fetishpornaddict
New Member
Sorry guys for the really long post. I have described my weird sexual journey till date. I would really appreciate it if you could read my entire journey/ situation and let me know your thoughts and comments. So here goes:
The earliest memories I remember of feeling any sexual pleasure was when I was about 3-4 years old and I distinctly remember that the source of the pleasure was not from watching a woman in revealing clothing or any sexually suggestive posture; it was from watching a woman being held by the throat. As weird as it sounds the earliest memories of sexual excitement I have, all came from watching a woman being held by the throat in movies or TV shows or witnessing events in real life when someone playfully grabbed a woman or a girl by the throat. However, I also remember being turned on by looking at beautiful women that I encountered in real life or in movies, magazines, TV shows etc. Slowly as a few years went by, I remember being attracted to women?s nails, especially beautifully colored or manicured fingernails as well as toenails. I recollect trying to get a glimpse of the hands and feet of every attractive woman I encountered in order to check out her nails. Slowly, I believe somewhere down the line this propensity of mine to check out fingernails and toenails of all the women I came across led to me being increasingly turned on by feet. I began to have a very strong attraction to female feet. This was all before porn, I am sure of that. At this point, I was around 10-11 years old and I started to masturbate by lying on my bed, on my stomach and rubbing my penis on the bed. I had not yet reached puberty and hence didn?t ejaculate, but I remember doing this for long periods and experiencing great pleasure. While doing this, I would always fantasize about the scenes I had watched on TV of women being grabbed by the throat or of women?s feet or of the women I had encountered in my life.
Around the age of 13, for the first time I had access to the internet. I distinctly remember that the first time I had the computer to myself without anyone around, I took the opportunity to Google images of women being choked or held by the throat and I did not have any idea about sex or the mechanism of how people have sex at that point. I had no clue that women had something known as a vagina! I spent the next few months surfing for images and short video clips of women being choked or of women showing off their feet, whenever I had access to the computer and some privacy. This continued for a few years and I had found a few websites dedicated to foot fetish and a website centered on breath play which had pictures of women being choked. I hit puberty and discovered the traditional method of masturbation and continued masturbating to these two kinds of videos and images. Most of these videos and images did not contain any nudity and I was hardly exposed to a naked female body during this period. However, I would be incredibly turned on by images and videos catering to the fetishes I had developed. During this period, I used to notice only a woman?s neck and her feet and was never interested in or paid attention to any other part of her body. All my fantasies of the women and girls I came across during this time, would center on me grabbing them by the throat and choking them or admiring and being able to touch and kiss their feet. This continued for a good 3-4 years. I pretty much used to masturbate everyday either to these kinds of clips and images or my fantasies.
When I was around 19, I for the very first time in my life, I watched an actual porn clip i.e. a man and a woman naked and having sexual intercourse. To be honest, I wasn?t very excited by it and felt that my fetishes excited me far more. However, in due course I came across clips which combined sex and my fetishes i.e. of women being choked during sex and foot fetish porn (footjobs, foot licking etc leading to sex). This seemed to be the perfect blend for my sexual tastes and I started devouring this material and fapping to it constantly. At around this time, I got my own personal laptop and now I had access to high speed internet in the privacy of my room and my porn use skyrocketed. I used to spend hours browsing porn and edging to various clips and spent a lot of my money on buying fetish clips. My masturbation sessions would sometimes last 2-3 hours where I would edge to various clips before finally ejaculating. During, this period I had absolutely no sexual contact with a real woman. I come from a conservative country where intersexual contact and relations is not encouraged during teenage and early adulthood and pre-marital sex is still fairly taboo. I had a pretty decent level of confidence when I was 14 and before I became a chronic porn user. Hence, at that age I had a girlfriend but we never went past hold hands and light petting, I never even kissed her on the mouth. After we broke up and my porn use increased, my confidence plummeted and I became a social retard and kept away from girls. Additionally, I was extremely shameful of my fetishes and felt that no woman would want to be with me once they knew of my sexual tastes.
