Author Topic: A new chapter?  (Read 2732 times)

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #50 on: September 13, 2017, 08:58:24 AM »
thanks Toph.

I'm at work (empty office) and I was reading an excellent article on self-esteem (link below; worth a read), which made reference to escaping from reality. In addition I have been thinking about going back to therapy. Suddenly, I typed something in the search engine and opened four tabs in incognito of hot women. Not porn. No nudity (one was close). I felt the start of an erection and my heart beating fast. This lasted a maximum of 45-60 seconds. But it was too long. One second is too long. I do not have room in my life for this anymore. Another few seconds, or practically speaking another couple of tabs and I could have been reviewing porn. Even if it's softcore/porn subs, etc - NO. NO MORE. I WILL NOT DO THIS TO MYSELF, MY WIFE, OUR FUTURE.

Instead, I literally said to myself that I must not do this. I set a timer for 3 minutes and meditated/breathed. I then starting to listen to a video about family and relationships. And I have come here. The moment has passed. It has been and gone.

This is progress because I have let it pass, rather than trying to 'fight it'.



http://www.nathanielbranden.com/what-self-esteem-is-and-is-not

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #51 on: September 18, 2017, 03:45:10 PM »
Today marks 30 days. I'm at a hotel on my own and temptation crossed my mind but then I dismissed the idea. However I do need to consciously reject the thought of looking at porn (there is a difference). Also, the fact is that I am still thinking about porn (aka lust / sexual desire etc). So that will of course take a long time, at least 90 days but probably a lot longer. So I must avoid complacency in the coming weeks. Progress but still early days.

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #52 on: September 19, 2017, 04:29:11 AM »
Finding it hard this morning, sex drive is high (maybe cos I had sex with my wife yesterday), also bc I had a day at the beach so obvious temptation.

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #53 on: September 20, 2017, 09:23:45 AM »
Aargh, it's been so difficult today. I'm at the office alone and temptation has been knocking at my door (not literally!). For the first time in a month I have been 'giving in' by browsing, although I have NOT seen any porn or sub-porn per se. Just nonsense. Maybe a couple of model type pictures but nothing inappropriate per se. It's just one of those days when I feel a little insecure about life events so p*** is trying to creep its way back into steeling my life. What a lie! I am trying to focus on rejecting this temptation and be honest and truthful to myself.

Good luck with your own journey.

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #54 on: September 25, 2017, 10:58:30 AM »
Last night I lapsed after 34 days. It was the end of an exhausting day and I was alone. It was at the point when I should have switched off my electronic devices and meditation; I knew it, but soon ‘found myself’ browsing for model/lingerie pictures. I was hard and touching myself over my trousers and when I nearly climaxed I switched it off. For a moment I had a reality check, but not sufficient enough to change my behaviour as within a minute I was back online, this time looking at a few porn pictures. I knew it was ‘wrong’ and despite having awareness throughout of a racing heartbeat I simply carried on.
I have to say, the whole experience was a strange one. The past 34 days had been really good because I knew it would be hard and I managed well to ride the waves on several occasions. I knew I was being tested and I responded with a sense of duty and purpose. It made me feel good about myself and these past few weeks have (generally) been great in terms of my concentration, productivity, happiness and energy levels.
This morning, I tried to make a conscious decision for last night’s lapse not to become a relapse. I cannot afford for it to all-consume my mind, but yet I must learn from it. Despite feeling an incredible rush of anxiety as I ended the porn use and tried to sleep last night, I made a decision this morning to not let that same anxiety creep-in and take over my mind just like porn itself did for 30 minutes or so yesterday.
So how do I feel now? Disappointed  – big time.  I’m not angry with myself and not trying to be hard on myself as I knew I was exhausted and alone. But I have massive regret for not committing to my gut instinct which was to meditate (prior to the lapse). For perhaps the first time in circa a month of withdrawal, I was nowhere near ready and prepared to take action (e.g. change environment, mediate or pray, etc) and that is fundamentally the main reason why porn took over. Because it still does have that power over me. I am still an addict (and perhaps will always be one). But as long as I am prepared for it to show its face and subsequently for me to battle any such temptation – that is when I have a strong chance of winning. And if I can win one battle at a time then my brain will start to re-wire and it will eventually become second nature to me. This is my lesson. It came at a hard-price but if I actually internalise it and stay focused on building upon my overall recent successes, then last night will be a lapse, but not a relapse.

