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Messages - lte
« on: March 18, 2015, 11:06:22 PM »
I know that it is the way it is supposed to be. But it was not that way for a number of years. We would each say we like to be alone and take care of ourselves / In retrospect, we were no connecting. At All. And now without effort we are there for each other.!!
Amazing how the "normal" feels so amazing@
In the final analysis, a marriage is a very good friendship. Cooperation, etc, are a huge part of marriage.
« on: March 16, 2015, 11:43:21 PM »
Today my husband had some surgery. I noticed how we took care of each other. Without effort. We truly care for each other and I was happy to get him the things he needs and he wanted caresses to make him feel better.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
« on: March 13, 2015, 10:48:13 PM »
The Goal is compelete Abstince, but the Beginning is a Reboot from Pornography.
Are you still on this? I think complete abstinence is way too irrealistic and would lead to frustration and relapses only. Why not trying with ''my goal is to have a healthy sexual behaviour that corresponds with my true self''. With true self I mean the guy who you truly want to become, the one from your full potential. Sometimes we misunderstand our own will and can't go forwards because we have no clear, realistic objectives.
I would disagree. We have been sold a bill of goods regarding sex. You do not need sex in order to live and be happy; in fact, being in control of sexual desire helps us to have a better sex life in the long run. I am not advocating celibacy as a lifestyle, but I believe it is important and attainable for a man to be in complete control of his sexual desires. Once this is achieved, it becomes a lot easier to make good decisions in finding a mate, as opposed getting whatever you can and hoping that at some point in time you find someone with whom you can forge a durable relationship.
Misinformation regarding our ability to be in control of our sex drive is at the very root of porn addiction and compulsive masturbation. I've been on both sides of this issue and lived with a masturbation compulsion for over 40 year, a compulsion that ruined my life a destroyed the love of two women that cared enough for me to marry me. Had I been in control of my sexual desires I would probably still be with my first wife, or perhaps I would have waited until I was more mature before I got married. I was WEAK!
It wasn't until roughly 830 days ago that I made real progress with this problem and discovered an inner strength. I'm no longer "triggered" by the sight of a scantily clad woman in an advertisement. I no longer struggle, fearing that I will become obsessed with some aspect of sexuality and end up binging on porn. Having lived both sides of this issue I can tell you that I feel much stronger and much more in control of myself than I did before 12/02/12, that date that I first started this journey.
At this moment I have no desire to view porn. I could be watching porn five seconds from now but I'm not tempted in the slightest. I could go and jerk off and empty my prostate any time I want, but I don't want to. I far prefer to walk a bit taller, feel greater confidence and to wear a smile on my face, knowing that I am in control of myself, master of my own domain.
« on: March 12, 2015, 09:36:07 PM »
Two days of exam, two parts - done.
Tomorrow last day + the last two parts. Keep your fingers crossed.
And I hit 300 posts
You're on a winning streak.
« on: March 09, 2015, 10:36:45 AM »
You handled it well.
« on: March 07, 2015, 10:12:09 PM »
The ups and downs of life go on,even when we are rebooting. The great news is that you've weathered these events without relapsing.
« on: March 05, 2015, 12:10:08 AM »
I would like to share that my husband was on an overnight trip and I did not worry. At all! I am so proud. I did not have to call him a lot or text a bunch it was all wonderfully normal. And I slept. I did not keep waking up did not have trouble going to sleep. This is a big step for me.
So happy with how far he and I have come! Celebration!
Congratulations to both of you.
« on: March 03, 2015, 08:05:17 PM »
My husband was actually seeing a psychologist for ADHD type symptoms. Foggy mind, depression, just overall zombie like state. He was very very forgetful and completely unfocused. It's a good thing he is very good at his job! Anyway when he gave up games and PMO all of these things slowly vanished. He became much more focused, less forgetful and he became a better dad and all around better man. I could not believe the change in him from my perspective. I literally thought he had ADHD but it turns out it was dopamine imbalances.
Hello! Thanks so much for the info. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and have been taking medication for it ever since, but I also started masturbating as a young child and I have been feeling depressed since I noticed my PIED symptoms a couple years ago. I would really like to learn more about the possibility that I simply have a dopamine imbalance rather than full ADHD. Did your husband see a certain type of psychologist to find out about the imbalance? Or another kind of doctor?
Thanks again, so happy for you and your husband!
While purely anecdotal, I know that my concentration and attention span have improved greatly over the last two years. I am more focused at work and less inclined to become upset when things go wrong.
