36m - Found out last week i had PIED

Hi guys.
I had a few encounters with a new gf that ended in ED. I though it was due to anxiousness or other factors (like the stories we all read here). I would get hard (70% or so), and after a few minutes, (or instantly after using condom) i got limp.
I tried cialis after a while into the relationship and it worked and i managed to get a erection at around 70% for a few times during a weekend, but never O'ed.
And i thought... I am no longer anxious. This amazing woman is so sexy and is trying everything to get me to O and i just cant. So i though "Not again, oh shit oh shit" and got limp.
So i am in a 2/3 week business trip and i thought: "I have to get more horny for my girl", so i PM and edged a few times in hope to get extra horny for her, and that was last week. I thought that edging would pump me up for the real deal.
After i read a few more posts and all i got the great conclusion:
"It's all wrong and i am a PORN ADDICT!"
I HAVE been consuming high speed internet porn for several years and got lots of PMO's, sometimes several times a day. I work alone at home and with a computer... So it all checks out!!

So i am trying to get rid of the addiction, and this is my 5th day without PM and 7th or 8th day without PMO. i edged for 2 or 3 days there.
I made a paper with squares to get to help me, and i am going to be back with my girl on the 8th day without PM. We will for sure try to have sex that day, although it may not happen before she has to go to work, so i can add another day before trying anything, maybe.

I had morning wood already maybe on the 2nd or 3rd day, but no more. And i am doing the kegel exercises and a light massage / touch without M or death-grip.

Here is the paper! After i finish this 5th day i will fill another square:




and i hope i can fill all this up!





I am using this post as a journal to help other and myself. I am a lurker for a few days and i realized it would be better to actually write it down!

Hey guys, another square filled!




Today I'm feeling sooo tired, but it is because i haven't slept much. I have been arguing with my girl over the internet (I'm abroad on a big business trip that ends in the 24th), and with the work i slept maybe 6 hours since Sunday (That's two night ago).
I'm happy to say this has not affected my will to stay away from PM, but I'm grumpy, tired, restless, alone, bored and sad. It can be the work or the constant discussions in the past days, but it can also help that these are withdrawal symptoms! I could really use some superpowers by now.
I have been making kegel exercises still, when i remember during the day to do them and i have been having some though about P. Fortunately, i still haven't feel any cravings so far.

So, this makes it 5 days clean and fighting in the 6th day!

Keep going! Got into it for the same reason, on day 30 now things are very much improved, but can always get better

Another clean day. Had a bit of a morning wood. Nothing much.
Feel a bit rested today, but still not filled with joy or energy or any of that. Could be of the huge time I've been at work.
My flight home was delayed one day, so I will meet my girl at the 9th day since no PM.
Currently I am at my 7th day with no PM and 6 days clean!
I don't have any random boners and when i massage down there i don't get hard of anything. Just a wet noodle. I keep doing light massages from time to time and doing the kegel exercises.
I also don't get any urges to go check P, maybe just a though or two about it, but i manage to quickly dismiss them fortunately.


Here is my helpful sheet. Each time i fill a square i am a bit prouder of me.

This appeared on my facebook feed just after i made my post:



Talk about passing a message.

I like your ticker better than mine.
A progress rather than a deadline.

Going to change.

good job man, keep it up.

Today i had a random erection when i took a nap, does that count as "morning wood"?
It was rock hard! I liked it.
This is my 8th day without PM and i am feeling a bit better than yesterday.



Thank you for the support guys.

I dont have the squares paper with me, as i am in the airport waiting to fly.
This.is the 9th day!
Im going to meet my girl in a few hours after 2 weeks apart, and i will take cialis for the weekend. Unfortunately i dont want.the.ED to.show and i dont think i still have the courage to talk to her about this.
Maybe it's not the healthy way, but it's what i can manage so far... I took cialis once with her and i kinda maintaned erection, but no O as i am desensibilized due to maybe a death grip.
It's kinda cowardly right? That's what i feel.

Thank you for letting me vent

Good afternoon all.

This has been a busy weekend, and i had no relapses. sooo, here is the control sheet!



I am now on the 12th day without PM and i have to say I still didn't feel urges. I have thought about porn, but i was able to quickly dismiss the images from my head.
But I am happy, this was the first time in several years i was able to O with PIV. It happened two days ago and yesterday. I know i used cialis to keep the erection strong and durable, but i had enough sensitivity (although it was not much, i have to say this) and was able to relax a bit to enjoy and get pleasure from sex with my girlfriend. And i have to say this: "It was awesome!" Took a while until i was able to orgasm, and i was a bit "rough" on her because i still cant feel very well down there. But i felt happy, and she did too. She was already thinking she was not sexy for me and things like that.
I got aroused so much easier than a month ago when i met her, and although i still cant feel much when she makes oral sex or uses the hand, the image, the sounds, the smells and all the other parts of making love got to me and i O'ed.
The second time, a day after, it was a lot easier actually! Maybe a huge stone was lifted from my spirits and i let myself go, but it was easier. I still cant O'ed whenever i am with her, but these 2/3 days were very successful.
This gives me more motivation to ban Porn and Masturbation from my life. Porn because i want to rewire my brain to actual women, and masturbation because i want to heal the damage made by the deathgrip.
She left for the her home already (She lives about 100km's away, and has to work today and tomorrow), and i was supposed to spend the night alone. But to even avoid the possibility of having a relapse (because i have read other journals where guys after orgasming had huge relapses), i told her i would go to her place tonight just to be with her a bit and would come back first thing in the morning.
I still have a lot of damage to heal, and I know I still have a long way to go.
Cialis is not the answer, but so far, with the drug's help, i was able to have amazing sex.
I tried to tell her about my ED, and the porn addiction, but i still couldn't. I feel a coward because of that.

So, here is the weekend's vent. Thank you guys for being there and allowing me to write this down. It's amazing.

Hello all!

It's been 32 days without PMO and i am on the 33rd day.
I masturbated three times (when i got really horny), and i had sex with a girlfriend a few times in this time, with 3 orgasms. 2 of them were PIV and 1 was masturbating to her. All these 6 orgasms were mind blowing and 10000 times better than those from Porn i have been getting for years.
I still feel a bit insensitive due to the death grip, so those masturbations i tried to use the less force as possible.
We've ended the relationship, so that sex with PIV is now over, and i hope i don't relapse because of that.
I have been on a flat line since about 5 days ago, but today had a sex dream (not a wet one, just the dream) and i haven't had the morning woods i had in the first days of the reboot.
I've had a few urges to check porn, but i have managed to fend them off fortunately.

Soo, here is the square sheet to track my progress!



Each line is 21 days.
The sports season is about to begin, but i work at home so i still have LOTS of free time just sitting around a computer, and maybe that can be dangerous. In the 2 sports practices we had, i was so strong and with very very good stamina. I loved that! Let's see if today, 5 days into the flatline, i can still keep that condition.
I have to be honest with your guys...

I miss my 2D girlfriends! They are always there, and i never get angry at them.... Is that a normal thing?