To err is human

I am so grateful for the community I've found here and at yourbrainrebalanced.com.  Even when I've failed in the past (and that has been largely my experience so far) I can come here and realize I'm not alone.  I stopped trying to reboot for a long time.  My longest streak was 23 days about two years ago.  Since then I've managed 3 or 4 days at a time here and there, but largely allowed myself to fall back into the same patterns.  And as you might expect, I have experienced the debilitating and humiliating experience of a PMO life.  Low energy, depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, zero romantic interests, PIED, and so much more.  I am 38 now and realize it's now or never.  I can't let this addiction be who I am for the rest of my life.  I still have life to live, I still have goals to accomplish.  I know that I am fraught with issues and they will need to be sorted out, but I can't keep pretending that PMO isn't a problem, that I have it under control.  I'm not proud of the man I've become.  I'm not living up to my fullest potential. 

I'm on Day 5 of this reboot and am hoping for the best.  The first few days were not without challenges.  But my resolve remains. Stay strong everyone!
 
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Numez

Guest
good spirit. go for it, you are not alone in challenges and success either  8) thanks man
 
Thanks Numez. I appreciate the support. Let's defeat this thing!  At day's end I'll have a week under my belt. Wishing you a victory today and every day going forward.
 
It felt great waking up today to a week clean from PMO.  This is my longest streak in quite some time.  I am cautioning myself not to get into a habit of counting days, however.  While doing so gives you a nice benchmark to work from, I have found that in the past watching the counter can be counterproductive.  Then it can become more about numbers and less about a total lifestyle change.  My approach this time around is to go and do things, substitute PMO addiction with more productive activities.  I am just beginning that process so obviously that will take some time.  I've been taking stock of the things that made me fail in previous attempts and actively trying to avoid them this time.  My main triggers are:

1) Being alone at home - which encompasses boredom, loneliness, fatigue, etc. 
2) Social media, especially Facebook.
3) Letting my mind wander into sexual fantasy from something or someone that I see, then replaying it until I break down
4) "Harmless" MO which ultimately leads to PMO

I'm trying to take steps on each of these points.  I am a musician and writer so for me this will mean filling up as much time as I can at home with my craft, learning new things and creating new pieces.  This also means almost forcing social interaction.  I'm a fairly social person as it is, but often will choose to stay in and do nothing.  This behavior has gotten worse over the last few years as I've started to drink less alcohol (those hangovers start to feel worse and worse every year!).  Learning how to be social while nursing a drink or two is something I'm trying to do. 

I was thinking last night about how I've spent 20 years using PMO to cope with every kind of negative thing that life throws at me.  That can't be undone overnight.  It will require time to learn new ways of dealing with problems - not the quick, useless, short-term PMO way.  Onwards and upwards gents!
 
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Numez

Guest
i think its good that you realize that MO may not cause the problem but it causes struggle and usually relapse if the problem is already created (porn addiction).

good luck, stay free!

 
Thanks Numez!  Today I actually had to take my own advice to heart.  It's funny how this PMO ride can get really difficult really fast.  Hours after writing my last post I found myself indulging in some mental fantasy about some previous sexual experience.  Next thing I know I'm M'ing.  FORTUNATELY, I caught myself and stopped and continued on my day.  Now, some would argue (and they may have a point) that I did nothing wrong.  I wasn't imagining porn imagery and I didn't relapse or anything, but I know myself enough to know that in the past once I've given myself the OK to MO, I'm usually PMO'ing within a day or two after.  I think it's because of the chaser effect, and also because MO'ing kind of feels like a failure even though it technically isn't.  But I didn't relapse; I had the mental fortitude to stop before it went further.  And I really did struggle with some guilt afterwards.  How could I be so triumphant at 11AM and have my hand down my pants by 2PM?!  This addiction is REAL.  I have to be on my guard at all times.  Eight days means nothing for the addicted brain.  So with that I begin winding down my day with the knowledge that I've won the battle today, but not the war.  Stay strong!
 
