This Addiction Is Keeping Me From Enjoying Life

Hello everyone, here's a bit about myself
- 27 year old gay dude
- started masturbating at 8
- started using porn to j/o at 13
- I have only orgasm while penetrating twice!

This problem has not allowed me to have a healthy sex life and it has caused depression for years. I'm very blessed in life with friends and family that care for me and love me. It makes me very sad that this sexual frustration completely overtakes my emotional life to the point that I can't even appreciate how massively lucky I am.

I have been in many situations where I am with some very attractive men and I end up not being able to get an erection. It is extremely humiliating and depressing. I have been lucky that they have been kind and respectful but damn the ride home is absolute MISERY. This has been going on throughout my adult life. I have even tried VIAGRA, but it doesn't work either, it only worked once, out of the 12 times that I've tried it.

I feel like a good sex life is all I need to be completely happy person, but sometimes I feel like it is never going to happen for me. I hate that I allow myself to be controlled by such an carnal desire but I just can't help it.

But I have to overcome this, I refuse to live my life feeling like this, I'm in a very dark place but I have to get myself out of here .
I have to do it for me and those that love me.

Hey man, sucks that you're going through all of that. However, I'm glad you've found this forum. Many guys absolutely believe that staying away from all artificial stimulation for 90 days is helpful. It's called the Hard Mode reboot. Some guys obviously take longer depending on how long they've been addicted and what was the frequency and intensity and various stuff like that. While there is no fixed period, 90 days would be a good start.

I'm 24 and I'm gay too so I can relate how difficult it is and how much extra burden this poses on gay men. But the key is to abstain from all sorts of stimulation for at least a period of 90 days, to begin with. I think if you read more journals here you will find many supportive people who are going through the similar things as you are and have very similar stories. Reading other journals here and trying to post in your own one regularly can honestly be very helpful. Reflecting on your thoughts and emotions helps to process and work your way through this.

Good luck on your journey man.

Me alegra saber que no soy el ?nico que esta pasando por lo mismo, aunque aclaro que no soy gay, pero mi problema es igual, ahora en ?poca del virus, me arriesgue a contratar una prostituta que esta muy bonita y buena, pero mi fusil no respondi?, yo tem?a que volviera a suceder, pero tenia que comprobar si la primera vez fue por nervios, pero ahora me queda claro que es un tema psicol?gico. La prueba de que la pornograf?a influyo a que me sucediera esto con tan solo 22 a?os de edad, es que cuando veo este tipo de v?deos, inmediatamente se pone erecto, como carpa de circo... solo cuando voy a estar con una chica real es cuando no funciona.
Estaba por echarle la culpa a Dios, de pronto no quer?a que pecara, pero quiz?s ?l me trajo hasta este foro de otro idioma, para decirme que es un problema de muchos j?venes y que se debe a malos h?bitos.
espero que puedas dejar esa adicci?n de mierda, tratare de dejarla tambi?n.

@anonfromfinance

Thank you for your words! I have known about PIED for about 3 years now and I have tried multiple times to stop, but I keep relapsing. Theres so many reasons why, but at the end of the day I know that I have to do it. I will start with the 90 days, and I know it's gonna be hell, but I'm preparing for it. I think what I'm most scared of is the depressive episodes I'm gonna have, it's inevitable cause I'm always thinking about sex, so I know my brain is gonna have a reaction to that! I'm glad another gay man reached out, it's such a horrible feeling to not be able to perform, IDK if you had similar experiences. I will continue to update this journal so far DAY 2 is done, longest HARD MODE streaks have been 14 days, but I know I can do it! thanks again for your encouraging words

@difernapo

yo tambien pense que Eran nervios por mucho tiempo, hasta que el doctor me dio VIAGRA I tampoco pude hacer nada, estaba flacido. a mi tambien se me para facilmente con porno, y con una persona real NADA. Es muy triste que toda mi edades de Los 20s e sufrido con esto, es horrible, humillante y deprimente, pero hay muchos testimonios aqui que me da esperansas. Buena suerte amigo, si se puede

