The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.

tenjyou

Member
amagad it logged me out... that's really f*ckin frustrating. I lost my entire first post which was god knows how long... I'll see if I can rewrite what I had there, but the heartfelt feelings... fuck the heart felt feelings. It's something I need to do.

Hello and welcome to whomever is reading this journal. Whether you are brand new and aspiring to change this aspect of your life for the better, or are already on this journey yourself and are here to give back and help us new ones, or even just looking for some motivation, welcome. I hope through reading some of these posts of mine it will not only help me with my issues, but also help you all, inspire you all, motivate you all to keep on going. I'm sure that in here you will be reading a lot of crap that happens... like just now. You write your heart out for 3 hours, and the site logs you out and you lose everything. You have no idea how pissed off I was. I was yelling at the monitor with no avenues to release the amount of hate i felt for this site at the moment. I wanted to just say F*CK IT, and forget this damn thing haha... but after I started writing again and really thinking about the people who are reading this or who, in the future, will be reading this, I realized this is day one. Bad sh*t already happened lol so I can already tell I'm in for a bumpy ride, but if I lose my motivation because of something small like this, how will I ever get through the actual rough times. So I'll raise my water glass to that and say cheers to you all for all the F*cked up moments we are going to go through. The quote Gabe brought up rang through my mind by Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going." Because eventually you'll get out. As the saying goes there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just gotta keep walking to get there.

HAAAHHH... Ok now that that is out of my system...

Oh right... Introductions.

About me: I'd consider myself your a bit more than average shy guy. I'm 32, and have only had 1 girlfriend. I was a bit of a late bloomer only meeting her at the age of 20, and breaking up after 3 months due to some weird.. no.. not weird... very weir... no extremely odd events. If you want to know feel free to ask and I'd be happy to share with you, but that's another story for another time. Anyways since her I've been single... so that makes it close to 13 years without much contact with women in an intimate way. Which kind of lends itself to porn. Aside from the porn, I play video games regularly. Don't think I need to go into detail about my job as I feel it doesn't really matter. I have a bunch of friends that are in the same position as I am in regards to porn. We send videos or pics of new models we find and analyze what we like about them. We talk about the body parts we think are hot in that picture or what about that scene makes it good. I've sent them the links to the ted talk and YBOP website by Gary Wilson as well as the videos by Gabe Deem. I let them know that I will be starting this journey and asked them to understand that I will not be participating in their talks about such things. I know that I cannot control their thoughts or force them to do things and that I can only send them the information. If they seek to change in this way I can help guide them, but that's it. It's on them, just like its on me if I really want to change. It's not something everyone wants to do and that's okay. It is their life and those are their decisions. But I am making my decision to change this aspect of my life.

Hopefully that is enough background on me...

My goals huh... Well I am going through the reboot process so I figure it's semi obvious what I want out of it, but for clarity's sake I want to be able to pop a boner normally without the use of porn or mental fantasies. I want to regain sensitivity in my cock. I would like to be able to be intimate with a woman and not worry about getting hard without porn or having to imagine some sexual fantasy in order to pop a boner. Aside from that I want to regain all the energy that I feel like I've lost. There are so many things that I want to do but right now feel too lethargic to do or lack the motivation to do because I get more excitement watching a guy creampie a girl in a video. (Too much info? My bad I'll keep it PG after this post because I want to get it all out there and not have to worry about filtering my thoughts at least for the first post) There have been long term goals of mine that I have put on the backburner that I want to accomplish like learning multiple languages, playing the blues on the harmonica, getting a black belt in a martial art. I know those are hard for someone my age but I want to be able to accomplish them.

Sticking points is next eh...
I've come to realize that I'm the kind of person that needs to do something everyday otherwise I lose focus on it and the drive will eventually fade away... so at a bare minimum I need to post at least something small everyday. I realize that this will lead to something way too long that I doubt anyone would want to read but that's ok(I hope haha) as this is for me right?

So a post every day!

Some milestones I want to hit are at the end of each month / 30 days in the future from today.

First month
Within the first two weeks I would like to have been able to go 3 days without any porn / masturbation / images / erotic stories / erotic (hentai) games / etc etc... and put that energy into the tangible things that I have wanted to accomplish but never did. I feel like this is doable.
The second two weeks I want to try to go at least 7 days without any porn / masturbation / images / erotic stories etc etc. While there is a possibility that I or you might not succeed,  I want to pat myself on the back and pat you on the back for however many days we managed to go without. Progress is just that, progress. I need to remind myself that I, and you need to remind yourself that any progress you make is something that millions of other men out there won't do or don't have the drive to do. So tell yourself good job _______. You made it ____ days! That's ____ days more than your average joe. Now keep on trucking and keep on working towards what you want.

