Coming Back to Reality

I'm going to keep this introduction section as short as possible.  It may have a lot of information, but each piece is important to understand where I am coming from. 

I grew late.  I was 5'4 most of high school, and height isn't everything, but I looked like I was 12.  I was pre-pubescent.  Fortunately, I was not bullied, I had friends and had a decent time socially, romance aside.  However, romantically I was ignored.  This affected my confidence for years and years.  By default I would assume women would want nothing to do with me, since that's how it was in my formative years.

I grew about 7 inches my freshman year of college.  Since then, I've filled out, I dress better, and I know how to carry myself.  I exercise literally every day, and I eat clean.  I went my high school reunion a year and a half ago, people I was good friends with literally did not recognize me.  Even when they saw my name tag.

From the ages of 12-22, I did not touch a girl, but I craved romance.  It was difficult dealing with the apathy that I experienced from the opposite sex.  I know other guys have had it worse - nobody cheated on me, lied to me, or bullied me.  But it was still something I had to deal with. 

Like any guy, I have an ego.  I've got a lot of big strengths working for me - I'm highly intelligent, very personable, and consistently make solid, responsible decisions.  To have a male ego, and stand out in many ways, but be lacking in an area of life that I desperately craved for a while was delivering conflicting information for myself.  One of the ways I fed my ego was to M to women that were more attractive than the women that were rejecting me, and doing things in my fantasies that were more arousing than anything that would happen in person anyway.  It was a defense mechanism, a way of saying "I don't need girls, I've got my fantasies.  Hotter girls doing exactly what I want."

This strategy "worked," in the sense I was more relaxed around women, and rejection didn't mean as much.  Eventually, after I grew, I started having sex.  Understandably, the sex, while existing in reality, was not as arousing as my fantasies.  During sex, I would picture my fantasies to stay hard and get off, even when I was inside of a woman I was attracted to.  Women would make comments to me that I seemed "distant," or "too serious."  It was because I was focusing on something else, instead of living in the experience.  My fantasies made the sexual experiences seem duller.

Clearly, this is not a new concept.  This is why the forum exists, which I am happy to join.  The sense of urgency I have right now is a result of 2 specific instances.

The first was my first love.  I fell in love with a girl for the first time in December of 2015.  We dated for a few months, and the night we first had sex, I was excited to have sex with her because I had feelings for her, but physically I was not there.  I would get hard sometimes, but it would go away quickly (no O, just deflation even before I got inside of her).  I wasn't delivering.  That night, I had the only panic attack of my life.  I had been searching for the girl for me since I was 12.  Part of me believed I had found her.  My internal dialogue regarding sex with other women, was that I wasn't that great because I wasn't emotionally excited about them.  "I'm a romantic," I would tell myself, "I'm not aroused because I need to actually feel connected with her, and that's ok."

Well, lying in bed next to a naked girl that I had strong feelings for, the I had to focus and stress about becoming aroused.  That situation shot my previous theory to hell.  I dated that girl for a few more months, we broke up because she was not showing reciprocal interest.  Now, I do not believe that was the girl for me.  But I broke up with her about a year ago, and am still getting over it, and it occurs to me that if I was better in bed, it may have been different.  I'm seeing that as a positive - if she was the girl for me, this would crush me.  Instead, I was excited about her enough that my poor performance in bed is enough to motivate me to make big changes to improve, but at the same time I am not holding this alternative universe over my head where I could have been happy forever.  In summary, first thing that happened, I was bad in bed with a girl I loved.  We more or less broke up because of it.

Second thing - I got myself off while getting a root canal last week.  You read that right.  When I go to the dentist, I figure it's a good time to fantasize, it takes my mind off of the hardware that was being shoved into my mouth for an hour.  So I did.  I wasn't trying to get myself off, I was simply trying to play out a fantasy.  But because I'm now an expert at fantasizing, I know exactly what I like, and I can play them out slowly so it's like I'm actually watching a movie and experiencing the sensations.  Sure enough, what I was experiencing was too much for me to hold in.  Nobody recognized what happened, they were busy.  And I?d like to point out this isn?t like it had been weeks since I had an O.  I had one the day before.

