Boyfriend has developed issue with PE as a result of heavy and odd porn use.

I apologize for the sheer length of this post but this problem has been building for a long time and I have a lot to say. I wanna start by saying how relieved I was to find this site and YBOP because it made me realize that I'm not alone in this situation and that I'm not crazy or letting sex dictate my entire relationship, as my porn-addicted boyfriend has said. I'm also relieved that these problems can be dealt with and that things can go back to the way they used to be if we commit ourselves.

Let me start by saying that our relationship started off with us saying we would just be friends with benefits. The sex was amazing and we couldn't get enough of each other, and we pretty quickly admitted that it was about so much more than sex. We're two years in together now, and I just moved in with him. We love each other so much; that has never been the problem, and that's also why this issue has become so painful for both of us.

In the beginning, and really the whole first year we were together, the sex was some of the best I've ever had. And I'm older than he is and more experienced. I lost my virginity at 16 and have had a good amount of experience since then, we'll put it that way. I'm not a slut or anything, I just have a very healthy sexual appetite. He lost his virginity at 22, and I'm the third girl he's ever been with.  Something about the two of us together though is just electric, and we were at it multiple times a day, every day for a good while. I know that phase of infatuation was bound to fade out slowly and that we wouldn't be all over each other 24/7 forever, but I had faith that because of our undeniable chemistry, we would never have a problem in that department.

Even when the sex became slightly less frequent, we would still have these incredible marathon sessions from time to time that would blow both our minds, and I always had multiple orgasms. He told me he's felt more free sexually with me than with anyone else, because I'm pretty openminded and will try anything once in most cases. So I was surprised and a little concerned when the frequency became less again. Why wouldn't you want something you love all the time?

I would ask him what was going on and he'd say he just wasn't in the mood or he was tired or blah blah, which I know happens, but I don't think I had ever been on the receiving end of it. There were even a couple times I tried to surprise him by shaving everything and wearing something special and he'd say he wasn't expecting that and wasn't in that mindset and turn me down when I was throwing myself at him. My previous boyfriend let himself go pretty bad and I found myself making excuses like that all the time because I wasn't as attracted to him anymore, so you can understand where my mind naturally went when I heard that from him. I wondered if I'd started to let myself go, if I wasn't as exciting anymore because now he knows the real me and all my walls have been broken down. Maybe because being together became more routine and less of something we had to plan for? I don't know. All I know is I'm deathly afraid that he's becoming complacent and that I will lose the love of my life because he got bored with me.

Around Christmas time, I told him I was thinking about downloading a certain app (I won't name it here because I don't think it's allowed) because I was entertaining the idea of starting a blog. I had also heard that a large percentage of users on this particular site utilize it for porn. I also knew hat he had the app and had checked out porn on it a couple times, so he said. So I was curious on my end. And there is a LOT of porn. A LOT. We had looked at porn together a few times (it's not really my thing, but like I said, I'll try anything once), so I showed him some of the porn I'd come across. Then I told him I wanted to see what HE was looking at, and he wouldn't show me. He got really defensive and when I told him it wasn't fair, he sat me down and revealed to me that he used his account more than a few times.

In fact, he confessed that he has an account with hundreds of followers, where they all exchange porn pics and videos and gifs and like everything you can imagine under the sun. And not only was he taking in mass amounts of porn as our sex life had slowly become even less frequent, but he was into some... "Different Stuff." I say it that way because I'm not trying to offend anyone who is into that. I'm really not. I'm still just trying to wrap my head around it. I'm a girl who's been in mostly serious relationships, so I'm well aware that dudes look at porn. Relatively often. I know some guys stop when they have girlfriends, I know some don't. And that's ok. I really don't care. I've looked at it from time to time myself. But this stuff is at the other end of the spectrum. Hentai, futanari, girls with giant horse co**s, t-girls, etc. The other aspect of this that I find interesting is that it's this ego boost he gets from "providing" his followers with material to get their rocks off. Like he seems to get off to the idea of randoms everywhere are blowing their loads because of what he has "given them." Weird, but not entirely far off, is it??

