thought that it was my wife though.

I find myself doing a lot of thinking as my job allows for free time traveling from one appointment to the next. And I really think is that the more difficult days are ahead. I've always found that if I'm in a low spot, or a little depressed it would affect my urge to pmo.

So that means as things gradually improve that I really have to be hard with myself and honest about what my triggers are. Because I never really use the internet to pmo I find that my triggers are more of a gradual slide to a relapse.

So that means just stay out of the magazine aisle at the grocery store don't tell yourself that you're just going over there to look at a gun magazine. I stay off my newsfeed that updates on my cell phone because there's entertainment news and style news which basically means half naked girls.

My heart really goes out to you guys that are fighting this on your own meaning no significant other. It's such an amazing thing to have a teammate that loves you and that you have that encouragement to connect with that real life person that you love. Instead of destroying yourself with this make-believe bull shit.

Well that's all I have time for today but looking forward to tomorrow so that's a good thing.

It sounds like you are making progress... even if it's not as fast as you'd like. One day at a time. I think you and your wife are gonna make it!

Looks like I've made day 54!
No pmo and no fapping.

I had to Google what fapping was just to be sure.
If anybody out there reads this and knows what all the other abbreviations are in this forum it sure would be nice to have a cheat sheet

Today's been a lot tougher than yesterday not for pmo or fapping but for just staying positive. I had a conversation with my wife last night about triggers not only for me but also triggers for her.

I guess it really just didn't dawn on me how many different memories, events, places could trigger negative feelings about me. I mean I noticed when we're watching a show and a half dressed woman is worked into the plot then I can expect her understandably to feel hurt, pissed, and betrayed all over again. But it goes way deeper and it really dawned on me that I'm living in a minefield of my own making.

And whereas I planted  the mines and just said f*** a map. My beloved wife has had the location of each one of those mines scarred into her heart and memory. I guess sometimes it just feels like there's no way to get back what I've damaged.

To make matters a little harder my libido is coming back and everytime I look at my wife I feel a growing desire that feels almost uncontrollable. We haven't made love and about 50 days I think. I just don't think it's fair to even let her know how bad I need her because I don't want to rush or push her faster than she's ready to go.

Most days I feel ready to explode. I'm beginning to wonder when is all of this anxiety and depression going to ease off.

Also @getagrip  thanks for your continued comments and encouragement. I know this is my journal and really for my recovery but it's nice to know someone hears me and cares enough to drop a note.

Day 55!

What a difference a few hours can make on your outlook! I'm feeling super energized super clear-headed and just ready to tackle the day!

I find myself spending much more time in silence as I drive to different appointments throughout my day. I like utilizing this time to reflect on how I ended up where I am and what I can do moving forward to improve my and my family's life.

I think I know what put me in such a funk yesterday. The evening before me and my wife we're sitting on the couch talking and it just came up that I was going to have a birthday soon, 40 years old! I wonder if that means I'm going to have to move my journal to the old people age group? Haha. But I started thinking to myself I'm almost 40 and look at how bad I f*** things up. You're such a loser. Things along that line

And this morning as I laid in bed waiting for my alarm to go off gently touching the line of my wife's jaw I thought to myself if I can't forgive myself then the way I beat myself up over past mistakes is going to kill me weather I finally just decided to end it or I spiral down, relapse and lose everything I love.

So today I've decided that I want to be happy! I know that my brain is still fixing itself and there's probably some hard or depressing days in the future, those times when your actions in the past clearly affect things in the present. And you end up hating yourself for the visible pain you can see your loved ones in. But at least I have today and it makes me appreciate the feeling of happiness that much more.

yesterday when I got home my wife gave me a hug and then as she let me go asked      what's wrong and then paused and then said what did you do? Which was pretty much the normal question I'd get when I was up to things and trying to hide it from her. The difference is that this time I was telling the truth when I assured her or at least try to that I had not PMOed or fapped.

But the panic I felt inside myself was exactly the same when I was up to something. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me. I tried my hardest to make sure she knew that I did not slip up or relapse but I'm not sure if she does in fact believe me.

I Can Only Imagine what her heart must feel as I leave for work every morning or if I miss a call from her during the day. It must send a very similar cold Spike of fear and anxiety into her chest.

