1ST YEAR clean from M/P/wetdream/lust (21 years old)

365 days left...



Now, the real thing begins.

Masturbation, Porn or Lust is a sin that destroys the human being. This last PMO relapse left me dead inside, stressed, broke, extremely bitter and desperate.

I want to cry, rest, take a long vacation for healing alone, I wish it has never happened 3 years ago where I met my biggest crush. But now it happened, and from relapse to relapse, I am here again stressed, unproductive, broken-hearted and full of hatred because  "people want me to fail". 

I'm not doing that anymore I want to stop and live a normal bright life.

This is so hard, cold and dumb out there in the starting reboot phase. I am suicidal, tired, tired of getting tired because of unfollowing my daily plan and missing meals, feeling wothless not shaved nor showered.

My parents were separated BEFORE my birth and I saw my mother going from one then another one man, now she's with a 60 something guy with a big enough house, it is where I live. And my father is an alcoholic living alone unemployed since 10 years. I was beaten and humiliated during my childhood and teenage years. But now, the victim card is over: I AM FULLY RESPONSIBLE for my situation. And it is so crazy because my personal wishes for my own life are OPPOSITE to my parents family lifestyle even though they live "normally". I'm kinda handling schizofrenia.

And the porn industry doesn't give a shit, people wanting lust don't give a shit also and the whole wrong world full of negative and toxic shit attitudes doesn't give a shit too.

I chose the RIGHT PATH which means ACTING RIGHT ON TIME EVERYDAY.

Maybe I should stop writing here and finish my 2 extremely URGENT internship sheets. Oh boy...

I am so alone, I am broken-hearted, I am less than half alive. This is horrible. My life is currently deeply downstairs, my grades are catastrophic, the atmosphere in my school (2nd and last year, amen!) is so dumb full of smoking shit agitated noisy wankers from another planet, lol. Damn... But I know I just have to follow my daily plan, be shaved, showered, dressed up, my workout done to feel NORMAL HEALTHY. That's all it is. That's all it is my God... It's like I never can be like I want. There's always some evil sinfull past guilty shit in my head and BAM!! relapse again, starting over then... I'm FUCKING TIRED OF THIS!!!!!! Screw this!!! Fuck off porn and masturbation and lust also!!! I want to be healthy FOREVER!!!!! You hear me?? That's all I am about.

And bitches can go screw themselves I'm a pure man who knows exactly what he wants. So fuck off to all these parasites!!

Like blastphamousHD say, that's hella fucked up man... But for me this is my little exit path leading to my starting re-birth. I have to stop screwing myself LOL.

I don't do drugs but I AM a drug addict with PMO. I am in my chaotic dormroom and I feel like a hopeless homeless, exhausted. That last relapse has been too much this time. It's scary and stressfull but yet I am cool due to my desensitized brainfog I guess. I am officially a zombie. I want to heal from that the fastest.

I slept with my clothes. Exhausted, I didn't do a shit well in school (noisy dumb shit people).

Hello friend.
I am going to begin the journey you're on.
Don't loose heart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjCW9ktWB88

364 days left...



Exhausted and desensitized this morning. Another shit day ahead I guess.

Slept with my clothes, dreamed of people of my school. I really have to clean and tidy up that dormroom. Lack of emotion is the cause of inaction. I'm simply getting my healthy emotional state back in this first phase.

I experienced 2 new things today at school: anxiety and irritability (I hate overweight teachers). I also found my old little feelings for a teacher but she's like having children or something. But eventually in the end it went cool despite my current catastrophic grades and tight situation for my internship oral exam. I gotta do this for good damn. I also finally turned down a job offer in Lisboa (meaning I had to practice English and live there for a certain period of time). I think now I made a big enough mistake because I'm from south-east of France and I have mother-side people in Portugal even though I've never been there. I was stressed and had low self-esteem when I turned down the offer by mail but now I'm thinking "I'm only 20 and all ahead of me, what a dummie lol". But anyway. I hate that post lost opportunity bitterness (women and job offers). But I have clear goals with gradual ideal points, I'm handsome and enthusiast so I'm kinda lucky and I thank God in my head for it even if my future now is getting foggy due to present important tasks. I don't know if I will be able to continue my study after this diploma or if I'll just get a job and make money getting my car and house or... Due to my shit grades it is a tight situation now, but I am good I will find a good way like always, my direction is already laser focused, and like I said I'm young so I gotta bite in this world positively for me lol.

I realised that I tend to imagine people often serious and with good standards like mine. But in reality they mostly are immature and perverted. It is really desperating and heartbreaking somehow.

Being an adult is simply acting right on time every single day. And it is a tough thing to do ironically, it's an emotional business.

I watched a girl's chest in FB, damit. The tiniest setback can have huge negative impact. It is crazy.
It is so simple to be on the right path that it becomes boring and anoying. It is like I rebel with my own wishes, like a bug in my brain want me to be bad and screw my own rules of integrity. That is why I chose this avatar. Fucking evil, you're already disappearing!! Hahahahaha!!

Hey!