He was honest about it with me, when he had his back against the wall when I wanted to see what he was looking at, but was THIS really the reason I wasn't getting laid as much? I shaved my legs (and other things) to compete with THIS?? Despite being shocked and a little hurt by this, I was glad he was upfront with me (sort of) and tried to roll with it. I decided to use my account to focus on porn, just to experiment. We even told ourselves we'd learn exciting new things to try on one another, and why not? I thought, maybe this could be our solution, maybe we just needed to mix it up.

So I started looking at porn. On the regular. And it's not all bad. My bf and I even linked our profiles so people could follow is both and see what we were both into. I would post about him sometimes, and comment on porn (normal stuff) he posted and repost some if it. He still posted a lot of less conventional porn, like gang banging futas mashed up with cartoon bukkake and girls being just drenched in what seemed like bucket loads of cum. Yeah, it made me uncomfortable, but I can't control his mind or what he's into so I tried to just go with the flow. We went to a sex shop and got all kinds of new toys and such, because why not? These things can be awesome!

Then one day, he showed me a message one of his followers had sent him. It was disgusting, full of depraved stuff I won't even try to remember. I wish I could un-see it. And he asked me what he should do. I know he was trying to be honest again, but who knows if it was a response to something he said... He claimed it was out of the blue, but I'll never know because I feel like he told me a lot of half truths during this particular time. I later received a message, showed him and deleted it. I didn't need to ask him what to do. I was very clear on my main page that I didn't want people sending me nasty messages unless they were my bf, not that he ever did. So I brushed that off, despite being hurt again, and tried to continue with our new "hobby" as usual. But I started to notice something: he started to cum sooner. And I mean, much sooner.

I remember particularly, one time I was left with a, um, plug in a certain area, and he had tried one too and blew it almost immediately. Back in our heyday, he would have rallied quickly and finished me off without an issue, but he couldn't get hard again even after giving it a break. He didn't even finish me off manually or with another toy, which we had. I think he felt embarrassed so he just gave up. Feeling humiliated, and worked up with no orgasm, I removed the plug and went to sleep with blue tubes.

A few weeks later, I saw a post he put up that said, "Reblog if you want naked pics sent to your inbox." This is what really hurt me. WHY, when you have the entire internet with nudity and anonymity everywhere, would you invite people to send you the exact same thing you're looking at ALL THE TIME?? Devastated, I felt I should break up with him. That I couldn't trust him, that he clearly doesn't need this relationship because he's seeking these interactions out online. He apologized, removed the post and even removed the app from his phone, which I told him wasn't necessary because I knew he'd look it up anyway and that he still has his account. He told me he didn't want to look at the things he was looking at anymore and wanted things to get better. He promised he would work hard to make things right.

A few weeks passed, I would look at his account through mine from time to time and he still hasn't posted anything, but we've still been having issues sexually. He's not into it when I am, or when he is, it's over so quickly I barely have time to get into it. I feel like a receptacle sometimes. I feel like less of a woman. I'm very hurt by all of it and I can't believe this is happening to us.

Last night, after a great day, we were getting ready for bed and he turned his phone on. It immediately went to a screen with hentai/futas of like shark women with ***ks.  It is so upsetting to me that he can't look to the living, breathing, very willing, and attractive HUMAN BEING next to him who loves him to satisfy his sexual desire.

Please give me some perspective. Guys, girls, anyone who has wisdom to contribute, please do. I feel so sad and confused, and disrespected. HELP!! :'(

It's good that you've read YBOP. He will also need to. This is the first step-both you and him have to fully understand porn addiction. Most people need to learn the basics about porn addiction and neuroscience related to addiction before rebooting. He should read all about PA and start a journal- if he can't get hard and has all these fetishes, that's a sign of serious addiction.

