Relapsed in a strange, shameful way

Everything was fine. 140+ days streak.
I live with my gf so I don't feel lonely often.

It happened once. I was without her for a weekend and I relapsed. And now I have a hard time having more than 3-4 days streaks.
I look at images when she's at school. That sucks...

I did worse: I started talking to girls on an app thats purpose is to sell clothes between users... and... got some nudes from two of them... The shameful part is: for one of the two, I paid. God...
After 3 years of relationship I started doubting my attractiveness. I basically didn't exist to girls anymore except from my girlfriend. It felt bad. I felt lonely more often in the last 2 weeks than in the previous 6 months.

I started doubting myself and wondering if girl thought I am attractive. I still don't know. I just wanted to feel attracting to girls and receive nudes like I used to when I was younger and single..

Recently I've spent far too much time, hidden, browsing this app. I just deleted my account after trying for hours to get unbanned (yeah, I got banned and it was deserved, this is not a dating app, what a perv am I..)

I feel... strange? Not shitty but strange. I also did this to avoid a difficult situation I'm in professionally. I'm late on a project and the next one starts in a week... I should spend all my time working, I spend it on sexy pictures instead, I feel like giving up, I'll never be on time and this will have shitty consequences: I'll have to work all weekends..

What the fuck was I thinking... I deserve much better than this. My girlfriend also do. Of course I am attractive! No need to ask strangers for nudes on apps that arent meant to this at all! I deleted everything, the pictures, the account.


Gosh writing it feels good... I'm not the loser I've been in the last few days!


Much love to all my struggling brothers here. You guys are the best. You're on the right track. Keep going

I love how mid-way through your message you picked yourself back up by the collar and you are moving forward full steam ahead! That was encouraging! I hate being bound in chains by porn addiction. I?ve had enough of it controlling me and my relationship with my wife.

Congrats on 140+ days.  It means you're serious and you have many tools in the toolbox.

I often say on these boards that as we figure out our triggers one by one, we get stronger.  But, the biggest ones, the "final boss" that lies at the end and is the toughest, that you need all your strength for, are the emotional ones.  I don't know what lies at the end of it for you, but the way you write tells me you are very close to figuring it out.  You get anxious when your girlfriend isn't around, so maybe you have attachment anxieties? 

The app is interesting to me.  There are quicker and easier ways to get nudes online, and probably of higher "quality" by porn standards.  What is it about the app?  Is it the gaining of trust?  Of developing a "relationship" with these people?  Do you have a reward/dopamine thing with that sort of connection?  I had a similar thing with dating sites, though your case might be a bit more complex.

I really found this guy to be helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM_z9SzOxXo  I tried finding a specific video of his, but for the life of me I can't figure out which one without watching all of them.  He describes anxious attachment in a really good story about how a girlfriend decides to stay in and do her laundry, and the boyfriend freaks out about being alone.  Desperate for an excuse to see her, he digs through and finds one of her pieces of clothing at his place, calls and says "hey, since you're doing laundry I can bring this to you... " she says yes, he drives it over, she thanks him and gives him a hug, and he gets a big warm feeling that he didn't have to separate from her for one weeknight. 

You beating yourself up for not working on work projects catches my eye, too.  We can't just keep ourselves busy non stop to stay away from porn.  We need down time, zone out time, relaxation, and we need healthy ways of doing it.  If we have NO ways of doing it, that is when porn can move in more easily.

At risk of bludgeoning you with youtube videos, it made me think of one that showed up in my feed this morning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2wPs4Bd6mg  Maybe I'm off the mark, but I'll let you decide.

8 months later I relapsed in the same way. Same app, same shameful story.
I just installed "Blocksite app" on my phone to block the website and also all other porn websites.

@DoneAtLast : thank you for all this stuff! I realize I have very few triggers remaining and they are: fucking up with my sleep patterns (going to bed later, waking up later and in a dizzy state) and feeling bad because of lack of contact and intimacy with girls.
I still have this insecurity. I lack emotional connection with girl friends I guess...