Furious

Warning: VERY ANGRY RANT AHEAD

Things have been going well, we're just over three weeks into my husband's reboot. The day before yesterday he admits to me he had an urge to m earlier in the day and while disappointed, I am actually really happy that he told me. 98% of my trust issues with him are not from actually watching porn, but the lies and lies by omission, so I felt this was a huge step.

Last night he comes home from work but something seems "off" at some point. I can't put my finger on it, just feel that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach and the static/shattered feeling in my body. I try to brush it off, but don't get the courage to ask him how the reboot part of his day went until we are finally in bed. He first says he had a good day for the most part, then that  long pause. Finally he says he saw an article about an actress you'd never believe was topless (complete click bait garbage!). And he clicked on it. He proceeded to read the article and found himself wanting to google the pictures, but stopped. I'm glad he stopped, and I'm glad he told me; and I tell him all this. I don't want him to clam up and fall back down. He also mentions that he's been getting up later in the mornings to go to work to take away that time he usually used to PMO, which I tell him is a great idea. But that nagging feeling still wasn't settled after this. We talk a bit more, have a decent conversation about morality and how we each feel about people who cheat on their partners, and eventually fall asleep.

This morning I wake up as  he is gets out of bed and blow him a kiss to let him know I'm awake. He leans over and kisses me, then heads downstairs. I try to fall back to sleep, but a few minutes later I have to really use the bathroom so I go downstairs. I find him on the couch, curled up under a blanket. If he's taken away his extra time then surely he shouldn't be curled up under a blanket taking a nap! I pee, come back to the living room and confront him. He says he does get up later...blah, blah, blah, and that he isn't doing that (PMO) in the morning. Honey, actions speak louder than words, especially when your word is absolute shit. I had finally started to not necessarily trust what he is saying, but not instantly take his word as a lie. After finding him down there with time to spare after telling me he had just gotten rid of that extra time, well, his word is shot to hell again.

I go back upstairs and look at his home cell phone (he has two because his job won't allow him to have a camera phone and he feels entitled to have a camera while off of work, fine, it's 2016, I get it) and look at his alarms. Still has the old alarm times in his phone and doesn't use the weekly setting so there is no telling what alarm he is using. I haven't snooped on his phone in well over a week now, for myself just as much as for him, but I can't stop myself in my rage. He's got Twitter, Facebook and Instagram all up, and I can't help but think about what he's cruising for on those and thinking that it is "ok" since he just "stumbled" upon it rather than searching. What a childish, passive approach. Is that how you think you'll become a man and take ownership of your addiction?! Are you that f$@&!-& stupid?!!! Then I pull up his web browser, under the private one I scroll through the suggestions or whatever it is that comes up with recents and favorites and see he viewed an article about nude pictures being leaked of a politician's wife. Funny, he didn't mention that one, he just mentioned how he's been a good boy and didn't go looking for pictures after reading that other article. I pull up the article and sure enough, there are semi nude pictures in the article that leave little to the imagination. I am seething in anger at this point, go downstairs and try so hard not to rip into him. I raise my voice, something I seldom do, but manage to control some of my rage. He stares dumbly at me, and says it was just a political article, and that he forgot about it because it was some "dumb little thing." Seriously?! I told him I don't think he believes me that I'll take his son and leave, that he hasn't hit his rock bottom yet and isn't going to change. He tells me he does believe and that he is trying so hard and has never made it this long before and it's because he's had my help this time. I just want to scream at him. I calmly tell him that he isn't trying hard enough to combat what porn has done to his mind, that if he were then he'd be avoiding the places on the internet that are littered with pictures for him to stumble upon, that he would have read more about porn addiction by now. He says he's been trying to buy doesn't have time, I called him on his bullshit. If he had time to read those articles about the nude women then he sure as hell had time to read about his addiction. He's always on his phone, he spends a ton of time reading and listening to podcasts on politics, has watched nearly every one of his NHL team's games this season as well as other teams. He gets off of work at 2 pm every day and we don't go to bed until 10pm. The man has plenty of time. What he doesn't have is a pair of balls to stand up, be a man and take some responsibility in his life. All he's done is post a bit on here and try to avoid P and M the past three weeks. I'm not an idiot and I know that that is a huge feat but without educating himself and taking a serious look at what is causing him to turn to P then he will always lose. I've wasted 13 years of my life on him with his lies and deceit. He's got another thing coming if he thinks I'll keep sticking around if he wants to half ass this recovery. I will be his biggest supporter, as I have the past 13 years, giving it my all, but if he can't give even 60%... then I need to get started on my new life and either find someone who really loves me or maybe just a sugar daddy and we can send him post cards from our sailboat in some tropical location and he can go be a whiny little boy beating off to fake women with daddy issues on a screen for the rest of his life till his dick no longer works. Sounds like a match made in hell, it's perfect. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

