Help Porn ruined me relationship and marriage...

So it all started when I was 18 years old I lost my virginity to the first woman I ever loved. Every time we were together we kissed we touched each other the thought I always got an erection. Our relationship started in September of 2010 I lost my virginity that month. I was in the middle of remodeling an apartment I was about to move into we had no furniture in the apartment. The weed man making out a lot we just ate pizza and we were just taking a break and every time we made out I keep getting erection. So finally I said I was ready so we go to an empty bedroom wait on the floor and I tried to have sex but I could not. At that time I knew it was just because I had so many erections that night that I guess I couldn't perform anymore. So I took her home and then a few minutes later we come back I had to bed finally and we ended up making love successfully and it was amazing I stayed hard all the time went back to back to back. She would wake me up in the middle of the night my body responded her body responded I didn't have to do anything we just had sex luckily my penis is larger than most I'm over 7 in so that made up for a lot. We had a great sex life up till about December of 2010 so we weren't together too long. I ended up finding out that she had the pill problem I did not want to be involved with that so I cut things off with her. Probably the biggest mistake I ever made. Because maybe a month after we had broken up I started going through sex withdrawals and went straight to porn. So for a year I did nothing but masturbate for a hole year that's all I did watch p*** and masturbated. So I'm at my future wife Leah that February we hit it off immediately she was all on me wanting me. I knew that we had more than just anything else so we agreed to take space before we had sex make sure that we really wanted to be with each other. So in March we actually went out of town to a car show and we got a hotel room together but we agreed not to have sex here. So instead we just made out a whole lot rubbing touching each other but not sexually but then I began to realize that I was not getting an erection but I really didn't think nothing of it. About a month later in April of 2012 we went to another car show and got a cabin with a bunch of friends we all were drinking a little bit in a hot tub together and then we decided to go to bed. So we get to our room and she gets completely naked and she says what are you going to do with me. So I pick her up and put her on the bed I didn't realize it I was not getting an erection so when I tried to put my penis in it was soft and I immediately ejaculated when I tried to insert and then it just went right in and we had sex with a limp noodle and it was terrible. The next morning she had promised me sex in the shower but she was so upset about what happened the night before that I didn't get it. Not that it would have mattered anyhow because I couldn't do anything. So a few days and we tried again and it was unsuccessful. So I finally decided to go to the doctor he did some normal testing came up with nothing and just prescribed me some medicine and said try this maybe you just need a boost. So I went home that night we had a party and I took some of the medicine. That night we had some of the best sex of our life so far. Now we were having some sex before I had to play with myself to get hard but it would immediately die down. So she knew that I had a larger penis so I guess she knew that it was worth trying. So anyhow there for a while I took the medicine and if I forgot sometimes that you wanted sex it would make our life a little harder because she wanted sex and I couldn't perform. So anyhow she finally found out through my phone but I've been watching porn a lot and she did not take it well she cried it killed her. So I promised her I would stop, but I didn't I lied to her multiple times about it and she would catch me in forgive me but each time that made her resent me more. So a year after we met we got married we were still having sex and I was still taking the pill so finally I got tired of the pill and I went to the doctor again a specialist at a local hospital they did some testing gave me a shot in the penis and did a ultrasound and found out that my Venus was leaking. The doctor pretty much said there was nothing they can do. So I decided not to tell her about it I said I'll just take the medicine and try to make it work because I was afraid that if I told her that she would resent me and leave me because I couldn't form. This was about 3 years ago so in that time we fought I fathered a child. 6 months into her pregnancy she had a bunch of complications with back pain and feet pain so I bought a new bed but the bed didn't help all the way she complained that I weighed it down. In this time she did not work for 3 years she was a stay-at-home wife / mom . So I slept on the couch and gave her the bed and I stayed on the couch until now we even had a son 14 months after we had our daughter she conceived our son. We had still had our problems about me lying about porn and she had always threaten to leave me. But when she found out she was pregnant my son I guess she said whatever and we would work it out. And every once in a while I still watch porn but I never stop masturbating I mostly did it in the shower before work. Anyhow she has been having some issues intimately with me I tried to approach her she chimed me away and tell me the more I try the less she wanted to do anything. So I've been dealing with that for about 9 months so in February she was diagnosed with postpartum it was a misdiagnosis though so she went back and they did some more test and found out her estrogen levels were borderline menopause. So about mid-march she receives a pellet in the mail that she had to take back to her Ob-Gyn for them to install into a butt. A few weeks later after our 5 year anniversary on the 23rd of March I noticed that she was being more distant and stop telling me she love me. So finally on April 13th which was honestly Friday the 13th she got to me mentally by Shunning me away so I can find her mother to speak to her to figure out what was going on. Later that day they came home and my wife took me to the ringer about talking to her mother. My wife then told me that she did not have any feelings for me so she did not love me and that she thought about other men and thought other men look cute. I took it hard so I started busting my ass that day and later that night we were in our basement remodeling a bathroom and she gave me a kiss I was shocked. But she said don't take it that way. So few weeks went by and I kept busting my ass trying to show her that I loved her and I was the man but it wasn't good enough we still had a regular family night seating dinner she come home from work she had been working for a year now at a local restaurant as a server. So when she got home we would have our family dinner. Surround anniversary the 23rd I got some more pills and I'd say the end of March on a Wednesday on our way to church she found those pills and confronted me about them on our way to church I had been keeping a secret from her a secret that I knew would hurt us and that was the fact that my doctor said that I was not working properly and that there was nothing that we could really be done. So she was upset that I lied to her but I tried to make it that I was just trying to protect our marriage but she didn't see it that way. So I'm May 4th something changed in her and she said that she needed a break and then 2 Days Later she said that she wanted a divorce. I think that was more less because I wasn't giving her the space I kept harassing her trying to keep her around I was begging and pleading I think that was just making things worse. So for a few weeks now have been arguing and she not staying out with friends at night. So finally she made me leave I'm now living at a friend's house that is vacant she filed for divorce and she says that's mostly because of the porn addiction I had and all the lies I told her of involving porn. And that hurt me quite a bit because I have a 3 year old and 18 month old and I did not want to leave them. I feel like I failed them as a husband as a father as a man I failed. But I have to make a change I have to become a man again I have to make myself better. I have not masturbated since March or watch porn since March  a few days ago I did have a wet dream about watching porn. I do have morning erections occasionally and also when I nod off and get tired I get erections randomly and they. But eventually they'll die down sometimes I stay up for a while and I can just walk around and it just be there. But I can't really get it up even thinking about sex or playing with myself hardly it just randomly comes up at times. I know it has to be something in my head that I ruined and I need to repair it. So I please please love some guidance in my process of preparing myself physically. Where to start what to do what not to do how long? Please somebody help me I don't want to have to deal with this with another woman.

