Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health

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HumbleRich

Guest
Hello all,

Richard, recovering alcoholic and porn addict here.  31 years old, turning 32 in August.

I'm starting this new journal to get back on my feet in this fight against porn and erotica.  At this point I will warn all readers that at times I will be getting into the nitty gritty details, talking about what I used to look at and why.  I may sometimes vent about other topics at well. 

So please don't read if you are feeling severely tempted. 

But mostly this journal will be focused on keeping me accountable over staying clean.

I look forward to further sobriety and staying clean of porn and erotica.

Thanks,

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
This recovery is confusing as hell at the moment.

Consciously, I know that I committed myself wholly to my wife when we got married and that I must be wholly loyal to her.  More than this, that is what I want to do.

But the addict in me says that porn and erotica are natural and okay.

There is a part of me that says I have a right to look at other women, that I have a right to look at other women's breasts.  Part of me says that it is not cheating, that it prevents cheating by getting me to focus that lustful energy on something that isn't real.

The smarter, conscious part of me knows it is just a stepping stone to infidelity.  That a single, twenty year old teacher in America could possibly sway me if I weren't careful.  I have even had fantasies of that exact thing.

This war between the good and bad in me makes me realize what this addiction does.

I am removing all of my addictions.  At the time of writing this journal I am six weeks sober of alcohol, I deleted my actual Facebook account two weeks ago, I deleted my secret Facebook account (the one I used to check out hot chicks) a couple of days ago.  It should be deleted within a week or so (I hate Facebook's 14 day policy).  I will not check the delete status as I don't feel strong enough in recovery yet.

The next step is to stop binge watching Youtube.  It is too easily used to watch light porn material.

In the past week I have watched actual porn only once (it was a "porn girlfriend" that I have watched many times in the past), but have been to Reddit's cleavage and breast pages many, many times.  About once a day.

I have an obsession with breasts still, although I have been able to keep the checking women out in reality to a low. 

My fear is that having used Reddit's sites for a long time (several months) will mean that recovery will take a long time (I am committed to life without Porn, so I am referring to how long it will take to get back to normal, not going back to porn).

In fact, I have rarely used actuall porn in the past year, but have almost exclusively used Reddit pages, but of course, these images are porn to me.

And worse, in fact, as they more easily lead to checking women out in real life.

But today is my first day clean.

I did binge watch four episodes of Frasier this morning (I am also recovering from unhealthy habits, like binge watching shows), so I am watching out for thoughts justifying PMOing later today.

The old, well you screwed up in this other way this morning, so you might as well.

No, I will not.  So, now it is time to get on with my Sunday.  Got chores to do, and lessons to finish planning. 

I'll be back on hopefully tonight, but will definitely check in tomorrow.

See ya then,

Rich (hopefully 1 day sober)
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
My wife  and I made love last night, very late, and are probably going to resume trying to make a baby soon.  It took me quite a long time, about a minute and a half, to get erect.  I feel like I have started this reboot right at the nick of time.

Rick
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Signing out on day 1, clean and sober.  Good night all.
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Acted out yesterday, and then again today.  So tomorrow I am starting over.  I CANNOT get back in the relapse cycle.  I will write later tonight about what happened.

Keep up the good fight!

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Logging in, clean and sober on day 1.  I feel a huge release, got a lot off my chest with the post I wrote on the main forum.  I just feel that this is an ugly addiction fostered by an ugly culture.  I am having a hard go at it today.  But I will pull through.  I want sobriety.  I want health.  I may not have the time this weekend to talk about what happened in this last relapse.  I will make sure to do so at some point soon. 

Thanks.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in, sober of alcohol, sober and clean of PM.  I have no idea how many days, but I am definitely approaching a week. 

Have a good one, people.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in.  I looked at the calendar and today makes 8 days.  Clean and sober of booze and PM.  Failing miserably at changing my weight.  I feel that drastic changes require drastic measures.  Starting tomorrow I will consume no added sugar whatsoever.  Much of the food we eat here is paid for and prepared by our employer, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, but not on weekends when my wife and I stay off campus.  So, I can't do much about meals, except for avoiding obvious sugar offenders.  But I can stop adding sugar myself in my drinks, by eating dessert, and consuming juices and sodas.  I can stop consuming added sugar.  I know I will hate it, and I believe that it will make it much harder to not PMO.

But I need to do this because:
My wife and I want to start trying to make a baby, and that requires that I be in good health to perform often.
I want to have a better, healthier sex life with my wife for its own sake.
I just want to feel better and be more confident in my skin.

So this means lots and lots of exercise and NO SUGAR!  It is going to SUCK!  I will be checking in on here often. 

See ya,

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in sober and clean.  Something very weird just happened .  I was out walking towards  the supermarket when vivid thoughts popped into my head.  I had huge cravings for alcohol, which I haven't had in a while, but isn't to abnormal.  But along  with  it, I had a weird craving to get drunk and flirt with Korean  girls in a bar.  I have  no idea where that came from and it scares me.  I am happily married and, though we have our problems, I would never damage that.  But then why did I just fantasize flirting, and cheating with other women?  I don't know if this is just a porn thing, my mind trying to replace the porn and erotic material I am not currently consuming, or if it is something more?  I hope not.  It was terrifying to feel that part of me pop up.  Maybe it has something to do.with my no sugar  diet I just started.  I don't know.  I will hug my wife extra close when I get back home and hope I don't have another thought like that again.

Sober and clean,

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in for today.  Two weeks, around about.  I am doing okay.  Not sure whether to call something a slip or not.  Just now I did get on the computer and google an actress, looked at pictures, clicked on some, and I did look at her cleavage.  I got several dopamine hits from that.  I have not masturbated yet.  Not sure what to call it, but it is definitely middle circle.  I am going to watch myself like a hawk for the rest of today.

In other news, after looking too long at a picture that my wife showed me of underwear for women, my wife asked if I would ever cheat on her.  I said no, and then promised I wouldn't.  This reinforces yet again how important all of this is, why I am adjusting my behavior and making changes.  It is really very important.

So, checking in sober (technically), but not as clean as I would like.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Hello all,

Unfortunately I slipped again.  I went to the Reddit pages soon after my middle circle incident.  Will comment more later.  Getting ready for bed. 

Back to 0.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Just acted out again, during break at work.  Way to start my July!!!  Maybe a reaction to starting my no sigar diet?  I don't knkw, but I habe to get myself together.

Rich
0 days
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Come on, Rich, get back on it. Think how good it felt to be clean, even a day at a time!

Those "middle circle" behaviours are deadly, aren't they. If I think of the times I've slipped from an extended period of abstinence, it's always been because I've convinced myself that I can get away with some behaviour or another.

You can get back on it.
 
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