But as the years rolled by and I watched more porn and read more about sexuality, I discovered that a foot fetish was one of the most common fetishes and that quite a few women loved being submissive in bed and liked being dominated and even held by the throat and choked within safe limits. Coming to know these facts made me feel relatively better about myself. After all, I never had any desire to harm women in reality and on the contrary I absolutely loved and was fascinated by women. But I still had a lot of sexual shame which prevented me from being comfortable to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman. I was 24 and was in good old Thailand and since I had no prospects of securing a girlfriend, I decided to lose my virginity to a hooker. She was very attractive and I had no problems getting hard and she also slipped the condom on to my penis easily but I remember that throughout the lovemaking I was in my head and kept thinking to myself that now that I am finally physically being intimate with a woman, it doesn?t feel all that great. As I entered her and started thrusting, I practically felt no sensation in my penis. But she was into being choked and I began choking her lightly and this increased my excitement a bit and but still didn?t do anything big for me. I was amazed by this because this had been a strong fetish of mine and I remember that in my teenage years when I used to playfully grab a girl I knew by the throat, I would instantly get a rock hard erection. We continued having sex but I just wouldn?t finish and she had an orgasm or two and finally we switched to doggy style and I shut my eyes and managed to fantasize about something and was finally able to orgasm. After this experience, I didn?t know whether I should be happy that I lasted over 45 minutes or that there was some problem with me. I had never heard of DE and had only known about PE and felt kind of proud that I could go so long without coming. But somewhere deep down I had a feeling that my first sexual encounter had been a letdown and did not feel anywhere as good as my fapping sessions. However, I removed the thought from my head, returned to my country and life went on.
After losing my virginity, I secured a great job and this bolstered my confidence quite a lot. In that year I also came across some material relating to dating and seduction and I finally made a decision to overcome my shyness and start dating women. After a few months, I started getting good at interacting with women and finally started getting my dates into bed. In the meanwhile, my porn use had continued unabated and what had started as some rough sex and foot fetish videos had now escalated seriously. I now was watching foot worshiping videos where guys were being humiliated and trod on by women and this led to more femdom stuff. Guys being collared and treated as slaves by women, being told they were worthless, being beaten with belts, choked till they turned purple and humiliated for being worthless and having tiny dicks. It was this kind of stuff that turned me on now and I was fapping to these videos. I was shocked at myself because these were things that I used to previously be disgusted by. Femdom had made no sense to me and I had always been extremely turned off by any person exerting any dominance over me, let alone a woman. I was completely confused at this point, but I did my research online and came across the articles that claimed that a person?s sexuality evolves and that porn only reveals your hidden fetishes and sexual proclivities. Many ?sexperts? said that most men who like femdom initially have a resistance towards it as society doesn?t approve of men being submissive and that it is in the best interest of such men?s psychological well being that they get rid of this social stigma and become comfortable with the fact that they love being dominated by women. This assuaged my concerns a bit but I always felt that these kinds of things weren?t my authentic sexual tastes.
Coming back to my dating life, in the midst of all this, I now had started getting women into bed, but to my shock, I realised that I couldn?t get hard just by looking at them naked or even when they touched or tried to pleasure me with blowjobs or handjobs. Initially I reasoned that it was because they weren?t engaging my fetishes. So I gradually opened up and told a few women about my fetish for feet and my love of choking them during sex. To my surprise, most of them did not mind and quite a few wanted to be choked in bed and were really happy that I liked being dominant in bed. To my utter shock, though they let me play with their feet and choke them, I could not still get a full erection. My erections were weak and wouldn?t last till penetration. It was practically impossible to put on a condom. When they tried blowjobs or handjobs I did not feel any pleasure and in fact would feel bored after a while and wait till they stopped. Many women were offended, felt inadequate and were hurt as they thought I wasn?t attracted to them. I was confused and worried too and most them left and I made no effort in contacting them partly due to shame and partly because I did not want it to happen again. This happened even when I was stone cold sober, so I could not blame it on alcohol.
At this point, utterly devastated and looking for an answer I found NoFap, YBOP, Reboot Nation and other websites relating to porn addiction. I recently read Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson and many of the articles here. I have deleted all my fetish clips and have stayed off PMO for a week now. It?s just the beginning and I know I have a long road ahead. But I wanted to share this with you guys so I could get some advice and feedback. Please do let me know what you think of my situation. I feel it is a bit peculiar due to my fetishes and I feel I may not lose the fetishes I had before porn. But they seem harmless now and I would give anything to return to a state where I only have those fetishes and where I can have sex with a real woman. I desperately want to feel pleasure in my penis and my body and be able to relate to a woman. I am moving abroad for University and I think I will have plenty of opportunity to rewire with real women soon. But I intend to reboot and get rid of my addiction by then. Guys please feel free to give me any advice or tips. Having people who understand my weird sexual journey up until now would give me a lot of comfort and solace.