Hey man, no worries. I found out about this addiction and PIED in 2016. I never had any shameful experience back then but I decided to quit anyway. I think it's slightly more difficult when you're gay. The highest I went without PMO was 45 days in 2016. Kinda gave up later that year after trying to stay off of PMO some more. Cut to earlier this year, I had a very shameful experience in January which was a stark and bitter reminder of why I have to quit porn for good. I've had one 40 days and one 20 days streak since then and a few small ones but I know I'm in it for good this time. Just keep reminding yourself of why you want to do it, that'll help. Knowing a list of strong, powerful reasons for why you want to quit porn can often overcome the urges that you will get. Don't worry about the depressive episodes just yet, you'll learn how to tackle them once you get to it.

Hi!!

I feel fully identified with their stories. I have not been able to overcome it since 2017, but the important thing is to keep trying.
Together it will be easier to overcome this. Any questions I am at your service.

Let's go!

difernapo tambi?n hablo espa?ol, si precisas alg?n consejo en ese idioma con todo gusto te puedo ayudar, un abrazo!

Hello everyone, I just wanted to update this journal on my experience so far. Right now I'm in day 15 of no PMO, this marks my longest streak ever without masturbation. I have been able to go without porn for a month in the past, but I was masturbating. So here's what I've experienced so far

- I have morning wood sometimes, id say about 70. Before I rarely got em.
- I have a very hard time keeping sexual thoughts out of my mind, porn memories keep coming back
- if I see an attractive dude I get aroused quickly and get semi hard
- I have touched myself a few times, but I haven't orgasm
- some days are bad, I get super frustrated and emotional, other are ok.
- a social media comedian I'm following announced that he got his own explicit website, and I'm not even kidding when I say I got SO TURNED ON just thinking about, i almost relapsed[/font]!

I have two good friends who I told about my condition. They were very kind and offered to help me through this journey. We got a bit sensual with each other and I performed oral sex onto them, but I didn't get stimulated or came ( lots of precum though). I hear thats a good way to rewire your brain and I wanted to give it a try. But to be honest I'm just scared that one of these days I'm gonna want to go all the way and completely fuck up my hard mode reboot.

that's all I can think of at the moment.

HERES SOME ADVICE: it's not such a bad idea to confide in someone and tell them about your issue. I told my dad, brother, and close friend. They were very understanding, and if they see me having a bad day, they will know why. I felt like I got a weight off my shoulders telling them. Most of my adult life so far I have been mean and a bit of an asshole with my family, and I honestly think it's due to my sexual frustration. It's horrible because I know im a kind joyful person, but this problem has TRULY been overwhelming for me.

TBH I'm scared of fucking up but I HAVE TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


if you guys have any questions let me know  

Fair play for confiding in folk you know.

I'd be too scared to do it, personally.

Congrats on reaching 15 days. Maybe set a target for yourself to do Nofap, and then get back into the sensual activities? Allow your body to really heal.

Have you considered finding some foods or supplements to help lower your libido for a period of time?

SO IM ON DAY 23 OF NO PMO! 

Im confused about something though. On Day 21 I had sex. I was able to get hard enough to penetrate and I was able to come while having sex. That's the 3rd time that I've been able to do that, mind you, I did take a VIAGRA so I'm sure that also helped. In the past I've taken double the VIAGRA dosage and I wasn't successful so I like to believe that's progress. It took a couple of tries, and I'm very lucky to have a friend that's patient enough to work with me. I'll try not to get too detailed I just want to make sure you guys understand what happened and maybe some of you might relate. So we would cuddle and kiss and I would get erected, about 80%. Then, whenever we would try to penetrate it would go down. I tried different positions and eventually I was able to have regular sex. I would say that during the act I was about 60% but that really was enough, and the O was pretty intense. I know I'm far from healed, but I'm feeling good so far.