The second thing is, both of you might want to be just a little more conservative sexually. This is only because it would be hard to recover (certainly would for me) while regularly engaging in porn-aquired sexual fetishes and turn-ons. It would be best to avoid things he wouldn't have interest in if it weren't for porn addiction, these will reinforce his addiction and make him more prone to relapse.

e.g,:

HelpUsHelpUS said:

So I started looking at porn. On the regular. And it's not all bad. My bf and I even linked our profiles so people could follow is both and see what we were both into. I would post about him sometimes, and comment on porn (normal stuff) he posted and repost some if it. He still posted a lot of less conventional porn, like gang banging futas mashed up with cartoon bukkake and girls being just drenched in what seemed like bucket loads of cum. Yeah, it made me uncomfortable, but I can't control his mind or what he's into so I tried to just go with the flow. We went to a sex shop and got all kinds of new toys and such, because why not? These things can be awesome!

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You also mentioned transexual porn - no man anywhere ever would watch this without escalating to it from porn use.

Also, the symptoms of porn addiction are not just sexual. There was a poll by a psychologist that found that the average daily user of porn was severely depressed compared to the general population, and even regular users of porn who did not watch daily were depressed. I was suicidal because of the effects of porn addiction on mood. You didn't mention any of this, but by the time someone gets to his point (PIED), they should have serious problems.

Hope this helped.

Thanks for the input! YBOP was definitely eye-opening for me. I've got a degree in psychology so it definitely made sense to read about the effects from a neurological and chemical standpoint. It also reinforced my feeling that this has come between us. I can't say that I view porn as cheating, but I think messaging people on porn sites is about as close as you can get. It's psychological cheating. He has admitted to me that he has a problem and has had this addiction for years. I definitely want to help him and show him all of this, but I think it'll be slow going. He knows he has an issue but is still being very defensive about it. I'm sure it's partially my fault because I feel betrayed and I'm trying to make him take responsibility for himself, which is difficult.

We have been more conservative with sex as of late because the PE has become so prevalent it's hard to even progress to anything else. I agree though, and honestly, the freakier stuff has turned me off because I now associate it with the stuff that makes me uncomfortable and why I'm having problems to begin with. He doesn't seem to have trouble getting hard, more just PE and then out of commission.  But I will definitely talk to him and get him the help he needs.

I totally understand the correlations between depression and PMO. I'm so sorry you've dealt with it on that level and that you've been suicidal. If you ever wanna talk about that, I lost my mum to suicide and definitely have experience dealing with depression .

Thanks so much!

The reason I think this addiction, although not as potentially lethal, is every bit as dangerous as an addiction to a controlled substance: because nobody really expects it. Not in the same "it won't happen to me" kind of way, but more like "I didn't even know one could be addicted to that."

Has he seen the materials on ybop? Specifically the videos? I had no idea about this addiction and it's affects on me until I saw those. Once I realized what it did to me, the rage I felt was enough to make me immediately quit. So if he hasn't looked at them, I'd get him to watch them and read some things as well - such as the signs of porn addiction.

I can imagine how you feel betrayed, and hurt by this whole thing and how he's going about it. That said, he's doing what an addict does: he's doing whatever you can to get the next fix. It's one of those things that isn't meant personally but is impossible not to take personally. A heroin addict steals from mom and dad to get the next fix; not to insult or victimize his parents.

Hi there HelpUsHelpUS,

I read your message yesterday and I thought I need to reply.

I got into the thread because of the PE feature - I myself have problems with PE, which is not that obvious among the users here. ED and generally issues regarding inability to O when having sex seem to be more common. I am starting to think that all of those issues, although they seem to be on the opposite sides of the scale, have a common basis - PMO - and which particular problem affects someone is more or less a matter of chance. I mean - I don't know, it's what I suspect now.

But I can see that you're post is not really on PE is it, in the sense, it's not what really bothers you that much I guess...

First of all, I must share my emotion: what sprung to my mind in the first place (in the initial part of your post) was the envy for you guys (your and your boyfriend) sexlife. I mean it sounded like you guys where able to have some pretty satisfying sex. Something I didn't experience much in my life, hence the envy. It also seemed like you was a very sensual and openminded woman, and as I generally have a problem with constantly comparing other women to my wife, I thought that it would be great if my wife also could have been a little like you in that department.

Then started the description of your guys issue and well, that sounded like more of a problem.