The Second and Third week go up one week each month as a goal, so the Second month would be 2 weeks without and the Third month would be 3 weeks without. Just a goal to aim for. Whether or not I can achieve is still up in the air, and I will adjust my goals as needed but that's it.

So if you have read this far wow. I applaud you and thank you for taking the time to read. From here on it will be daily journals I write for myself and to you all.

Day 1:
I spent the majority of the day deleting all the saved archives and bookmarks and other random things I had on my computer and phone. I was surprised at how many times I thought to myself I should save this and send it to some of my friends who would enjoy them... but realized that was me rationalizing some way to keep porn on my computer./phone. After everything was scrubbed, I went through breaking old cd's i burned with videos and games and images I had collected since I was younger. Nostalgia came up and made me want to open them up and look, but I managed to get rid of 99% of it. I did end up watching an old video I had of a friend of mine who became a webcam model before she became one while she was practicing with me because I was her "gay" friend whom she felt comfortable enough to be naked around but didn't see me in that way... Sh*t... brought back memories of the things i wanted to do to her... broke that one too. Fed-ex'd some of the actual porn I had bought to friends saying I didn't want them anymore including pictures from adult-con we got and other random things. I could feel the urges rising in me while I was doing this but seeing as it is my first day and my motivation is high right now I didn't look at anything else and to get my mind out of the gutter, I played a crap load of the game Overwatch. I've been trying to and have slowly gotten a bit better, but still consider myself a novice / nub at the game. I've found games as a solace in that no matter what my mood is, I can strictly focus on playing the game and really have no other thoughts other than playing the game, so I spent the next 7 hours playing Overwatch.

After that gaming session, I ended up actively calling out a friend to go eat. We had dinner and then ended up somehow talking about the exact ted talk The Great Porn Experiment which reminded me that I still had not posted anything toda... yesterday. Drove home and played some more Overwatch to settle down and relax for a bit. Ended up losing and blaming my team-mates for the loss and rage quit. After a couple of minutes of reflection and realizing that I had burst out in anger at my team-mates instead of blaming myself I logged in, apologized to them and quickly logged out, embarrassed at my behavior for blaming them when it was my fault that we had lost. And then I ended up here... and 5 hours later here I am. At the start of Day 2 even though I haven't slept yet due to me losing my previous post haha... Saving a copy of this in notepad. Learned my lesson! ;)

Anyways that's it for day 1... some reflections:

What I did well: I really went out and removed everything that I could think of / find. I felt pretty proud of myself when the urges came up to distract myself with video games... although that in the future might not be the most productive way to spend my time...

Things I can work on: I tend to make emotional connections to things, so nostaliga really hit me hard on today when getting rid of my old saved videos. There were many times where I tried to rationalize with myself that keeping a few of these were for memory's sake and not for porn, but after much arguing in my head... good lord that makes me sound crazy... but after all of that I ended up realizing that it was a form of porn and that I need to start this out right and really the only way I can commit to it, is if I get rid of it. Not entirely sure if I got it all as there might be some remnants around the house hiding but I have faith that if I do end up finding stragglers I will deal with it properly.

Things I'm grateful for: One thing I have done just about every day for the past year or so is being grateful that I woke up today. I know it sounds like an old man thing to say, but after seeing friends pass on in freak accidents, or family members in comas for months... I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to live life. I can change myself for the better. I am not stuck in a bed whittling away. I am alive and I'm glad to be here. This reminds me of a poem I wish I had used that I found after submitting my senior quote in my high school yearbook and I'll end my post with this(paraphrased as I don't remember the whole thing):

"I shall walk this way but once; therefore any good that I can do or any kindness I can show; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.


Also, if you are rebooting try to include some of these items in each journal entry:
Did I use porn today?
What were my triggers?
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
What am I grateful for today?
Day counter!

Step #4: Keep all the progress updates in your journal

Please don't flood the main forum with threads about what day you're on.

Keep all your progress (and questions specific to your progress) in the journal.

Yes, the thread will get long, but it's better that way.

Reading a journal from start to finish would be like reading a story of a person who used to be porn addict and then finally recovered. It will have all the details, all the ups and downs, and all the help and encouragement received from other forum members, which leads me to...