I think her days are tougher than she lets on but she's such an amazing woman that she doesn't want to affect my recovery as she sees clearly that I'm struggling struggling emotionally to cope most days.

Anyhow all I can do is keep going and keep telling the truth. I'm going to try to start working out.  that used to be a big part of my life and like many other things drifted away.

Sorry to anyone reading this I have to drive a lot so I use voice to text I'm sure there's plenty of run-on sentences and incorrect versions of Words. So again if you made it here thanks

Day 55!

What a difference a few hours can make on your outlook! I'm feeling super energized super clear-headed and just ready to tackle the day!

I find myself spending much more time in silence as I drive to different appointments throughout my day. I like utilizing this time to reflect on how I ended up where I am and what I can do moving forward to improve my and my family's life.

I think I know what put me in such a funk yesterday. The evening before me and my wife we're sitting on the couch talking and it just came up that I was going to have a birthday soon, 40 years old! I wonder if that means I'm going to have to move my journal to the old people age group? Haha. But I started thinking to myself I'm almost 40 and look at how bad I f*** things up. You're such a loser. Things along that line

And this morning as I laid in bed waiting for my alarm to go off gently touching the line of my wife's jaw I thought to myself if I can't forgive myself then the way I beat myself up over past mistakes is going to kill me weather I finally just decided to end it or I spiral down, relapse and lose everything I love.

So today I've decided that I want to be happy! I know that my brain is still fixing itself and there's probably some hard or depressing days in the future, those times when your actions in the past clearly affect things in the present. And you end up hating yourself for the visible pain you can see your loved ones in. But at least I have today and it makes me appreciate the feeling of happiness that much more.

yesterday when I got home my wife gave me a hug and then as she let me go asked      what's wrong and then paused and then said what did you do? Which was pretty much the normal question I'd get when I was up to things and trying to hide it from her. The difference is that this time I was telling the truth when I assured her or at least try to that I had not PMOed or fapped.

But the panic I felt inside myself was exactly the same when I was up to something. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me. I tried my hardest to make sure she knew that I did not slip up or relapse but I'm not sure if she does in fact believe me.

I Can Only Imagine what her heart must feel as I leave for work every morning or if I miss a call from her during the day. It must send a very similar cold Spike of fear and anxiety into her chest.

I think her days are tougher than she lets on but she's such an amazing woman that she doesn't want to affect my recovery as she sees clearly that I'm struggling struggling emotionally to cope most days.

Anyhow all I can do is keep going and keep telling the truth. I'm going to try to start working out.  that used to be a big part of my life and like many other things drifted away.

Sorry to anyone reading this I have to drive a lot so I use voice to text I'm sure there's plenty of run-on sentences and incorrect versions of Words. So again if you made it here thanks

Day 58!

This past weekend was overall pretty awesome! My wife and I went to the shooting range on Saturday and then two a 3 gun competition Sunday.

I was putting up some of the best times of the day and just felt really great going in to each stage. I really just felt so clear-headed which helps a lot as you have a lot going on with each stage engaging targets with the correct weapon, making sure you don't shoot yourself or anyone else, and not breaking any of the countless rules.

And what's even best as I feel like my wife and I have really been connecting it was over 50 days since the last time we made love.

Well last night the dry spell was broken!

It was so wonderful to hold her and feel her body. I definitely was feeling anxious about how my little guy would perform. But he rose to the occasion if you get my meaning. I still think there's more rewiring to be done but it's very encouraging to see and feel that arousal without touching it at all.

Afterwards my wife confided in me that she was worried about me slipping up. Maybe the Chaser effect? She didn't go into details. But I can say that this morning leaving for work I did have the urge not to look at p necessarily but definitely 2 m and get that release.

I really feel like the education I've received here is at least helping me win half the battle. When you know the traps that might be waiting for you, and being honest about triggers and actively trying to identify them.

I got the mail this afternoon and there was a Spanx magazine in there. As soon as I saw what it was I covered it up with other mail and brought everything in for my wife. I was unloading groceries and noticed after the second trip the magazine was gone. She didn't mention it so I brought it up I at least wanted her to hear from me that I didn't open that magazine or look at a single picture.

