RealityCheck
Active Member
I'm going to keep this introduction section as short as possible. It may have a lot of information, but each piece is important to understand where I am coming from.
I grew late. I was 5'4 most of high school, and height isn't everything, but I looked like I was 12. I was pre-pubescent. Fortunately, I was not bullied, I had friends and had a decent time socially, romance aside. However, romantically I was ignored. This affected my confidence for years and years. By default I would assume women would want nothing to do with me, since that's how it was in my formative years.
I grew about 7 inches my freshman year of college. Since then, I've filled out, I dress better, and I know how to carry myself. I exercise literally every day, and I eat clean. I went my high school reunion a year and a half ago, people I was good friends with literally did not recognize me. Even when they saw my name tag.
From the ages of 12-22, I did not touch a girl, but I craved romance. It was difficult dealing with the apathy that I experienced from the opposite sex. I know other guys have had it worse - nobody cheated on me, lied to me, or bullied me. But it was still something I had to deal with.
Like any guy, I have an ego. I've got a lot of big strengths working for me - I'm highly intelligent, very personable, and consistently make solid, responsible decisions. To have a male ego, and stand out in many ways, but be lacking in an area of life that I desperately craved for a while was delivering conflicting information for myself. One of the ways I fed my ego was to M to women that were more attractive than the women that were rejecting me, and doing things in my fantasies that were more arousing than anything that would happen in person anyway. It was a defense mechanism, a way of saying "I don't need girls, I've got my fantasies. Hotter girls doing exactly what I want."
This strategy "worked," in the sense I was more relaxed around women, and rejection didn't mean as much. Eventually, after I grew, I started having sex. Understandably, the sex, while existing in reality, was not as arousing as my fantasies. During sex, I would picture my fantasies to stay hard and get off, even when I was inside of a woman I was attracted to. Women would make comments to me that I seemed "distant," or "too serious." It was because I was focusing on something else, instead of living in the experience. My fantasies made the sexual experiences seem duller.
Clearly, this is not a new concept. This is why the forum exists, which I am happy to join. The sense of urgency I have right now is a result of 2 specific instances.
The first was my first love. I fell in love with a girl for the first time in December of 2015. We dated for a few months, and the night we first had sex, I was excited to have sex with her because I had feelings for her, but physically I was not there. I would get hard sometimes, but it would go away quickly (no O, just deflation even before I got inside of her). I wasn't delivering. That night, I had the only panic attack of my life. I had been searching for the girl for me since I was 12. Part of me believed I had found her. My internal dialogue regarding sex with other women, was that I wasn't that great because I wasn't emotionally excited about them. "I'm a romantic," I would tell myself, "I'm not aroused because I need to actually feel connected with her, and that's ok."
Well, lying in bed next to a naked girl that I had strong feelings for, the I had to focus and stress about becoming aroused. That situation shot my previous theory to hell. I dated that girl for a few more months, we broke up because she was not showing reciprocal interest. Now, I do not believe that was the girl for me. But I broke up with her about a year ago, and am still getting over it, and it occurs to me that if I was better in bed, it may have been different. I'm seeing that as a positive - if she was the girl for me, this would crush me. Instead, I was excited about her enough that my poor performance in bed is enough to motivate me to make big changes to improve, but at the same time I am not holding this alternative universe over my head where I could have been happy forever. In summary, first thing that happened, I was bad in bed with a girl I loved. We more or less broke up because of it.
Second thing - I got myself off while getting a root canal last week. You read that right. When I go to the dentist, I figure it's a good time to fantasize, it takes my mind off of the hardware that was being shoved into my mouth for an hour. So I did. I wasn't trying to get myself off, I was simply trying to play out a fantasy. But because I'm now an expert at fantasizing, I know exactly what I like, and I can play them out slowly so it's like I'm actually watching a movie and experiencing the sensations. Sure enough, what I was experiencing was too much for me to hold in. Nobody recognized what happened, they were busy. And I?d like to point out this isn?t like it had been weeks since I had an O. I had one the day before.