That's a rough spot to be in life! But have no fear, extra help is here, and be sure of several VERY realistic things:

1) Yes, it's gonna be hard, and may in fact become progressively more difficult.
BUT
2) You are a very conscious man; Conscious to what change will mean for you! That's very exciting because most people don't see any need to change themselves until it's too late.
3) Negativity will not help you. That is to say, your mind will try to trick you, and stab you at every twist and turn. In your first post alone, I see a venomous cocktail mixture of anger, depression, anxiety, aside from the things you mentioned haha. Not to mention the 364 day post, where you automatically throw shade at the rest of the day when it had only begun!
This might sound like tough love, but...
Think about the positives! It's HARD to do, believe me I know, but the world is already full of negativity. Why should more negativity come from within', only to sabotage your progress?

You'll be a champion in due time. Eyes on the prize ;D

363 days left...



I want to thank Red and IAdmitIHaveAProblem for their support it really helps, God bless.

Exhausted and a light wood this morning (fantasies are coming back). Slept topless with my pants without wetdreams it's all good.  Didn't eat last evening arrgh I don't want my body to get skinner (I'm 80kg for 1m85).
I remember I have many important things to get done quick these days.
Ahh I hate yawning the morning being tired like a loser, without the force to get a shower or a shaving or doing my workout. Gotta clean that dormroom DESPITE MY TIREDNESS this time (hard cold mode today).

You know what I wanna pooh and I don't have any toilet paper anymore. I gotta eat my breakfast also. And I already did yesterday evening, well I know it is healthy to do it everyday but at times like this it is just a miserable pain. I hate that. Gotta shop more efficiently and be proactive. Even if I only have school until 1PM, I think it's gonna be a lonnnng damn day.

Watched FB girl pics again damit!! Fucking shit evil. Ain't nothing like Karezza and Transmutation when it comes to sexual force. It is difficult to control with girls in the starting reboot. I think they see this as a little distraction. Screw this.

I was so exhausted in class. Fucking lack of sleep.

I feel worthless and dumb, without my car, a weak body, alone with my thoughs.

I have 3 main goals for now which are  my car, my house and my profession (or source of income).

Also got really pissed off by the shit cold wind whereas there is the spring sun.

That bittersweet starting hot season is stressing and kinda scary.

Tears are coming back.

I always had a discreet wonder for girls and their ability to smile and laugh and have friends easily.

I'm very embarassed in my area because I used to "chaturbate" with highschool girls on FB and then I realized how twisted and ridiculous I was. Plus they might told their surroundings so I became parano?d now when I go shopping or walk in town. They are girls that don't please me moreover because I simply saw them as a cyber or mental tool for masturbation through the porn prism. And moreover I feel guilty and ashamed toward the only one girl I LIKE.

I'd like to be that awesome efficient punctual doer but I am so tired and depressed.

I hate that weak and ashamed and hated character. I always wanted to be "the best", the awesome man everybody like and feel comfortable with. That's what I almost used to be during my 2+months streak in May 2013 where I met my biggest crush, before 3 years of relapses and brainfog and shit behavior and bitterness suicidal loneliness. Now I have to clean that up, for my well-being and inner peace and health.

362 days left...



I remember when I was a kid, my brother 7 year older used to beat me up several times. And I developed a quiet depression, because beside I began to PMO at 6 years old, I had a secret table corner masturbation addiction. And so I felt even more empty and drained. But my brother hit me and I was often scared and crying. One day he talked to me with a little grin: "Don't you wish I were tied to a post and you were hitting me?". Quite surprised with that question, I knew he just wanted to talk to me like a normal grand brother. But the truth is that I was NOT wishing such a cruel thing for him even if he had beaten me several times. And I didn't like the idea of me assaulting someone else. And so I said him with a little grin too "No" but I was really sincere. Because what I really wanted at that time (and I didn't say to him) was for me to die and disappear from that painful nonsense life. I had to be 7 or 8 years old. Today I know I can get my normal life thanks to knowledge on the Internet, a few personnal graceful experiences and people like Terry Crews, Cristiano Ronaldo or others who came from the bottom to the top.

Slept with my clothes, lights on again, no wetdream (too weak for that anyway). Old lustfull memories with girls. Is my libido waking up or my porn prism turning on?

I watched sexy girl pics. Don't know if it's...  Inspiration or Porn-substitute. I try to figure out that lust desire awakening in me and ask me why, what for, I know how it ends when the energy is thrown. Feeling bad for my future wife but as she doesn't really exist or that she's not with me yet, I want to see the difference between pure hot sexy love and lust shits. This is very subtle. I have a sexual desire and a love desire. I'm wandering why aren't they linked in only one, but actually they are I think. Maybe because it is the very start of my healing process and my porn mental injury is still open. I know I only want my one and only SO forever. And I know that in that "pure" side which is the healthy side it can be some huge hot and sexy amazing things, and that's awesome I really apreciate it. BUT there is that little disgusting toxic desire of going bad against my own deepest reslationship whishes, giving up in lust or PMO. That is that shit lust that I want to delete from my brain because I can't quite figure it out now and it leaves me motionless stuck in a half-erotic reflexion. It is self-sabotage basically, that toxic shade of lust in me must die for good. It is the wrong road and I know it, it is even where I come from. So why am I still currious and physically attracted to that shit. I guess it is the constant novelty VS. the constant commitment, that's my inner conflict right there. It's ego and innocence. And I chose innocence like Avril Lavigne said "this is the best feeling" and I lived that pure hot bright sexy carefull feeling with my biggest crush. I know it is ten times better and worth more than a temporary hunger of sexualized anger or hatred in a wasted wrong intercourse. But as it is what I chose to never give in, I think there is that little spice thing that I want but I know my only one constant relation ship will spice things up enough. I understand now. It's a matter of time and commitment to my own recovery.
A little guilty for being watching such pictures also, even if it was for "inspiration" first.