I decided once I started this journal that my goal was to not do anything that I would have a hard time coming back and telling my wife in the afternoon. I'm so happy I didn't look in that magazine. My incredible wife was so happy to see me when I walk to the door and I got a hug and kiss and it felt amazing to know that even if she did ask I could look her in the eye and with absolutely no guilt answer with the truth.

Anyhow I've been working on this journal entry throughout the day obviously I'm home now. So I'm calling it a night I'm going to go spend some time with my amazing family that I'm so grateful to be a part of.

Oh yeah and  FUCK PORN

good stuff mate!

abbreviations and lingo guide here http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=21.0

Day 59!

Thanks Gaza!

So today was pretty flat. No real urges but was pretty busy and occupied with work most of the day. My wife got some bad news that really upset her and she called me crying. It really crushed me that I couldn't be there for her in person.

One thing I can say though is when problems with seeming no answers what arise in the past I don't think I was the man that she really needed me to be. With this particular issue my mind immediately started to try to think of solutions. I really liked that and recognize that that's not my common thought pattern or at least wasn't.

I never counted the days on any other attempts to break this addiction. But before I was educated on the topic I really thought I was just being self-destructive for some reason or lacked impulse control and that was my only problem. So every time my wife caught me in my mind and heart I would say this is it this is the last time! And would mean it every time. So what's the point in counting days on forever?

But I like counting the days it's one extra measurement of time that I get to walk further away from this disgusting family killing problem.

We made love again last night! That's two nights in a row. I'm sure I'm married to the most incredible woman ever on planet Earth. Afterwards she asked if I thought making love was affecting my reboot or slowing it down. I wasn't sure of the answer and wanted to respond truthfully.

Maybe I'll post in the Forum tomorrow with that question and see if I can get some answers from successful married rebooters.

Guess that's it for now

And FUCK PORN !

Day 61!

It's really crazy how my brain works sometimes yesterday I didn't write in my journal but woke up feeling super anxious and very depressed. I I thought to myself at least 20 times before I even got out of bed that I wished I was dead. Really nothing is changed from one day to the next and I feel like my reboot is going well. But I guess my brain is still rewiring and asking for that dopamine hit.

Anyhow today is much better I feel back on track as far as my emotions go no real anxiety or depression. So I just need to make sure that I remind myself that these love points will pass and I got to say stay tough with myself.

My wife and I didn't even turn on the TV last night we just talked for hours we were planning on watching Survivor. But we just kept talking and talking it is wonderful to connect with my wife on different levels. We ended up taking a bath together we have a super big tub so it works out great.

She mentioned to me that she's noticed that I'm more aware of people around me and just the subtle things that I normally wouldn't pick up on as far as her mood goes. Hearing those sorts of things are really encouraging to me and make me happy to know that I'm fulfilling some of her needs finally.

I really hate wastefulness you know stupid stuff like turning lights off when you go out of a room shutting the fridge every time you get something out of it even if you know you're going right back for something else. I'm so pissed at myself for wasting so much time with regards to my wife and family.

Some days I really have a hard time forgiving myself and moving forward.

I don't know if anything I put down in this journal has helped or will help anyone but at this point in my recovery it's helping me tremendously it keeps me focused on what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. So sorry guys if you're reading this and don't get too much help from it I feel like I have to be selfish and help myself before I be of much help to anyone else.

I love my family so much and I really feel like that anchors me in my resolve to never relapse again. I'm telling you guys find yourself a good woman that loves you and anything is possible.

Hey 4moa.

Really inspiring story to read. It sounds like you are on the right track now and making  amends for mistakes you have made in the past. Sounds like your wife is a great support for you on your reboot. Look forward to hearing more about your successes in the coming weeks!

Sounds like you are in a good place and that you and your wife are starting to connect. One thing I will point out as a wife and partner myself. Don't beat yourself up about past behaivor just focus on the future and who you want to become. When you feel like she is experiencing some hurt ask her what she needs. Don't be afraid to sit with her. If she needs space then allow it but make sure she knows you are there. It took years to create the hurt, it will take a while to repair it but every time you initiate the conversation or you ask and check in with her. That shows her that you are trying, you are improving, and that you care. It means so much. Keep up the great attitude! Also reading books and hearing about the partners perspective helps impact your reboot as well. My husband commented frequently about how that added a new level of motivation to his reboot. It helped him realise more of who he was and who he wanted to be. 1 1/2 years later he is a very different person. Still working on being better every day and we grow closer too. There is always hope.

