A new chapter?

32

Active Member
Quick post. Day 6 - feel like shit, really moody and lack motivation and concentration. Have been trying to reboot for years but finally starting to understand what this is going to take for me namely a conscious decision every day if not multiple times to stay away and replace porn or its subs with something healthy and productive like building my life.
 

gazz

Active Member
You hit the nail on the head there mate. That's exactly what it is. The fight is worth it and it gets easier. Have the forum be your go to place instead of other websites where there are potential triggers... or porn. Lots of good stuff to read here - tips and advice and support and success stories... keep it up!
 

32

Active Member
Thanks. I'm also having a bit of a crisis and struggling to open up to people about it - mainly work stuff, but couple with this disgusting porn habit. This week has been a great and consistent improvement in many ways, but I've learnt the hard way about complacency.
 

gazz

Active Member
Maybe tell your problems to a professional?

And the complacency lesson is just a lesson you have to learn. Sadly there's no quick way out of this. There are scientific reasons why P is addictive, it's not like giving up biting your nails. You're in a tug of war with your own brain. I hoped my last relapse was far behind me, but I had one recently, but they are more and more sporadic, and that's progress. i accept i'm working hard on this and choose to see the progress i'm making.

You have to be really clever, learn all there is to know, develop the magician, the warrior and the lover in you, and that takes time.
 

32

Active Member
Day 12.
I knew today was going to be a tough one, Monday's normally are as it's "back to reality" after a weekend; work is a trigger for me as I'm having problems.
This morning I have turned away from looking at anything inappropriate several times - this in itself is great progress. I have also been trying to be aware of how I am feeling (again a trigger); eventually it caught up with me and I started looking at subs; nothing 'bad' but admittedly inappropriate. I do not feel this is a relapse but I did tear myself away from it and will try not to feel bad or guilty etc about it; it's pretty much inevitable at this stage and I must still focus on the good which is that I regained focused and clarity and changed my behaviour and environment and now I am in a better place. Hopefully an even better afternoon awaits. Wish me luck and strength.
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Keep pressing on bro.  Fight the urge for subs, I struggle with those badly as well, and it always sends you back for more.  Great job pulling yourself away. Stay focused on the goal! Freedom!
 

32

Active Member
I did end up allowing the work related triggers to entice me to edge - wasn't porn but subs. That said I saw no nudity so am not starting the count again,  although I do of course feel guilt and shame as if I had actually acted out properly.
 

32

Active Member
Day 14. It's first thing in the morning and I feel like shit. Fatigue and very negative emotions. I have been a little under the weather the past few days, which has put on hold sex with my wife; im writing this because I had previously ruined our sex life as a result of this secret addiction and it still over shadows any excitement or enjoyment. My demons are forever chasing me and my emotions constantly up and down. It feels like a bit of a mid-life crisis, what with this issue and also concerns over my career.

I've read that the first 2-3 weeks are the hardest (to reboot), at least in some respect. Maybe I feel the way that I do today (like shit) because a couple of days ago I struggled and ended up peeking at inappropriate images online (although no nudity) before coming to my senses that we want to start trying for a baby very soon; this is also urging me on to stay focused on not be complacent. after all, how can I live with myself if my issue is what is holding up or destroying any chance of having a baby?
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Hey man,

Be encouraged. My story is similar in the sense that my marriage has been greatly impacted by my addiction, however the more you purse wholeness that changes as well.  Just like your body and mind can heal from addiction, so can your relationships.  Be patient, it takes a lot of time. I spent years in my addiction, so my marriage wasn't going to heal in 90 days, but you can take great strides.  Be thankful for every addiction-free moment, and continue to pursue her in love.
 

gazz

Active Member
Sounds like good progress to me. Well done mate. Mornings have always been tough for me too. I'm weak and susceptible to urges. I've never liked waking up - so PMO was a 'great' way to start the day (was actually an awful way...)

Have you read 'The Miracle Morning' ? was a game changer for me. start the morning with a positive routine and get yourself revved up properly. quick video overview here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv7zbiLVBQw

PS - would love it if you took the question mark off your subject title  :D
 

32

Active Member
Thanks for your support guys.

I will check out the video, but yes, I do acknowledge that 'motivation' is a must for me.

"pursue her in love" - I love this. I try to keep things simple, light and to do exactly that, to love her by putting her first. It's the only way without becoming self absorbed.

This morning my brain is shouting porn related things (which I won't explicitly say) which is bothering me a lot. I know that today I am sensitive and vulnerable although luckily I will be out of the house for most of the day. My head is buzzing though so going to try to mediate and relax.

Ps. The question mark in the title is there to avoid complacency and keep me focused. It's not yet a new chapter, but that is the goal.
 

32

Active Member
Feeling down this afternoon and porn relates shit is playing with my mind. Hating it.
 

32

Active Member
I nearly looked at porn; feeling low and looked at some 'model' type images online, and so nearly went to porn but switched off the screen and looked at myself in the mirror; made a conscious decision out loud. I made a decision not to pursue porn. But rather to focus on building up my life authentically - love, work, relationships, family etc.

