I'm really in a black place right now. I've actually been pretty successful over the last few weeks. Reached about 40 days, maybe more with no PMO. I've had this horrible addiction almost since we got our first computer with dial up. As is the case with most married guys here, my wife eventually found out. To say she's unhappy about it is an understatement. I've tried to stop multiple times over the years, but I was never strong enough.
This year it got really bad, as I lost my long time job, doing what I really loved. Losing my job had nothing to do with porn, but the stress over the last few years ramped up my "dependency" which peaked this summer after becoming unemployed. I knew I was in trouble and started looking for help online. I found YBOP and shortly after RN. I had no idea this was a big problem for others as well. I started going through my computer, deleting all the porn I had saved in secret little folders. I was like a squirrel, hiding in places I later forgot. I got a lot of it, but not all. A couple of weeks ago, my wife was looking for a file on my computer, a recipe or something. I wasn't too worried she would stumble across anything, as I felt I had gotten most everything. But I hadn't, and she did.
That night, after years of humiliation and poor self esteem I had caused her, she asked me to move out. We talked more and I begged her to let me stay, already 2-3 weeks into my streak. She relented, and things were going pretty well for a couple weeks. Then, last night I was dealing with some pain in my foot and legs, so I got out of bed so I didn't disturb her. I ended up sleeping in the extra bedroom, but I left my phone on the nightstand next to our bed. I actually left it there so she wouldn't think I was doing anything bad. I admired myself for this. During the night or this morning, she decided to look at my phone, probably to see if there was crap on it. Of course she found some. An email I had sent myself with a couple of 1 minute clips.
Tonight, she told me she's not sure if she loves me and doesn't really understand why she's staying, other than it's Christmas. I told her I had been clean for six weeks and had tried to eliminate everything from my PC and phone, but had obviously failed. Told her about RN and YBOP, but I don't think she really cares. All she knows is the lies I've told over and over.
Can't blame her, I'm pretty much a piece of shit. So I'm in the extra bedroom again tonight (my choice, since I started weeping and didn't want to keep her awake).
I'm in a black place now. No job, no friends and maybe no wife. The only support I feel like I have now is my counselor, who knows about my habits. I wish the internet had never been invented. I wish I was made of stronger stuff. This is killing me.
This year it got really bad, as I lost my long time job, doing what I really loved. Losing my job had nothing to do with porn, but the stress over the last few years ramped up my "dependency" which peaked this summer after becoming unemployed. I knew I was in trouble and started looking for help online. I found YBOP and shortly after RN. I had no idea this was a big problem for others as well. I started going through my computer, deleting all the porn I had saved in secret little folders. I was like a squirrel, hiding in places I later forgot. I got a lot of it, but not all. A couple of weeks ago, my wife was looking for a file on my computer, a recipe or something. I wasn't too worried she would stumble across anything, as I felt I had gotten most everything. But I hadn't, and she did.
That night, after years of humiliation and poor self esteem I had caused her, she asked me to move out. We talked more and I begged her to let me stay, already 2-3 weeks into my streak. She relented, and things were going pretty well for a couple weeks. Then, last night I was dealing with some pain in my foot and legs, so I got out of bed so I didn't disturb her. I ended up sleeping in the extra bedroom, but I left my phone on the nightstand next to our bed. I actually left it there so she wouldn't think I was doing anything bad. I admired myself for this. During the night or this morning, she decided to look at my phone, probably to see if there was crap on it. Of course she found some. An email I had sent myself with a couple of 1 minute clips.
Tonight, she told me she's not sure if she loves me and doesn't really understand why she's staying, other than it's Christmas. I told her I had been clean for six weeks and had tried to eliminate everything from my PC and phone, but had obviously failed. Told her about RN and YBOP, but I don't think she really cares. All she knows is the lies I've told over and over.
Can't blame her, I'm pretty much a piece of shit. So I'm in the extra bedroom again tonight (my choice, since I started weeping and didn't want to keep her awake).
I'm in a black place now. No job, no friends and maybe no wife. The only support I feel like I have now is my counselor, who knows about my habits. I wish the internet had never been invented. I wish I was made of stronger stuff. This is killing me.