Expecting my first child. A new chapter.

My wife revealed to me that she is pregnant with our first child. It hasn't really sunk in yet and am experiencing the initial taste of excitement and apprehension but know I must chill out and go slow with digesting our news.

This comes on the back of a relapse and 16/17 years of m*ing to porn. I am done. I have known for a very long time that time is of the essence and despite my best intentions the cycle has carried out. This is the biggest wake up call of my life. It is now or never as I want to protect my wife from knowing anything about my addictive behaviour.

I choose health, vitality and freedom. I choose to empower myself and be careful with my thoughts as it leads to actions. I must guard my eyes and make sure that each and every day I consciously choose to do so, with a game plan I will be ready and prepared for the snares of pornography to entice me and rob me of my health and happiness. I will no longer allow myself to be beaten, not even once.

I COMMIT TO RECOVERY AND HEALING FOR THE SAKE OF MY WIFE AND OUR UNBORN CHILD. THIS IS MY REASON FOR LIVING.

Congrats my friend, that's great news!
Great opportunity for you to begin to think about your life and the person that you truly want to be.

Hello 32, congrats on the good news. talking from experience. Yes when my wife had our first baby i was off PMO for close to 6 months. Thot i was finally overcoming cos i had lots f pple in d house so no privacy and just the new way of life, taking of the baby etc. I was so sad the day i relapsed. So please really yes this may be  a good time to stay overcomed of this beast. BUT you need to really work at it, its not automatic bro. You got to keep fighting and praying. God help us all.

Congratulations on the news 32!! Sounds like you've got all the emotional impetus needed to beat your addiction. Anytime you think of using ask yourself if that's the kind of life you'd want for your child. Lead by example and you'll knock this shit out of the park!!

Thanks for your replies. I am at day 16. I just had my first 'impulse/desire' to peek following a trigger, but within a few seconds I shut down my tab and came on to this forum. I am aware that feeling tired today, but there are no excuses. Every day is a choice. Living a life of porn, deceit, cowardice and shame is not a world I want to bring my child into.

Even though I say this, right now I am not 'feeling it', but I know these are my values and the more I declare what I am fighting for the stronger my resistance and power to reject these desires or urges. They do not serve me. Living an authentic life and standing firm to my principles is going to make me happier and healthier. So no more regret, shame or remorse. But we must focus on how we are to shape our lives from this moment onwards.

Congrats.  16 days in is great so keep going. I have 2 small children and P&M effected all parts of my life including raising them. I was tense, anxious and moody for the better part of their young life's. Trust me, get a handle on it now while she is prego and you baby is an infant. It will pay dividends later when you child can walk and talk and respond to your emotions.

Thanks for your suggestion. I really feel happier having the space over the past couple.of weeks since staying away from porn. My circumstances is a massive reality check but I am also aware of complacency. All the good will in the world is not enough to change me. Rather it is conscious decisions that make me feel different. That is the growth which will help me.to mature emotionally and live a more responsible life. I must become that person so that I stop lying to myself and can actually enjoy my life..which will please god also include my family. It is my responsibility to fix this side of who I am and that will take massive effort and consistent hard work.

I'm feeling a bit down and anxious. Thoughts about having a quick sneak at p-subs is entering my head. I am trying to shut it out and also to reject such bad ideas. I am not worried about giving in today, but just want to run away. Aargh. This is the first 'hard battle' I have had these past few weeks. I will not give in. I must not, not even for a few seconds never mind longer. I am 100% committed to guarding my eyes from seeing anything inappropriate and to heal and recover from this horrible addiction that has stolen so much of my life. Peace.

...I had a few minutes where I switched off from my commitment and slipped into old behaviours..not terribly, but I guess it could be categorized as porn sub. In truth, what I chose to look at was not porn, but for me it was not acceptable.

I know that this detachment was because I am feeling negative emotions. Not to be hard on myself and its definitely not a relapse. So I must now choose to let go of these past few minutes of distraction and giving in too easily, even if it was arguably okay it was not okay for me.

Hi everyone. So I pretty much made it to 3 weeks, although first thing this morning I relapsed. I am so disappointed in myself as these past couple of days I have felt those triggers/urges creep back in; last night I knew that today I had to refocus my mind on priorities and to prepare with a game plan for such a test. Before I even had a chance to prove to myself that I have grown and am starting to make the right choices I find myself in this mess. As if nothing has changed. Except it has, I know that I have made changes and grown over the past few weeks. Only this old habitual behaviour has shown its ugly head and now I feel dirty, disgusting and full of shame.

It's the worst feeling in the world; loads of negative emotions as a result of self-destructive behaviour which we want so badly to turn on its head. Hearing the inner dialogue at the time of acting out but yet not listening to my higher conscious but carrying on regardless. Alas.

So where do I go from here? I have yet another choice to make: figure out the way forward, how I want things to manifest given the circumstances or pretend nothing has happened and carry on, which will probably end up in several more relapses based on my experience.

So obviously I choose the first option. This means I need to meditate and make conscious decisions each day (and to make it real by feeling xyz). After all, there is a lot happening in my life right now and to experience short term goals I deserve to be ready to feel and experience the emotions and to 'live life' not just go through it.