Step #5: Participate in other people's journals

This section is a lot more effective if we participate in each other's journals. It is highly encouraged to open other journals and post, ask questions, show support and give advice.

This will make us feel like a family with everyone helping everyone. Remember also, there are lurkers who do not make accounts who are being helped by our posts as well.

Thanks for reading, now let's Reboot and help others!
 

tenjyou

Member
lol tldr huh... that's ok I've come to realize that this needs to be for me and about me. I'm not writing any of this to please any of you although if it does in some way then that's fine. In order for me to reinforce the teachings and really understand something I have to write it down and go over it. So anything I've learned and am attempting to commit to memory will be written about here. I really won't be writing about porn or urges unless they really pop up in my life. This is more of an online journal i guess for me.

Day 2:
So slept for about 6 hours and woke up feeling a little irritable... not entirely sure why, but I could feel a little throbbing in my head throughout the day. I figured I would read up a little more and came across a couple of sites. One was http://www.recoverynation.com/index.php and the other was http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0 and http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0. After reading through it reminded me of years gone past when I was trying to become less shy and was listening to a lot of anthony robins. One of the key things he would restate over and over again is that whatever your mind focuses on is what you will focus on. This hit home with what they discussed in the forum post above by TheUnderdog. If you are serious about rebooting, you really have to stop thinking about not watching porn because all it does is remind you about porn. What you need to focus on are the lifestyle changes that he mentions above. I know I'm only on my second day and am still in that phase where I feel like I can do anything... that natural motivation which is similar to all those people who make those new years resolutions to lose weight. They join a gym and are good for 2 weeks and then fall off. We'll see.

After reading through both I can understand their logic and I feel like it very true in what they said, but I wasn't able to create that sense of urgency that they talked about. I have my goals that I want to achieve and I have set up my daily and weekly sub goals in order to get to where I want to go (for example: an hour of harmonica practice everyday for a week at 3pm. As soon as you wake up go outside and practice martial arts for half an hour, every night before I sleep meditate for at least 10 minutes. Spend an hour learning Chinese after lunch.) Forming good habits requires dedication and persistence so in order for me to do all of this well I need to never skimp out on a day unless absolutely necessary. I know that I cannot stay at home if I want to be productive. It's just not the way I'm wired. I study better outside the house; in a coffee shop, a public library, in the park. Somewhere that I feel I need to be doing something otherwise I'm wasting my time. If i just sat at a coffee shop I'd be bored out of my mind, thus I study there. If i stayed at home there are just too many distractions that can pull me away from being productive.

Anyways today I wasn't able to go out as I had too many projects in the house I needed to take care of. Firstly I had to fix my sisters bike. Repatch the tires and put in new breaks. Clean the bathroom and kitchen.  water the plants etc etc. Took most of the day and kept my mind busy, but that feeling of agitation still lingered and I could feel it growing on me everytime something small didn't work out. Normally small things like that don't bother me, but today along with that tiny throbbing in my head every small thing bugged the heck out of me. At one point I  got annoyed at the fact that I couldn't put the tire back in no matter what I tried, and so i left, went downstairs and opened up my browser and stopped. thought and laughed to myself, God bless it man. It really does seem like it's second nature to just go to the computer and check out porn to make myself feel better. Laughing I ended up going outside and looking at the beautiful day and decided I would take a nap outside and refresh. Woke up about 15 minutes later and went back and got the tire in. Sister came home grateful that I fixed up the bike and left to go to her friends birthday party. So now here I am writing about my day, still with this lingering throbbing in my head but happy that I could actually catch myself in the act. It's day 2 and already crap is popping up.
 

Viffer

Member
Your on the right track. Regarding games it might be better to distance yourself from them 'slightly' and re evaluate why you play them so much. It's not just porn addiction that can be a nasty habit, you may have to nail a few more things on the head as well.

For instance:

I've cut out the following:
Porn (obviously)
Drinking - for the time being until my reboot/ training is done
Talking shit behind people's back
Negative self opinion - love yourself
Playing games - I naturally came away from this in the last year or so
Eating whatever I wanted whenever - I've lost a stone in the last month

I still smoke, and I still use cannabis in the evenings but I know I can do without either if I really needed to. Smoking gives me time alone to process my thoughts and calms my nerves, cannabis fills my late evenings and helps me process the hundreds of self help videos I watch and enjoy them.