« on: March 01, 2015, 08:31:31 AM »
Facebook is different for everyone. For me it is mostly a way of communicating about my kids extracurricular activities and a news aggregator and a way to share pictures of your kids. It has never really been much of a social tool for me. I can see that is can be very different for other people.
I think that there's a generational difference. By the time the Internet became a consumer product I was established as an adult. Someone growing up in the Internet era may see Facebook as a completely different thing than I do. It's an integral part of social life for many young people these days. I'm not sure that's such a good thing, but that's the way things are.
« on: February 28, 2015, 10:59:30 PM »
One thing I dislike about Facebook is the fact that you have to declare who,your friends are and that you can unfriend someone. It strikes me as juvenile. I think that online socializing has created a false sense of who is and who is not an actual friend. Love and kindness should have at least some of their expression in real interchanges between people in the same place, at the same time. I see it as ludicrous that someone would think that dozens, hundreds or even thousands of online "friends" has any direct correlation to real, flesh and blood friends in the physical world. In some cases, online friendships have crossed over beyond the online realm, but I've found that people I really like online may not turn out to be such good friends in person.
The number of young males unable to perform sexually is highly disturbing to me. If anyone is not concerned it's because they aren't paying attention; IMHO.
« on: February 28, 2015, 09:35:42 AM »
I've often wondered about the role of social media in all of this. The closest I come to social media is forums, such as this one. I see Facebook as being characteristically different from forums. I suspect that building massive friend lists may be a form of hoarding for some people.
« on: February 27, 2015, 07:24:06 PM »
The progress continues over time. I'm closing in on 800 days and I still am breaking new ground.
This is my hope, this is what I cling on to when I have doubts
Early on in the game I realized that once the addiction was broken it would become easier overall. That isn't to suggest that I don't have the occasional rough moment, but they are much less common now than they used to be and I have built up a fund of experience in dealing with them. You will continue to see more benefits as time goes on. There's no end in sight; it just keeps getting better.
« on: February 27, 2015, 07:09:42 PM »
You have a good track record built up, jkkk. Stick with it, improvement keeps happening over time. I'm better now than I was 100 days ago and worlds better than I was 400 days ago.
« on: February 27, 2015, 05:55:52 PM »
I may have locked this topic inadvertently. It's easy enough to do, just a single click that must've happened accidentally. In any event, I unlocked it and I apologize. It seems like a great topic and I'm not trying to inhibit it in any way.
« on: February 27, 2015, 05:54:08 PM »
I'm sorry to hear of your problems. No one deserves what you've been through. Give yourself a little time, you'll be amazed by how much things can improve.
« on: February 27, 2015, 04:29:09 PM »
LTE you are right relationships appear to be reduced to co-habiting sexual partners. This lends to the belief then that if this one does not work out then either person can move out and move on. I was in a violent first marriage and I am glad that divorce was an option, but I also think that divorce is often the first answer as opposed to the last answer. Viewing marriage in that way takes out the commitment necessary to make a marriage work. I can say that the last 3 years of our marriage my husband have worked harder than ever before to work through and past the porn addiction.
I am saddened when I see the married women that have come here and have ended up with divorce as their option. That is not meant to be construed to mean they did not work hard enough or long enough. It just means that porn and our porn culture have made casualties of another relationship. Sex without emotion or commitment or a human, other than oneself, that is being touched. No reaching outside of yourself, no sharing of yourself with another. No gift of yourself. And that is the beauty of marriage, the gifting to one another of a self.
And to get through and work through porn addiction, the addict must find himself once again. He must find his self.
As I mentioned above, the watershed moment for me was realizing that I wanted companionship, not sex. I grew up in a religious environment, no premarital sex allowed. I never even viewed it as a possibility. When I reached a point of despair and was ready to cast the rules aside I saw what was in my psyche, and it was a desire for companionship. Find a companion, someone you enjoy spending a lot of time with, and sex becomes a lovely, private, intimate thing that you uniquely share. Start off looking for sex and you will be trying to force fit someone into your life just because you like the sex. Its a bass-ackwards approach on its best day.
It takes work to make someone a life partner. It takes patience, because no matter how wonderful that person is, there's a lot to be tolerated anytime two people with two separate free wills try to live together; but it can be worth it.
« on: February 27, 2015, 03:59:41 PM »
HR that is a very good take on things. It explains why, as women, even though our man ages we are not bothered so much by the changes that aging brings about in terms of physical attractiveness. We are engaged with the whole person. So a little or more weight here or there is not of concern to us. Graying hair or loss of hair not a big deal. For me, I love the sound of my husband's voice always have always will. Just hearing him talk. And that may explain why we are so blindsided by the whole porn thing.
