Hi everyone,
I'm back writing on the forum in a strange but challenging time. In short, I have continued to lapse in looking at stuff, mostly soft porn or porn subs. Whilst that obviously isn't good and is my demon, last night after a great day I was home alone and watched porn videos and masturbated. My brain was buzzing and all my mind could imagine was porn. It's disgusting and shameful. But then again, you and I both know that. The question is why do I constantly repeat this behaviour? I know from plenty of experience that it causes many problems, such as anxiety over E.D., poor concentration, sadness, guilt, etc - and lately a lot of sudden anger. A couple of weeks ago I got so angry and was shouting at my wife in the street that a policeman came over to break me up. I felt out of control and have a lot of guilt and remorse. But that still doesn't stop me from allowing triggers such as desire, loneliness, fear etc to act out.
I know the short answer: well that's porn for you! But if I settle for that I am not going to make any progress. And I desperately need to move forward and advance my life. I am trying for a child with my wife, changing careers and possibly moving home. That's three major life changes and I certainly don't feel ready. But I want to be. I need to be!
How can I stop 'giving in' to porn. More specifically, hope can I reject thoughts (which are based on fear or other triggers) and actually engage with my thinking brain and feeling heart to make the right decision - consistently. How do I NOT type certain things into google which I know will lead me to porn or subs.
The answer is to COMMIT to changing to a new environment (i.e. away from the computer or mobile phone), meditating, talking out loud and writing. In other words, consciously re-wiring my brain and making the right decisions. Tapping into my inner power because at that point I am free, no matter how difficult it feels, I am actually free to make a choice.
I am also 33 years old and supposedly a responsible adult, who is meant to be trying for a child etc. So where am I hiding? Why am I running away from life's opportunities and not re-writing the script. How can I move on to a new chapter if I am constantly revisiting the old chapters of my life?
Yes, I must change my habits but do I not also WANT to change? Of course I do. Well, that's my rational brain speaking. My brain has actually been programmed for 17 years to pursue porn to make me feel happy (scientifically to release dopamine) to cope with life. It only knows porn for the chemical rush (during porn) and forgets the incredible pain and suffering it otherwise causes.
But I do not want to continue my life playing risky games. I do not want it to interfere and cause problem with trying for a child because of E.D. etc. Nor cause problems with holding down a job or not succeeding in my career. I want to change to be a better version of myself; I will benefit from self respect and confidence, and a renewed sense of freedom, as well as helping to improve my relationship with my wife etc. So I MUST COMMIT to CONSCIOUSLY making the right DECISIONS on a CONSISTENT basis until it really is second nature for me to reject pornography because there simply is not room or desire for it in my life.
I'm back writing on the forum in a strange but challenging time. In short, I have continued to lapse in looking at stuff, mostly soft porn or porn subs. Whilst that obviously isn't good and is my demon, last night after a great day I was home alone and watched porn videos and masturbated. My brain was buzzing and all my mind could imagine was porn. It's disgusting and shameful. But then again, you and I both know that. The question is why do I constantly repeat this behaviour? I know from plenty of experience that it causes many problems, such as anxiety over E.D., poor concentration, sadness, guilt, etc - and lately a lot of sudden anger. A couple of weeks ago I got so angry and was shouting at my wife in the street that a policeman came over to break me up. I felt out of control and have a lot of guilt and remorse. But that still doesn't stop me from allowing triggers such as desire, loneliness, fear etc to act out.
I know the short answer: well that's porn for you! But if I settle for that I am not going to make any progress. And I desperately need to move forward and advance my life. I am trying for a child with my wife, changing careers and possibly moving home. That's three major life changes and I certainly don't feel ready. But I want to be. I need to be!
How can I stop 'giving in' to porn. More specifically, hope can I reject thoughts (which are based on fear or other triggers) and actually engage with my thinking brain and feeling heart to make the right decision - consistently. How do I NOT type certain things into google which I know will lead me to porn or subs.
The answer is to COMMIT to changing to a new environment (i.e. away from the computer or mobile phone), meditating, talking out loud and writing. In other words, consciously re-wiring my brain and making the right decisions. Tapping into my inner power because at that point I am free, no matter how difficult it feels, I am actually free to make a choice.
I am also 33 years old and supposedly a responsible adult, who is meant to be trying for a child etc. So where am I hiding? Why am I running away from life's opportunities and not re-writing the script. How can I move on to a new chapter if I am constantly revisiting the old chapters of my life?
Yes, I must change my habits but do I not also WANT to change? Of course I do. Well, that's my rational brain speaking. My brain has actually been programmed for 17 years to pursue porn to make me feel happy (scientifically to release dopamine) to cope with life. It only knows porn for the chemical rush (during porn) and forgets the incredible pain and suffering it otherwise causes.
But I do not want to continue my life playing risky games. I do not want it to interfere and cause problem with trying for a child because of E.D. etc. Nor cause problems with holding down a job or not succeeding in my career. I want to change to be a better version of myself; I will benefit from self respect and confidence, and a renewed sense of freedom, as well as helping to improve my relationship with my wife etc. So I MUST COMMIT to CONSCIOUSLY making the right DECISIONS on a CONSISTENT basis until it really is second nature for me to reject pornography because there simply is not room or desire for it in my life.