Consider exercise, take up a new active hobby, cycling, walking, yoga etc. Do something out of your comfort zone. I've taken up boxing - a very scary and macho sport and its helping my confidence a ton, I've discovered I'm actually a pretty tough guy when I need to be. Healthy body healthy mind.

Become obsessed with something productive, be it fixing bike tyres, watching self help vids on YouTube, exercise or etc. Video Games are good and recent studies show that they help brain activity and hand eye coordination, but don't abuse them. Maybe limit yourself to a couple hours an evening rather than an all night binge  ;)

Hope I helped some
 

tenjyou

Member
Hello Viffer!

Thanks for the response! It has definitely solidified some of the thoughts I've had regarding pursuing more productive activities and I understand the concern for the gaming. I've also always wondered how much it's influenced my life and whether or not it has become an addiction as well which is very possible. Now I know I'm rationalizing with this thought but since my current field of work as well as the future business I want to make revolves around video games as an electronic sport and keeping up to date with the current video game market is it really a bad thing?... no nevermind haha I answered my own question, it's ok to play, but it's bad to play too much, as that is time spent on something I could be doing.

As for doing something outside my comfort zone... I'm not too sure I can think of one as I used to do a lot of crazy things, jump out of planes, race motorcycles, parkour, amateur boxing and martial arts... Maybe picking up girls? haha not sure why but for me it stings a lot more getting rejected by a girl than failing a jump and falling from a two story building and breaking bones. (yeah... don't do parkour stunts with a bad mental state).

I appreciate the response as it did help. I'll definitely take up your suggestions and try to incorporate them going forward, but I'm not quite sure how to become obsessed with something.

Onto the journal.

Day3:
Woke up and started a new daily morning routine. After waking up practice my martial arts for 30 minutes. After waking up though I still felt that slight throbbing of a headache, but it's never feels bad enough to physically impair me from doing things, just an annoyance... that is until I start practicing my martial art. Every form I go through I can complete but not without thinking about the throbbing in my head. Before when I trained I could focus entirely on how my body felt when going through the forms, was I off balance when going through a certain motion, too committed to that strike or not, was I hunching over instead of keeping my back straight, but as I practiced today it was more 50/50 between that and the throbbing. Made it a bit hard to concentrate. I figured this is part of the process as I had never had these headaches before starting 3 days ago, and I have not changed anything in my day aside from no PMO, images... all that jazz, and the extra exercise.

After the martial arts, I had a light breakfast and then I read up and researched a few business things. The throbbing was still there, so I thought maybe a game of Overwatch would help... nope, played for an hour and got irritable from it, decided maybe a more hearty meal would help as it was lunch time. Had a decent lunch. Ramen which was not bad... maybe a 7/10 if you don't factor in price. While eating watched the soccer game HUN vs BEL. Saw an attractive girl walk into the restaurant with her friend, realized she was probably a college girl maybe a bit older... normally not one I would be interested in, but found myself interested in her. Awkward to place to say hi and start up a conversation so I didn't do anything but smile when she looked over. Finished lunch and went to the local Starbucks to study. Had some difficulty concentrating, but studied Chinese and Japanese for an hour each.  Then went to catch up on the League of Legends season, reviewed gameplay and looked over the strategies involved. Drove home, practiced harmonica for half an hour and started writing here.... oh wait... On the way home I was listening to the news(Something I will not do again at least during the first few months.) Ended up hearing news about Police officers involved in a sex scandal. When I got home I started looking it up and as I saw a picture of the girl I literally immediately thought to myself wtf am I doing... closed the web browser. Then to make matters worse my friends sent me another picture of a hot girl they saw, I deleted it and told them again that I am working on this. I guess they didn't realize I was having trouble and didn't take what I said seriously before but when I restated I was actually having problems it sounded like they understood. Will finish up the night with some more Overwatch... maybe just an hour or so as Viffer suggested, then meditate on my day and get some zzz's.


tldr; Quick summary of the day.
Things I did well today: I got out of the house and studied two of the languages I want to learn. I practiced martial arts in the morning like I said I would and practiced harmonica. All the activities I want to get better at, I worked on today. I also immediately closed the web browser after realizing what I was doing and deleted the picture of the girl that my friends sent my phone.

Things I need to improve on: I feel like I should try to be more active. I need to read up on this headache or go see a doctor.... maybe I'll go see a doctor this week sometime... Need to look up a better way to study than just read the books. Maybe look online for help with that.