This brought to my attention that I was getting too good at fantasizing.  It was like having an option to go into the matrix for sex.  Yes, you could have what you want.  But you become more and more detached from reality.  I still crave romance.  Not just sex ? love.  But for me to find love, I have to feel comfortable, and more importantly, confident at being intimate with a woman.  I don?t? want to have panic attacks because I?m worried I?ll mess up the moment because these amazing women won?t live up to the playboy-models doing whatever I want. 

So this is an easy decision.  I believe it will make me more productive, and I believe it will indirectly lead to my finding love and being more confident in bed. 

I?ve set up the milestones for myself recommended on the site ? 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month, 1.5 months, 2 months, 3 months, and 100 days.  I?m doing this cold turkey.  I planned out some little rewards for myself along the way  - today will be Day 3, I will make a ?candy run,? I just go to the convenience store and buy myself some sour patch kids or something.  I like to eat healthy, so this is a treat for me.  I know my bigger ones ? at 100 days, I?ll pay for professional photos to be taken of me for my online profiles.  3 months is a watch.  2 Months is a computer game I really want.  I?ll think of others as time goes on.

Now I will begin the daily entries:

Days 1 and 2:

These were pretty easy.  Whenever I start thinking about ridiculously gorgeous women, I literally shake my head, and engage in something productive.  I can?t fantasize if I?m thinking about my resume.  I?m also using video games as a distraction.  I have a sports game up and running so if I start wandering down the wrong path mentally, I can play an inning.  It?s interactive, engaging, and has absolutely nothing to do with women or intimacy. 

The hardest part of the day for me to get through is the morning.  I always wake up super horny.  My first objective is to get my feet on the ground as soon as possible.  Also, working out and waking up early is helping me, because it makes me tired at night so when I get in bed (which is an easy place to start fantasizing), I go to sleep pretty quickly. 
I pride myself on my discipline.  The longest I?ve gone without M since I started is probably 4 days.  With conviction, and your support, I?m confident I will have a fresh set of online photos on December 6th.

I'm on Day 4, but I guess I'll comment on Day 3.

Everything went fine.  Whenever my mind started to go where I didn't want it, I physically shook my head, and started thinking about who was in the White Sox starting rotation.  It's not easy, because they're terrible right now. 

I don't want to sound cocky, or overly confident, but I might right now.  I believe I can make it to 100 days on my first try.  I don't believe this because I think it is easy, I believe this because over the past 10 years I have constantly pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, and I have developed a resolve and discipline that I am very proud of.  I am strategic, and I intend on executing on those strategies.

I'd love to share my strategies with this community.  Part of me feels my voice will only be partially listened to because I am a newcomer.  If I were to make it to 100 days on my first try, I am hoping some of the gentlemen here may take notice.  This is the only aspect of my life that is out of balance - I am in excellent physical shape, I eat healthy, I have a wonderful relationship with my family and friends, I have a respectable career (data science), I hardly ever drink alcohol (only on social occasions and I rarely drink enough to even have a hangover), and I've never done drugs of any kind.  I'm not saying this to brag.  I have worked for a decade to hone my discipline.  I've learned a lot along the way, and am eager to share it with others. 

Your support means a lot to me.  I want you to hold me to the standard of getting to 100 days.  I've read a lot about relapse on here.  I want to be an example, a role model that will allow others to conquer relapse.

Finished Day 4.  I had a date last night, and although I had a good time with this girl (we've been dating for about 3 months), she's very Catholic, so I highly doubt sex will happen.  We've never done more than kiss, and even when we do, she's pretty arms-length about it.  I'm mainly dating her because when I'm not seeing anyone, I feel I am wasting my youth.  There's a checkbox in my head that gets checked off if I have some dates scheduled.  I start to get really negative if I have nothing going on.

This is relevant now because I'd like to be able to get off somehow, and if it's not going to be from me, I've got some more pressure to find a sex partner, which is a good thing (and kind of the point of doing this!).  It's intimidating to think that there will be no getting off myself until December 5th. 

