Me vs My Brain

Been using P: 25years
Married: Yes
Age: 36
Prior PMO use: 1-3/ day
Symptoms: Depression, DE, Antisocial Behavior
Reboot attempts:1
Goal:7 days- 10 days- 14 days


DAY: 2


I found this website yesterday while looking for reasons for not having any energy, motivation, and being depressed all the time. I found it very interesting and watched a ton of videos from the links.

The reality of what I was experiencing hit me like a ton of bricks, and I almost cried.

Could P be the reason why i feel so hollow? Like i am falling deeper into a rut?

I always thought it was harmless. I knew it wasnt really good, but i didnt realize how much it can alter pathways of the brain.

I am lost and feel so empty inside. My memory is crap, and I have stupid pop up thoughts about suicide and all kinds of scary thoughts that I feel are not my own. Hell, I don't even find the time i spend with friends and doing the things I normally like to do enjoyable anymore. Also, my relationship is struggling because I am depressed and I am struggling with DE.
It has become more of a real problem the last year or so, but I thought it was a good thing to be able to last longer. So i ignored it. Then It got to the point that i would lose erections during times of intimacy with my wife. I would have to think of P to keep going. Sometimes I would just find it easier to lay next to my wife after sex and M with my death grip in order to O.

My wife and I had actually made the decision for me to see someone about my mental issues last week, before I found this site.  I am still going to talk with my doctor about it. Maybe he can help with the issues I am going to be facing on this journey.

I feel like P is taking over my mind and my life. My brain's cravings for dopamine are now uncontrollable and I feel like I dont even want to be anywhere or do anything but PMO. But, afterwards, all I feel is demotivated, depressed, guilty, and antisocial.

I want to be a better man. I know that PMO is what is destroying my mind.

The cravings are real, its like switching channels on a TV when all of a sudden BOOM, I see images in my mind that trigger my cravings.
No anxiety or stress atm, just trying to keep focused on my goal.

I am stronger with each passing day. Taking it one day at a time.

Day:4

Went to doctor to talk about my depression and energy levels. I also told him about my mission to stop PMO. He recommended I get my hormone levels tested. So im going to do that. He said that I could really be chemically unbalanced and a blood test could show that.

So I am getting that done soon.

I am doing fine so far as long as I am not alone. Seems that is a big trigger for me. When I am alone and the only person I have to answer to is myself.
I am hearing my brain, it is trying to bargain with me. It is trying to convince me that I can PMO and be OK. My brain is telling me I can lie to my wife and say I did not watch porn while she was out of the house. But I cant lie to myself.
I cant do that.

I owe it to myself to see what my life would be like to reboot. No PMO.

DAy: 5 a.m.

Well, i am still hanging in there. Had a real test last night. I was up last night after my wife had gone to sleep. BIG TRIGGER....

I was literally pacing back and forth in front of my puter, talking to my self, trying to remind myself that my brain is fighting me. My brain did not give up, it just kept telling me how good i could feel if i would just PMO. It was telling me I could do it (PMO) and be fine. I felt my body go into what felt like auto pilot for a couple of seconds and i walked over to my PC.

Then..I started to focus on the temptation, and I WELCOMED it. I was ready to fight, and i was determined to win this small battle. I pictured 2 wolves in my mind, one being weak and small, the other big and mean. The small wolf representing all that is good in me and my willpower to be a better man. The other wolf represented my temptations and addiction.
   
I know that the wolf that I feed the most will be the wolf that wins the battle and will only get stronger. So last night I fed the little wolf. The fight was tough, I tossed and turned all night.
But, the little wolf is bigger now.

The bigger wolf is smart, I felt like it just let me win. Like it will wait until I am weak to really strike at me hard.
It was a victory, but I know that this is only the beginning.

I dont have to leave to work for a couple of hours today, and my wife just left for work and I am home alone. (well shit) another TRIGGER...(again)
I just won this battle last night, and now that I just woke an hour ago, the wolves are fighting again.


All I can say is, it feels good to type things out here. Gives me something to turn to.
Going to be tough, but I deserve to see what my life would be like to reboot.
My family deserves it.

no PMO, no excuses

Day 6: AM

Already seeing signs of improvement in my mood and energy levels. This is great.
My wife and I had sex last night and it was better than normal too! Usually I take an unusually long time and I lose interest, then she does, then I end up letting her go to sleep then I PMO.
Didnt happen!
Still having urges and stuff. It sucks, but I am telling my brain that I know its tricks.
I am looking forward to day 7!

You're sounding like you are starting out on the right track!  Keep it up and stay strong,  and don't let the flatlines worry you.

Your brain is re-wiring itself so hang in there Amigo. It can be a terrifying experience and the best advice I was ever given was to accept everything that happens, not judge it and let things take their course. Its called PAWS(Post Accute Withdrawal Syndrome)and its a good thing, even at the time it doesnt feel that way. Trust me everything will get better you just have to allow the process to run its course even if its scary.

Day 2:

Yup, guess it was going too good.

Not giving up!

I wish you success, man.

I battle this addiction daily almost for 2 years now... (that is since I discovered Your Brain On Porn website and realized what Porn did to me).

Few helpful tips from my 2 years of struggle:

Sadly, real sex with real person could work as a trigger too... it reminds your brain, how good the dopamine rush feels. Try limit sex with your wife first month or two of the reboot or at least be prepared that urges will be much stronger 48 hours after real sex.

While physical exercise helps to balance hormones in your body and is definitely a way to go, being exhausted after physical exercise sometimes works as a trigger as well. It doesn't even make sense, right? your body is already exhausted. But that's how it works for me.

And you already know two biggest triggers... alone time and internet connection.

And whatever you do: avoid edging!!! (that's when your brain lies to you that M without O isn't relapse. That is a huge lie... actually 2 or 3 hours of intense edging are much worse than quick release through short MO).

Day 3:

Thanks for the input! You are Right, I have noticed that after sex with wife the urges are stronger afterwards. We have decided that it is best to limit ourselves. Maybe down to once a week till things improve.
Overall though....I am getting there

I am on the right track, I feel a sense of pride building up in me. I feel like I have found something in my life that is worth fighting.

Mood is elevated and I am looking at all kinds of noFap videos and self motivation compilations. THESE ARE GREAT TOOLS ALSO!! I listen to them while driving to and from work. This forum is great also, and I like being able to put into words what I am doing. I guess being able to see it in black and white makes the thoughts about noFap more real to me.

Really looking forward to day 7. That will  be the most days I have consciously made the decision not to PMO in almost 20 years.