JKKK what was it that you loved about your wife initially? If porn was there before her, then your preference was there. What does she or did she have that overcame that preference?
Women want to be more than a sum total of our body parts. My husband used to talk about the way I looked at 18 when he first saw me. I wanted him to say when he sees me now I am amazing. That is important to us. To be attractive throughout our life span especially to our husbands.
For my husband and I, we had to reach back and talk about why we got married, what attracted us to one another, why and how did we enjoy being with each other. We had to look at ourselves and find all those things again and bring them to the here and now. An update to our computer system of love.
Our modern pop culture seems to work against the direction of goodness regarding all of this. If you take cues from the world of entertainment you would think that the physical is all that matters. People have forgotten what a gift it is to have others in our lives. Everyone that is part of my close circle is precious, but a mate is even more precious.
« on: February 27, 2015, 12:05:02 PM »
Yet absolutely untenable for an addict. A great view on what is going on in our addicted selves has been just posted here:
And, honestly, to me that kind of information should be like contained in step-by-step reboot anthology. I acknowledge not every guy in this forum experienced that kind of problems, but this is in my view 100% spot on for those, who, unluckily, had almost all their childhood/adolescent/youth sexual experiences with PMO only and without contact with any women. Myself included. I really try not to pity myself, and I guess I would get even less pity from women around here, but just to state the obvious: none of us enjoyed even a second of being in that state of total disconnection from real women. If I could go back in a time-machine and help that poor guy of me, talk to him and explain just how wrong he is, I would. Not even to my benefit, but to the benefit of my wife.
I am convinced that our current culture has altered the social relationship between the genders, and not for the good. Sex is spoken of in terms more suited to describing sports or gambling. Since when has having intercourse been a form of "scoring" or "getting lucky"? Intercourse, the very word, means:
1: connection or dealings between persons or groups
2: exchange especially of thoughts or feelings : communion
3: physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person
Think about that, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, as quoted above, sexual contact is the tertiary definition of the word intercourse. The definition references the word communion which is an act or instance of sharing
. Do terms like scoring sound congruous with an act or instance of sharing
I am fortunate to have figured this out, roughly 8 months into my reboot. I was frustrated and lonely. I felt very isolated and wanted female companionship badly. I gave thought to casual sex or even traveling to Nevada to a legal brothel but then I asked myself an important question; what did I really want? The answer surprised me; in a good way. I was horny, shaking with desire and ready to do something foolhardy but what I really wished for was to have a cup of coffee with a lady friend. That was it! No feeling up someone, no sexual escapades, simply the calming and socializing effect of spending time with a friendly woman; the word "friendly" is not a euphemism for anything sexual in this case. Simply stated, what I craved at that moment was not sexual intercourse but social
Women provide an emotional counterbalance to our masculine personalities. We can see it all the time if we just take time to look. Even in our libertine era, men tend to be better behaved when women are around. Our language is usually a bit more refined and we control our behavior. It's not simply a matter of hoping for sex, we tend to be better behaved when we are around women that are off limits to us sexually, such as relatives, wives of friends, etc. Rowdy little boys have been known to become civilized in the presence of little girls, even when both are at an age where sexual desire is not normally present. The fact is, I, as a male, want to be approved of by females and I suspect that most females want to be approved of by males. I want to be approved of by women that are married and completely out of the dating market. I want to be approved of by females because that lets me know that there's hope for me to find the kind of long-term companionship that I need in my life . . . the kind of long-term companionship that we all need in our lives, because isolation is poison to the soul.
In every culture, marriage occurs. It exists in the bible belt, it exists in atheistic societies. It seems to be a barometer of the health of a civilization. In places where things are very bad, marriage and family seem to be in trouble. Boomtowns and mining camps are famed for prostitution and these places tend to be very short-lived, rarely developing into stable communities. OTOH, marriage and prosperity seem to coexist very well. I think it goes a lot deeper than just having a built-in sex partner. It's the moderating, civilizing effect that women have on us which is more important. Likewise, women benefit from a stable and loving partnership. The genders, when operating in an atmosphere of cooperation and love, tend to really help one another.
The "anything goes" morality of our day in age has gone a long way to erode trust between the genders. Many women feel that they must be on guard because they are the targets of guys just hoping to put another notch in the bedpost. A lot of men fear marriage because they know that divorce is very costly and, frequently, the male ends up moving out of the family home and starting over from scratch. It can be financially devastating. I speak from experience.