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Numez

Guest
many people in your shoes just go with MO as they heard it is not the MO part that is bad... they are like heroin addicts trying to quit heroin but chilling in the drug house with old friends. "drug house full of junkies is not the cause of the heroin addiction, its the fucking heroin effect on the brain!" funny part: they are right and they struggle with their addictions forever.

it is important to see this for yourself as you did, in other words to see if it is true for you. watch out if you go crazy after MO, if you cant control it. you just must MO. after few times you probably end up craving something more than MO which is PMO. if any of this happens and you still defend your MO habit... well... figure out for yourself.

this was true for you and you got yourself out of this so this post is for some fella who accidentally read it and find it helpful.

stay strong and free!
 
Thanks again for the support Numez.  And for me, what you said is correct - that MO would ultimately lead to PMO for me, at least in this stage of my recovery.  I think the fact that I was able to stop myself is proof that my resolve is strengthening.  The incident must have been in my subconscious mind, but I had a vivid dream last night that I relapsed into full PMO.  I woke up so disappointed in myself.  It took me a few minutes of being awake to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong and it was such a relief!  I've read in other people's accounts of how they also had dreams of relapsing.  It's tricky how the mind works sometimes.  In my case it helped me.  By giving me the guilt of relapsing without actually doing so, the dream served as a stark reminder of what is at stake for me.  I have even more determination now.  Day Nine is going to be a victorious one :)  Cheers!
 

IWantToLive

Active Member
You can do it my friend. Our mind is dangerous in that it tries to pull us towards old habits, such as addictions. The key to winning is to replace the old habits with new healthier habits such as reading a good book, taking a walk in the park, or talking with your loved ones. Stay strong and happy holidays!
 
Thanks IWantToLive, I really appreciate the support.  I couldn't agree with you more.  If all you're doing is taking away PMO and leaving a void there, you're just setting yourself up for failure.  Fortunately there are so many opportunities if you just only take the time and look.  I've been reading more which is great.  My intention is to start going to the gym more regularly as well.  I used to have a great routine but let it slip for various reasons over the last couple of years.  Last night I stumbled on some old porn I had forgotten was on my computer.  I hastily deleted all of it (without the slightest peak) so that was nice, but it felt weird being that close to those clips but not looking.  They just didn't interest me.  Deleting was rather cathartic.  My resolve is staying strong thankfully though I'm constantly on guard because I really want to get PMO out of my life for good and find a real, loving relationship.  As I write this I'm finishing Day 10 which feels really nice.  I had a little rage this morning that kind of came out of nowhere but I think my mind is all over the place.  Anyway, thanks for the encouragement and I wish you great success as well!  Let's be done with this crap!
 

tostadora

Active Member
balfour,

I wish you the best. As one of your triggers is boredom, I suggest you go and buy a jigsaw puzzle. That was really helpful for me as a healthy outlet in moments of boredom. That things can suck your attention and can really control your mind without exploiting it.

Take care.
 
Thanks Tostadora, good suggestion.  I've been doing some adult coloring.  It was suggested online for anxiety reduction and I've found it works great for that purpose.  Even if it's just for a little bit it gives me something to focus on and you create a minor piece of art in the process.  Boredom is an enemy of a reboot, that's for sure.  Today I was so exhausted after work that I was not tempted in the slightest.  Also I think I may have already flatlined, at least partially (is that possible?).  At any rate, I don't feel like a horn-dog but I'm actually just great with that.  It makes my determination a little stronger.  It's been 11 days.  I feel really great so far.  No superpowers, but I'm not in it for the superpowers.  I'm in it to reclaim my life, to find a relationship with something other than my computer screen, to prove to myself that with willpower I can move the mountains in my life.  Onwards and upwards!
 
Hi balfour
Congratulation for 10 days. Keep going man. You are passing the hardest parts and you are doing it well. I wish you the best.
 
Thank you Passing River.  I appreciate the support this forum brings. So far I'm staying very committed and seem to have hit a flatline which is a breeze :).  I'm almost at the two week mark so I'm staying vigilant. Hope your recovery is going well!
 
