My Journal

Hi I?m a 25 year old who started watching pornography and masturbating at age 12. It became a daily habit, often several sessions daily. First it started with straight porn, but by age 13 progressed to gay porn. This is where an added layer of complexity comes into play. I struggled with accepting my orientation first and felt thoughts of anxiety when it came to revealing my true self to family or friends. So, I turned to pornography to deal with these anxious thoughts as it seemed to be the one place I was truly free. While I was successful academically in high school and college, my personal life suffered due to my porn use. I have a small group of friends but have yet to maintain a healthy relationship with any sort of partner. While I?ve never experienced ED, I have noticed My mental health deteriorating. I constantly feel ?mental fog? or this sense that I?m walking numb-ly through a dream, not actively participating in my own life. I saw a doctor a few years ago and explained my symptoms for which he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I saw a therapist for 6 sessions but didn?t feel any better so I stopped. It wasn?t until a few months ago that I even considered my porn habit destructive after coming across some YouTube tedtalk videos. I felt great hope from realizing there was a scientific explaination for my mental fog and I quit porn sites all together. It was great for a few days until I started noticing pornographic material on Twitter. I struggled with this as a trigger for several weeks and admittedly gave in several times. Finally I deleted the twitter app and things were great for a few days until I started using hook up apps to trade nude photos with people, but I wasn?t actually meeting up with them. So I deleted those apps and everything was great. But now i have re-downloaded Twitter and I?m back to my old ways. Seems like I need to get rid of my phone all together. I haven?t been able to make it more than a 7 day streak. So I decided to come here and open up about my struggle. I so badly want to rid myself of this sensation of mental fog but my own desires seem to continuously get in my own way.

For me, the major source of P was my smartphone and I struggled to control myself with it, eventually, I gave up my smartphone and turned to a brick phone, it has helped a lot. Do whatever it takes to get out of this mess. We are all in this together and we are rooting for you. Welcome in the journey brother.

blueRaccoon said:

For me, the major source of P was my smartphone and I struggled to control myself with it, eventually, I gave up my smartphone and turned to a brick phone, it has helped a lot. Do whatever it takes to get out of this mess. We are all in this together and we are rooting for you. Welcome in the journey brother.

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I agree, smartphone makes it so easy, just this mprning it was a struggle I wake up with stong urges! Since I had urges for the past 2 days I left my cellphone in another room. But I had to almost not use it until I was out of my house, just to be "safe".

That being said, welcome with us and we're right here if you need support brother!