I also didn't eat at all until 4PM, just one little apple. I wanted to enjoy CONSCIOUSLY my awakening sexual energy. But in order to enjoy it, it must be UNCONSCIOUS like living my life doing my things right on time and leaving the rest to the universe, to God. Today I went through a deep and useless race after my own sexual gifts. But these gifts are simply one of my personnality traits. I wanted to enjoy it myself in a selfish way (no masturbation don't get me wrong) but in reality it must be shared with my SO. Only her can make me enjoy my own gifts. And I chose that way, through all the pain or frustration it can costs, I know it is nothing but a temporary ending old inertia. Actually it is my last relapse's chock right there and I must let it go, let it flows into oblivion. And finally live the amazing life I'm meant to live.

So like a recovering athlete, I'm gonna DO THINGS RIGHT ON TIME, it is my ticket for the amazing state and place I wanna be forever. Why do I want to be there? Because it's my own nature, it's in my genes, it's in my eyes and body, an eternal delicious something there is appealing me since I'm in this world. It's my description, it's my reason for breathing. So I gotta go there, it is MY HOME actually.

My kingdom is waiting for me with enthusiasm. I will always be the only king possible. I must get cured, I must go to my home that I love beyond words.

1_Full responsibility
2_Being thankfull
3_Laser-like focus

Today was a setback day. Even though my semen is still in me, it's a mental challenge.

Listened to door hearing undistinctly people getting laid. Fucking damit.

Night, BAM!! Fall asleep like nothing, shit!! This is so weak I hate that I wanted to get things done today and nothing happened unless a philosophy shit in my head. Sorry for the dumb words but that's MY journal! Lol (must get my life very soon). And off course stress isn't absent!

"People want me to fail". 
oh yeah I had a lot of those , and at a certain point they got under my skin .but like you said :"I AM FULLY RESPONSIBLE " , I need to get my freedom , I need to fight my way to success .no one else.
I just read you?re story , and old memories from the past overwhelmed my , , I?m the young shinobi , 22 years old and I have the same story , with an ex alcoholic dad , a recent divorce and a suppressed visions of abuses and violence .
I?m also passing my bachelor degree this years , and wanting to get an internship , hard time for all of us.
But no worries like everyone in this community, we all here to help and you?re definite not alone in this, I personally will follow your story. I can also be your Accountability Partner, if you want,I speak French too, and I just passed my 4th day, congrats on yours too.
From the first and second post I can see that you?re a person with great faith, a buried desire burning inside to make a positive change in your life. And that I can relate so focus on that.
and each day you face the same choice , study , workout , and friends try to take a different path from the one before , each day , each hour and don't be afread to push you?re self physically and mentally , you will decently get there

YOUR FIRST YEAR PMO FREE

THIS IS MY JOURNAL LINK :
-http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=8497.0
-http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=8486.0
good luck

361 days left...



Not following the daily tommorrow plan causes disease. Lack of exercise causes thinness, bad diet causes stomachache, bad hygiene causes lack of respect and the feeling of being dirty, bad work causes bad grades and a doomed future, lack of sleep causes tiredness all day long. The daily tommorrow plan, 10minutes that can save my life.

Slept with my clothes on the LEFT SIDE feeling much more rested in the morning.

I hate bitches.

Exhausting perverted atmosphere at school.

Dormroom still chaotic.

Man it has been a really shit week.

I'm pissed off by MY OWN situation. Is it schizophrenia? Lol Ohh shit. A very slight libido after this 4-5 days. The simple vision of lust porn substitutes can be very negative on the brain, I'm gonna take that as a setback not a relapse because I didn't masturbate at all and my "life force" is still in me. I admit yesterday I was stuck with that miss universe Portugal image but I was reflecting on how my toxic drives were coming, where they were coming from and why.. lol

Allright, a 3 days wk end ahead yasssss. Fucking pmo-lust shit, that is a real thing, only real men can beat.

Music and all the radio press TVmedias shits are also a dopamine-desensitizer. Ultra hard mode is actually ultra healthy simple mode for living. I take this stairs.

The pmo/lust/wetdream will disappear, but the desire will not. I have a driving force in me. It is my leader to my one and only SO, my one and only amazing life I'm meant to live. Nothing else. Not a selfish toxic temporary "pleasure", in fact it is more an obsessional compulsive disorder, an infernal way to avoid our own healthy and meant path!! 14 years of this shit in my case, I know the ending chock's inertia will take more than a week to disappear completely.

I'm starting to feel that sexual desire in me. Gotta surf with this to my destination! Random woods are finally awakening.. wait

Damnn, listened again to lusting people, shit! Last time.

Most people are not human beings. Seriously there are zombie people, drained by rationalized addictions or whatever, I find myself alone and it's... kinda awesome!!! Lol I'm like a wizard amid of normal people lol.

Sexual waste must be the most addictive shit ever. Lol wtf it hooked me like nothing when I was only 6yo now after 14 damn years of less than half-living, I'm finally getting rid of this shit. Wake up, man wake up! (Give him a slap!!!)

360 days left...



Cried deeply last night, watched Aladdin. This anime is the story of my life. Dreamed of relapsing but woke up with no wetdream. Slept with my clothes all the week, insane and very dirty.

