A troubled cure for a troubled mind

MY POSITIVE POINTS:

- After nearly twelve years of everyday masturbation to porn, I have stopped PMO 100 days ago circa (not remembering the exact start date is actually great!) and I last MO'd roughly 60+ days ago. I just did it once and I felt great - absolutely no drawback afterwards, no feelings of shame and nothing: MO can, in my opinion, be healthy. Unfortunately, we lack the confidence to make it just a "normal" practice after our common story, and that's why I'm currently refraining even from occasional MO at the moment.

- When me and my last girlfriend split up for "life" reasons (she went back to finish her studies in her country, her VISA in mine expired and with no chance of me following her) I've decided to have a break from the dating world. After all, I just needed it - I thought that would have been a great time to stop PMO as well, and so I did: I read YBOP, said "no more" and so it was. Never looked back, no relapses.. Nothing.

-I found my right path to stop the only addiction I had - PMO - by reading on self-motivation. I started taking dieting and physical exercise really seriously. Found this substituting an unhealthy addiction with the healthiest of them all - a balanced diet and physical exercise - to be a great way to fight the first month typical withdrawal effects. Whenever I felt down, I just dressed up and hit the gym, or a run.

- I also took up hobbies I had set aside - started writing, reading more books and listening to more music often to cover those scary "I'm afraid in front of a pc moment" of boredom, a typical trigger you guys surely know about..

ABOUT ME:

I'm one of those unlucky extro-introverts, the soul of the party that actually can't keep up a conversation unless the person he talks with is worth talking to. Depression is part of my life history as well. PMO destroyed one of my previous relationship and it took 2 years for me to figure out that the fault of the unsatisfactory sex life we were having wasn't even a lil' bit hers, but was entirely mine. More on this maybe later, it's just too "painful" to even write about it.


During these three months I had many psychological issues. I went back to uni this year and social pressure to join up group activities and clubbing lifestyle - which has never been mine, to be fair - brought me to reflect on my introversion - I felt many times out of my peer group.
Self-esteem was at the minimum as I was purposedly avoiding to hit up on the gentle sex - I have always been really afraid of rejection and being still in the recovery path I just didn't want to screw up. I gave myself as a deadline Halloween, as it would have been my 90+ days initial target - to start "dating" again.

..And then, weirdly enough, on Halloween it happened. I met a girl, we talked, we laughed, we drank and we had sex.

Now, I wish I could say the "sex" part has been amazing after such a long period of no activity. It wasn't. I had troubles to focus - as when I was on constant porn addiction - reached erection only after telling her I was a porn addict and opening myself for the first time in my life to this issue. Please note guys I've just met this girl seven hours before at the time - I was embarassed as hell. We had sex, she enjoyed it - I couldn't come. At all. I ended up fantasizing about her asking for a threesome, which was a mental trick I used back in my PMO days - but then I stopped, I just couldn't continue. Using old tricks just made me scared, that I haven't overcome anything and that while I have stopped to watch, my mind is still stuck in its old routine. I can't enjoy sex if I'm so scared of still being that far behind mentally.

A question, then to all my fellow fighters: how did you cope with it? Did you find yourselves right back on track after the 90 days? Or is the full enjoyment of sex practices a more long-term achievement? I know that I can't pretend to be cured of a 12+ years illness in just 3 months, but anything you guys can share on the topic (even some success stories more on this thing, if you know them) - would be greatly appreciated.


ps: the success stories always help! Keep it going guys.

Just a reminder to myself to read this topic here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/started-internet-porn-and-my-reboot-erectile-dysfunction-taking-too-long

Gabe's situation seems to be similar to mine. Luckily for me I've never experienced in the past 3-4 years serious ED.. So, phew.

ps: when I've said I "won" my battle against PMO, is that I know I will never go back to such a lifestyle. Ever - again. Just saying it makes you feel so good.  8)

Wow I'm a little bit upset. After reading some parts I've linked yesterday I discovered that mine desensitisation is indeed DE. I'm afraid I can't do sh*t about it and it will take months, if not years, to get better. I felt like this during sex for more than five years now, won't gonna change anytime soon I'm afraid.

Reading about DE made me think about it it's still a long way to be out of this damn circle. I wonder if it's ever gonna change..Oh well, better trying than giving up. I was thinking about of going back to occasional MO but all this reading made me change my mind.. for two reasons mostly:

1) getting back to MO'd doesn't still help getting rid of "bad habits" such as being able to come only when I touch myself. I've done this so many times - stopping after the girl came and wanking me off while thinking to porn related scenarios/fantasies... It's stupid even writing about it. It's a habit I want to get rid off. Guys if you suffer of PIED/DE just avoid masturbation - really.