The toughest part yesterday was when I started thinking about my favorite P videos.  The internet has every possible fantasy you can think of, with gorgeous girls in those situations.  It's a tough thing to stay away from.  My challenge is that not only am I required to not get myself off, I'm intentional about putting as little mental energy into it as possible, even if I'm driving or in a situation where I can't possibly M.  I know I am most vulnerable to those fantasies when my ego is shaken, be it after losing a poker match (I am semi-professional), disappointments in dating (leaving the girl's house yesterday didn't feel great), or hitting a hiccup with my career.

A strategy I employed yesterday which worked was using music. I put on the radio or my pandora, and sing along enthusiastically to the music.  I can't be thinking about my fantasies if I'm focused on the words of songs, and it happens to be a positive distraction as well.  Tony Robbins makes the point that it takes an instant to change your state. 

Anyway, I hit my first milestone two days ago at Day 3, my next is getting past Day 7, which would be three more days including today.  My first objective is to wake up Monday morning without PMO-ing, my second objective is get active in finding women I can sleep with so I don't have to go 100 freaking days without O-ing in any capacity.  I don't want my balls to explode . . .

Finished Day 5, but with a scare.

Last night I had very vivid dreams that I relapsed.  This reinforces to me that I have a problem - I was dreaming about naked women and sex, but it wasn't them having sex with me, I literally dreamt that I was watching P.  In my dream, I was cognizant of the reboot, and even recognized which day I was on.  I remember being frustrated that I had gone 5 days and now had to go back to zero.  The dream was so vivid, I could list off the five or six models I was watching in the dream.

But like any bad dream, waking up is always a relief.  I'm now on Day 6, and still going strong.  I'm optimistic, because if I felt pressure to keep going and not waste the 5 days I've already put it, that productive pressure will only increase as I move further from zero and closer to 100.

My older sister is having my niece today.  I'm pretty sure that will keep me distracted!

Day 6 done.  Pretty big day outside of PMO-avoidance - my niece was born, and I saw my best friend for the first time since he got engaged.  Those are pretty big distractions.

So far, so good.  However I think an advantage over this past week as been I have not been too exposed to women that I am intensely attracted to.  If I were to go to a nightclub, or a strip club, or simply meet a few women on the street I was very attracted to and nothing came of it, I would normally deal with that frustration and disappointment with PMO.  I can say with confidence that those would be triggers, and I haven't really encountered them yet.

If I get through today, I will have hit my second milestone!  I rewarded myself for the first milestone with a candy run.  I'll probably do the same when I wake up Monday being on Day 8.

PS - is there a reason nobody is responding to my posts?  I'm not offended or anything, just curious.

Hey there, RealityCheck,

Good to read your posts. I see a lot of myself in your words. One thing that really jumped out of me is what you said about needing to always date someone for fear that you are somehow wasting your youth if you aren't. I completely get it. Occasionally I try to take a short break from dating, but I tend to fall into a funk when I do. It has something to do with how we define ourselves, I think. This is true for me at least. I think I define myself in part based on who I'm dating, whether the person is attractive, whether I'm good in bed, how interested they are in moving forward.

Fantasy is a slippery slope for me also. Since my main addiction through the years has been porn it has often been easy for me to justify using fantasy to get off. But I'm only kidding myself when I do. Fiction is fiction, whether it's coming from a computer screen or inside my brain.

Thanks for posting your story. I'm looking forward to keeping up with your progress.

Stay strong,
HiP

Thank you for your support HiP!  While I do think it's best that we limit fantasies as much as we can, so when the experience sex in reality it is as exciting and new as possible, I think that defining ourselves by our romantic lives can be healthy.  I envision that once I find my soulmate, I will define myself by how good of a husband I am, and how strong our connection is.  Also, the nice thing about dating someone is that it gives us feedback that we are desired by the opposite sex, which will inevitably make us feel happier.  And people are more productive when they are happier, so while we both recognize that fantasizing too much is unhealthy, I think defining ourselves by our dating life is the opposite.

