30yr old male with a Family

Hello,

I?ve been married for 15yrs and about 10 months ago my wife realized I had a problem with porn. I told her I would get help. The problem probably had occurred 10yrs before that if not even further back, but I had refused to accept it as a problem. I bounced around from everything, Craigslist ads to webcams to gay, straight porn & forums of all kinds

I really felt good about getting better. My wife had a tracker on my phone to monitor me. And yet 3 weeks ago I ruined it by going to sites despite knowing she was watching me! How foolish am I? And then she continued monitoring me and gave me a chance again. She left the house and I used the laptop to try to access porn again. Of course she hadn?t told me the laptop was monitored but I knew something was wrong when Xvideos was blocked. And I still kept searching for porn! She called me in tears and made me leave the house. I knew something was wrong with the sites being blocked and yet continued to try to access them. I reset my clock on the 6th of OCT.

It was the laptop that lulled me into a sense of security. I feel so stupid as if I can?t think for myself

Welcome.

No one quits on the first try.  If everyone could quit on the first try, it would be proof that it isn't addictive or dangerous.  Relapses happen, even really frustrating ones.

When you say "I feel so stupid as if I can't think for myself", you're saying something correct, albeit in a harsher way than I'd prefer.  The word to keep in front of us is "hypofrontality".  The pre-frontal cortex is the bit just at the front of the brain that plays a major role in executive function, our ability to control our own brains and impulses.  Porn diminishes it, as does any addiction.  It doesn't come back over night, and that is why small successes, good, solid streaks, are helpful.  It doesn't mean you "allow" relapses, but it does mean you forgive them and get back on the horse as soon as possible.

So, how to milk that shrunken pre-frontal cortex for all its worth?  Learn your triggers.  They are the bells for pavlov's dog.  Many will be sexual, many others will not be sexual.  Sources of stress, routines that precede porn viewing, emotional stuff, the basic damaged human nature we call life... it all makes a difference.  You may have to give up things dear to you to avoid the triggers.  If the evening beer is a responsibly, healthily enjoyed pleasure in your life, but it was always accompanied by some porn, you'd be best to give it up... at least for a while.  Social media is loaded with triggers.  Things related to porn induced fetishes tend to be pretty nasty, even if they are in a G rated context.  I remember one guy posting on here the trouble he had at work because he worked with a woman who wore pantyhose, and hosiery was a big fetish for him.  When the triggers are stacked up and the computer screen is in front of us, we're in "zombie mode", and our feeble wills are just not powerful enough.  You need to keep yourself as far away from zombie mode as possible and you'll keep the most executive function.

As for your wife, tell her you're sorry and that you love her.  Tell her what we're telling you here, that this is a very real addiction and there will be failures.