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Numez

Guest
yes balfour, if you learned not to depend on O and sex to feel happy, then flatline is a breeze  8) you are doing awesome job

many people feel like shit if they dont fuck some bitches for some time. we are forced to learn that life can be joyful without sex and libido and its a blessing to be forced to learn something that makes you more happy in the moment.
 
Yes that is true Numez.  It just seems that the most successful rebooters abstained from O and MO as long as possible. Each day makes it easier. Today I was tempted a bit by mental fantasy and a couple of triggers on Facebook. But I stayed self aware in those moments and they passed. I did some push-ups during one of the times and I had forgotten all about the trigger afterwards. I am very excited to be at the two-week mark today. This isn't about short term goals, but it's nice to have my longest streak in 3 years again. Stay strong and find strength.
 
So today marks 15 days clean (my counter is slightly behind).  I am proud of that number because it's my longest streak in ages, but also because this time around I'm so much smarter than I was when I started this process 3 years ago.  I am by no means perfect and this is not bragging because i know full well that this addiction is complex and can sneak up on you at any time.  What I'm most proud of is recognizing triggers.  When I started this whole thing, I allowed myself to believe certain lies (i.e. it's just fantasy; it can't hurt me, it's not porn so I can sneak some looks at Facebook photos that turn me on, I'll just MO, not PMO - I'm strong enough to handle it, etc.).  Inevitably, I relapsed over and over again.  In a way, I built in failure right from the start by giving my addicted brain the permission to fail.  This time I'm calling bullshit on my addicted brain.  All the lies it tries to throw at me don't affect me as much anymore because I know what caving in to those temptations brings - failure, despair, loneliness.  Another thing I have always done - dwelling in the past.  I allow myself to feel frustrated because of past failures.  But that is a fruitless enterprise.  The past is gone.  I have to live for the future.  I don't have to believe that I am a PMO addict always on the brink of failure.  I am a successful man capable of being more than his addictions.  I hope everyone kicks ass this year. 
 
Day 16 - I have been successfully fighting off any urges thankfully.  I think I'm in a flatline so that does help with resisting urges.  Since I struggled with PIED and death grip, the physical recovery may take some time.  I have been getting some odd sensations down there - little...zaps is the best why I can describe them.  Also, playing with my junk (which used to be an absent-minded tick of mine after years of PMO) now does very little.  I guess that's good in that I'm not tempted to MO.  I certainly did spend years abusing my junk.  Any recovery would be welcome at this point.  I am having zero urges to PMO.  I still get flashes of mental fantasy - but always about real-life guys or situations.  No porn flashbacks.  I've always had a healthy imagination about real-life guys anyways - but the trick here is keeping that to a bare minimum.  I know very well how it can quickly escalate to full on PMO.  My guard is staying up.  Wishing strength to all those struggling.  Keep up the good fight, gents.
 
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TheNewMe

Guest
Hi balfour!

17 days is great progress. Congrats! Knowing your triggers and actively avoiding them is so important and it's so awesome to hear you're on top of that. Fantasies or porn images in your mind can be difficult to avoid but there are techniques you can use to control them.

Anyway, just wanted to stop by and tell you you're awesome and doing great. Keep it up, brother!
 
Thanks TheNewMe!  I really appreciate the encouragement.  I hope you are also doing well.  I read your post about rebooting and have also read the post at YBR which you referenced.  Some very good points were made there.  Your perspective on it is great.  I hesitated about having a counter myself but for me it's just a metric to remind me of what I'm doing.  I know this is change for the rest of my life, not just for a certain amount of days.  I'm on Day 18 now and quite frankly I'm not really feeling any urge to MO at all and especially PMO.  I must have completely flatlined because I came across (and quickly deleted) and inappropriate pic on my phone and it gave me nothing - no urge, no fantasy, nothing.  Quite strange really.  I'm so used to be in hyper sexual mode.  Anyway, thanks again for stopping by and let's defeat this thing!!
 
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