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #55 on: September 27, 2017, 08:00:09 AM »
Yesterday me mind was plagued with thoughts of porn; every women I saw in the street I imagine things which were inappropriate. This is after 34 days clean and then some sub p/porn images and it has taken over my mind. Its so hard to accept after that feeling of being (psychologically) free from withdrawing and abstaining from porn. It also possessed my dreams at night.

But today is a new day. On route to a work meeting this morning I had to force myself not to chat-up some hot neighbour when walking by; I also saw a smoking hot girl but as we passed each other by on the street (of course she didn't look at me the same way) I told myself not to look back at her; she is a real life fantasy. Fine. So what? I am married and we are expecting a child, so I'm not going to flirt with her and knock-her up. I need to re-learn to reject fantasy. I must not think about sex with other women or any such thought if I am serious about leaving porn related behaviours for once and for all.

RealityCheck

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #56 on: September 27, 2017, 09:32:56 AM »
One day at a time . . .STAY ENGAGED!

longtimequitter

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #57 on: September 27, 2017, 07:32:59 PM »
The porn substitutes and mental fantasy are a slippery slide back to PMO for me. I know this but when I do it, I rationalise, that I am not doing anything wrong, and it's too enjoyable to stop. It only brings more suffering though. I suppose we all know this, but convincing ourselves once triggered is the difficult part. I hope you can find a way through this period, 30+ days clean is a big achievement. It is my goal right now, to go 30 days without porn and masturbation. Don't throw it away bro, it's never worth it.

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #58 on: September 28, 2017, 11:49:20 AM »
I know to never give up, but it is about reconditioning our thoughts (and subsequently our behaviours) for the moment the triggers fight back, because they will.

The past few days since my PMO (4 days ago) I have definitely lost the 'joy' I had been feeling before acting out; anxiety has returned as well as regular thoughts/fantasies about women.

Need to cleanse my mind and body.

longtimequitter

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #59 on: September 28, 2017, 06:28:48 PM »
It's tough to get started again. I have the same problem, especially after a long streak. I misread the post and didn't realise you had relapsed. All you can do is take it one day at a time and resist those urges to ogle, fantasise or use porn substitutes. We are in the fight together, I am struggling at the same stage. Things will improve.

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #60 on: September 29, 2017, 03:59:26 AM »
I do not relapse, I lapsed. Note the nuance. These past few days since I acted out I have struggled with temptation and fantasy, etc, but I have not given in to it. Today I am feeling healthy again.

In the Jewish calendar tonight and tomorrow is the Day of Atonement. It's a massive opportunity to refocus our energy and mindset. On this subject, I was listening to a lecture who explained the following:

It is NOT about willpower or discipline (although this is a part of it), but fundamentally about making a clear and absolute DECISION about how we want to live our lives; as long as we are clear on the truth (aka integrity) then we have a strong enough REASON (aka sustainable motivation).

Once we make our mind up then we commit to it; if we are not 100% invested then alternative behaviours (e.g. PMO) becomes an option, which is of course when we then struggle and think about willpower, etc. 

longtimequitter

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #61 on: September 29, 2017, 06:53:15 PM »
Thank you for clarifying. I am a little rusty on the different terminology. Good to hear you're feeling better!

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #62 on: October 03, 2017, 05:33:10 AM »
I'm glad I have this forum to express how I am feeling: Irritable, angry and anxious all wrapped into one! Also exhausted.

Trying my best to keep my emotions in check, but feel quite alone about work-related issues. My wife hasn't really been there for me lately; I know that I cannot relay on her alone.

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #63 on: October 04, 2017, 05:35:42 AM »
I'm at work, the office is quiet and I had a trigger. Let myself 'browse' after typing in a random girl's name into google. It led me to a twitter account of a hot girl and some online flirt type website. I looked for a moment and struggled to get off it, but I did. There was no porn per se, but it was a form a sub porn. Now I am here. I wasn't on it for long, but enough time for it to make enough impact and to start feeling guilty. Although I did think about my priorities in life, especially my relationship with my wife and us expecting a baby. I do not want - I cannot - go on living how I have done for so many years; I need stability, a normal healthy and well balanced psyche and life. That is why I am back here now, taking advantage of this forum and expressing how I feel. I may have slipped into browsing subs for a minute, but I am still taking control. However, the lesson is to prepare for such battles and to know that since I am tired and there are emotional triggers, I must be ready and decisive so that this doesn't happen again.

TakeActionNow

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #64 on: October 04, 2017, 07:15:25 AM »
32,

when we meditate, we learn that nothing is permanent, and everything passes away in time.
itch, pain, nagging thoughts, difficult emotions, all transient feelings rise peak and fall away.
All of them.