This brought to my attention that I was getting too good at fantasizing. It was like having an option to go into the matrix for sex. Yes, you could have what you want. But you become more and more detached from reality. I still crave romance. Not just sex ? love. But for me to find love, I have to feel comfortable, and more importantly, confident at being intimate with a woman. I don?t? want to have panic attacks because I?m worried I?ll mess up the moment because these amazing women won?t live up to the playboy-models doing whatever I want.
So this is an easy decision. I believe it will make me more productive, and I believe it will indirectly lead to my finding love and being more confident in bed.
I?ve set up the milestones for myself recommended on the site ? 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month, 1.5 months, 2 months, 3 months, and 100 days. I?m doing this cold turkey. I planned out some little rewards for myself along the way - today will be Day 3, I will make a ?candy run,? I just go to the convenience store and buy myself some sour patch kids or something. I like to eat healthy, so this is a treat for me. I know my bigger ones ? at 100 days, I?ll pay for professional photos to be taken of me for my online profiles. 3 months is a watch. 2 Months is a computer game I really want. I?ll think of others as time goes on.
Now I will begin the daily entries:
Days 1 and 2:
These were pretty easy. Whenever I start thinking about ridiculously gorgeous women, I literally shake my head, and engage in something productive. I can?t fantasize if I?m thinking about my resume. I?m also using video games as a distraction. I have a sports game up and running so if I start wandering down the wrong path mentally, I can play an inning. It?s interactive, engaging, and has absolutely nothing to do with women or intimacy.
The hardest part of the day for me to get through is the morning. I always wake up super horny. My first objective is to get my feet on the ground as soon as possible. Also, working out and waking up early is helping me, because it makes me tired at night so when I get in bed (which is an easy place to start fantasizing), I go to sleep pretty quickly.
I pride myself on my discipline. The longest I?ve gone without M since I started is probably 4 days. With conviction, and your support, I?m confident I will have a fresh set of online photos on December 6th.
I grew late. I was 5'4 most of high school, and height isn't everything, but I looked like I was 12. I was pre-pubescent. Fortunately, I was not bullied, I had friends and had a decent time socially, romance aside. However, romantically I was ignored. This affected my confidence for years and years. By default I would assume women would want nothing to do with me, since that's how it was in my formative years.
I grew about 7 inches my freshman year of college. Since then, I've filled out, I dress better, and I know how to carry myself. I exercise literally every day, and I eat clean. I went my high school reunion a year and a half ago, people I was good friends with literally did not recognize me. Even when they saw my name tag.
From the ages of 12-22, I did not touch a girl, but I craved romance. It was difficult dealing with the apathy that I experienced from the opposite sex. I know other guys have had it worse - nobody cheated on me, lied to me, or bullied me. But it was still something I had to deal with.
Like any guy, I have an ego. I've got a lot of big strengths working for me - I'm highly intelligent, very personable, and consistently make solid, responsible decisions. To have a male ego, and stand out in many ways, but be lacking in an area of life that I desperately craved for a while was delivering conflicting information for myself. One of the ways I fed my ego was to M to women that were more attractive than the women that were rejecting me, and doing things in my fantasies that were more arousing than anything that would happen in person anyway. It was a defense mechanism, a way of saying "I don't need girls, I've got my fantasies. Hotter girls doing exactly what I want."
This strategy "worked," in the sense I was more relaxed around women, and rejection didn't mean as much. Eventually, after I grew, I started having sex. Understandably, the sex, while existing in reality, was not as arousing as my fantasies. During sex, I would picture my fantasies to stay hard and get off, even when I was inside of a woman I was attracted to. Women would make comments to me that I seemed "distant," or "too serious." It was because I was focusing on something else, instead of living in the experience. My fantasies made the sexual experiences seem duller.