I just want to underline that I feel very much for both of you guys: it seems that you are having a quite horrible time now, but I think your bf isn't faring much better at the moment.

The thing that bothers me a bit is that it seems that you went to some serious length to somehow, well, rationalize the problem with P that your bf has. And I'm concerned about you - whether it is proper for yourself to give in to that. I know it may sound patronizing and I'm sorry if it does. I see that you are open to things and that sounds brilliant. On the other hand it seems that many of the things that were going on seriously concerned you. You're entitled to your concern and I think you're entitled to voice it.

A kind of problem is what's next. It seems that it would not be bad if your bf popped up here. I hope you'll be able to convince him or maybe he doesn't need convincing. It seems that he has some pretty amazing gf with whom he can get some great sex. And that is probably not even that important because maybe he simply is with love in you and cares for you. Which is what really matters (doesn't it?). Many guys here get motivated to fight PMO for their partners. It's not to say that if he doesn't jump at it in second one, he doesn't care for the both of you. For everyone here it took some time to starting thinking about the problem, then thinking about help, then searching for help, the daring to ask for it. It may not happen overnight. You wrote that "you will get him the help he need". Well, he needs to find it on his own, in a way. He won't take your solutions that easily and it has nothing to do with whether he loves you or something. It's just the way guys are. Women too, actually. Maybe it's the way people are

I agree with KongMing as regards, well, applying some conservatism in your sexlife - at least for the meantime. I see that it somehow imposes itself because of the current situation.

I think you guys have something to fight for there. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, especially for your bf.

I'm also very open to discuss any issues regarding PE. It does affect me, so I know how uncool it is.

Thanks jkkk,

I've been meaning to reply to you for a while, just been able to find time to write you a proper response. I feel like you really understand my situation, and I can't tell you how comforting that is. I agree with what you said about PE being seemingly less prevalent among users on here and to know that you've struggled with that yourself, I know you get it, that it can be just as damaging. And you're right, my real problem hasn't been then the PE, but how distant he became over time. Before I understood what was going on, I would ask my bf if he was just trying to get sex over with or something, because he was also disconnected in a sense from excessive PMO. Sometimes it felt like I wasn't even there. And he would say, "How could you even say that? It felt so good I couldn't even last." But it felt more like he was on autopilot than anything else. And that's why I was so confused for so long; it's not like the sex had gotten better and he couldn't handle it, it was more like the sex got worse, less personal and a little weirder sometimes and his mind was elsewhere. I felt insulted because, as you read, it's not like I held anything back or deprived him of anything. I guess the desensitization to me was just part of his addiction taking its toll, and I can't blame myself or him really.

You're right too, I definitely rationalized his P use in the beginning because I figured, like most guys, he dabbled in that sort of thing and maybe was a little freakier than I realized. Because I'm open minded, I experimented with it a little and even went outside my comfort zone a few times, but I knew something was wrong when he started messaging people and things began to feel a little darker. He told me recently he kind of "felt bad" about not saying goodbye to his followers before deleting his account. I told him I'd be surprised if any of them even noticed, except maybe whoever had been messaging him.

A lot of this epiphany that my boyfriend is addicted to porn, for me at least, has been the realization that my intuition was correct the entire time. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what exactly, and whenever I tried talking to him about it, he acted like I was being a crazy girlfriend who overthinks everything. Knowing that my gut was right all along has made me feel relieved and angry all at once, because he dismissed what I said so quickly during that time. I know now that it was him in denial of his addiction.

He's very determined to kick this now, and things have changed a bit and are looking up, but yeah, I do wish he'd look a little more into this site and get more facts. He doesn't seem to want to know any more about it, just that he wants out of his addiction. We'll see if he takes more initiative in time. For now, he's PM-free for a couple weeks, and we're trying to avoid O to work on the PE, with a few slip-ups thus far. It's my fault I'm sure, but I'm happy it's with me and not the smut he was looking at. Also trying to be more conservative on the sexual front, which is nicer anyway most times I think.