Things I'm grateful for: My friends. They are good guys and people that I can count on. Without them I know I wouldn't be here today.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 4:

So today was a very eye opening as well as painfully exhausting day. I have come to realize more so just how much all things sexual exist in our daily lives. From the clothing women wear, to the ads, music, news, topics of conversation, sci fi / fantasy novels, radio... you name it I came across it vividly today. Which made it hard to know where to look, what to listen to, what to read, what to do in these circumstances.

So let's start at the beginning.

Woke up and did my morning martial arts, and since it's Monday added shoulder and back exercises. Afterwards took an ice cold shower ( I read the article about cold showers and figured I'd try it out. No harm can come from it, so why not see what effects it has on my body). It was COLD... like REALLY COLD. I had to furiously rub my arms to keep myself warm, but eventually my body adjusted to the cold and it was okay. After the shower I decided to pick up a fantasy novel series I had started a few weeks ago. As I was reading through there was a rather racy scene which I skimmed over and didn't even take note until I finished the chapter. I thought to myself wait a second... did I just read what I thought I read? Went back found the passage and literally cursed out loud. I had just found out one source of pleasure for me is now taken out of my life for a while. No fantasy / sci-fi novels. I thought to myself well shiet while that does suck, I can live without reading for pleasure if it means that I can get control oh and get rid of this addiction permanently from my life. So I packed up all of my for fun to read books and put them in a box and decided to give them to my sister to hold onto. After that I went onto the recoverynation.com site and started up their workshop as it gives structure to the reboot and since they are both complimentary I figured it would be good to do. Completed the first exercise and we will see where we go from there.

After that fiasco, I realized it was getting later into the afternoon and I had a meeting with a potential business partner / investor in a few hours and I could buy some things for my nephew before I go see him next week. Started up my car, and the first station that came up without static had an R&B song by Usher... I switched the station... an older song... still about the same things... literally after 12 stations I pulled over and started crying a bit because I had finally found the classical music station and I realized that the only music that I can really listen to are instrumental or foreign language songs that I totally do not understand. I found out yesterday that radio news was no good and now lyrical music songs were more than likely not great either =\.

Anyways... after my brief moment in the car, I continued onto the mall to the Nordstroms to buy some baby clothes and the like. I didn't even know where to look, can't look straight, above, behind, to the sides... lots of attractive women walking around wearing clothes you all can probably guess so I won't mention. I know I caught myself staring or doing a double take on a couple and then realized it might be best to just stare at the floor for the time I was down there. Same thing with inside the stores, ads and models and the fact that they put intimate apparel next to the baby section was frustrating. Found what I was looking for and went straight to the cafe to start the phone interview.

The phone interview already started awkward. We talked for a bit to get to know the backgrounds of each other, and somehow ended up on a topic of how his teenage daughter was in her rebellious phase etc etc ( I won't go into the details but you all understand)... god bless it. As politely as I could I asked him if we could get on with the meeting, and he laughed and agreed. The meeting went well. As we felt each other out, it seemed like it would be a good fit for the both of us, so we will be talking tomorrow with this boss in a conference call.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. I met up with my sis to give her the books. Drove back home listening to the jazz station this time and here I am... Totally flabbergasted and kind of just wtf do I do in those kinds of situations?


TLDR: Summary of the day
Things I did well: Did not berate myself for any of the incidents that happened today. They happened, I learned more triggers for myself as well so am now better prepared to deal with them and expect them to be there in the future.

Things I should improve on: I found it difficult not to stare or do double takes on women I found attractive walking down the street, or have those quick 2-3 second fantasy's about them... I'm honestly not sure how to deal with that kind of situation right now, I can avoid looking at them by staring at the ground but am not sure if that is the best method as eventually I will need to look up to drive, talk with people(I personally want to look people in the eye or at least at their face while talking to them), to see if I am on the right street, going into the right store etc... It's something I'll need to figure out I guess.

Things I'm grateful for: For now I'm grateful for the advice. I reread the post by Viffer, and saw how he is trying to get rid of negative self talk. I realized I had started doing that near the end of the day after all the efforts I put in the previous days felt like it was nullified. Then I reflected on it for an hour or so and that feeling passed. I need to focus less on the past. Sh*t happens. Just like this reboot you can't let the past keep dragging you back down. Pick yourself up. Stand tall. You are in this for the long haul, so realize the mistakes you made, figure out how to correctly deal with those situations and look to the future and make sure that they don't happen again.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 5:
Today was a solid day, so there is very little to write. Much of it was spent with family as my cousin from the east coast arrived. I also had little to no PMO urges to speak of which was a pleasant but expected since there was no time to think about that when watching over a super energetic and super cute 2 year old boy. I also had two phone interviews with different business owners furthering my education in the field.

