32

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32

Active Member
Hi guys. I've been working hard on personal development for a while, the last three months big time. I've learnt a lot about myself and how/why I've been using porn and how the addiction is really effecting my life. It's like clarity has really been found. Although edging was my problem for a while, and bar one time of looking at porn thumbnails (yes, pathetic but rationalising)..i have been doing okay (which is massive progress for me!) for a good few weeks/couple of months, although certainly not perfect.

However, last few days I've failed to get hard when intimate with my wife- i am definitely feeling anxious about sex and e.d. I'm also feeling major anxiety and a bit down because of withdrawal, which i try to accept and also to be mindful to ease the anxiety.

Today, Ive been working hard not to repeat past mistakes especially to be aware of triggers as y brain keeps thinking about porn (it is starting to miss it). I was doing well to manage emotions and triggers etc, but this morning I 'got lost' for 5 or 10 minutes and ended up looking at some inapproriate stuff (i guess soft porn at least as far as i am concerned) and acted out.

Despite the 'reality' of the problem, I can still never quite believe it when acting it. I was prepared to go through the hardhip of withdrawal knowing that it will pass, but as i said i kind of got lost and need to pick myself up. This too will take effort to get back to a good place.
 
V

Vardan

Active Member
Hey 32
Great that you have started the journal and shared your story
Get on the road, start sharing your experiences every day,
I believe it is absolutely possible to overcome this addiction
Step by step you will get there
And life is indeed much more colorful and tasteful without PMO
 
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32

Active Member
I've been a bit all over the place. Today I mis channeled my sexual energy the wrong way. I have E.D. and it sucks, but I guess I deserve it. But now I have a different sense of clarity, like I'm looking at myself from above and can't believe the mess I am now in. We're meant to be trying for a baby soon and i can't get erection and don't have sexual desire but i really want to want my wife and bring in passion into our lives. Its like i know the theory about having a game plan to tackle this head on but still act out. Enough is enough thought. It's causing me real problems and it's a time bomb, but I must not let it explode and must take real control over this situation - consistently.

Each and every day to ensure that I am relaxed through mindfulness and thinking positive things about myself and my life. I hope and pray that I can start to keep totally clean and reject any opportunity or excuse to look at porn, edge or act out in any way. It is timet o start shaping my life and growing as a person so that good things can happen.
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Morning 32 and welcome.

Edging has screwed me over more times than I care to think about. Whether it's to fantasy or supposed 'non porn' stuff, it's battered me in the long run where I end up back to square one.

Stopping my porn use is probably the hardest thing I've ever attempted. However, by treating this addiction on a day to day basis and taking positive steps, I believe I will get there. I try not to look too far ahead now, no matter what my brain and desires are telling me, it's easier to keep this in the day and get through one day at a time.
 
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32

Active Member
Yes, I'm on the same page - one day at a time.

It's a scary process, knowing that even after many successes it's so easy to split into old habits. But I have learnt so much theory about causes and triggers that I need to force myself to replace any temptation with something healthy - and simply not to engage with edging/porn etc.

Despite any fear, I know that it is essential to focus on being grateful and finding joy in our lives - each and every day. If we can stay focused on being positive and shaping our lives, then we stand a chance.
 
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32

Active Member
My wife knows something isn't right as we're not having sex due to my anxiety about being intimate with her. She's going through a difficult time at the moment (generally speaking) and last night was a rare opportunity for us to have sex, but when we got to the bedroom I insensitively decided not to (because of my anxiety). She's outraged and feels deeply rejected and unwanted, even though I say (but don't show) that I want her.

I do. I do want to be intimate with her and pleasure her, but I'm stuck in a bad mindset of guilt and anxiety. Even though I try to 'loosen up' and just relax, to be mindful, at the moment it's not helping when I need it to. We're in a bad way now, like our relationship is tainted with a lot of shit that has resulted from my years of addiction to pornography; if she knew I honestly don't think she would be okay - even years down the road. It will break her and our marriage, i am convinced.

This leaves me in an abyss and I am frightened to death. This latest upset has taken me back to a while back when I had thoughts about divorce and even suicide as a means to escape the pain. At least now I have no desire or temptation at all to look at pornography to numb the pain, but that said, I have no sexual desire for my wife. I want to have it, but I just don't. And that stinks. It makes me feel sick to think that this is who I am, it is what I have become. Even if things improve in the coming months, right now, she needs me to be able to initiate foreplay and follow through and my verbal expressions of 'wanting her'.

Our marriage needs me to step up to the game and commit to turning things around. I just don't know if and how I can do it.
 
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32

Active Member
It's been 3 days since my last post and 14 days since last acted out. I'm really feeling the withdrawal syptoms and it's horrible. But I'm bearing up. Today was the first day that I really took control and committed to a game plan. As if I've finally woken up after years of battling, I made sure not to engage with it despite the temptation or usual triggers. That said, I am down and fatigued! And it sucks. But hopefully it will get easier.
 
V

Vardan

Active Member
hey 32,
yes I had so far my worst days in somewhere 2-3 weeks.
be patient-they will go away
try to fill your life consciously with some staff that normally make you feel better - good food, books,movies (be careful with the movies though), hobbies,....etc.
be aware and prepared that the symptoms will be there
other than that - make some sport, it helps as well
I was reading also the book your brain on porn
found it very helpful

be strong, you will get there, and it will be easier evantually  ;) :)
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Yep, same for me. Between week one to three they were the roughest withdrawals. Does even out a bit after that though. It's your body and your mind's way of saying it's getting better.
 
I

ipamn

Member
32 said:
My wife knows something isn't right as we're not having sex due to my anxiety about being intimate with her. She's going through a difficult time at the moment (generally speaking) and last night was a rare opportunity for us to have sex, but when we got to the bedroom I insensitively decided not to (because of my anxiety). She's outraged and feels deeply rejected and unwanted, even though I say (but don't show) that I want her.

I do. I do want to be intimate with her and pleasure her, but I'm stuck in a bad mindset of guilt and anxiety. Even though I try to 'loosen up' and just relax, to be mindful, at the moment it's not helping when I need it to. We're in a bad way now, like our relationship is tainted with a lot of shit that has resulted from my years of addiction to pornography; if she knew I honestly don't think she would be okay - even years down the road. It will break her and our marriage, i am convinced.

This leaves me in an abyss and I am frightened to death. This latest upset has taken me back to a while back when I had thoughts about divorce and even suicide as a means to escape the pain. At least now I have no desire or temptation at all to look at pornography to numb the pain, but that said, I have no sexual desire for my wife. I want to have it, but I just don't. And that stinks. It makes me feel sick to think that this is who I am, it is what I have become. Even if things improve in the coming months, right now, she needs me to be able to initiate foreplay and follow through and my verbal expressions of 'wanting her'.

Our marriage needs me to step up to the game and commit to turning things around. I just don't know if and how I can do it.
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Hey 32,

I think in a lot of ways, doing it with a partner with no knowledge of the journey you're undertaking is so, so tough. Cause you're going to be going through things like flatlining etc.

I mean, I trust we'll all be better off in the end being rid of this addiction but it throws so many new emotions (hers and yours) into play if she doesn't understand what's going on.

If you don't want to discuss to her about the porn, maybe you're going to need to work on your marriage by being intimate with her without using your dick. Maybe like eat her out or just touch her. Maybe even be romantic and buy her flowers or something. Basically, things that will give her pleasure but won't put any pressure for you to O. The ED will eventually get better.


 
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