Day 64!

Thanks web100! That really means a lot to hear that my story might be helpful to someone!

Yesterday started a little rough. I had to work Saturday in the morning. I called to say good morning to my wife and could instantly tell something was wrong.  She had been on Reboot nation reading stories from partners of rebooters or PA. I've read a lot of these accounts as well I definitely recommend if you haven't read them, doing so. I think its just a little more armor against relapsing.

My wife is so much better than me at communicating her feelings or  just in general opening up and talking. But I think she holds back for my sake about exactly how she's feeling. Maybe scared of saying something that would cause me to relapse?  At any rate I'm sure whichever stories she read, there were at least parts that resonated with our experience as a couple.


So the rest of the morning at work my stomach was twisted up in knots worrying about my wife and how she was doing. I met my family at PetSmart after I finished up work. I can now tell you I'm the proud new owner of a cat.......... I know what nearly anyone reading this story would think........ you poor bastard.

But it's not really like that the cat is actually pretty cool. Sorry that was just a little side note story. The tough part is that when my wife is feeling triggered whether it's through another person's account of what they've dealt with or just an image that pops up during a TV show or a certain scene in a movie. I have a hard time gauging what it is she needs from me. Does she want to talk to me? Does she want or need more apologies me reaffirming my commitment to never go there again? Or does she just need time to herself to work through her feelings?


So needless to say the day just felt really tense and at one point she did say that she just wishes she could get out of her own head sometimes. I know I've said it before but my wife truly is an amazing woman and mother! I really do feel that the forgiveness is coming much sooner and faster then the forgetting. I hope forgetting as possible to at least to some degree but I think there will always be instances that will remind her and I hate that.

But the night ended amazing, we made love and I'm telling you it was the most amazing experience in my memory! No joke I nearly passed out at the end! Then we woke up Sunday morning and before the kids woke up had a second round!!! No performance anxiety! Everything worked great! So maybe that will encourage some of you guys out there.

Just wanted to say for myself as a reminder, if I go back and read this if I'm ever feeling weak that HARD MODE to actually a very beautiful thing if you are in a committed relationship. Rebooting is only a little part of this journey. Rewiring to my wife is also very important!

Not focusing on ANY woman that's not my wife is what she deserves! That means no " innocent looking through magazines at the grocery store. No looking at real people that my be triggering and a constantly paying attention to what I allow my mind to focus on.

I know it sounds difficult. It is for a short period of time. But it's easier fighting those thoughts out of your mind when they're small. Then when you give your brain permission for ANY small thing it has the potential of turning into a runaway train.

This entry has actually taken almost 3 days. So that's it for now.  I really hope everyone had a good weekend I know weekends are tougher for alot of you guys.

FUCK PORN!!!

Aquarius25 Thank you soooooo much for the advice! Obviously I posted before seeing yours. And your advice is spot on. I didn't really know what to say but tried to make sure she knew I was aware of her pain and stayed close enough to be there if she needed anything from me.

But asking her what she needs..... What a great idea! I'm not being sarcastic.  Really why are women so much smarter or better at this " talking"  thing than us guys! It really does just drill down to the point and hopefully help both of us.

Day 66!

My amazing wife is in surgery and has been for the last 3 and half hours. She deals with chronic pain and we are trying to improve some of these issues.

That wonderful little dove was spending time worrying about my recovery or the possibility of relapse this morning before we left for the Surgery Center, instead of herself. She never stops amazing me!

For the last few weeks every morning before I kiss her goodbye I make sure to look her in the eye and say  " don't worry about today, I've got today"  I just like to affirm to her that I'm going to fight for us today...... And win!

Well for reasons I won't get into, other than to say getting the surgery scheduled and dealing with Hospital staff has been so stressful that if whooping the appropriate persons ass would have produced the result I needed it would have happened.
But with all this extra stress I've forgotten to give her that promise for the last 3 or 4 mornings. 