Missed meals yesterday except avocados and eggs the evening, and stomachache this morning, went to the toilets.

Feel very weak for 5 days, maybe it's due to setbacks of listening to people in lust or that image of miss universe Portugal. Ahh I hate this. Tired of that guilt.

OMG I'm scared to death of the near workplace, the near employment, that I start to feel. I know it is linked with the addiction. I know I have to mind my profession and my business. Funny how I was enthusiasm about start my profession like 2 weeks ago and now I'm very stressed because the thing is getting nearer and real, as long as I get my diploma. I want to create my own corporation. And I got to work at my profession to get skills, adding excellent value at the same time. As my grades speak for itself, freedom from any addiction, semen retention and sexual transmutation (with karezza) are my only way out actually. My only tool. Because attitude tells all.

I made my most illegal thing so far: driving without a licence with my mother's car going shopping. Shaved, well-dressed, sun glasses on, in the outside world I realized how thin I really was. Some people would say I am normal but it is bullshit I am too thin. I was really anxious in the crowd. I totally gave up workout this horrible week.
This 3 days weekend (Day 1 here) I have so many things to get done: school files, scholarship files, finding a summer job or my real paycheck-job, studying for my oral exam, finishing those 2 damn internship's "service relation management" sheets and print and connect my 4 intership reports (2 oral exams, 2 copies). Offcourse the two things can wait till tuesday last deadline and my managers of my 2ND internship didn't send me back my 2 sheetsand I need them for Thursday!! Gotta well plan this shit. Damn fucking addition, it really messed up my life, doing things in last minute, I am full responsible. PLUS my daily workout-diet-hygiene routine in the morning. Common man! I also missed all meals today it's 7PM. Gonna eat 2 fish-pizzas, a bol of oats with soymilk, gonna do 1 hour workout session, plan my shit for the next two days and normally it would be OK.

I realize how lonely I am and that I can't control the love of my eventual significant other. All I can do is taking care of myself, doing the right things on time everyday.

Don't want to be arrogant here, but sometimes it is reassuring to know I'm handsome. I have plenty of girls, "hot" girls and even a 40 something  gay one time, and through FB also, people told me I was beatifull, sexy (heard it one time), and I know it is probably true because my last biggest crush was watching me and smiling laughing and touching and even offering me some cakes lol, like another one which was also very tall and "hot" but it is my biggest crush that only matters now. Damn, 3 years passed since I met her, I managed to tell her my feelings by phone text, her response was like "you have to get to know me better, it has been 2years since we didn't see eachother". Hmm. After that I sent her 2 texts telling her about my family tensions, my basic-goals and for encouraging her at wherever she was at life. Then I recieved a phone text from an unknown number saying it was his man. Well chocked, I simply deleted this number and her's and all historic. A year passed since that, no contact except with people in FB she could have known (I had a FB conversation with a girl "knowing" her and she's like "everything is written, if it's not her, you'll fing your princess don't worry". So, well enough I want to say, even if it must be 11618608 times better than that lol. Doing my thing now, really busy nowadays after all. Cool.

Actually, I have a sheet were it's written all the graceful moments I had with people (or for an exam or a sport thing also), I had like 30 lines of compliments, true encouragements from all kinds of people, girls, family members, 40 something friends, strangers, etc. And the list will grow a lot! I also have a picture of me when I was 10yo, finding me cute and smiling and the place it is really inspiring. I have to put this in my mirror in order to see it every morning.

Tonight I don't sleep it's mifnight passed, tired as f**k, I want to confess my little setback with FB girls pics and chat conversation with a Phillipines girl that would like to have sex with me "if we meet eachother". I don't. She knows about all my addiction and this forum also, but she's just a Phillipines and just far awayyy from my tipe. I saw her as a cybertool for masturbation only. Shit. I began at least to feel the sexual energy in me. Gotta keep it.

You should keep clean and change your clothes because whether you realize it or not, it has an effect on our mood/mind. Same thing with food intake; healthy eating fights depression.

Keep up the fight! The world is against you, but that's not an excuse to fail your conquest

359 days left...



I finally got a part of my sexual energy back. Horny and easier for me to relapse now. But yet, no porn, masturbztion, wetdream or lust so far. Just some FB girl pics and a hot "inspirational" girl pic, and listening undistinctly to people in lust, a little voyeurism too. Pretty guilty about that. Now I want to be 100% clean NO setbacks!!

I got to speak on my dream I had this short night: I have to say that I created some inspirational picture with a catchphrase and a good image. In my dream I was at my own exposure of these catchphrase with inspiring people picturesin a museum. There was also my mother, maybe other social surrounding like my teacher I don't know. Then I saw that the words were deformed like we can see sometimes on Google search results (A??@sr and all that shit), and then suddenly, erotic and porn videos appears really successively, it was a video this time or a .gif, it was really a stunning porn review and during that I was like "don't show you're ashamed, everything is normal it's Art, it's my creation" but I was very embarassed deep inside. And people kept smiling like me in a little hypocritical atmosphere. Then I don't know I woke up. I think the meaning of that is that I can't afford any setbacks, any FB pics or chat, voyeurism or whatever related to the porn prism I'm killing.

The taking action mode is finally starting a little bit. Being in self-directed action all day everyday is the key. And junk-dopamine is nothing but an action killer, it leaves me  motionless and guilty. After a little week of reboot, I can tell that I feel a little bit more ABLE to act. This is good, that's what I'm talking about. Discipline is my friend.