Thank you.
The earliest memories I remember of feeling any sexual pleasure was when I was about 3-4 years old and I distinctly remember that the source of the pleasure was not from watching a woman in revealing clothing or any sexually suggestive posture; it was from watching a woman being held by the throat. As weird as it sounds the earliest memories of sexual excitement I have, all came from watching a woman being held by the throat in movies or TV shows or witnessing events in real life when someone playfully grabbed a woman or a girl by the throat. However, I also remember being turned on by looking at beautiful women that I encountered in real life or in movies, magazines, TV shows etc. Slowly as a few years went by, I remember being attracted to women?s nails, especially beautifully colored or manicured fingernails as well as toenails. I recollect trying to get a glimpse of the hands and feet of every attractive woman I encountered in order to check out her nails. Slowly, I believe somewhere down the line this propensity of mine to check out fingernails and toenails of all the women I came across led to me being increasingly turned on by feet. I began to have a very strong attraction to female feet. This was all before porn, I am sure of that. At this point, I was around 10-11 years old and I started to masturbate by lying on my bed, on my stomach and rubbing my penis on the bed. I had not yet reached puberty and hence didn?t ejaculate, but I remember doing this for long periods and experiencing great pleasure. While doing this, I would always fantasize about the scenes I had watched on TV of women being grabbed by the throat or of women?s feet or of the women I had encountered in my life.
Around the age of 13, for the first time I had access to the internet. I distinctly remember that the first time I had the computer to myself without anyone around, I took the opportunity to Google images of women being choked or held by the throat and I did not have any idea about sex or the mechanism of how people have sex at that point. I had no clue that women had something known as a vagina! I spent the next few months surfing for images and short video clips of women being choked or of women showing off their feet, whenever I had access to the computer and some privacy. This continued for a few years and I had found a few websites dedicated to foot fetish and a website centered on breath play which had pictures of women being choked. I hit puberty and discovered the traditional method of masturbation and continued masturbating to these two kinds of videos and images. Most of these videos and images did not contain any nudity and I was hardly exposed to a naked female body during this period. However, I would be incredibly turned on by images and videos catering to the fetishes I had developed. During this period, I used to notice only a woman?s neck and her feet and was never interested in or paid attention to any other part of her body. All my fantasies of the women and girls I came across during this time, would center on me grabbing them by the throat and choking them or admiring and being able to touch and kiss their feet. This continued for a good 3-4 years. I pretty much used to masturbate everyday either to these kinds of clips and images or my fantasies.
When I was around 19, I for the very first time in my life, I watched an actual porn clip i.e. a man and a woman naked and having sexual intercourse. To be honest, I wasn?t very excited by it and felt that my fetishes excited me far more. However, in due course I came across clips which combined sex and my fetishes i.e. of women being choked during sex and foot fetish porn (footjobs, foot licking etc leading to sex). This seemed to be the perfect blend for my sexual tastes and I started devouring this material and fapping to it constantly. At around this time, I got my own personal laptop and now I had access to high speed internet in the privacy of my room and my porn use skyrocketed. I used to spend hours browsing porn and edging to various clips and spent a lot of my money on buying fetish clips. My masturbation sessions would sometimes last 2-3 hours where I would edge to various clips before finally ejaculating. During, this period I had absolutely no sexual contact with a real woman. I come from a conservative country where intersexual contact and relations is not encouraged during teenage and early adulthood and pre-marital sex is still fairly taboo. I had a pretty decent level of confidence when I was 14 and before I became a chronic porn user. Hence, at that age I had a girlfriend but we never went past hold hands and light petting, I never even kissed her on the mouth. After we broke up and my porn use increased, my confidence plummeted and I became a social retard and kept away from girls. Additionally, I was extremely shameful of my fetishes and felt that no woman would want to be with me once they knew of my sexual tastes.