Last night as we were laying in bed she asked me if I had anything to tell her.  I didn't in fact I've been acting as if she were next to me through my days.  I only want to see my wife as something to desire. So until I can control my brain better I HAVE TO CONTROL WHAT MY EYES SEE. That means no second looks at a pretty woman in public. Pretty women are out there but I don't want to betray my wife with my actions OR my thoughts.

Another thing I've been missing.... because of my lack properly focused attention, is assholes are constantly checking my wife out.  We went to the grocery store together yesterday, and some guy and his wife probably in their 60s was looking my wife up and down every time we passed them. I was ready to break his hip....remember the stress I mentioned I was going through earlier in this post.

Was I that asshole just a few months ago? I think I or anyone reading this post knows the answer to that.  She made the comment that it didn't give her too much hope if this is how men still acted at his age. 

I am determined to prove her wrong at least in my case!

Well got to wrap this up I've got loved ones to text and give updates to.

FUCK PORN

Day 69

Just busy taking care of my wife and family. I have no idea how she does this every day and still has energy to even talk to me when I get home in the evenings. I'm  hiding in the bathroom trying to take a poop!  My one year old should be trying to break down the door any second.

Things have been easier than usual but that's because most of my triggers remain outside the house.

Just a little update for anyone reading this

69days

Morning wood pretty reliable every morning

Hydraulics are very receptive to anything my wife does

Mind is very clear and easily focused

So I guess that means there's hope for any of you reading this.
But I really think the takeaway is that pornis dangerous. How much poison do you want in your cookie? How much dogshit do you want in your brownie?

NONE!! There is no good or safe amount for your brain! We try and make good decisions for our physical health. The same thought should be put into our mental health!

Super busy. Gotta go

FUCK PORN!

Day 73  Nov. 28

Yesterday was Monday first day back to work after having a week off for thanksgiving, and my wife surgery. 

It was a tough day yesterday. I guess I feel like I've just been cruising. No real urges to fight through. Not so for yesterday!  It just seemed to be present in my head for most of the day. That urge to look at porn. I found myself continually needing to refocus my mind. But it was a scary thing to have those urges crop up out of nowhere.

I don't really know if these are things I should be sharing with my wife. It definitely doesn't seem to have a great effect on her whenever I've told her that I've had a rough day. I think it upsets her, no I know it upsets her that I have to fight through any urges. Shouldn't all of my urges be for her? I wish that's the way it was. Maybe it will be someday.

I just wish I never poisoned my brain to begin with. I am so thankful though that I found this forum! I've never kept a journal for the nearly 40 years I've been alive and I really do find it to be helpful in my recovery.

So I guess my takeaway for today is 71 days 72 days. These are great ways to keep track of my progress but I can never let my guard down no matter how easy the day or week or month before was! I've definitely red Enough stories of relapse after much longer. Than I've been able to do.

Yesterday at the end of the day my wife asked me to pick up a few things from the grocery store and I have been fighting these urges all day long. And I actually caught myself walking to the magazine aisle sure that I was only going to look at gun magazines do you know dude stuff.

And maybe I would have but by the time I got to the aisle I realized how foolish this idea was I just turned around I finished my grocery shopping. Likely in my state of mind I would have ended up flipping through other magazines and hopes finding pictures that would feed this desire. And who knows maybe a week or two or three I would be relapsing.

It seems so small are innocent it's just a few pictures and a magazine that they sell at grocery stores for Christ's sake but this group is really help me be honest with myself and I know at least in my current state of recovery where that would likely leave me.

So yesterday was a win! A scary win but I'll take it and learn from it.

Sending lots of love out there to you guys

The fight is real never give up!

And FUCK PORN!

Day 79  December 3

Sorta feel like I'm in a mini flat line, which sucks.

I think my wife feels like something is going on.....maybe because past history would mean that I should be about due to fuck this up.  My past will follow me forever.

I will keep trying to keep the lines of communication open, but i feel like she pulling back. Her mother has been here for two weeks helping while she was recovering from surgery, I don't know maybe that messed up our family flow. 

Guess I just feel sad that my trust bank is empty. My word is shit with her.  It's Sunday morning she's in the shower and probley wondering if I'm down here jacking off. 

Don't ever lie to the person you love. You'll break something you can never completely repair.

Sometimes I hate myself

I love my family