The morning consisted of waking up, with a quick set of martial arts form practice, cold shower, and then taking the 2 phone interviews. Afterwards, we ended up chilling with my cousin and her husband and following a bite to eat and swimming. More baby watching till finally I arrive here. A very productive but also very low urge day which was nice.

Things I did well: I focused on being productive with business research and staying committed to phone interviews that I had committed to. Also being able to keep my thoughts away from any negative thoughts and having a very positive day was quite rewarding.

Things I need to improve on: I slept a lot. When the little ones napped so did I. Which meant I spent at least 4 hours of today sleeping. Not entirely sure why I was so tired, but I was.

Things I am grateful for: Time spent with family. Being able to catch up with my family members and wishing them well. During the evening tomorrow I will need to check on my grandfather as I just received word that he was not doing well for the past couple of days.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 6:

So last night was the first time I have ever had trouble sleeping. I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep but found my self restless as if my mind didn't want to slow down at all and kept thinking all these random thoughts. All the thoughts kept going back to the idea of watching porn. I knew that it was wrong so I just laid there and refused to succumb to those urges, however, they just did not relent. Eventually I stood up and paced around a bit before sitting on the ground and just started to meditate. One of the meditation methods I've learned in the past was to imagine your life as a flame. Everything that exists in your mind surrounds that flame and in order to truly be meditating you had to think of nothing. Thus you feed all of your thoughts into the flame. It's never easy as you need to focus on taking slow long breathes in and slow long breathes out all the while taking those images or thoughts in your  mind and feeding it to the fire. You have to really feel that the fire is burning up those thoughts and images in detail, how those pictures slowly turn burnt and black and eventually turn to ash and disappear within the flame. For the most part, it calmed me down a bit, but I was still a bit restless and so I put on some quiet slow calming instrumental music and laid back down in my bed. After maybe 20 minutes of lying there listening to the music I eventually started to feel drowsy and fell asleep, but good lord it took a lot of effort.

In the morning I had no major trouble but was late for a family gathering. Took a cold shower and drove over. Mailed a letter and went to the bank and after that spent the rest of the early afternoon with the family. In the late afternoon, had a meeting with a franchise consultant at a coffee shop and during the meeting ended up staring at a cute girl with nice legs for more than I should have. I berated myself and attempted to focus again on our meeting and it went rather well as the girl left. Got a lot of good information from him and we went back to the house and I spent the rest of my time there until I got back home and here I am.

Things I did well: I am especially proud of the fact that I can recognize when I am having the obvious urges and have enough self control to brush them aside. When it comes to keeping busy, I can focus on my life and the people important to me which is good.

Things I need to improve on: I still have trouble when walking around in public. My mind tends to wander too much still when I have visual stimulation, and it being summertime where I live, it's almost impossible to walk out in public and not see any beautiful women walking around. Thus I still need to find / develop a way for me to control the fantasies that pop up in my head when I see a pretty girl walking around.

Things I'm grateful for: I ended up getting to meet my 3 month old niece for the first time and she's adorable. I looked at the parents and saw just how much love and togetherness they had. How they each relied on one another and how they were so open and comfortable with each other, and I realized that that is what I want in my life. I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can overcome this addiction before I start on a real relationship with a girl that I want to be committed to.
 

tenjyou

Member
Man it's been a week. While I cannot say for certain whether or not anything has actually changed, but this is the longest I have not PMO'ed since I was like 12... The headaches aren't here anymore which is a plus. I will be traveling a lot for the next month so I'm not sure whether or not I will be posting at the same times but meh... I'll get it done...

Day 7:
I woke up this morning and finished packing for my trip. Again today was pretty uneventful. I packed and went to the airport. Flight got cancelled and I had to change to another flight. Saw a cute girl at the airport, but I was boarding and she was heading to a restaurant so no time to go and say hello. Arrived at my destination and got picked up by a friend. While we were driving, I was talking with my friend and somehow got onto facebook to show him some pictures of my cousin that I had just met. She's gorgeous and my friend wanted to see some pictures of her... I showed him a couple and then he reminded me that I shouldn't be on facebook and I was like oh crap... Need to remember to stay away from facebook. Got to the house and just chilled around here. Played a couple hours of Overwatch and then did some meditation. Gonna head to sleep after this.