Went on a bike trip and lost my sun glasses, really pissed off. Gonna search it again tomorrow morning.

Pffff, didn't go to sleep at 9PM it's currently 11:10PM, gotta eat my meal, fucked up. I am fucked up, nobody, borken heart, bitterness, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, thinness, despair, feeling worthless, catastrophic grades, a future that seems to become kinda doomed, left by the society, just alone, myself and my things, my sophisticated things. All I can do is farting, yawning, sleeping, surfing on the Internet, watch Facebook girls pics, feeling sorry for myself and feeding my self-pity, fooling all alone and feeling guilty. I need a call to action, an injection that would put me in self directed punctual action 24H a day 7 days a week. Where is that injection. I can't tell it is what I truly want by now, even if I know it is important. All I want now is to feel loved and wanted by the girl I like. My mind is so foggy now in a mix with bitterness, depression, suicide, joy, enthusiasm, responsibility. I want to kill myself but I know it is too painfull, I just didn't want to live what I lived especially with my heart. I just wanted my love relationship. And now I'm here writing this with tears in the eyes. That year addiction free will not be enough maybe. 90% of girls are ugly, 90% of guys are lust dogs, I am from the few ones and it is desperating. Maybe I'm wrong. We can't raise children like nothing putting them in the bath without telling them the story of humanity, the meaning of their life, the possibilities of their positive success. It is even a crime to just make humans like nothing but products of the society. We are humans. I am one. And I didn't want to suffer like this, it is NOT what my life is supposed to be, I am very far away from it. I have to do the necessary things with that brain fog on my mind now. That's why "it sucks", I don't have the time to relax, figure out my own thing,it is an empty-head running as fast as you can, I have my goals set and all that but I really need a deep human contact like the one I had with the girl I like. That is currently mentally shitty. I want to be that perfect punctual doer! I don't want to be as I am now. Shit! OK I stop excuses now what?? What's going on?? Am I meant to live like this in a sucking way to the top?? I hate paying that price I feel I don't have to pay! It is not paying the price it is self-destruction. I think I have some work ahead regarding my mind and physical body, yep. Well, shit, let's do this. LOL I do what I want and how I want so fuck it. But I am fully responsible so yes... I have to clean that up and live good. Clean that up and live good. Clean that up and LIVE THE LIFE I WANT.

358 days left...



One week. Very stressed today because I have a tons of important things to do and my oral exam tomorrow. Wake up in a pretty hot room and got flash fantasies (heat is a big enough trigger). Morning stress. I begin to feel my seed.

Fantasies are getting more numerous, closer and real as well as woods. Libido is waking up actually. Easily irritated however and still that laziness and stress and self-esteem also, plus procrastination. Thinking about the girl I like, talking to her in my head, her eyes, smile, touch, beauty and voice gave me the strongest wings I ever had.

Inner concflict between hot pure love and lust temptations seems to come back. Gotta kill it. I can't do both lust and love roads. I chose the love road. It's like that. It is way more spicy than lust.

The casue of all this is probably that I'm simply alone. Exercise, crossing a streak and real social connections are 3 remedies for the good-dopamine pathways.

Just saw my father for 3 minutes. He told me I got fat and that "he always fear that I might get bullied". Whatever smiling and say good week, maybe this is true I got fat and that's why I'm tired most of the time. I seriously need to retake workout.
Now I realise the "chance" I have to be on my own without him even if I respect him, it's kinda being an independent man mission, that's my current stuation, my name rang out and it's my turn to be a real man.

It seems like I can't have my only one wife of my dream somehow, that I sucks, egocentric but weak and useless in reality. Well, I have goals and I just keep reaching them now for myself LOL.

I am alone. Everybody doesn't give a shit about me actually. LMFAO I'm invisible somehow like in my island. That's really fucked up I know it isn't normal. I'm starting to doubt my real face's beauty... lol Ahh I need to be more serious with my life, but I 'm just tired because I missed the breakfast and I 'm gonna prepare it and eat it now even if it sucks.

Finally ate, did some workout, feeling pretty much better and in shape.

It has been my observation that people may be addicted to drama or entertainment, thanks to the medias.

I seriously have to stop talking all alone. Lol this is serious shit.

Although depressed and stressed, I begin to be much more calm and relaxed, my mind is getting clearer and a life joy is awakening in me, bus stop adds, trees, night lights, the breeze, my environment seems to be more colourfull and "alive". Awesome aka normal.

357 days left...



Damn, that morning I was not willing to wake up, leaving my so sweet bed and sleep, grrr. But did my morning workout.

I am in the beginning of my young adult years. It's my last chance to live the love life of my dreams with the woman of my dreams. I am so disgusted and pissed off by my life messed up by addiction and family tensions that I feel anger and hatred toward the idea of living that love life I aim for. I desire it with all my heart and it got me mad because I wasted a precious time where I could begin it peacefully and maybe more naturally. Now I just look like a desperate hungry dog of 21 years old. It is sad. I can't go back in time so I go forward with all I can do to match my dreams in a tight stressfull road. This is what I find so annoying. It's like I was not supposed to live like that in that tight stressfull and sad situation because I met my biggest crush 3 years ago and I had to know her better (which I didn't do) before telling her about my feelings. I believe she wants me and her to be together too but I never can't tell I am not God, I'm only determined and I just know exactly what I want, and what I have to do. So now I just take care of myself as hard as I can feeling that connection between me and her.
This is why I'm broken. Broken by my self-destructive relapse after 2months clean from M/P three years ago.