Milestone 2 complete!

I woke up this morning on Day 8.  This next milestone will be the toughest yet in terms of length, as I need to go another full 7 days to hit milestone 3 (two weeks).  I'll be making another candy run to celebrate the next milestone. 

This actually isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I've read that after two weeks I will start to see some of the effects of the reboot.  I'm very much looking forward to that.  Also, I've become much more active in finding women online to date.  I need to find a backup to the Catholic girl that I'm dating, as sex likely won't come from her.  I said I wouldn't M for 100 days.  I never said I would never be intimate with a woman, so I need to get on that. 

Welcome to the forum! Enjoyed reading your story and will follow. Keep posting, keep fighting.  My advice is to look deeply at the pain/scars/brokenness that causes you to run to PMO to begin with, and tackle that. 

Let me know if I can help in anyway!

On to Day 9!

Thank you for the support, cknfella.  I believe I have identified what causes me to go to PMO, a combination of my sex drive, sexual frustration, and my ego.  For this reason, I believe I know what my triggers are, and I can be on high alert when they hit.

Speaking of, I had a couple of those triggers pop up on Day 8.  I lost a bunch of money playing poker (which happens from time to time).  I count how many times I escaped that reality by delving into PMO.  On Day 8, I simply dealt with it.  I went over the hands I lost, fully got behind the notion that I played well and sometimes I get unlucky, and went on with my day.

The second trigger was at night.  There wasn't anything in particular, I just remembered an amazingly beautiful girl I saw with a guy about a week ago, and how badly I wanted to go home with her.  Often times, that thought would make me angry that he got to fuck her and not me, and my ego would need PMO to feel at ease.  I did succumb to those urges.  However when I was in bed, and I had easy access to PMO, it felt as thought the ice was thinner.  I thought to myself "No one will know if I PMO one time," but then my TRUE self stepped in.  I turned over and went to sleep.

I see two big positives from yesterday.  The first is that I shared this challenge with a friend for the first time, and it turns out he is doing a similar thing.  He was on Day 10, but he said he'd say he was on Day 8 so we were at the same spot.  I'm certain that by not only having you guys doing this with me, but a friend who I can talk to and text doing the same thing will put positive pressure on me to succeed and hit 100 days.

The second big positive, and it may not sound like a positive but hear me out, was that the thought of watching a particular P video got me really excited.  Now, you might be thinking, "doesn't that make it harder to fight the urge to PMO??"  While the answer may be yes, here's why I see that as a positive:  Previously, when I would think about which video to PMO to, there wasn't a lot of excitement behind it.  It was more like grocery shopping.  It was something to do, and that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy it, it means there was not a lot of powerful emotion behind it.  It was everyday, it was somewhat bland.

I see being excited about a P video as progress.  If I'm excited about a P video on Day 8, just imagine how excited I will be to be intimate with a girl on Day 30, or 50, or 100!  Remember, that is my end goal through all of this.  I want to make sex exciting again, so I can perform better, be more confident, enjoy it more, and form a closer bond with whomever I am sleeping with.

I've got a pretty full day today, so I'm likely to stay distracted, and I am fully confident I will get to Day 10.  Let's do this.

Double digits!

Finished Day 9.  It was an emotional day, lots of ups and downs, but for reasons other than what we're discussing, so I won't get into it.

One observation I had: I went to a networking event, and I was much more intentional about meeting women.  There were a several attractive women at the event.  When I was constantly PMO-ing, I know my sense of urgency was much lower in talking to them.  I might not have even approached any of them.  This time, I approached all of them (3), I will see one of them at the next networking event, got the business card of one, and asked one on a date which she agreed to (and I got her number).

This all happened only on Day 9.  I imagine that sense of urgency will get stronger (without hitting desperation).

I did have a scare last night - while trying to fall asleep and lying on my stomach, I started thinking about another one of my favorite models, and I almost came.  I stopped myself, thinking of all the progress I've made, turned over (so there was less pressure on my penis), and eventually fell asleep.  Bring on Day 10.