I do not need to feel shame or guilt for 'stumbling' or edging even for just a few minutes. It's hardly a surprise given that I've been addicted to this shit for 16 years. But it is a week of commitment and repeat decisions and so I accept this stumble and also the improvement that I am working hard at. Let's stay focused on what's important and not momentarily self satisfaction.
 

32

Active Member
Day 16. Feeling happier (as in not depressed cos of p), but also down because had a big fight with the wife about our sex life. She's not satisfied with the quantity of sex although said the quality is good. I guess that's positive in a backhanded way. BUt of course I want to satisfy her with both how much sex we have and the quality of it. So today is yet another (repeat) decision to stay away from p and its subs, edging etc, so that I can focus on providing her with the sexual intimacy that she wants. But also, we're going to need more sex as she wants to try for a child; I've been mulling on this for a while now. I want a child too, but feel so unstable emotionally. that said' I know it's porn that has ruined things for me. I need time to stay away to heal and recover. And a reality check.
 

gazz

Active Member
(fyi - I wrote this before you wrote your most recent post)...

Hey mate

I do not need to feel shame or guilt for 'stumbling'

Sure, being hard on yourself never helps. If you've done something you feel was bad for you, think about it analytically - why did it happen? What was the lead up? How do I stop this happening again? Make sure you're constantly adapting your sobriety methods and improving them.

One thing that helped me in that situation was reading a bit of advice on the forum: Never act on curiosity! Since then, I've caught myself feeling ok, but thinking of just looking up a pretty actress to see... oh I don't know, but it feels innocent enough - of course it's not innocent and leads to a whole cycle of difficulty. Now I think - Ah! that's unhealthy curiosity! I feel a pull, but i'm not allowed to go there. big game changer.

It's great that you were a warrior in that moment and said NO! I WONT DO THIS. but it gets tiring to be a warrior with every urge. Think about what you're feeling in these moments. Recently, I got home from work, I wanted a feel-good reward after an unrewarding day, I was tired, a bit depressed, and cold! I was vegging on my couch under a blanket and of course urges started. I thought about how I felt, and chose a bath and my favourite mellow music - got warm, got relaxed, got happy, and afterwards, the 'emergency' had passed.

building up my life authentically - love, work, relationships, family

Those big reasons are great, but think about what your short term/ easy options are to avoid P, and have them in mind for emergencies.

well done on keeping focus!

hehe, and as I'm here, re your '?'. for banters sake... I would argue... this is a new chapter, isn't it? No two ways about it. You're here cos you can't live with P in your life. So sobriety is the only option, you may stumble, and you may relapse, but you'll end up back here trying to defeat the beast until you do, right? YOU can make it a long process by relapsing, or you can make it a short process by never relapsing again. It all starts here with this new chapter. can you imagine yourself thinking, 'this is too hard, I give up forever, i'm going to have to try and see how I can live a meaningful rewarding while PMO'ing once a week, I'm sure it can be done.' (just thinking aloud mate :) )
 

32

Active Member
Day 19. It's the morning after I had 'that conversation' with my wife..about trying for kids!

I've been anticipating it for weeks, actually a couple of months, which has prompted me to really step up my game. I say that because quitting porn is not actually game, it's serious. I couldn't live with myself if my use of porn or subs/edging continues whilst trying for a child , not with the affects of low libido, ed, anxiety, fatigue, etc.

I need to super charge my energy and happiness and to be in a good frame of mind. Now is the time to be extra focused on avoiding complacency and by having a 'battle plan' in advance of general use of my computer. I can't expect to be a warrier every time I have an urge, but I can expect myself to be 'ready' for those urges and knowing in advance what I will be doing to run away from urges and how to best replace them.
 

32

Active Member
This afternoon I worked from home, which is normally a very risky thing to do as I'm alone with work related (stress) triggers. But, today I was really focused on what matters and of negative consequences to acting out. I did have a couple of urges, but already had open tabs for articles like the one below, which I hope you find beneficial. It certainly kept me in check.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-author-speaks/201702/sex-addiction-101
 

32

Active Member
Day 21. Three weeks is a big achievement for me.

I am using this forum a lot more and trying to consciously make the right decisions. I have free choice and it's my responsibility.

I recognise just how easy it is to slip back into habitual behaviour so need to be on extra guard to make the necessary precautions. Even this morning, I had a work related (stress/low self esteem) trigger and types in something random (I tend to do that) but luckily the google images were of an island - so I was safe. And then I turned to this forum, read a few peoples posts and re-focused. This will take time, not just to 90 days but forever and beyond. I do not want pornography in my life at all. It will take hard work, consistent safe guards and measures to reach a zero tolerance mindset. But I am committed.
 

gazz

Active Member
3 weeks!! awesome stuff mate - a big achievement for anyone. like you say, take each day as it comes, work at it and don't start taking things for granted, but bask in the fact that things are slightly easier from now on
 
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