Clearly, this is not a new concept. This is why the forum exists, which I am happy to join. The sense of urgency I have right now is a result of 2 specific instances.
The first was my first love. I fell in love with a girl for the first time in December of 2015. We dated for a few months, and the night we first had sex, I was excited to have sex with her because I had feelings for her, but physically I was not there. I would get hard sometimes, but it would go away quickly (no O, just deflation even before I got inside of her). I wasn't delivering. That night, I had the only panic attack of my life. I had been searching for the girl for me since I was 12. Part of me believed I had found her. My internal dialogue regarding sex with other women, was that I wasn't that great because I wasn't emotionally excited about them. "I'm a romantic," I would tell myself, "I'm not aroused because I need to actually feel connected with her, and that's ok."
Well, lying in bed next to a naked girl that I had strong feelings for, the I had to focus and stress about becoming aroused. That situation shot my previous theory to hell. I dated that girl for a few more months, we broke up because she was not showing reciprocal interest. Now, I do not believe that was the girl for me. But I broke up with her about a year ago, and am still getting over it, and it occurs to me that if I was better in bed, it may have been different. I'm seeing that as a positive - if she was the girl for me, this would crush me. Instead, I was excited about her enough that my poor performance in bed is enough to motivate me to make big changes to improve, but at the same time I am not holding this alternative universe over my head where I could have been happy forever. In summary, first thing that happened, I was bad in bed with a girl I loved. We more or less broke up because of it.
Second thing - I got myself off while getting a root canal last week. You read that right. When I go to the dentist, I figure it's a good time to fantasize, it takes my mind off of the hardware that was being shoved into my mouth for an hour. So I did. I wasn't trying to get myself off, I was simply trying to play out a fantasy. But because I'm now an expert at fantasizing, I know exactly what I like, and I can play them out slowly so it's like I'm actually watching a movie and experiencing the sensations. Sure enough, what I was experiencing was too much for me to hold in. Nobody recognized what happened, they were busy. And I?d like to point out this isn?t like it had been weeks since I had an O. I had one the day before.
This brought to my attention that I was getting too good at fantasizing. It was like having an option to go into the matrix for sex. Yes, you could have what you want. But you become more and more detached from reality. I still crave romance. Not just sex ? love. But for me to find love, I have to feel comfortable, and more importantly, confident at being intimate with a woman. I don?t? want to have panic attacks because I?m worried I?ll mess up the moment because these amazing women won?t live up to the playboy-models doing whatever I want.
So this is an easy decision. I believe it will make me more productive, and I believe it will indirectly lead to my finding love and being more confident in bed.
I?ve set up the milestones for myself recommended on the site ? 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month, 1.5 months, 2 months, 3 months, and 100 days. I?m doing this cold turkey. I planned out some little rewards for myself along the way - today will be Day 3, I will make a ?candy run,? I just go to the convenience store and buy myself some sour patch kids or something. I like to eat healthy, so this is a treat for me. I know my bigger ones ? at 100 days, I?ll pay for professional photos to be taken of me for my online profiles. 3 months is a watch. 2 Months is a computer game I really want. I?ll think of others as time goes on.
Now I will begin the daily entries:
Days 1 and 2:
These were pretty easy. Whenever I start thinking about ridiculously gorgeous women, I literally shake my head, and engage in something productive. I can?t fantasize if I?m thinking about my resume. I?m also using video games as a distraction. I have a sports game up and running so if I start wandering down the wrong path mentally, I can play an inning. It?s interactive, engaging, and has absolutely nothing to do with women or intimacy.
The hardest part of the day for me to get through is the morning. I always wake up super horny. My first objective is to get my feet on the ground as soon as possible. Also, working out and waking up early is helping me, because it makes me tired at night so when I get in bed (which is an easy place to start fantasizing), I go to sleep pretty quickly.
I pride myself on my discipline. The longest I?ve gone without M since I started is probably 4 days. With conviction, and your support, I?m confident I will have a fresh set of online photos on December 6th.