I am really sorry you are hurting. I am a wife. My husband's story is so similar to yours. He his his use of pills in order to get an erection so we could be intimate too. He did this for over a decade of our marriage. I found out around year 12. I wanted to leave too. I understand your wife's hurt, but I stayed. It is possible. I can't tell you want your wife will do but I can say that there is hope. She wouldn't have gone through all of that if she didn't love you. The most important thing for you to do is stop your porn use and more than that be honest with her. Be a man of integrity and transparency. Be open with her about the work you are doing. I would recommend that you ask her to pause. Just ask for a 6 month to one year hold on any decision making. In that time go see a counselor together as well as both of you individually. She is clearly hurting and with postpartum depression on top of it....well that is really heartbreaking. I would also encourage you to show her this site and the partners forum. She can have a safe space to open up to other women without feeling judged. You should check it out too. Educate yourself not just on porn addiction but also on what partners experience. It will give you a better understand of what she may be feeling. Might help you better understand how to connect. Read the partner journals as well as starting a journal yourself. Coming on here and opening us is a great first step, remember it's just the beginning. There is hope and a chance for repair but only with complete honesty. The lying is the part that hurts us partners the most. Remember that. Communicate love often. Stop all pron use for good. You life will be better without it!

Thanks for the reply. Sorry my post has so many grammar errors. I had it typed out nice over my phone and it took so long the site timed out..... man was I upset..... So I had to do a voice text to make it faster... But anyhow I can stop the porn that's not going to be a problem anymore. I can avoid all temptations. I really just didn't know what I was doing to myself. I thought it was all natural, they should tech this stuff better to young teens growing up. Like in sex ed.... that would have help. Anyhow I am on day three of living on my own. My wife is still stuck on separation I have tried to change her mind. But she is not budging, says she has no feelings for me. I am hoping in time her hormone pellet dissolves and maybe she changes some. She is not the same woman I married at all. I miss her very much I took our marriage serious and I truly love her. But I will try to keep track of my progress. I am probably close to 45 days. But to sure but I will be keeping track. I hope 6 months to a year I am better. If it takes longer then so be it. I just don't want my wife sleeping with another the thought kills me. That's my woman and her body was mine I do not want to share that with anyone.

Redfire03 said:

I just don't want my wife sleeping with another the thought kills me. That's my woman and her body was mine I do not want to share that with anyone.