I warned you guys that it would be a rant. Phew. Now that THAT is of my chest, I think I'll go take a shower and start my day. Hope the partners reading this at least get a good chuckle at the end. Lol! There are good days and bad days, I think we can all agree where to file this one.

Hi tanb,

so sorry you have to deal with the anger again! It's all consuming and it makes you feel hopeless. I felt it many times before and I'm still recovering from my last blast. But please keep in mind: This is not the good time to make important decisions.
Your story proofs (again), that the hiding and the secrecy makes everything much worse.
Hope you will feel better soon!!

I'm sorry to hear this. I discovered my partner was looking at clickbait trash of boobs and bikinis the very next day after he quit porn, and to make matters worse he not only denied it with his good ole "can't remember" lying routine he absolutely raged at me and somehow made out I was the one in the wrong, that I was snooping and somehow it's me raising the subject that's creating all the conflict. I had been working so damned hard to get things back on track. I'd been through the hell of trickle truth, all the lies and denials before he would admit to the bare minimum he could get away with. I'd got over that and then I found this shit in his history. I had spent the previous day in pieces telling him how I felt throughout all those years and he swore it was all over, blah blah. Finding this shit made a mockery of all I had been believed in and what I thought I was building - an honest, respectful relationship. And it all fell down in an instant. Sexually, I became repelled by him. He would touch me then go and look at that shit? Honestly, I wanted to throw up. That's how I felt about him. A revolting old creep with a dirty, seedy mind. And try as I might, from the day I discovered that and brought it up I have not felt the same about him.

If he had been honest about it, it would have made all the difference. But he wasn't. He became aggressive and quite honestly his shouting at me was so traumatic it might as well as been a punch. It was that violent. Not physically violent, but a huge emotional punch. And from that day, we'll all I can say is that he fucked up big time.

Trust - you are right. One thing I have learned is to stop expecting honest answers and full disclosures. He will never ever be honest as far as I am concerned. He had many, many chances and he chose to lie. Even when telling the truth wouldn't have been such a big deal. But he chose to lie and that's the kind of man he is. A man who lies to his wife and gets mad at her for not believing him. So I can't trust him in the same way I used to. He had my trust and he abused it for years by playing me for a fool. He thought he could just lie his way out of anything and be believed. Now I mull things over before I even think about believing anything he says.

Yeah sure, it's an addiction, he's craving dopamine and all that shit. We get that. But what does dopamine abs delta phos B have to do with being a liar and losing it like a kid throwing a tantrum. Is that "addiction" or is that being a total shit?

Hi EB,

I see you also have to deal with a lot of anger. And we have every right to be angry. But... I do believe that lying is part of this/any addiction. Addiction comes with shame and guilt, pretending everything is fine, trying to be someone you're not, hiding stuff, not telling whole truths. Don't get me wrong: an addiction is not an excuse, but (to me) it explains were the lying is coming from. My SO is a very gentle, decent guy and the only time he lies, is about the porn (or P-subs). I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him completely again, but that depends on his progress from now on. Time will tell.

I wish both of you will find some peace soon, cause this anger makes everything so hard.

Emerald Blue said:

Yeah sure, it's an addiction, he's craving dopamine and all that shit. We get that. But what does dopamine abs delta phos B have to do with being a liar and losing it like a kid throwing a tantrum. Is that "addiction" or is that being a total shit?

Click to expand...

Honestly, I think it is the latter. Sure, porn addiction is very difficult to deal with, and there is so much shame and guilt going along with it - but that still is not an excuse for notorious lying and deceiving, and I think a lot of very open and honest addicts around here prove that it is not a necessary symptom of porn addiction.
(Well to be fair, I'm sure there are a lot of people who are constantly lying and are not PAs. In the end, not every bad thing in the world is linked to porn )

Tanb, I'm so sorry.