Please give a try
prove to yourself that triggers and cravings can also pass away in time, without you taking any action.
The key is not to have attachment. Attachment to the feeling will lead craving and finally action.

How not to have attachment is to acknowledge and then let go
"ok, i feel myself wanting to sneak a peak" (acknowledge)
"back to work!" (let go)
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #65 on: October 08, 2017, 08:38:47 AM »
Thanks 'Take Action Now'.

I've been away for a couple of days, but last night I had crazy desire for some nudity. Managed to resist it though.

This morning I was home alone, and suddenly found myself looking at porn and m*bating. As always, the second it was over the rush of guilt and shame came upon me, feeling dirty, anxious and sick these past few hours. I am very disappointed in myself as I felt that 'rush' of temptation but reality isn't enough to keep me in check. Of course, I had not thought ahead and planned what is possible (ie temptation) when using my mobile at home alone. School boy error. Now I have to live with the guilt and shame. True, this will eventually pass but it is so difficult and emotionally painful living this double life.


32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #66 on: October 10, 2017, 03:59:39 PM »
I had a scheduled appointment with a therapist but in (subconscious) apprehension and whilst working at home, alone, I got lost in the porn bubble. I have learned a few important things today:

1. It is absolutely essential to meditate and focus my intentions (consciously) on how I want to behave, my motivators and reasons for being focused and guarding my eyes. It is clearly an ongoing problem if I just switch on the laptop with all good intentions only to find myself battling with triggers. Porn is a vehicle for me to escape reality; if I am prepared than I can focus my mind and energy on building towards my future.

2. I have learned to not tell myself "do not watch porn" or any other negative command, as apparently the subconscious does not listen to these negative suggestions (i.e. "not, do not" etc). Instead, the brain receives the message "do watch porn".
Rather, I need to form a habit of telling myself something positive, such as "guard your eyes" or "stay in control".

My therapist also advised me to write down some positive change or improvement, or something that I have noticed, each and every day. This action of writing coupled with awareness/or gratitude will tell my brain that change, whether big or small, is good and makes me feel happy.

I am also going to try hard to work on letting go of any feelings of guilt and shame, as it no longer serves me well.

gazz

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #67 on: October 15, 2017, 11:56:04 AM »
Great stuff mate. I've never had the courage to share with a therapist. And I think I'm about 5years older than you, so if I'd have taken the step at your age, I'd have saved 5years not being in the 'pleasure prison'. In the success stories there's a guy called 'golden jacket' or something. He used a therapist, and is doing really well. Stay strong!

32

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #68 on: October 16, 2017, 12:23:26 PM »
Thanks Gazz.

Whilst I am still processing a lot of my discussion with my therapist, I watched porn this morning and m*ated.

I am now listening to Porn Free Radio which is helping me to understand myself better - my need for connection and to feel loved, which is something I have not felt from my wife (in the way that I need from her and not just the way how she gives it). This affects my esteem and such feelings of being devoid of a sense of connection and love doesn't help me, but I can try to re-focus this matter.

Also, I just realised that as a result of being so desperate to be free from this problem, I guess I am putting a lot of pressure on myself (to be free from it). But at the same time, I have a subconscious fear of failure; i.e. that I don't succeed and keep watching P..and how that will continue to negatively effect my life.

So I really do need to try and shift some of these feelings/beliefs otherwise I will continue to self sabotage.

Does anyone else relate to either of these points?

RealityCheck

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Re: A new chapter?
« Reply #69 on: October 18, 2017, 12:05:49 PM »
32,

I completely relate to where you are coming from.  It's easy to fixate on the problems you currently have, because they are in front of you.  And we become what we think about.  The hardest part is the beginning, shrugging off the negative emotions that stare us in the face every day, and fixate on the positive vision we are working towards.  I think it would help you to not only write down what positive changes you see, which sounds like a great idea, but also be SPECIFIC about what you are working towards.

This might sound like the dumbest thing ever, but hear me out.  I also had a lot of negative self-talk in the past, it sounds like you have some of that going on, like putting pressure on yourself.  One way out of that is to make your whole situation lighter, inject some humor into it.  Literally nobody in the world knows I do this, but I have a specific name for my dick.  It's not in a cocky way, like Zeus or anything, it's a normal name you hear all the time.  For example, (this isn't the name), if you name your dick "Steve".  When you have an urge, instead of beating yourself up, and thinking about how difficult it is to fight the urge, just say to yourself "Steve, dude, calm down.  We're going on a date Friday."  Stress and pressure is self-induced.  Humor can help to lighten the load.