She planted love seeds and even life seeds in me 3 years ago and now that my emotional and physical ground is getting better, the plant started to grow now, I take full responsibility to commit myself in this connection as hard as I can. Because this is what I want, I want to get what I want, now things start to be real already.

I must stop let myself go even for relaxing maybe when I go home alone to my dormroom or stepfather's house. I must stop fooling all alone. It makes me guilty regarding what I really want. I don't listen to music except my alarm clocks and 1hour workout mix, I don't drink nor smoke, no drugs, but yet still a little bit of voyeurism it makes my shit. Foggy tiredness and discouraging loneliness. It is not a recovery of faggots.

Also, final team management exam done.

FACTS: I have a perforated sole in one of my shoes and it has been a rainy day. So back home, I still have my shoes on me since 2hours. And that is why I feel so self-pity and miserable. ACTS or LIVING SITUATIONS equal MOOD.

Tonight I ALMOST relapse into edging. Well I listened to a girl peobably getting laid (really close to P I know) at my door and even wall what a shame. I start 2 chat conversations in FB with two "mastubatory-tool" girls (what a shame). The sex force I felt in my ***** was awesome in my bed fantasizing a bit yes but the fucking drive was there but now nothing. Probably due to my listener-chatter setback (shit!). Whatever I am still in the game, haters!! But I admit I ALMoST relapse that time, damn!!

Pretty guilty. Like Terry Crews said about porn addiction: "the whole  trick is to make you think you are bad!!". But "you are good!!".

Setbacks are the kind of shit I must delete from my life, it can ruin up to a 3 days shitty streak.

"hatred toward the idea of living that love life I aim for"
"I desire it with all my heart and it got me mad because I wasted a precious time where I could begin it peacefully"
"a little bit of voyeurism"
"Now I just look like a desperate hungry dog of 21 years old"
"LIVING SITUATIONS equal MOOD."

Okay, these statements stood out to me.

Those first two statements are directly correlated to what you choose to see, and BOY have I been there. I had a crush on this one girl for 2 years, we're good friends. Well, she's off and dating one of my best buddies now because he took the initiative. On the surface, I could think, "man, if only I wasn't so slow" or, "man, if only I didn't wait. But instead, I say, "As long as she's happy".
I say this because real love will drive you toward patient behavior. It's not about the perceived physical, mental, or emotional benefits you can receive. Real love is self-less. As far as this, 'wasting precious time' goes, I've felt that way. But is it really time wasted if you're working toward being a better person before you enter a relationship?

Voyeurism is a tough one, but think of it this way: watching other people, you will inevitably compare your situation with theirs. Is it possible for a person to cultivate contentment with their lot in life by focusing on what other people have that you don't? Some people, objectively looking at their life situation, genuinely have awful living situations, but many times, they are not sad or mad. In fact, some of the happiest people I personally know are of little means.
A man can't compare the progress of his vegetable farm with how fat the neighbors cattle are, they're different farms. Different walks of life, different lots in life. 

One last thing, that 'Now I just look like a desperate hungry dog of 21 years old' comment.

That is self-depreciating. Stop saying things like that. Every time you verbally attack yourself, the self-abuse wins. Just learn something new from your mistakes, and apply it to improve yourself.  Keep going.

punctual doer said:

This is why I'm broken. Broken by my self-destructive relapse after 2months clean from M/P three years ago.

Click to expand...

I just want to say I appreciate your story and also I, about 3 years ago, reached an amazing goal of 8 months clean but then slipped up and fell back into a really painful cycle which I'm ready to put a ton of energy towards rising above. I understand the broken feeling so much, but there is so much dam hope, I guarantee you, we got this.

punctual doer said:

Pretty guilty. Like Terry Crews said about porn addiction: "the whole  trick is to make you think you are bad!!". But "you are good!!".

Click to expand...

I dig this so much, thanks for sharing the quote.

-siphus

356 days left...



Wake up very late (snoozed on my 5AM workout). And finally return home from school after a half hour. In the fastlane, there was that girl who sat next to me close to my arms (touching it) and she crossed her legs in my side, I was so horny I could almost grab her hands or something and take her to my dormroom, but I didn't thankfully. I want God to forgive me. Behaviors like this confuse my wishes. That toxicity must disappear.
There was that ugly girl (why 90% girls are ugly?? Damn it makes me so desperate and it scares me) knocking at my door yesterday afternoon for an experience for her master's degree. Maybe it was getting laid as long as possible fucking damit lust parasite. Lol

Damn I can't help myself to listen at my door to that girl having sex and chat on FB. I really have to stop, it makes me want to relapse so bad.

I feel like i had a wetdream but no proof of semen on me or in my bed. I feel that drive again so I don't think I wetdreamed. Just so pissed off to not have respected my personnal daily schedule and went to bed very late yesterday and woke up so late today, stressing me for the stuffs I have to do today, shit. This fucking upside down state must be out of my life. I do not have to become the slave of my sex drive. It is nothing but energy mastering.

Wtf 8 months are you serious, how did you come back here?