But as the years rolled by and I watched more porn and read more about sexuality, I discovered that a foot fetish was one of the most common fetishes and that quite a few women loved being submissive in bed and liked being dominated and even held by the throat and choked within safe limits. Coming to know these facts made me feel relatively better about myself. After all, I never had any desire to harm women in reality and on the contrary I absolutely loved and was fascinated by women. But I still had a lot of sexual shame which prevented me from being comfortable to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman. I was 24 and was in good old Thailand and since I had no prospects of securing a girlfriend, I decided to lose my virginity to a hooker. She was very attractive and I had no problems getting hard and she also slipped the condom on to my penis easily but I remember that throughout the lovemaking I was in my head and kept thinking to myself that now that I am finally physically being intimate with a woman, it doesn?t feel all that great. As I entered her and started thrusting, I practically felt no sensation in my penis. But she was into being choked and I began choking her lightly and this increased my excitement a bit and but still didn?t do anything big for me. I was amazed by this because this had been a strong fetish of mine and I remember that in my teenage years when I used to playfully grab a girl I knew by the throat, I would instantly get a rock hard erection. We continued having sex but I just wouldn?t finish and she had an orgasm or two and finally we switched to doggy style and I shut my eyes and managed to fantasize about something and was finally able to orgasm. After this experience, I didn?t know whether I should be happy that I lasted over 45 minutes or that there was some problem with me. I had never heard of DE and had only known about PE and felt kind of proud that I could go so long without coming. But somewhere deep down I had a feeling that my first sexual encounter had been a letdown and did not feel anywhere as good as my fapping sessions. However, I removed the thought from my head, returned to my country and life went on.
After losing my virginity, I secured a great job and this bolstered my confidence quite a lot. In that year I also came across some material relating to dating and seduction and I finally made a decision to overcome my shyness and start dating women. After a few months, I started getting good at interacting with women and finally started getting my dates into bed. In the meanwhile, my porn use had continued unabated and what had started as some rough sex and foot fetish videos had now escalated seriously. I now was watching foot worshiping videos where guys were being humiliated and trod on by women and this led to more femdom stuff. Guys being collared and treated as slaves by women, being told they were worthless, being beaten with belts, choked till they turned purple and humiliated for being worthless and having tiny dicks. It was this kind of stuff that turned me on now and I was fapping to these videos. I was shocked at myself because these were things that I used to previously be disgusted by. Femdom had made no sense to me and I had always been extremely turned off by any person exerting any dominance over me, let alone a woman. I was completely confused at this point, but I did my research online and came across the articles that claimed that a person?s sexuality evolves and that porn only reveals your hidden fetishes and sexual proclivities. Many ?sexperts? said that most men who like femdom initially have a resistance towards it as society doesn?t approve of men being submissive and that it is in the best interest of such men?s psychological well being that they get rid of this social stigma and become comfortable with the fact that they love being dominated by women. This assuaged my concerns a bit but I always felt that these kinds of things weren?t my authentic sexual tastes.
Coming back to my dating life, in the midst of all this, I now had started getting women into bed, but to my shock, I realised that I couldn?t get hard just by looking at them naked or even when they touched or tried to pleasure me with blowjobs or handjobs. Initially I reasoned that it was because they weren?t engaging my fetishes. So I gradually opened up and told a few women about my fetish for feet and my love of choking them during sex. To my surprise, most of them did not mind and quite a few wanted to be choked in bed and were really happy that I liked being dominant in bed. To my utter shock, though they let me play with their feet and choke them, I could not still get a full erection. My erections were weak and wouldn?t last till penetration. It was practically impossible to put on a condom. When they tried blowjobs or handjobs I did not feel any pleasure and in fact would feel bored after a while and wait till they stopped. Many women were offended, felt inadequate and were hurt as they thought I wasn?t attracted to them. I was confused and worried too and most them left and I made no effort in contacting them partly due to shame and partly because I did not want it to happen again. This happened even when I was stone cold sober, so I could not blame it on alcohol.
At this point, utterly devastated and looking for an answer I found NoFap, YBOP, Reboot Nation and other websites relating to porn addiction. I recently read Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson and many of the articles here. I have deleted all my fetish clips and have stayed off PMO for a week now. It?s just the beginning and I know I have a long road ahead. But I wanted to share this with you guys so I could get some advice and feedback. Please do let me know what you think of my situation. I feel it is a bit peculiar due to my fetishes and I feel I may not lose the fetishes I had before porn. But they seem harmless now and I would give anything to return to a state where I only have those fetishes and where I can have sex with a real woman. I desperately want to feel pleasure in my penis and my body and be able to relate to a woman. I am moving abroad for University and I think I will have plenty of opportunity to rewire with real women soon. But I intend to reboot and get rid of my addiction by then. Guys please feel free to give me any advice or tips. Having people who understand my weird sexual journey up until now would give me a lot of comfort and solace.
Thank you.