Things I did right: I stayed calm and collected when they told me my flight was canceled and got them to get me an upgrade to business class for the next open flight.
Things I need to improve on: I did not even think that looking up family on facebook was bad, but realized that any pretty girl I need to stay away from. I gotta train my brain to realize that I should not be going on facebook at least for now.
Things I am grateful for: Having friends around the world. This is especially nice since I can bum rides off of them and crash at their place haha... I guess it's karma for me always having my door open for them and all the times they came over to my place to crash.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 8:

Today was an interesting day. Woke up, ended up playing some games with my friend whom i'm crashing with. Played really only for an hour or so. I then went onto reading more business stuff. Was supposed to have a phone meeting at 1pm but we didn't get the FDD's so there was nothing really to discuss. We ended up postponing the meeting till next week, and so my friend and I went out to grab dinner. Saw an incredibly hot girl at the place we were eating at, however, there were not fantasies going on in my brain, just the urge to stare at her lol... So at the beginning I went to the restaurant, and ordered 3 sandwiches and my friend ordered one. I wanted to try all the food there as I was told it was amazing. Then she walked in with her group and my friend and I both were practically in awe... I ended up ordering another 2 sandwiches and a salad (yes I would have ordered them anyways even if the girl didn't show up) Owner wanted to take a picture of all the food I was eating haha. It was fun. Afterwards we left and headed home. I actually started having MO urges but there was no fantasy involved with the girl just urges... held those urges off and then went on to help friend farm a bit of gold, game wise and afterwards just did some more reading and meditation.... It feels odd how when there is not much going on... or that I don't really feel the need to write down every last detail... before it felt relevant to write everything I was going through, but in the past few days I haven't really felt the need to write as really not too much has been going on... I'll try to just keep away and keep my eyes on the ground for the next week. and see where things go from there...

Things I did well: I staved off urges for MO... It wasn't even really urges to go watch porn, but just thinking about that girls short shorts and legs made me want to MO. I didn't thankfully but I was honestly not thinking of an fantasy other that re imagining what she looked like at the restaurant

Things I need to work on: I feel like looking at real girls whom I think is cute is a detriment to me. I will have to be more conscientious and stare more at the ground to avoid looking or seeing hot girls.

Things I'm grateful for: Having enough saved up to not worry about money for a bit. Having money so that I can go out and eat.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 9:

So today was another kind of regular day. Being away from home on a trip though does make it a lot harder to keep to your schedule... especially when missing equipment that you need or even just finding the right groove / motivation to get things done. Woke up but did not practice martial arts. I ended up getting my hair cut since I would be attending a wedding later in the evening. After getting home, read a few chapters of the book "The Slight Edge" and took a friend out to lunch. Came back and got dressed for the wedding. Ended up meeting a girl I had a small crush on back in college. She is still the same bubbly and happy person, still very cute, but happily married. When I heard I was genuinely happy for her and glad that she had found someone with whom she could rely on. It sounded like things were going in the right direction for her as she was happy, having just started a job in the field she wants to work in. Only after reminicing later in the evening did I feel a little sad that I never attempted to go after a nice girl like her, but then again I was never really around as we were in very different circles plus I was extremely shy at the time. But another story for another time. After the ceremony ended and people were lining up for the wedding reception, I had to catch a flight and was unable to stay.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 10

Going to be a short entry. Been traveling from airport to airport the entire day. No time and too tired to even really think of PMO so nothing to report here.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 11:

I finally got to meet my 3 week old nephew! Freakin adorable. He will be a heart breaker for sure in the future haha. Anyways. Woke up and did a quick workout. Afterwards I went up and met my aunt in law? She's a nice lady and it is obvious that she cares a lot for her grandson and daughter. Before lunch we dropped my sister off at the airport and went to a liquor store to eat lunch. Afterwards went back home and relaxed for the entire day... well relaxed as in took care of the baby haha. Overall it was a great day. Sunny, blue skies, no clouds, fresh air... very refreshing day.

 

tenjyou

Member
Day 12:

Today was a very tame day. It was more driving than anything. The hard part was stopping myself from randomly fantasizing about situations. I have been pretty good about it but I still wonder whether ir not its normal to just start fantasizing about girls. It also didnt help that I had to share a room with my dad and he was watching these forensic shows involving sexual situations =/.  Had to sleep and put on headphones... Traveling with parents can be tough. I need to be stronger.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day13:

So going out is a lot harder than I thought. Went to a beach and had difficulty keeping my eyes on the ground. Same with tourist areas...