I'm sick man, I really am a psychopath for being a recovering addict from this shit. I dont smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, take care as hard as I can of my hygiene and health. But THIS, this is something that stole 80% of my life. Sad enough to cry but I don't now, too tired and busy.

Ahh my God.

Siphus did you masturbate or what during your streak?

Damn it's hard not being a wanker. Almost 10days, yassss! In fact, it works like this: 1) Not being a wanker 2) Not being a dog 3) Not being a fool. But as being serious acting right on time is so borring and sad and frustrating, I keep myself in the bitch side like a child, bitch because I'm an adult who lack of integrity.

Very guilty thanks to my voyeur-listener-chatter setback.

Whooh! At times like this I must be wanking already. I am really pathetic I admit. But is just the beginning of a lonnnng energy recovery. All good.

Fucking shit school lmfao, I will get this diploma, gotta work on it as soons as possible.
Oral internship exam tommorrow, yeepee!

It became so hard not to relapse With these selfish arousals.

It's like these toxic lust drives took over my vital needs such as eating or sleeping! I'm telling you.

good luck on your exam

365 days left...



Full blown PMO/MO RELAPSE, ejaculated twice. Shit. At least it's the opportunity to start over cleaner with ZERO setback tolerance this time and with EXCELLENT hygiene and WORKOUT. And no more gross words lol. Why I relapsed: Depressed (broken heart, obsession) ---> Isolated (lust fantasies, voyeurism etc.) ---> Lonely (despair, sadness) ---> Needy (lack of responsibility, weakness) ---> Ignored (loathing, contempt) ---> Frustrated (feeling worthless, suicidal thoughts) ---> Pissed off (setbacks, relapse).

I want my hot beautiful kissless virgin wife who is at least my age. Now I act for it.

One thing I learned: Responsibility has no age, we never have to hide our true face. Mine is a lonely suicidal thin recovering junk dopamine (PMO/M/Music/Lust/etc.) addict of 21 years old with childhood traumas, a broken heart and goals to achieve.. Like Terry Crews said to me on FB, "you are not your mistakes".

I need my call to action. Why paying such a price of frustration? Oh yeah, for being the king of my real home, going to my real home, living my real amazing life. That sounds great but why am I still on the couch, with bitterness, humiliation and obsession ? My only willingness seems to not being enough. I have NOBODY to turn to, I am ALONE with FULL RESPONSIBILITY. But I can't go in acton efficiently.

I remember I already beat addictions: no videogames, no TV-Radio-Press since I'm 17-18 years old (or less for videogames), no music (well it is rare I listen to it) out of my 1H workout mix and alarm clocks since 18 years old or 19. So if I managed to beat these only addictions I had, I can easily beat that last one.

Let's review this first streak: 9 clean days (with setbacks at the end) VS. 2 porn videos, 2 porn induced FB chat conversations, 1 PMO, 1 MO and a little chaser effects. I can easily get back on track with this first fall. I'm already back on track. My main issue is the meaning my MOTIVATION to TAKE ACTION. I know what it is. I think there is a point in life where you have to stop thinking too much and talking (or writing) too much IF you know your goals and what it costs and IF you have scheduled your daily routine. There is that mental wall I can not go further in my mind to find motivation, I know what I want, what I have to do and how to do it. It's even a chance at 21 years old. Now get to work!!

Getting things done leads to skills, shape, beauty, magnetism, wealth and happiness.

FACTS: I just realised I have NEVER made the first move with girls, never! Lmfao AND I still got more than 10 hot beautiful girls that talked to me, reached me, smiled laughed watched etc. WHILE BEING IN PMO/MO/MUSIC. This is really true. Actually I think the "last" one 3 years ago (and then) encouraged me to start a love relationship with her, yeah it's obvious. BUT I was not ready, I knew I was not ready even after 2 clean months at that time. But she was so amazingly beautiful and sexy and one year older than me so I was so excited to stick with my integrity. And then, after a few MAGIC moments, it happened: I relapsed after my longest streak. From that day to nowadays, it has been 3 years of suicidal thoughts, bitterness, loneliness, obsession, realpses, despair, bad hygiene, bad grades, anger, family tensions and so on. But now that I realise I never made the first move, I feel a bit realeased I have to say. It is like I still have my one card to put on the table. Interesting why these hot beautiful girls wanted me to put it down. Why? Lol All I know now is that despite my broken heart I'm still a "pure" man virgin from kiss and sex and that it is all at my advantage for what I want. Indeed, I know now about Karezza, Sexual Transmutation, Goals Achievement and 24H schedule, the health benefits of Semen Retention and its Pheromons Magnetism effect, the proof that I am attractive (and good looking U_U), being at the start of my life, all I'm about to learn with more than 100 books, videos and even audios on health-psychology-finance, having some charisma and not afraid to socialize with the Smile Power, the power of Being Thankful, my Workout routine, the Full Responsibility mindset, the ability to take (self-directed) action, being clean from any addictions (yes), a pretty good look (I'm good at dressing me up), positive social and personnal anchors. What else? Now I know my only 3 obstacles are self-pity (VS. full responsibility and being thankful), self-doubt (VS. positive social and personnal anchors) and laziness (VS. sexual transmutation, goals and gradual ideal points).

MO RELAPSE with table corner failed injaculation. Hearing and listening to a girl "getting laid" is really tempting (I'm hearing her 24hours a day now it's crazy, maybe it is really that ugly girl who asked me for an experience yesterday for her master's degree). Anyway I don't want lust, nor M. I know it was my choice to gave in. No more now.