2) I'm afraid of the 'counting days' effect. I've surely reached 90+ days of PMO, probably more than 100... and forgetting when I've actually started makes me feel good. Going back to MO would mean resetting the counter internally. I'm afraid this would lead to finding 4-5 day pauses acceptable, and then to "pavlov's dog"-like effect (classical conditioning, if you guys know what I'm talking about): I would start salivate when hitting that date and actually looking forward to MO. It was like this when last year I decided to limit PMO only to once a week and it never worked in the end.

So...... HARD MODE it is. I'm already at 64 days - target is 100. Can't wait to have O with a girl, though. I've had a ONS with a girl on Halloween and I'm really into her - we've been out on sat as well and going out soon. I'm not afraid of going all the way with her now after the first two times so that's already a great step forward.

ps: I know when I last MO'd as it was an iconic date - I had just moved in into my new house so I perfectly know the date. I lived it pretty nicely and felt no regrets, anyway. O was great and I could go only by fantasy about my (recently left) ex-girlfriend.. But HARD MODE is the way.

Day 65: went out with a girl yesterday. She didn't accept my invite over. F**K

Came home with sort of blue balls - on top of DE, porn addiction and all I also have varicocele on my left testicle - http://umm.edu/health/medical/ency/articles/varicocele which I've never had surgery done on it as... Well, it would have been a 1 month stop from PMO! Yes, I avoided a needed surgery because of my addiction. I may have problems getting women pregnant in the future.

..I'm just a mess.  ;D

When I first started I was dating a girl and she sent me home when we were at her place. Came home and had the need of not being home by myself as I was afraid I'd have totally PMO'd. I had to cut the relationship as it was just getting too tempting and she was... well, just bad. But she didn't know the situation I guess.

Yesterday I felt the urge of satisfying myself - but this time it wasn't much strong and could get to bed pretty safely.

Day 73: I feel down. Had an amazing weekend and felt the need to "rub one out" as I used to do back in the days after some time spent with other people. I've always been a kind of solitary person and I guess my habits did not help this either. I've resisted to temptation though I have had vivid sex dreams for the past few days and noticeable MW so I guess that's positive.

I've been dating a girl for some time now (two weeks) but we've haven't had any sex in the last 8 days. Yesterday I was at her place but instead of enjoying the moment I ended up thinking that she's probably not the right girl for me. I've always had problems committing to relationships but this shunning out to other persons that just want to see you and spend nice time with you is absolutely nuts.. It could be also a consequence of abstinence, I don't know. Seriously don't.

..We couldn't do anything anyway (girls' issues. ) but I haven't even felt much desire either. I feel a little bit 'down' - emotionally, physically (had an incredibly tiresome and stressing study week) and well.. sexually.

The only way to cope with it without going the easy path is.. Living with it, I guess.

I sometimes have pain in the left testicle.. What are the symptoms of varicocele ?
And is low libido and no erection a possible effect of the disease? Or im in the right place where too much masturbation did this to me xD

It's blue balls at his max Irvin. Test is pretty quick and varicocele may lead to infertility. I don't know whether there is a link to low libido (wouldn't think so as pain is actually caused by sexual or physical activity!)

However as it's a common disease (15% of men have it!) you could have yourself tested, it takes not even three minutes 

Read here (if you're susceptible, be aware there are some surgery images in it).

http://theturekclinic.com/services/male-fertility-infertility-doctor-treatments-issues-zero-sperm-count-male-doctors/varicocele-surgery-symptoms-treatment-repair-pain-cost/

Day 75: feeling good - had a super noticeable MW this morning. Never overfocus on it but when you can see it, you can see it.

In 5 days I'll be around 110 days P free.  8)

To everyone - have a look at this: http://www.highexistence.com/supernormal-stimuli-comic-seduction-senses/ absolutely brilliant comic and a great explanation of the hyperreality in which we live in. Let's all bypass the unreal, let's enjoy reality for once.

Thinking about all my exes, that have never known any of my problems. Jeez. One of my relationships got destroyed by my EDs. I won't ever be able to forget myself and I miss her so much. What would have happened if we hadn't to split up because of our sexual life? Who knows..

Congrats on making it this far and thanks for sharing that awesome comic btw, from savannah to city in 10,000 years... Humans are amazing animals.