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I understand the impulse to feel that way, but the truth is that it's not your body, its hers. You had to privilege of having access to it, but you made some mistakes that have made her withdraw from you. You cannot control whether she moves on, or experiments with another man now. You would do well to not even raise the subject with her - doing so would likely infuriate her further because partners of porn addicts usually feel cheated on themselves. If you start sounding like you think you own her body, after cheating with porn, it's probably the quickest way to make her start thinking about finding somebody else. Just shut those thoughts out and focus on your own recovery, and having civil, constructive communication with your wife and being an excellent father. That's all you can do.

Yea I ment more in a marriage way that we are one. I know I don't control or own her body. I do respect it, I hate what inhale done to us. Porn is the devil plain and simple. I have just told her I love her and miss her and that indidnt want her with anyone else. She does assure me there is no one else and no plans of yet for anyone. But said in the future she would date. She says she is focusing on her happiness and the kids.... I have lost 25lbs in two weeks. I am down into the 180s. I am getting back into the gym and try yo better myself and try to keep my mind stable. Any advice would be appreciated I wonder how long my reboot will take with so many years of no functioning properly. Even if I for sure donlose my wife. I don't want this to happen again with another woman. Only down fall is finding a woman who does not want kids or has some of her own. I got fixed right after my son was born. So I can't have any at the moment, I don't really want any either. My wife on the other hand still can and that gets to me. But I will promise to stay porn free and try to keep a daily post on my recovery. But any in sit on do's and dont's I am open ears.

If you are committed to her then don't think about all of the other stuff. She may leave and she may not, but for your own sanity you need to know you did everything. You have to stop and think about something. She is realizing that she has been manipulated (your words from your first post) for years. That is really hard to get over. I know I wanted to leave on and on for a good 9 months if not over a year. That is why I said to agree to a separation and just work on your reboot and communication. Get into counseling if you can with her. If not then go on your own. It took years of this behavior for it to get to this point, it can take just as long to heal from this hurt. Trust is build with time and consistency. You saying now that you are going to be honest doesn't mean much, but after a year of you really showing integrity, being your word and following through, that is how trust can be rebuilt. Even if things don't work out and she does want a divorce then at least you know you have done everything. She will always be in your life because you two have children together. You want this relationship to be in a good place. Also you will feel a lot better about who you are when you know that you are a man of honesty and integrity, someone your kids can look up to! That is so important!

Also, Malando mentioned this and I want to agree with it. A lot of men don't see porn use as cheating but to a lot of women it really feels the same as if you had sex with someone else. A big part of why they feel that way is because by viewing porn and lying and hiding it you were choosing to receive sexual gratification secretly outside of your marriage. I say outside of the marriage because she didn't know and you didn't want her to know. Also you were viewing another women....several women or men or whatever, to experience sexual gratification and orgasm. Maybe even at times doing this instead of choosing her. And this happened probably hundreds of times. Now I don't say all of this to make you feel bad or to shame you. I also understand that a lot of men don't see it this way and a lot of times I hear them say things like "at least I didn't have sex with someone else". But in a way, you did. At least that is how a lot of women view it. It is important to understand that so when you are speaking to her you have an idea of how she must be feeling. If you really put yourself in her place you may end up understanding why she is so "done". Give it time, work on healing. Focus on being the person you want your kids to grow up to be. They watch everything you do. Soak up every moment with your kids, and your wife too! Even if there is tension, you are still with her. Tell her you love her, even if she says she doesn't love you, say it anyway. Pray! Maybe overtime her heart will change and soften. She is probably processing a lot. Give her the space to do that. In the meantime you become the man you hope to be. My husband and I went through a lot. I told him I didn't love him anymore several times. I was probably not a very nice person. I was so angry, bitter, hurt and sad for a while. Rather than us trying to get back to where we used to be we finally just decided to work on being who we wanted to be. We ended up falling in love again. I am not the same person and neither is he, but I love this new us! There is always hope. You have to believe that. Don't try to hold onto yesterday and recreate that, focus on tomorrow.

I just wanted to make a correction. I got your post mixed up with another post from a married man. I see now in your original post you didn't use the word manipulation, that was a different person. I just did want to upset you by that. I apologize. I think the point of the message still holds true, lol.

She has already filed for divorce. And is pretty constant about our separation. She says she has been wanting to leave for two years but I never got any indications.  But her hole attitude has changed. She is not the same woman. But she is so beautiful and I don't want to lose her. She is my everything and more and the mother of my kids. I want us to last. I hope in time her heart changes but I am not to sure. I will stay on the path i am on and be a better man. But I really don't want to lose her. She says we are toxic together whatever that means. We never argued till recently because eshe was staying out late.