So I must try to take a step back, each morning and/or evening to be grateful. And to FEEL grateful. Then I can have joy in everyday life. Also, it could be easy to feel anxious about everything, so I must recommit to practicing mindfulness a couple of times a day. I must also not resist these feeling but accept them with patience: I have been using pornography for many years and it is not going to change over night. So I must not be hard on myself (but of course not make excuses and be honest).

I will now recommit to being the best version of myself and to living a more spiritual life.

Tough break on the relapse.  I'm only a week in, and the p-subs are really difficult to avoid in moments of down time for me, too.  You mentioned meditation, and I've had a lot of success with the Headspace app.  There's a free portion that's maybe a couple of weeks worth of guided meditation, and I found it so useful that I have a paid subscription now.  The most important thing I learned from meditation practice is to just keep after it.  Some days I get zero relief from meditation, and some days its huge, but on a whole, it has made me a lot better at gaining focus and catching a break from the non-stop thoughts.

32 - Does you spouse/partner know you are struggling?  If not it may be a tremendous help if you let her know. Trust me, my P&M use went into high gear after my first child was born. Fast forward 9 years later and another child in between and I finally opened up about it. Having her know and support me is a huge help.  I can totally relate to where you are at. Don't let that one relapse define you or your path forward. Use your call this week to get to a better place.

Thanks both for your comments, it means a lot to me!

Jay Dubbs  - Mindfulness does help me massively to reduce anxiety as well as getting a clearer head.

JS2004 - may I ask why you experienced use of porn after your first child was born?

No, my wife does not know. I know it be a relief for me and of.course I would be accountable but it would break her. Trust me. It would absolutely ruin her and destroy us.

I know from experience that when I relapse I tend to get myself into a bad cycle; this three week period of being in the clear (until today) was the first long gap after several months. But I can't keep going down that road. So I must get back on track immediately and make sure they every single day I feel 100% committed and that porn is not an option.

Reality of being a dad scared the shit out of me. Being responsible for a small child both emotionally and financially was very scary to me.  I'm not suggesting you will feel that way but the whole thing freaked me out. I was 34 and had a great job but it just scared the crap out of me. At that point I was using P occasionally but a month after he was born it not only escalated in frequency but in the type of P I was watching. 

I thought the same thing about my wife as well and you know what, she knows and she is still here supporting me.  Trust me, my P&M turned into a real life encounter and she is still by my side and quite frankly I couldn't have made the progress I have made so far without her.

Hello. I have been struggling these past few weeks and given in several times, including masterbating 2 or 3 times. I feel sick with guilt and remorse, but also scared by the darkness I find myself in. Very anxious and tense like my future depends on it. Well, it does!

Also had fatigue today and other symptoms of poor health; I simply cannot afford to re experience bad health like a couple of years ago. I must take care of myself and that also means not being hard on myself and learning to relax. But I am trying to through meditation, going for a walk, breathing, etc. This shit is difficult. i am trying to keep it simple though.

Anxiety of E.D. is the worst for me. Worrying about if I will be able to perform. Not wanting to raise my wife's suspicions. I know it's bad that she doesn't know, it's not fair to her (or me in a back handed way) b/c it feels like I have been lying to her throughout our entire relationship and marriage; she doesn't really know me, the father of her child-to-be. How shit is that! No wonder I feel sick.

But she can't know, it will break her heart and mind into a thousand pieces. I must continue to focus on giving and supporting her, loving her as best as possible.

Moving forward: I have started a calendar to mark 'Green' or 'Red' by each date to indicate success or failure. also with notes for specific dates if there are some form of event; hopefully this will keep me focused and motivated as I work towards various events.

Feel like shit, quite angry past couple of days. Trying not to take it out on my wife, it's my doing that is causing these feelings.

Hi there,

It's been a really tough week and feel really down despite doing my best to not be too hard on myself and to try and keep me head up, but yeah feel pretty crap. I have so much guilt but also anxiety given the journey ahead.

Hey bro,

Welcome! I'm about to turn 31, and soon to be a father of 3. Excited your taking this seriously.  I don't think this reality gets highlighted enough on here, but honestly, if PMO has been a large part of your life, your healing and path back to wholeness will be messy and filled with potholes. It's important to spend days beating yourself up afterwards, but get back up and keep fighting.

The book of Proverbs, the writer says "A righteous man falls down seven times, and gets back up." Keep fighting and when you fail, get back up and keep fighting. Our families are worth it.

Thanks cknfella. Last night I meditated and prayed (whilst drinking whiskey) which did me so much good. It felt like after a week of depression I started to climb out with a healthier state of mind. Had a good day at work but when I got home felt a bit tense with my wife; tried to just chill out and let things go, which helped a lot. I'm now just wrapping up some work for the day but as my wife is now sleeping and I'm alone temptation crossed my path. I considered it for a minute but decided against it and here I am. Giving myself up to 5 minutes before I turn off my computer but first need to achieve my goal (of finishing work!).

Today has been successful and I feel proud writing it : )