This is my first entry in the middle of a day when I am really struggling.

I'm sitting alone in my office.  The door locks.  Now, previously it's not like I would pull up hard core porn on my computer and go at it, but I would absolutely fantasize.  I've a break in my work - without getting into detail, I work for a guy during the day that pays my bills, and I'm an entrepreneur when I'm off work.

Anyway, he doesn't give me a lot to do.  So when there's nothing for me to do, nothing's more entertaining than thinking up of the hottest situations with my favorite models.

This is the first time I've got a really strong urge, and the logistics with which I can fantasize.  I'm writing this instead of battling myself.  I will hold strong, I will put my thoughts elsewhere.

I've read a lot of posts lately of guys saying that they have relapsed and set their counters back to zero.  I'm hoping this can be an example to jump on here BEFORE anything happens.  My triggers include - I don't have a lot going on with dating right now, my boss just threatened to fire me, and oh by the way, I haven't had any release in about ten days, which is without a doubt the longest I've gone since, um, discovering what "release" was. 

But I'm holding strong - just focused on making it to Day 11!

Hoo boy.

Big picture, woke up today on Day 11. Yesterday's mission accomplished.

But I'm having the biggest struggles yet to not fantasize, and I've come dangerously close to MO.  As I said in my intro, I am capable of hands-free MO, because my fantasies are vivid.  That's not as much of a problem when it's the middle of the day and I've got work to do.  I would still have to go out of my way to put myself in a mindset to fantasize.

But I'm really struggling in bed at night.  I'm a stomach sleeper, so there's pressure down there, I haven't released in 11 days which is the longest I have ever gone, and because there's nothing immediately to occupy my mind, it's extremely difficult for me to stay away from fantasies.  Even reliving previous sexual encounters enters, which I realize is not the worst thing (at least it is/was real), but the point of this is not to give my brain a dopamine rush.  Now, I made it to today without MO, but I sure as hell came close. 

My strategy for tonight will be to read OUTSIDE OF BED until I am extremely tired, then I'll pass out (hopefully).  I think part of the reason I had so much trouble last night was that I got into bed early since I've been a little sick, but I wasn't tired enough for my head to hit the pillow and fall asleep.  That's what I'll aim for tonight.

My next goal, make it to Day 12.  Closing in on that third milestone . . .

Congrats on making it to 12 days.
I remember a long time ago when I struggled to go even a week without PMO. It?s interesting to read about your milestones and rewards for hitting them. I think I might incorporate a couple of rewards for mines ... something I hadn?t really thought about doing.

If I may make a couple of recommendations:

?The power of now? by Eckhart Tolle. I found this to be quite an interesting read and helpful in fighting the cravings for PMO.

Meditation ? I recently downloaded an app called headspace (I?m sure there will be a load of others available). This battle is essentially a mental battle against our own minds and I?m starting to think meditation can be used to help tame/control/train it into how we want it to behave.

Hang in there and keep going!

I will definitely get headspace, thank you for the advice!

Woke today on Day 12. 

I saw the "great porn experiment" video on this site yesterday.  It scared me into thinking about how my physical brain is structured differently because of porn exposure, however it is liberating to know that there is something specific I can do to heal it.  And the sexual anxiety that I have felt in the past I think is 100% due to this addiction.  I'm convinced I will make it to 100 days.  I know it's early, but as I have said before, the further I go, the more pressure I have to not waste the previous time and to keep pushing.

I did have a minor relapse yesterday.  I was in my car at a stoplight, and part of me just wanted to make sure that one of my favorite videos was still there.  So I did the google search on my phone and saw the search result pop up.  No M, definitely no O, and I hardly looked at it, more like just recognized its existence.  Obviously, not enough for me to set the counter to zero. 

I know one of my triggers is when my self-esteem droops, which it happens to do at work nowadays.  I'm trying to get out ASAP - so when that situation gets better, I think the triggers will happen less.  3 more days until milestone #3!

This post will not be like the others.

