Author Topic: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.  (Read 438 times)

Maximus76

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Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« on: August 07, 2017, 07:54:16 AM »
Simply put: PMO makes me feel bad, function bad and swallows my life. It has to go!!!





« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 10:59:20 AM by Maximus76 »

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2017, 10:55:01 AM »
Day 6

Relapsed after the first post but is up and running again.  I'm expecting urges to hit at anytime now when I'm closing in to the one week mark.

I have had a lot of anxiety the last couple of days. Really bugging me but....this too shall pass!

Some info about me:

- I live in Scandinavia  (so pls forgive me if  spelling errors happens )
- Currently single
- Have no children or ex wife. (Never been married but I have had about 15-20 girls friends (some just for a few days and others a few years)
- I struggle with social anxiety, panic attacks, shyness and depression. I'm calling it my war and almost every day I'm fighting a battle. I do, however, become better and better at coping with it thanks to years of experience, supplements, tools and tricks.
- Have low libido, probably because of desensitization from the long PMO sessions I had in my last 10 years.
- I'm in fairly good shape an live a pretty healthy life EXEPT: alcohol...I would be wise cutting that shit waaay down but I must admit I have a love/hate relationship to it.

I love the idea of growing, developing and improving. In every way, and cutting out PMO would, no doubt, be one thing that would improve my life significantly!



« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 11:13:42 AM by Maximus76 »

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2017, 02:27:44 AM »
Day 7

That's one week! Anxiety and worry is pretty high right now....

Today I am grateful for:

- My house
- My parents
- My steady job

TakeActionNow

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2017, 07:41:11 AM »
Max,
You're doing well and is on the right track.
Keep yourself busy and constantly focusing on the positives
Purpose before Person

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2017, 03:16:27 AM »
Day 8

A little bit more "core confidence" today....I welcome that!

TakeActionNow, Thank you so much for the support. We have to do this now.

Today I'm grateful for:

- My friends
- The pain in my body from yesterdays workout  (means that it was a good one)
- For my low sugar diet

TakeActionNow

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2017, 04:07:13 AM »
Some info about me:

a]- I live in Scandinavia  (so pls forgive me if  spelling errors happens )
b]- Currently single
c]- Have no children or ex wife. (Never been married but I have had about 15-20 girls friends (some just for a few days and others a few years)
d]- I struggle with social anxiety, panic attacks, shyness and depression. I'm calling it my war and almost every day I'm fighting a battle. I do, however, become better and better at coping with it thanks to years of experience, supplements, tools and tricks.
e]- Have low libido, probably because of desensitization from the long PMO sessions I had in my last 10 years.
f]- I'm in fairly good shape an live a pretty healthy life EXEPT: alcohol...I would be wise cutting that shit waaay down but I must admit I have a love/hate relationship to it.
g]I love the idea of growing, developing and improving. In every way, and cutting out PMO would, no doubt, be one thing that would improve my life significantly!

Max:
I am same with you on b,c,d,e,f,g. (especially g !) Except the alcohol part. I drink very little now because i am super focused on my sports performance.

That you are here, and have [g], I don't see [d] as a natural or long term issue for you.
Instead, I believe, as with myself, PMO and our incorrect assumptions have created this situation in us.

The more you do not PMO and instead focus on [g], the more you will feel [d] leaving you and start to gain a brighter outlook in life, people and things in general.

The part i have bold is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO DO NOW

Focus all your energy to TRANSFORMING YOUR LIFE
1. Give best 100% effort in whatever your do
2. live every second of each day with meaning, purpose, focus and goals
3. Get books adn podcasts and tedtalks to teach yourself positive, growth and giving outlook/mindset/attitude

PMO is part of instant gratification, negativity, depression and pessimism.
These practices contribute to weakness, whinyness, irresponsibility and dependence on others.
These leads to a dark and sad life because we are not working towards meaningful long term goals and benefits.

To live happy and healthy life, do only these
- Go out and enjoy the sun more.
- Go exercise with a purpose (like a race or some targets)
- Go study and make your brain better
- Go work hard and make your spirit stronger
- Be grateful everyday (you already are!)
- sleep and wake early
- eat well and take best care of yourself
- spend more time with people, especially good ones, and help others as often as you can.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 04:14:29 AM by TakeActionNow »
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Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2017, 02:55:20 AM »
Day 9

Morningwood is slowly returning again. After the last binges it has been pretty dead during the nights/mornings.

TakeActionNow,  Thanks there was a lot of good advice you gave there. Really appreciate that.

"Get books adn podcasts and tedtalks to teach yourself positive, growth and giving outlook/mindset/attitude", This I have been doing the last 5-6 years and really hardcore. And things have improved but there is a LOT more work to do for me. Gotta love the challenge though. I also exercie almost every day and try to be grateful but I really want to keep growing and I REALLY need to learn how to be more mindful and spiritual.

Thanks for the support brother.