Hey here's another thing I found: sexual energy MUST be shared (karezza) with my wife. There is not some narcissism greedy things about semen retention. My semen retention, as long as I will keep it, is only strength and energy to be shared with my wife first, my exercise-hygiene-diet-work-sleep routine second.

But I know efforts are the best indicator of interest and commitment. After all.

Another breakthrough: daily exercise-diet-hygiene-work-sleep routine is the recipient of my opportunities. If I stay there, motionless, disrespecting my own daily routine, I will attract very low opportunities or none. We are in this world always attracting things like a rock in the middle of a river attract water, it never stops even for one second. The things we attract depend on the recipient we build of ourselves: standards, habits and goals.

It's with no doubt the worst week of my life: too much busy because of procrastination and addiction and depression.

2 PMO again oh shit wtf. Weak body, weak mind, weak hygiene, weak work, weak sleep, weak diet, I make myself so weak. I don't find the energy to make me strong. I feel everybody doesn't give a shit about me which is true. I'm alone in my world. I just take the time to heal, I take respnsibility in my choices of living. On Avril 1ST of 2017, everything will be all right. Another sentence for motivation bank. I simply have to take that bitter pill now in order to be safe for the rest of my life. Like the internship oral exam I just passed. It sucks because my body and mind are so fucked up right now. But I do what it takes to feel better, it is my evolution, growing can be painfull, I'm cracking that egg and I'm preparing to breath a brand new air.

I don't trust my flesh. I can not handle this on my own consciously. I have to flee temptation. Not even "surfing" on it. Flee. God doesn't condamn me for my mistakes, now I go and sin no more. Joseph Prince is a good adviser too regarding my struggle.

I'm doing a FB break for 1 week atleast.
I'll be back.

Dreamed of finding my sunglasses that night, not cool. Slept with my clothes, lights on, dormroom chaotic. Did my abs workout the morning with 30 litlle skull-crushers (My 2 old dumbells equal only 8kg). Will do the biggest part of my workout the evening so (chest, shoulders). So tired and lazy this morning, stuck in my good damn bed ahh yess... drained of semen life force. I know it will be good for me to get things done and fixed and clean today ANYWAY. Efforts right? Ahh but for now I'm just resting nothing wrong with that huh? I want to take action, but I'm a little bit too tired. But I also like the idea of having all things tidied up, cleaned up and done by 9PM on this school-free (yassss) Friday. I will be in a good mood when returning at my stepfather's house too. And more able to get next things done too. It's a positive cycle. Hummm, I think I'm gonna do it this time. My legs are heavy (funny how I forget all these physical damages when relapsing) and my mind is foggy as fuck again. But I want to do it this time. I want to feel victorious over my last relapse, over this shitty Devil. You know what I'm gonna do it, just to see how it feels, an experiment of my own productivity.

Just found out my scale was fucked up, I don't know my weight, maybe 70kg I don't know it is sad. It pissed me off I destroed it lol, should not get me.

Tired, yawning, layed on the bed. I just want to live my love life.

hi Man , this only the start , there will be a lot of lost batales before wining the war so good luck , remember all you learned during this 9 days and dont fall in tha same mistakes , you deserve to be happy man , so keep going.

364 days left...



Didn't eat yesterday evening, fell asleep at 10 something PM with my clothes. Woke up with a little headache, eyesache I would say. It is horrible to feel drained of life force the morning, like an empty barrel. Well it's 8:47AM now and I have the time to eat, do my hygiene, workout and get my things done.

Because I lack of sleep I get tired. Because I didn't do my daily tomorrow plan I get bored or stressed. Because I don't workout I get fat. Now I am tired, bored, a little stressed and fat (even though I 'm thin enough). So I gotta SLEEEEEP. I can't keep screwing myself like this.

Damn it's so.. shitty. Reality is boring as f***, I'm f***ing tired, it f***ing pisses me off.

Finally watched Straight Outta Compton in streaming a shit enough movie. I realised this: I act to be proud of myself. And also: I gotta be ripped as fuck.
Regain of libido and remembering how seductive I am lol. BUT it is all about my relationship now. NO bitches, NO tricks, NO lust crazy lonely behaviors, NO MORE SHITS.

Damn I'm broke, zero, less than zero. I'm 21 I need a car, a job, an appartment, being able to save/invest and pay my taxes, it looks like unreal for now, really. It scares me, it pisses me off. Shit.
How ridiculous I am.

Reality strikes hard.

I truly hate my mother. She's full of hatred, insulting people on TV with the ugliest laughter and false-narcissism  and nonsense shit justifications(how poor), yelling and searching drama in every solution. It pisses me off so bad. She's literaly anti-success, it's a heavy mental weight for me and I don't talk about my grand brother, my grand sister or my father. Their toxicity is pretty high. That self-pity shit and healing self-reflection is 2 ALMOST similar things. Feeling bad for being sad twists me up. But I know I can feel sad. It will all be so good forever at the end.

Days pass fast like nothing when you feel guilty, stressed, depressed and a little fat. BUT NOW I GOT ALL MY MOTIVATION. I incounsciously searched my own identity and I have now 60 pictures on my phone (diaporama for DAILY 1H workout) that are exactly what I am.

It is extremely annoying to live with such a toxic hatred mother. God bless all my family.