Today is Day 12.  I'd like to remind you of my objective for doing this - I want to make my brain more sensitive to being in a situation with a REAL woman so it is exciting in my dating life, and I won't have PIED (or anxiety about getting it). 

With that being said, my mentor is in from out of town, and wanted to go to a strip club.  He's not in town often, and I even tried suggesting a different venue, I told him about the challenge, and he basically said I'm overreacting and it's fine.  I called a buddy of mine who is doing the challenge with me (he's on the same day).  He has done a lot of the brain research.  I asked him if I could keep my counter if I don't PMO, or MO, and go to a strip club.  I asked am I still rewiring my brain.  He said you're not helping, but it's obviously not as bad as PMO.  I agreed - since y whole objective is to be excited by real women, so if it's in a strip club, it's ok if my brain gets some dopamine.  Sure, a lap dance isn't exactly like intimacy with an actual romantic partner, but it's a ton closer to sex than my fantasies or favorite videos.

So the first girl that chats with me is realistically attractive, we talk for a while, she takes me for a dance.  I was hard the whole time, she grinded on me, I enjoyed it, I probably could have gotten off if I focused on her, but I didn't want to.  The key variable here is I was NOT fantasizing.  I was living in the moment and was turned on - which is my goal!  These are the kinds of situations I want to be excited by.  In the past, when getting lap dances, I would make up a situation as to why this girl was dancing on me, instead of having the contact and nudity be enough to arouse me.  In other words, I'm already seeing progress.

The second girl was unattractive. I got a dance from her, I wasn't turned on by her.

The last girl was very exotic looking, a Puerto Rican with dazzling blue eyes. I swear to god what comes next is what happened.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

We chatted for about 5 minutes, then she started positioning her legs so they were on the outside of mine.  She then leaned in and started making out with me.  That's never happened to me before in a strip club. She was using tongue, and then went to my neck and started to nibble, bit, and suck.  I did the same to her.  She asked me if I wanted to dance.  I said yes, figuring it would be the most risqu? dance I would ever get.

I was right.

She literally grabbed my dick through my pants as soon as I sat down, started grinding on me, showed me her pussy, and we dry humped the entire time.  I was bouncing her hard right on my dick (through the pants) to the point that she came.  She made out with me some more.  While we were dry humping, I came close to orgasming, but didn't want to get there.

When she finished, she asked me if I wanted to take it outside.  That's where I draw the line.  Sex with a stripper is not something I can explain to my future wife.  That's not something I want to hide either.  And I'm concerned about STD's.  I paid for the dance and returned to my mentor.

I swear to god, I'm home now, and I will not P, M, or O.  I like to think I am still on Day 12, and tomorrow will be Day 13, as the dopamine hit I took tonight was from real women, and in one case, real attraction.

Do you agree?

Maybe it's ok who knows... I would not do anything like that in my 100 days reboot because it can become a trigger afterwards.
Starting with something like that and going home horny as hell... Maybe with some booze... Dangerous thing  ;D

So this is the night of Day 13.  If you read my previous post, you might be wondering if I followed through with my promise to not PMO (or MO) after going to the strip club.  I did.  Today was indeed Day 13.

I'm going to sleep shortly, meaning it will be Day 14 shortly.  However, I told my mentor today about my reboot, and he is against it.  He said I should back away from the porn, but my fantasizing is natural and will always be there, it's not taking away from my career, and I need a release to not feel irritable and stressed.

I am not saying I am following his advice right away, but I'd appreciate some guidance on this.  I will make a post in the normal thread as well.  Is it ok for me to masturbate to fantasies?  If I stay away from porn, will that help my brain rewire to be more sensitive to a real woman I'm being intimate with?

Thank you for your support, I am assuming that I should not MO in any capacity for 100 days until I hear otherwise.

I'm sure you're mentor is a great guy, but this is some pretty niche stuff. He probably doesn't know about all the damage that fantasy can cause, but I mean if you really feel like he is guiding you in the right direction and is well informed on the topic, I'd say go with what he says. Just do what you feel is right