So today I went out with parents on a trip to the great lakes. In the morning we strolled along the beach. It was pretty empty but now and then there were a couple of girls my type that wpuld walk by and I would end up doing a double take. Realized and stopped myself from staring and drove to niagara falls and ended up staring all over at so many different girls. I am going to have to start kicking myself each time I look up from the ground otherwise I don't think I'll be able to stop this unconscious habit I've developed.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 14ish...

Damn lol first time I drank alcohol in 12 years. Forgot I'm a super light weight and passed out before I had a chance to write in here.

Recap of yesterday. Went to niagara falls yesterday. Went on all of the attractions. Again I could not control my eyes and stared at all the legs... Been kicking my self every time but not sure what to do about it. Went back to the hotel and parents wanted to drink some wine. I went with them and after a cup got too tired and passed out.

Ugh lol never liked drinking all that much because of how little it takes before I knock out, and how little control I have over my body because of it.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 15:

Just a note... Traveling without a laptop makes writing logs tedious.

So parents fight... I get that. Mine have argued since before I can remember. But on vacation and in front of a crowd to curse at one another can suck sometimes. I'm sure this is not how you are supposed to do things, but I find looking at pretty girls made my mood much better. I found myself smiling just at the sight of them while not even thinking of anything sexual. They just literally brightened my day. After that I was able to focus on the good aspects of the surroundings and slowly but surely my mood got to them and they stopped fighting.

While I well will probably go back to avoiding looking at girls since it seemed detrimental for my recovery, I just wanted to send that shout out to the pretty girls who brightened my day today. Thanks!

 

tenjyou

Member
Day16

Some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Today was one of those days. Woke up irritable with a slight throbbing headache. Went to the hotel lobby for breakfast and was surrounded by high school and college kids and their families here for baseball games and lacrosse games. Made it difficult to look anywhere as I would bump into lot of nice looking girls while trying to grab food, then getting to a place to sit down, but my headache went away at least when I was down there. After we finished, we went back to our room, packed our stuff and drove to the chocolate factory.

Honestly it felt like I was at Disneyland. So many families, so many groups of people and every now and then a real looker would walk by. It's been 16 days and I can already see that my taste in women is much more broad than before. I am starting to appreciate girls I would not have before due to influence of P.

Still trying hard not to stare but when I have to navigate and guide my parents around I can't seem to keep my eyes from ending... I catch myself time and time again sometime even before I start but it's like a subconscious habit and it's really hard to control that habitual.

***Possible mild erotic descriptiveness below. Just warning ya in advance****

Anyways... I've been 16 days so far and have not thankfully hadPMOed but I don't really feel like any strong emotions in this regard. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. Like I like looking at hot girls, but I don't feel any real reaction to it. It's more just like a habit. "Oh she looks hot. *stares for a couple of seconds**" and that's it. Like I'm starting to wonder wtf is going on. Before I would be like Dayam! She is hot, and start fantasizing about the things I would do to her." But it's like that excitement is gone... And I'm just looking because it's a habit. I am now thinking... Wow she has nice legs, or I like that how those short shorts show off her legs and hugs her asa etc... But I don't feel anything from it. Its It's just that rhought. I feel like that thought is keeping me from fully getting on the path to recovery though and and unsure really how to proceed...

Tldr
Wike up on the wrong side if of the be Grouchy most of the day but realized it and tried to not let it affect the people around me.

Also need help in removing bad habits.
 

tenjyou

Member
Day 17:

So I've never really gone this long without PMO. And although I did start fantasizing about a P scenario, I managed to stop myself before actually going to look at P. Also did not M so glad for that, but I was surprised at how randomly that fantasy just popped into my head. I was walking around playing pokemon go and checking out some tourist sites and it just jumped out and popped in my head.

Getting a bit afraid of those random pop ups. If I hit a craving and suddenly those fantasies pop up will i still have the mental fortitude to realize it and keep myself from PMO?

As of now I'm doing well thankfully. But time will tell.
 

Rockit

Active Member
Really digging your style. I hope you keep posting.

Heads up -- ad blockers are available for both laptops and smart phones too. I didn't think they were necessary before, but I am learning where more of my triggers are coming from: Facebook, and ads.

I take both away, I have a better shot of beating these demons.

Keep putting in work. I hope you're doing well today! I'm about to get some sleep, but I'll read this entire topic tomorrow. I have this feeling you're going to best this, and I'd like to know the whole story so I can appreciate it st the end. :)
 
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