Sadly, the effect is estrangement and great social cost.
« on: February 27, 2015, 11:51:36 AM »
Whoa, whoa, whoa gents! The last thing any of us needs is a link to a trigger. I'm shutting this thread down.
« on: February 27, 2015, 11:03:08 AM »
This is a very insightful post and thanks for sharing it with us!
Very good diagnosis on the addict's perspective, great comparison to healthy views.
One of the biggest challenges that I know I face is rewiring. Learning, from scratch, how to have a healthy sexuality. I was addicted years before having a gf, before having sex. I personally know that my sexuality is totally warped and all that you describe is absolutely my case.
Include heavy objectification of my wife. She is the love of my life. And yet I have a magnificent problem with objectification. On my part this issue is painful and wrenching for me, because my objectification turns also on negative points that is - in my objectifying addicted consciousness - particularly my wife's breast size.
It amazes how after so much reboot and effort this still is a problem for me. This shows just how humble I need to be towards my addiction. At a certain point in acting out I visited a lot of sites about breast augmentation, explaining to myself that this perfectly legit and normal. It is not. I wonder when will these thoughts go away. I really wish they would. They are a byproduct of my addiction and one of the few symptoms that I still feel and that really bothers me.
Yet I will not give up. I will fight this sh** to the end or I should rather say that I will LET myself be healed by abstaining from what I cannot control and doing the best in where I have control.
Thanks for sharing, once again. This was very spot on for me. If I could return you any favor, let me know.
The progress continues over time. I'm closing in on 800 days and I still am breaking new ground.
« on: February 22, 2015, 11:02:57 PM »
I've been studying depression lately and have learned that there are faulty reasonings common to many people with depression. Black and white reasoning, defeatist thinking, etc; these are the sorts of thoughts that can result in depression.
Some people deal with obsessions and compulsions, usually based on faulty coping mechanisms. They've learned to treat OCD by teaching people to identify the faulty reasoning in their coping strategies and then teaching them, by exposure, that they can overcome anxiety without indulging their compulsions.
I have used this information to analyze my mastubation and use of porn. In my case, and speaking only for myself, I suspect that I was a compulsive masturbator. Once I learned that I could resist the compulsion to masturbate and that my anxiety would dissipate of its own if didn't masturbate. This was a huge revelation for me. It was, literally, life changing. It was also liberating, because I was no longer controlled by this obsession.
As the layers have been peeled back I have been able to identify subtle obsessions that I didn't even realize I had. I use to ogle, and now I realize that this was some sort of obsession. Having discovered this I find that I'm doing much better in this regard. The best news is that I can see a beautiful woman without obsessing about her body.
For me, these are all different facets of the same behavioral change. It can be explained as porn addiction, compulsive masturbation, or lack of self control, but it's not a monolithic problem. Internet porn has certainly a major factor. We live with access to porn that is unprecedented. That has exposed many more people to hard core porn than would have been possible one generation ago. It think it's influence cannot be denied, but people of different temperament and experience will be affected to lesser or greater degrees by the availability of Internet porn. I know that in the days of print porn, girlie pictures, some people, like me, were highly affected, while others seemed to be able to take it or leave it. My take on this is that some people have better coping skills and are less affected by porn. They simply shrug it off.
This isn't so far fetched, I certainly have lost interest in porn over the last two years. It holds no more titillation for me at this point than would a picture of a lawn mower. I can take it or leave it and it's a lot better for me to leave it, so I do. This would not have been the case before 12/02/2012, but slowly, over the span of 800 + days, I have lost my fascination with porn.
So, in my case, a virtually automatic response has been unlearned. What I find gratifying is that having broken the chain of behavior, the origins of this behavior have manifested themselves. I have analyzed my life, my emotional ups and downs and various notable events and found a cohesive explanation of my behavior that makes a great deal of sense. It covers the emotionally enmeshed relationship I had with my mother and her reasons for this, then it goes on to explain certain fascinations I had as a child (such as an extraordinary degree of fascination with female anatomy) and how masturbation became a compulsion waiting to happen. Porn was the fuel for my masturbation problem so, to some extent, the problem ebbed and flowed in relation to my opportunities to see porn. During very hard times in my life I would seek out porn, because it was a self-soothing behavior. All of this affected my taste in women, a remarkable sameness of physical type, and I squeezed myself into unlikely relationships because of this false idealization. It's as if I've discovered the Rosetta Stone to decode my life.