Thank you so much for your response jkkk, it was a huge help to get a guy's perspective on things. I would say for you, try not to compare your wife to other women. If she changed herself, she wouldn't be the woman you married. Instead, try flip flopping that and think about how other women should be more like your wife. Think of all the things that make her so special to you alone. And if you want to be a little more adventurous with her in bed but she's a little bit conservative, try little things. Little things she might like, gradually, and see how she reacts. Ask her what she wants or if there's anything she wants to try.

Keep in touch! I feel like you and I can help each other through this struggle in a unique way!

HelpUsHelpUS said:

It's my fault I'm sure, but I'm happy it's with me and not the smut he was looking at.

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Please do not ever think or write in that way. It is not your fault and you should not think about this in these categories.

You are entitled to a sex life, and you are entitled to have it with your boyfriend. Your needs are normal and healthy, and the word "fault" must not cross your minds.

If you guys agreed on keeping it without "O" for some time, then I keeping my fingers crossed that you get there.

As regards PE, I read in a few threads that guys who were PE-free before getting addicted respond really well to reboots. That sounds brilliant, you must admit, so I'm keeping fingers crossed as regards guys with PE from beggining of sex life (that's me) the issue seems to be a bit more complicated. But I'm keeping hope in the reboot.

HelpUsHelpUS said:

Thank you so much for your response jkkk, it was a huge help to get a guy's perspective on things. I would say for you, try not to compare your wife to other women. If she changed herself, she wouldn't be the woman you married. Instead, try flip flopping that and think about how other women should be more like your wife. Think of all the things that make her so special to you alone. And if you want to be a little more adventurous with her in bed but she's a little bit conservative, try little things. Little things she might like, gradually, and see how she reacts. Ask her what she wants or if there's anything she wants to try.

Keep in touch! I feel like you and I can help each other through this struggle in a unique way!

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And I wanted to thank you for your input on women's perspective. I think that one of the most valuable inputs on this site some from women. It's a bit weird that it's so difficult to talk directly to one's wife about it. But what you wrote about how a woman feels when having sex with an addicted man... it's so sad. And I know my wife felt like this many times :/

What you wrote about comparing: well, it's just so damn right, I had tears in my eyes, when I read it. I want not to compare her to anyone, I want to be dazzled by herself only. The addiction just totally devastated that - and it's not necessarily P addiction as my paralell (or interconnected) addiction is objectifying and staring at woman. It's the main struggle that I describe in my journal. I just found a thread on this forum that deals directly with that, and it was so relieving to find out that I'm not on my own.

How are you guys doing now?

Thank you for being so reassuring. I know I need to stop pointing the finger, even if it's at myself a lot of the time. You're right, it's nobody's fault. That's also great to hear, that's guys who did not have PE prior to porn addiction had good results. As far as your situation, I feel confident that this can only help you. I think it's great that you're so self aware and really wanting to get to a better place. That alone gets you more than halfway there.

You are so welcome for my lady's perspective on things. I really value yours as well because, like you, my bf doesn't feel comfortable discussing this at length very often. And I don't wanna push him too hard.

How's it going with your wife? Have you talked about these things with her lately?

Things are good with my bf and I right now. Much better than they were, to be sure. We're at one week without sex, and we'll see how far we'll get this time. Of course, now that the objective is to NOT have sex, reverse psychology kicks in. But hey, I'm not complaining.

Still dealing with trust issues here and there, but hey. It's a process. My temper flares up occasionally over tiny things lately, and it always boils down to trust. Still coming to terms with it all and trying to be understanding.

He needs to reboot brahs! He needs power brahs! Charachter and STRENGTH brahs!

Hi HelpUsHelpUS, I'm sorry to hear your situation. I'm not sure if I can offer too much but to an extent I can understand your side, and your partner's problem. Whilst in no way is my porn stash comparable, I feel I have the same issue with PE, and my reckoning is it all derives from porn. Not to compare of course, it's just that I can relate. My partner is very understanding, and I've only just figured it out for myself after a ton of research through here and YBOP, so I've started my own journey of rebooting.

I've just realised this thread is a little old now, but I just wanted to show my support and I hope things are sorting themselves out. I think it's great that you've found this place to seek information.