LS90,

This is fantastic progress! Don't give up buddy, keep yourself busy and occupied and focus on this girl you're dating right now. I know we all have moments where we look back into our past, but if you want to move forward, you have to stop those thoughts manually and say "although I feel sad about this, I've accepted that there is nothing that can change the past and I have to move forward". This girl is a welcome distraction and will most certainly help with the healing process so make the most of it!

Keep it up man, I have faith in you

Great Comic... keep writing

Yelashade said:

LS90,

This is fantastic progress! Don't give up buddy, keep yourself busy and occupied and focus on this girl you're dating right now. I know we all have moments where we look back into our past, but if you want to move forward, you have to stop those thoughts manually and say "although I feel sad about this, I've accepted that there is nothing that can change the past and I have to move forward". This girl is a welcome distraction and will most certainly help with the healing process so make the most of it!

Keep it up man, I have faith in you

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You're absolutely right. I will try to be less negative and more positive, then .

Thanks guys for the comments. Again you can't imagine how many things change in 90 days of no porn - I have seen some of you are almost there and I guess we're all feeling the same.

Social anxiety issues are slowly descending, solitude and lazy sundays depress me less than they used to do and I can't believe how focussed I am on my future. Cutting my only addiction was the hardest and best decision I've picked this year. With all the up and downs and what-not, it has been a worthy ride. And it's only gonna get better. It's not self-motivation, is science!

On the science of porn addiction, this 15 min. video by Gary on TED is great. This video gives you the why you should keep at it, how you're slowly changing and when you can expect to see permanent changes.


On this, I guess we can also see why many of us choose silence instead of being sincere with our partners/families/friends. Even an educated public like the TED one can be overly criticising of the issue - they start to laugh. I was a little shocked by this, and then I realised that this is why porn addiction research is behind those for smoking/alcohol.

Porn is seen as something "fun" that you can see on "screen", maybe with your friends and partners, is something you can laugh on or have fun with: it is partially taboo in society but still accepted. Take drugs addiction - they are not. Even the minimum usage of light drugs is frowned upon - porn, on the other hand, is not. Yet the dopamine increase, the cravings, the physical necessity and the depression/social anxiety consequences are the same! How can they laugh about it? Would they have laughed the same if the panel was about aknowledged social issues like drugs and alcohol addiction? I guess (and hope) not.

I have yet to see one anti-marketing campaign against porn-addiction. I have seen several ads on television for people suffering from ED and of course we all know of the efforts of organisations against tobacco, alcohol and so on. I bet that in these recovery groups 90%, if not all, of the people are probably porn addicted individuals. The problem is, suprisingly, overlooked even from the organisations doing activities to solve it!

And yet, we - as a community - are the best (and the only) porn anti-marketing that exists and ever existed. YBOP offers you the tools and Gary and Gabe are just two of the heroes of the community - putting their faces on video, talking about issues we have only secretly read about, of which we are ashamed.

Maybe when I feel properly cured I'm gonna do the same and tell my whole story on video.. 

Celebrated day 80 with an orgasm with the girl I'm currently dating.  8)

Let's just say that 80 days of no masturbation made the thing the greatest orgasm I've ever had. I felt like I was in a freaking tumbler, shaking from head to toe... And I had a giant laugh. She was like "what the fuck?".. I've never felt like THAT. Boy. I don't even know how to explain it.

It was unbelievable! Three points for reflection though:

1) Had severe ED and couldn't keep a stable penetration. Fault was that she gave me oral and I got used to that strong stimulation prior to sex - had a really bad/cheap condom with me and that hampered my pleasure feeling so much. After the oral I barely felt anything with the condom on in comparison. Lesson for next time is: start with the lowest intensity and go further up with time. And buy better condoms!  :

2) I'm getting noticeably more sensible to hand touches to my penis. I was used to just my touches and I could hardly feel satisfied by someone else stroking it. Well, now I can safely say that enhanced sensibility is definitely a plus of hard mode. Hardly I could have felt such a drastic change in just 80 days if I hadn't done hard mode.

3) Had a really really slight desire of coming again this morning. Not a real chaser effect going on though, I'm still focussed on my objectives. Then I will think whether to allow myself super infrequent MO. We'll see. Had an embarassing not-so-morning wood in the bus today, lol.

The road is still long but the improvements on myself (physically and mentally) are so many. I feel so good!  8)

Man oh man! I read your entire story, and I gotta tell you, its inspiring. Im glad to see you have made so much progress!

Im and currently contemplating hard mode myself. Keep on killin it!