I swear, the continued explosions are the absolute worst. You think the bomb of pmo and all the past lies and crap are horrible and enough to destroy you, but when it's all out in the open and you get fed the typical "I'm going to fix this! It will stop!" crap, and it doesn't, it just gets craftier and more calculated, that is the bottom.

Being an addict and being a pos are two separate things. My thanks to the pa's on my home board for making that crystal clear to me.

Loleekins, wow. You are so right, it's like walking blindfolded through a minefield waiting for the next bomb to explode. No wonder we partners have PTSD from years of this behavior!

So any of you guys have articles to back up the whole debate on the lying aspect of addiction? Because if being a pathological liar doesn't go hand in hand with PA then it would be nice to know what I'm really facing. My husband is a great guy in all other aspects of life, but, well, you guys are starting to get some of the picture. Imm starting to wonder if some of these guys have been living a double life for so long that they've created a real split personality issue. Guess I'll be doing more internet searches for answers over the next few days. Thanks everyone for being a sounding board.

I do agree with hoopval on it being part of the addiction, the lying. My husband had lied constantly the first few months but I do think that he is starting to get better. I haven't caught him in a lie in a little bit now which doesn't mean he's not lying but I do believe he is not.

I agree with the lieing and sneaking goes with PMO without a doubt.
But in my case thats all he has lied and sneaks about is that trash.
Other wise hes a honest guy and we always shared so much of are feelings and thought together on everything besides -------PMO.

Lieing and sneaking is part of any "ADDITION" and just like with any addiction they tend to escolate and get sneaker and some times even worse.

I dont want it in my life again either.

Trustandnewbeginings-  he has to block any sexual content out completely in order to get better.
Even just " pictures " you have every right to be angry.
My husband has no internet acsess on his phone, anything multi media gets sent to mine.
sure he could use certian things for our buisness but he said SHUT IT OFF - BLOCK IT!
Guys have asked him why dont you have internet - I dont want it! End of subject.
And certian guys he has told why and warned them- like he said the choice is now on them to believe me or not but they will find out eventually.

Smoking cigarettes is very very hard to quit and is a addition and people do quit and go threw terrible withdrawals, but once they get past them they can be around other smokers and not smoke.
Why is that - beacuse they truly dont want to smoke anymore they have given it up.
And they want to live a long healthy life.

And then you got the others that the addition controls and they sneak a cigarettes here and there ( shh dont  let so & so know ) and the next thing you know they are smoking fulltime again.
Thats not being a lier thats being weak to the addiction.
But when your SO asks you - have you smoked and you so NO way i would never honey
You are then a LIER and a addict!

Im saddned for everyone its destruction of relationships it makes me sick and angry!

STOP MAKING THE WOMAN WHO LOVES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT!

Anger, yes, I'm angry but it's either getting the angry feelings out or retreating into depression. I've had too many years of choking back all the pain.

I do believe in my partner's case his lying is partly due to his upbringing in a family where saying as little as possible and saying nothing were the ways they dealt with family crises, and there were a few outright lies too. I acknowledge that lying is also part of the addiction but now the addiction cycle has been broken, why keep lying? The shocking thing is that his lying (especially lies of omission) has been going on for years, even before porn. I probably would have thought that he would only lie about the porn etc but I've learn that there is plenty he hasn't told me. Not necessarily major issues but it serves as a demonstration as to how communication can fall away because keeping part of your life separate from your spouse can seep into other areas. In the end, I felt as if I had been put in a separate compartment.

I know that he feels very uncomfortable about me knowing about what he watched and about the online world of porn. I can talk about it objectively if the subject comes up but he can't. Perhaps that's all part of getting beyond the addiction so I will respect his wishes but it makes it difficult for me to understand him. Since d day, there has been a lot of frustration. The lies don't help me to recover. That's what he doesn't get. I need to recover too and now I have to recover from the lying that followed after he quit. Trickle truth, etc etc. Just don't lie. It makes everything worse.

I will share this here it may apply.

