The Baddest
Member
I just wanted to let my feelings out about how I started. While reading success stories I remembered how It all started for me.
I think a big part of it started in the month holidays between 10th and 11th grade. I already knew what porn was. But until then I was not much into it. I used to watch scenes on youtube. I also have vague memories of discussing porn with my friends and male cousins.
I also have been sexually abused twice in my childhood. Once by a neighbor and other time by a cousin. I hate them so much inside.
Anyway It was during this holidays that we got a cable TV. I used to love watching movies on it. Bot mma and papa are working individuals so I was alone in the house as my Sister was also gone to the university at the time. That TV movies , cartoons was endless novelty for me. I didn't knew why was hooked then but now I know. I used to M at any chance I got. 2 months just went by.
In 11th grade I chose Science and was really enjoying the subjects but never really had the energy or drive to do anything so I got very bad grades. Back then we did not have any high speed internet yet. Only TV. But the urges were so strong. The only place for me to watch P was by using papa's phone so I used to steal his phone when HE was asleep. I stole his phone almost everyday for about a year or more.
I never liked P then. was getting off to scenes on youtube.
Anyway, wanting to improve my life i starting to follow an advice article on the Internet based on healthy lifestyle like drinking as much water as you can and eating less and sleeping at a fixed time and waking up early. I put my all into it because my 12th exams were approaching and I was having brainfog all the time in the whole 11th and 12th period- unable to concentrate and confused all the time. I took control of my life , I was a bright student before 11th so my inner monk returned. The result of this streak was that I was the highest scorer in my class in 2 subjects. and cracked every national aptitude exam like for the Army, Engineering etc
But the underlying problem was low self esteem.
So the addiction started again when I went away from home. This time it got worse because I got my first smartphone.
I got so messed up away from home for the first time that I failed in exams. I was using P as an escape - from people from responsibilities, from work. I started cursing myself and criticised my self and everybody - my parents , my friends.
I tried reading a lot of "self help" books. But they were only effective for some time. I returned to P every effing time.
A year passed in college and I failed in exam once again solely due to PMO addiction. This time a big one. That is when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. If not for my sister who is my lifeline I might have descended further and probably broke my self.
It was complete darkness.
All this while I thought I did not know how to make friends.
I got philosophical and even wrote a few songs.
But music was making me sadder and sadder. so I left it after writing about 7 - 8 songs.
Came back to college started working on how to make friends.
Jan 2019:
2nd week - No PMO, made friends, revived relationships with roommate, relapsed on 6th day(did not know what relapse was)
3rd week - discovered YBOP.com , Noah Church, and all these eye opening article, decided to go on NoFap for 1 week at a time.
8 Feb - relapsed in true sense of the term.
I was helpless and had forgotten everything good that had happened to me in this year (largest PMO streak in my life).
but now I will be a beast again. I will destroy these Neural pathways. They have taken too much from me. I will kill this addiction with my own bare hands.
I will improve my life because I deserve a better life than this thankless , dark life.
I will do it.
I think a big part of it started in the month holidays between 10th and 11th grade. I already knew what porn was. But until then I was not much into it. I used to watch scenes on youtube. I also have vague memories of discussing porn with my friends and male cousins.
I also have been sexually abused twice in my childhood. Once by a neighbor and other time by a cousin. I hate them so much inside.
Anyway It was during this holidays that we got a cable TV. I used to love watching movies on it. Bot mma and papa are working individuals so I was alone in the house as my Sister was also gone to the university at the time. That TV movies , cartoons was endless novelty for me. I didn't knew why was hooked then but now I know. I used to M at any chance I got. 2 months just went by.
In 11th grade I chose Science and was really enjoying the subjects but never really had the energy or drive to do anything so I got very bad grades. Back then we did not have any high speed internet yet. Only TV. But the urges were so strong. The only place for me to watch P was by using papa's phone so I used to steal his phone when HE was asleep. I stole his phone almost everyday for about a year or more.
I never liked P then. was getting off to scenes on youtube.
Anyway, wanting to improve my life i starting to follow an advice article on the Internet based on healthy lifestyle like drinking as much water as you can and eating less and sleeping at a fixed time and waking up early. I put my all into it because my 12th exams were approaching and I was having brainfog all the time in the whole 11th and 12th period- unable to concentrate and confused all the time. I took control of my life , I was a bright student before 11th so my inner monk returned. The result of this streak was that I was the highest scorer in my class in 2 subjects. and cracked every national aptitude exam like for the Army, Engineering etc
But the underlying problem was low self esteem.
So the addiction started again when I went away from home. This time it got worse because I got my first smartphone.
I got so messed up away from home for the first time that I failed in exams. I was using P as an escape - from people from responsibilities, from work. I started cursing myself and criticised my self and everybody - my parents , my friends.
I tried reading a lot of "self help" books. But they were only effective for some time. I returned to P every effing time.
A year passed in college and I failed in exam once again solely due to PMO addiction. This time a big one. That is when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. If not for my sister who is my lifeline I might have descended further and probably broke my self.
It was complete darkness.
All this while I thought I did not know how to make friends.
I got philosophical and even wrote a few songs.
But music was making me sadder and sadder. so I left it after writing about 7 - 8 songs.
Came back to college started working on how to make friends.
Jan 2019:
2nd week - No PMO, made friends, revived relationships with roommate, relapsed on 6th day(did not know what relapse was)
3rd week - discovered YBOP.com , Noah Church, and all these eye opening article, decided to go on NoFap for 1 week at a time.
8 Feb - relapsed in true sense of the term.
I was helpless and had forgotten everything good that had happened to me in this year (largest PMO streak in my life).
but now I will be a beast again. I will destroy these Neural pathways. They have taken too much from me. I will kill this addiction with my own bare hands.
I will improve my life because I deserve a better life than this thankless , dark life.
I will do it.