Ultimately, the deeper issues try to hide behind inappropriate behaviors. Remove these behaviors and the behaviors become impossible to conceal. Eventually the wounds that cause these behaviors come to light and life makes more sense.
It's a process of chipping away; a series of minor victories that add up to major progress.
« on: February 22, 2015, 03:07:35 PM »
Sooner or later it comes down to controlling our reactions to stressful, uncomfortable, situations. Binging on porn and/or masturbation is a faulty response to emotional discomfort.
« on: February 20, 2015, 02:33:09 PM »
What advice can I give at this point?
1. Don't dwell on this crap. Don't think about it. Don't give too much place to it mentally.
2. If memories assail you, change the channel. If mental pictures pop into your head, don't get all crazy trying to directly fight it, you'll only fuel the fire. Rather, put your mind on something else. Sing your favorite rock song, imagine doing the dishes (yeah!), or think of a puppy! Lol... anything else. Just don't take it down the wrong road of, "Oh no, I better not think of this, this is so wrong, I hate this, I better not do this- this, this, this!" See how you're still thinking about it, even though supposedly you're fighting against it?
3. If your mind goes into a sexual fantasy, about a real or imaginary woman, get to the bottom of it. What am I feeling that I all of a sudden need to alter my mood in this way? Did someone insult me? reject me? Do I feel neglected? Did I think in some negative downer way?
4. If a woman is beautiful, acknowledge it- it's natural- it's okay. Then, just don't dwell on it. You're a strong man now, not the weakling who's chasing after every skirt, or lust after every woman as if she were a piece of red meat. You're not a dog, trying to sniff every she-dog who comes by. You're in control.
5. Be careful how you identify yourself. "Hi, I'm Joe, and I'm an alcoholic." Oh, really? You haven't drank for 5 years now, how are you still an alcoholic? Then when life comes and kicks you when you're down, guess what you'll turn to for comfort? No. You are not your addiction! And neither am I!
6. See yourself sober. Imagine yourself, how great life will be with that crap in the rear view mirror! Imagine yourself saying, No, in various situations. See yourself actually hating what you once loved.
7. If you're a man (or woman) of faith, pray- but not the pathetic, "God help me to not do this!" prayers, but rather pray, "God, I say 'no' to this crap! Help me to stand in your strength"- or something like that. Prayers that take into account the victorious winner that you are, not that person who's always on the verge...
Be thankful, celebrate the smallest of victories, smile, don't hold onto anger, forgive people who piss you off, and above all- know that you are loved more than you could ever possibly imagine.
I especially like the first point you make. Ultimately, this subject becomes a "non-subject" and it's behind you. That's how I feel right now. I very rarely give it any thought these days. It's a problem I've moved beyond. I had some very stressful times of late and the temptation to PMO never came to mind. I've learned that PMO is not the answer to life's problems.
« on: February 13, 2015, 05:02:10 PM »
My son rejects God too. He has no reason to, he was raised as an adopted child and lived well. Then a girlfriend broke up with him and the drugs started and he blamed his adoption for his problems.
I have every reason to reject God; The loss of my career into a sales rep job started my wife seeing me as less than a man. Then I got fired. She then started to insult me and boss me around. sex got infrequent. After 3 years of being unemployed, she got more sexualy frigid and started to hide her body from me so that I rarely see her nude. Then she developed sexual pain. So, lets look at it. I pray for a good career, God not only takes it, but ruins the situation so I can't go back. Then from the loss of the career my wife sees me as a bit of a wimp and bosses me around. Then I get fired. Bosses me around more and disrespects me. Then she gets a job after a 1 week search. I hit the 5 year unemployed mark. She gets more disrespectful and then develops pain during sex. So, I have no sexuality to look forward to, no job to fill in the gap and my autistic son is gay and effeminate. I hate the life I've developed.
As for God? Other people have lost a lot more so what do I have to complain about? God will do what He will do.
I read a book recently entitled "Don't Blame God" by John W. Schoenheit. While I don't necessarily endorse every view that the author holds, I think that it helped me to see that God does not have a hand in everything that happens. I get frustrated by life's ups and downs at times and more than once I've blamed my loving Creator, but it's not His fault. We live in a flawed world, caused by sin and disobedience. The horrors I see all around as I read the news are upsetting, even disheartening, but that doesn't make the work of our Creator any less wondrous. In His time he will bring an end to the suffering; until then we must wait.
« on: February 12, 2015, 11:51:39 PM »
Great insights, Leon.