When My SO was the lying sneak with PMO and Ceilas/doctor.
Here is how him coming home after work ALWAYS went. 
How was your day,what went on?
I busted my ass all day I need a Beer ( 12 pack ) complained briefly and that was the extent.
Goes plays video games as a front to " fool Me " ( he has NOT played video games since discovery NOT ONCE )

Now its a full blown story ...this this this and this, I actually get attention and a response.
So to this day at times i wonder what else am I missing?
But you know what as long as he stays clean and I make sure of it I don't even want to know anymore at this point.
How much more pain can one take - ZERO!
Whats going to change it?
I don't have a STD so that's a plus.

There were and are still  times I would rather leave than ever even find out if there is more and then my mind says Give him 1 more chance Just 1 more.
Its driving me insane.

My SO has went from lies to now HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING there is no in between.
But if that keeps his hands out of his pants yeah o.k your "right"
Though it drives me crazy and sometimes I wont settle for right when he is without a doubt Not.
Its hard to swallow because he didn't care about nothing when he was in his PMO secret life and now does.
Strange how that works isn't it.

Because of my husbands ED and the aftermath (paranoia when going to have sex) he now gets performance anxiety occasionally. I know the difference because his pied didn't get better no matter what we did but when it's performance anxiety, it can go down while we're having sex. We change gears, maybe have some foreplay and it's back in 5 minutes as strong as ever. His PIED, if it did come back when he lost it (rarely), it was only semi hard. My point is, today we were talking about why he's is having anxiety performance still. We were past it once or twice already. He says he is somewhat anxious about it when we go to have sex because if it happens I always am worried he's "up to something". So we get on the subject of lying. I said, I wouldn't doubt you if you hadn't of lied so much. You say your not lying now but you've said that before, while you were crying with me over my pain, swearing you weren't lying while you WERE Lying!! So I asked him, why did you lie then and what's different now? How can I believe you NOW? he said that before when we would talk about it and still i guess, talking about, say, masturbation a lot or something will then cause it to be on his mind a lot which will then cause temptation. The same as other subjects, like checking out girls and etc..... That bothers me so much. Why is it such a struggle for them to NOT want to check out other women and lust after others?? He also said that he thought it was better if I don't know. Then I won't get upset and it won't hurt me. Plus he found it embarrassing. He felt he could deal with the issues on his own and get better and then everything would be great without me ever needing to know. I said, that's the exact mind frame that led you into PMO. Refusing to confide or share with anyone. Then because you were keeping it all to yourself there was no one to tell you your thinking was skewed. He said, he realizes that now and he fully realizes we need to work things out together now. He claims he now realizes that to fully know each other we have to be open about everything. So, I told him that's from now on I won't get upset if it's not "working". That I'll  just assume it's anxiety and I'll trust that he's telling me anything that needs to be said, which in short is EVERYTHIING!

One problem my SO has is that when he has admitted to things I get upset or angry and then he thinks that telling me causes more problems than not telling me, so according to his logic he would be better off saying nothing. I have had to tell him that just because he admits something it doesn't mean that it won't hurt. But generally speaking, I have far less difficulty with what he has been honest about than the denial/lying/partial truth trickle truth routine. And yes, I've heard the "I've told you everything" one, only to discover it's not everything. And I have asked the same question "if you've told me everything, why should I believe you when you said that before and it wasn't true?"

I've given up on "the truth". It doesn't mean the same as it used to. I don't mean that in a cynical way, I don't see truth in terms of absolutes but more as knowledge is always incomplete to some extent and subject to interpretation. Like SR I have had to ask what material difference would having more specific knowledge make to my decisions, and I guess the answer is that it probably wouldn't influence me sufficiently to make any drastic changes. And yes, like SR I have considered just how much more pain can I take? I have enough pain and heartache to recovery from as it is and enough stress to deal with in the rest of my life. The trickle truth scenario was bad enough, just when you get used to one discovery, you find out something else, and then something else... sometimes you need to heal and I haven't healed from what I've had to come to terms with. In some respects it's only just sinking in. I know he's sorry. I know he lost sight of what we had together but the thing that really hurts is that he lost sight of how strong my love for him was (and still is), my unwavering commitment to our relationship, my tolerance of his behavior which he knew I wasn't happy about. He knows it now.