Penisphoenix said:

Man oh man! I read your entire story, and I gotta tell you, its inspiring. Im glad to see you have made so much progress!

Im and currently contemplating hard mode myself. Keep on killin it!

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Thanks very much! Being helpful and supportive to others it's my new goal. I realised if I had joined this earlier and read on more from someone with similar cases to mine (we're not many, but we are present ) I would have had less doubts during the dark 20-40 days of the streak.  ;D

That's what i call motivational 80 days hard mode, well done.

I fucked it up.

I had massive cravings all yesterday, I couldn't stay home by myself and found some friends to go to a sort of club-rave party. As I've decided to cut alcohol a tiny bit for some health problems, yesterday I was practically sober - just had a few beers.

Met a girl, danced and had a caffeine/ephedrine pill a friend gave me. The girl I'm dating (please don't judge me!) was there as well - I didn't know it. Felt a little bit anxious the whole night and in the end managed to grab the girl I had met earlier and went back to her place.

Massive, massive, massive ED. I couldn't feel shit. Completely desensitized. I don't know if I was tired, the stupid pill or what, I wanted so much yet I couldn't. I've never had complete ED since 2009 and having this happening twice in three days is a huge huge blow. I don't know. Maybe I should read some motivational stories by people with my same background.. But seriously I feel like shit! It has not happened to me in 5 years, and it happens now after cutting MO?..

I made a fool out of myself in front of the lady, and now I have blue balls. Solution would be right at the corner, but I promised myself to keep strong.. and I will.

Have a nice day folks!  :-\

My self-esteem is rock bottom at the moment. Can't believe it happened twice in a week, two weeks ago it went fine in the end! I have a destructive personality, I couldn't be happy with just a nice relationship, I had to fuck it up (she has probably seen me) and make a fool out of myself in bed in the process.. Ough.

LS90,

Congrats on your 80 days and achieving an orgasm with the girl you're dating! Really happy for you! I really hope that gives you the motivation to keep progressing

As for your recent... "incident" shall we call it lol, I wouldn't take it to heart. You guys are only dating and have not made any commitments so she should respect that you have the right to get with anyone you want. Granted, that it doesn't help that she was there, you still technically did nothing wrong. On the flipside, though, I know it sucks to see the person you're interested in and developing feelings for get with someone else as it can cause some emotional pain, but "relationship law" states that, unless you've made commitments, you're free to do what you want (and let me just say that I absolutely HATE that that's true ). Is she still talking to you? Maybe it's best for you to have a chat with her about it. You're both adults and there's no need to play any silly games. Tell her you're really interested in her and lay a few cards down on the table. If she's understanding, then you can tell her how you feel and what not. If she's tripping, you'll have to accept that for what it is. Heck, you might have dodged a bullet in the process

Only you know what this girl is like, so base your decision on that. Best of luck to you bro! And keep your head up! (your actual head haha)

Yelashade said:

As for your recent... "incident" shall we call it lol, I wouldn't take it to heart. You guys are only dating and have not made any commitments so she should respect that you have the right to get with anyone you want. Granted, that it doesn't help that she was there, you still technically did nothing wrong. On the flipside, though, I know it sucks to see the person you're interested in and developing feelings for get with someone else as it can cause some emotional pain, but "relationship law" states that, unless you've made commitments, you're free to do what you want (and let me just say that I absolutely HATE that that's true ). [...]

Only you know what this girl is like, so base your decision on that. Best of luck to you bro! And keep your head up! (your actual head haha)

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Thanks man for the words - I seriously felt crap yesterday and I spent the whole day outside home.. In the end I took a coffee out with the girl, she hasn't seen anything so I did dodge a bullet! That cheered me up a tiny bit.  ;D

Although I did tell her last week that we were both free to do anything in my opinion. She seemed a little bit 'surprised' but respected that.

I've reflected a tiny bit on my ED problems.. I should probably have more 'rough' sex. Always enjoyed that - but it's a double-edged sword as crazy hot situations may get me even more nervous..

I did have these problems for years so I can't pretend to see them disappearing magically, now, can I? . I guess I should just accept that ONS are not for me. Hardly had good sex with girls I didn't feel a more-than-physical connection.

Having said that, I'm not blaming forced abstinence for my recent ED. It may have been a cause but I have to accept it as the problems are overcome by all the absolutely positive feelings and mind changes I have felt. Life is not all about sex, and the reboot is slowly bringing me to be a better person. To stick at it it's not an option, it's a mission!

Have a good Sunday everyone!