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2017, 04:13:46 AM »
Hi Max,
It looks to me that you have all the attributes to see this through to a successful end and I think TAN's advice is superb and work on all his suggestions. For myself (as a fellow Scandinavian), I am on day 60 of the reboot program and doing well despite the urges that I have successfully ignored and look forward to a future that is PMO free

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2017, 02:44:12 AM »
Day 10


It's  a samll a sense of achievement when the counter turns to double digits.  It would be awesome to get to se the tripple digit some day!  :)

Rico, Congrats on day 60 fellow Scandinavian! I hope I get there some day too....in about 50 days :)  Thank you for your encouragement brother. It feels good to have your support.

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2017, 08:56:38 AM »
 Hullo Max, Yes my friend, we are in this together!  I know the road is going to be rough and this morning I had to suppress that crazy urge to M but so far so good.   I find that I cope far better when I am extremely busy....too much time on your hands can be a disaster.  Just keep doing the right thing and BE STRONG.

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #10 on: August 25, 2017, 03:37:01 AM »
Day 11

I feel a deep calmness in my body. This is good. Very good!!!

The weekend is coming up on us and I have entered in to second week. That is a dangerous combination when it comes to relapse risk. Unfortunatly I have seen it happen to me maaaany times. I WILL stay on my guard.

Rico, Yes, freetime can be dangerous. Especially if we don't have anything planned and are only "drifing" and going along...then it is easy for a sudden urge to grab oa and we start to follow it.



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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #11 on: August 25, 2017, 04:33:24 AM »
Hi Max,
I am please for you that you are doing well albeit only day 11; take each day one at a time and don't look too far forward....and you must consider how far back all this started and the incredible damage that has been done along the way.  For myself, it has been a big battle having started with porn after my divorce about 15 years ago and then a break for many years when I had the most wonderful gf who sadly now has an incurable disease and had me, very selfishly, resort to P again. But as mentioned, I think I am on top of this crazy affliction and look forward to a life without PMO.
Keep strong Max.....the reward will be HUGE.

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2017, 04:32:43 AM »
Day 12

Saturday and a holliday in my country. I want to work on my project instead of letting the feelings of emptyness hit me.


Roic, sorry to hear that you have had it rough but, as you say, things will get better and we will feel stronger for doing this. Thanks for the support brother! It's heartwarming!


Today I'm grateful for:

- I have calmness in my body
- My mother and father
- Low sugar diet

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2017, 03:13:57 AM »
Day 13

I have learned something about myself the last couple of months of trying to better my life. Seems like I'm an now pretty able to handle urges, being horny and sudden triggers that pop up when surfing but there is one thing I have not learned how to cope with and that is when I get dissapointed after some personal setback of some kind. When those happen I slip and get into a wrong mindset of "what's the point sith everything". I guess the trcik would be to be on top of that feeling at the very moment it starts to happen. Notice it and know what's going on.

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2017, 11:59:52 PM »
Hullo Max, I think you're doing well....Regarding those feelings that follow on from personal attacks, some sturdy exercise or a cold shower might distract you and help to rearrange your thought pattern, but then again, when it happens it could well be that this action can't possibly happen and you will have to train your mind to be more POSITIVE and to know that it is all so worth while. As is said "Been there, done that, got the blazer and the badge". Socializing is also so important and perhaps try extending your circle of
friends, take a friend to the movies, invite somebody home for a meal'
Keep up the good work and have fun.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #15 on: August 28, 2017, 12:34:52 AM »
Day 13

when I get dissapointed after some personal setback of some kind. When those happen I slip and get into a wrong mindset of "what's the point sith everything". I guess the trcik would be to be on top of that feeling at the very moment it starts to happen. Notice it and know what's going on.

Max,
that's the inner critic talking.
You are correct. Awareness is key and is the first step.
Listen to this youtube, he is very inspiring.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY3K6phqyrM
He lost but he has character.
When we are down, we can dwell or deny the depression.
I say deny
this is a learning phase. Find the things that motivate you and keep doing them.
Loss will happen but your goals remain.
You are strong and able.
Purpose before Person

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #16 on: September 09, 2017, 03:56:38 PM »
Guys...I have let you down and relapsed. Felt ashamed and thought that I should hide myself and not write anymore.

Well...that was my first thoughts. Then I read your words, and took them to me....read other great, inspiring posts and though: FUCK IT!!!! I have nothing to be ashamed for....I have got issues with this porn thing but, who is 100% free from issues in life anyways???

I want to be honest, authentic and open so here goes: I have relapsed and I am now on day 6

To get use to beeing open, and myself, in order to finally overcome my social anxiety I will even post my first youtube video here. The Video has nothing to do with porn or addiction. It is just me, playing my musical instrument, in honour of my beloved dog that recently passed away. When I was playing this music I had a picture of him on my music stand....the point of the music video is to show emotion in music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mNRK2cHYbw
« Last Edit: September 09, 2017, 04:04:17 PM by Maximus76 »

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #17 on: September 09, 2017, 11:21:32 PM »
Hey Max,
You play a mean Trumpet my man!  I am mightily impressed and further impressed by the fact that you  have picked yourself up after your relapse and back in the saddle so to speak........and you will succeed!   I came pretty close yesterday to a relapse but manage to pull myself together; perhaps not quite the correct choice of words but I am adamant that I will stay "clean".
Stay strong my friend as you travel this rocky road.