So not sure when the last time i masterbated was exactly but its been at least 45 days give or take. And probably 60 days since i watched porn. In that span i have had random morning woods and one wet dream last weekend. Right now my penis is just dead to me. Not sure what the exact term for that is. I have not had any thought of trying to pull up porn, i got off all social media accounts, no facebook and no Instagram.  I mostly get on here now and reas people's post ans try to learn.  But i still catch myself having negative thoughts of my wife with another man. And i know i cant control if she does. But i know its bound to happen, i know for a fact i can go a year or more like this if need be and i knoe i will not need a woman in that time. I will just focus on my kids and try to better myself. But just going to have to except the fact that my wife is no more and thats where i have my ups and downs. Time to stick with a workout program i am a fit person and i wont have a problem getting back in shape.  I am attractive so i know one daybit wont be hard for me to find someone else. But i will always hold a door open for my wife to come back if she sees a change in me. But not getting my hopes up. Now for a new day.

Another day free of P and M. I have yet to havr any desires. To be honest i am disgusted to do any of that. Never going back. Anyhow last night i had a sex dream about my wife, in my dream i had a 90%erection and stroked the rest and then my wife got on top and we started to have sex and then the kods were in another room and something fell and she jumped up and i woke up. Turns out that was my dad dropping something upstairs that interrupted my dream. Anyhow i woke up with a erection. I can say thats a firts in e very long time that i have had a dream of any sort. So my btain is craving sex i assume. I tried to hurry up and get back to sleep and get back to the dream but that did not happen.

Another day free and clean.... just alot on my mind with wanting my family back together. I feel lonely and sometimes find myself shacking like i havr parkinsons disease or something. I have no disire to watch porn or masturbate no cravings of any kind. I did start going back to the gym,  worked out my upper body yesterday and will start on lower and legs today. Trying to keep my mind at ease, not there yet but hopefully soon. I dont really go out,  been hanging out at my dads and sleeping there and spending time with my little sisters. Thinking of starting to fish again, maybe after i work out go to the local dam up thr road and go at it. But i need to pray more and maybe god can heal everything. In time i hope someway somehow it all comes together.

Another day clean, no desire what so ever. Have been dperessed and stressed a lot dealing with the divorce and missing my family. But i have been going to the gym now and hanging out at my father's house and staying the night there during the week. No erections, feel kind of distant with myself. Hopefully a year away from PMO will fo the trick. Pray for the best.

Posting for yesterday..... porn free, no real issues.... just dont even think about porn. Sometime i have flash backs of sex with my wife and thats about it. Really miss that for sure, but all the sex we ever had was never really me but the pills. I want to be me..... so i will continue with the reboot. Spent yesterday working out at the gym for 2hrs. Its amazing how mental working out it. First few days i was so weak with everything on my mind. But yesterday i had my mind cleared and i pushed myself. Such a great feeling and i am stronger than i thought.

Posting for yesterday....man i need to keep to date... anyhow good day free of all temptaions, mostly worked out for a couple hours. Spent time with my kids and researched a better diet to suit my workout.

Past serveral days i have been super busy, mostly in flatline i guess m. Felt like my buddy was not there. Mostly been going tonthe gym and working out. Got divorce papers this week that was a ruff one for me. Wife is trying to take the kids from me. But guess i will be hiring a lawyer... anyhow thia morning i went to bed around 3am. I had a dream i was trying to have sex with my wife and before i could get mybpenis in her in the dream i noticed i was having a wet dream and made a mess.  I got up and changed clothes, but ever since the i have been waking up through the day with hard erextions. So i hope that is progress.

In the same boat brother except im now 18  but i can relate  to ur story .
i my self im above avg w a penis close to 8 inches so ik how it feels to lose that weapon from ur arsenal .
i myself hv no desires as well no urges nothing at all
except the only difference is i dont get morning wood at all had a few wet dreams and sexual dreams but nothing erection wise. As most rebooters say its a matter of time.

I want to have sex all the time just down there he does not repond. Had another wet dream like 10min ago, that is two in a 24hr time frame.. both with a dream about sex with my wife. My penis is still drad to me. I never started counting but i am around 65 to 70 give a few day without PMO other than the wet dreams. I hope a few more months will do. Havr no desire to watch porn or masterbate. I am done with that not worth it.

Past dew days have been great no temptations. But i have had several wet dreams the past week three exact. So i hope that is a good sign still no PMO.

Over all doing very well. No temptations at all. Just having a hard time adjusting to not having a woman around. Wonder if it will beneficial to have a woman by my side during a reboot.

Been doing great, going to the gym about every day. No desires to watch porn or masterbate. I have had several wet dreams the past month more than ever. Morning wood is fettong more common. But not really consistent,  hope it sighn. I would love to have sex, but i know i am not ready unfortunately.