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2017, 03:55:45 AM »
Day 7

Thank you Rico, Means a lot to me :)



Woke up with extreme anxiety. Ahh..one of those starts. I hope  the day  get's better once I'm up and running.

Maximus76

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2017, 01:49:14 AM »
Day 10

So far so good.

Today I am grateful for:

-My house
-My friends
- This forum

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2017, 06:35:30 AM »
Thanks for sharing Max. I've just read through your previous posts and a few things struck me. First, you wrote about feeling shame regarding a recent relapse. Then in the same post you shared, "I have nothing to be ashamed for....I have got issues with this porn thing but, who is 100% free from issues in life anyways???" Amen to that my friend. Shame was one of the biggest drivers of my addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation. It was compounded shame: meaning I'd PMO (watch porn, masturbate, then orgasm), feel shame about it, and then watch more porn to overcome the shame. It was a downward spiral. Second, you shared about various issues like social anxiety. I suffered from depression, anger, insomnia and social anxiety. As I learned from reading "Your Brain on Porn" most of these were due to my f*cked up brain chemistry due to my porn/dopamine addiction. Thanks again for sharing brother and please keep coming back. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #21 on: September 13, 2017, 09:38:17 AM »
Hi Max,
Good to see you still soldiering on....that is indeed praiseworthy.   And Lyon is so right, shame must not come into the equation.
Have just now been watching two videos, one by Noah Church at The Mystery Box and the other, Gabe Deem and Noah interviewing each other and I found them both illuminating and powerful, if you haven't already availed yourself of this opportunity.
Keep strong and make your life enjoyable.  Rico

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #22 on: September 16, 2017, 03:17:50 AM »
Day 1

95% of my relapses happens after I have been awake for more than 12 hours. That is something I should consider when I make my rebooting plans. Not that I should go to bed after 12 hours but perhaps my internet use should only be allowed for the first 12 hours and after that: shut down.

Thanks for posting guys! I really appriciate it. Yeah the shame thing...It is difficult for me and it comes and goes. One moment I feel like I have nothing to be ashamed for, (and honestly I know I don't) but then the next minute I'm scared shitless to show myself to the world. Even going outside of the house can be a bit of a struggle.

The brain chemistry, I'm a big believer in that as well....it will reach a better balance after a few months clean...I mean porn beeing such a super normal stimuli...it hase to affect it negatively

Today I'm grateful for:

- Weekend and free time
- My passion for trumpet playing
- My parents

TakeActionNow

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #23 on: September 16, 2017, 03:46:56 AM »
Max,

it is honest and brave of you to acknowledge what has happened.
I too have relapsed several times.
Each time serves as a very important lesson in understanding ourselves and our triggers

Perhaps the following can help:
1. Be wary of your body.
Apply HALT to watch over weak times.
Hungry/Happy
Angry/Anxiety
Lonely
Tired
There is also Sadness and Depression triggers to watch over too
Urges usually peak in 7 days. Sportsmen use this for performance management.

2. Use technology to help you.
openDNS family shield has worked for me
https://www.opendns.com/setupguide/#familyshield

3. Set your goals 1st thing in the morning, including marking today as a nofap day.
It's amazing how this simple act 1st thing in the morning primes our subconscious to do as it is told
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=org.isoron.uhabits

4. Focus on long term goals.
I am keeping a meaningful personal target to be PMO free by end Nov due to an event happening then
I want to direct my time use to personal growth, like studying, learning and meditation.
I am making effort to reduce time spent on meaningless events like facebooking.
Through this we are educating ourselves to create new habits and behaviors that do not revolve around instant gratification, cravings and immediate emotional address.

5. Spend more time thinking and planning, to better develop independence and independent thought, and cut down immediate emotional responses.

Over these last few months of starting and restarting, I feel I've understood myself a whole lot more
I've come to appreciate what is important in my life
And try to steer clear of external stimuli in people or data that are unimportant to me.
I need to be responsible for my actions and decisions and learn to forgive and let go and keep moving forward in belief and conviction.
The more time i spend away from PMO, the better i feel about myself, the more confident i feel, and the more grounded i am.

I believe you are seeking the same too.

Please keep adding videos of your trumpet playing.
I think they are great.
Perhaps you can even take the opportunity to video whenever you have an urge.
Channel that energy into trumpet play !
Purpose before Person

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Re: Time for this 41 year old to make a journal.
« Reply #24 on: September 16, 2017, 04:39:11 PM »
Thanks for sharing Max and good on you for seeing a pattern to your relapses. I read a book that really helped me with something similar. I believe it was entitled "Breaking the Cycle." You should check it out my friend because it explains a lot of what you're doing as well as providing some other techniques for breaking the cycle of addiction. Hope that helps brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.