Aside from the events of day 21 lol everything else is getting a bit easier. I actually haven't been feeling that sexually frustrated, after day 14 or 15 I would say is when it got a bit easier. I have been working out and dieting so I'm putting alot of my attention on that, I really recommend you guys do that, It REALLY HELPS!

So do you guys think that I should still consider it day 23 even though I had sex? I haven't masturbated or watched porn AT ALL. Do you think it'll have any negative effect on my progress?

Another funny detail, when I get boners now, they feel a little bit more firm, but from the insdie . like the two muscle that get your penis hard, feel firm. but the head and the outside feel squishy, if that makes sense? It's weird because in the past when I would get a good boner it would actually be the whole penis, not just the two muscles inside. I just wonder if someone has had a similar experience with that 

DAY 34

So far I've had sex 4 times and one blowjob. I have not masturbated to orgasm, but I do have a very difficult time keeping my hands off my junk. Whenever I get boners now they feel so firm, it's pretty freaking awesom, I'd say 85%. The times that I've had sex it's been with VIAGRA so I know I need to stop that. I actually have been meaning to go hard mode but it's intimidating. I do agree that it speeds up the process because my first 21 days were hard mode, and that's when I noticed significant improvement, but I've just been super horny tbh. Then there's days that I have no libido, but I guess that's normal, we don't always feel like having sex. These past few days I've been craving porn, which let's me know that aside from PIED I truly do have an addiction. Ive learned to recognize my triggers, I'm adding YOUTUBE to the list, there's and bunch of hot dudes flexing their muscles in there and that just makes me feel all kinds of negative ways.

Several times I go on Grindr ( that's a gay dating app for those that don't know) to see if I can get some action, but I realize that I'm not healed and I would just set myself up for some humiliating experience. I recently deleted the app from my phone, it actually helps.

I have a feeling some tough days are coming ahead.

DAY 41

No PMO
Have Had 5 orgasms with partners

Been on flat line for a few days already. This shit fucking sucks. I just want to be in bed all day, I don't want to talk to anyone. Dick's been dead, tried to have sex the other day, with viagra, it didn't work. I kind of feel like I'm back to zero, but I've read enough stories on here to know this is part of the process, I just hope it doesn't last too long

DAY 43

Still in Flatline, had a random erection this morning, first one in days! It has been getting MUCH easier to avoid sexual thoughts, and when I do get them im able to block those thoughts easily. Aside from that, nothing much to say.

sticking to the journey

I haven't been doing well. I've been masturbating this whole past week, and today I was looking up porn. So that's definitely a relapse. I'm guess I'm starting from zero again. This is so difficult

hello guys

so I relapse and went on a binge PMO for several days. I felt so nasty and unsatisfied. I realized how amazing I felt when I was being a disciplined person. I felt clean. not to mention the benefits

along with the porn binges I also went on a food binge, it was pretty bad, I gained like 10 LBS in 2 weeks

Right now I'm rebooting again, I'm on day 3. I'm feeling optimistic again. This time I really want to do a hard reboot, at the very least for a month

Ive learned that I have to keep absolute control of my body, The moment I let my guard down I become this animal that acts out of pure instinct, and unfortunately for me it leads me to shit loads of masturbation and food

I really don't think I can beat this, it's too much

Hey man, I know how you're feeling. From your previous posts it seems you've had some good streaks and even seen some benefits. That alone is big. Keep up with the hard reboot, every time you fight a craving you're a step closer.

-PIEDPiper

so I went on a 10 day streak with hard reboot, early in the night I heard my neighbors having sex, got aroused, touched myself in places that I shouldn't and ejaculated. so I guess back to zero there. I've been craving porn lately, I catch myself browsing through YouTube for videos of good looking guys doing random sexy crap, Ill probably have to get rid of YouTube, I've gotten rid of most social media actually. I haven't watched porn in a few weeks. I don't even keep track anymore, I just know that I don't want that to be part of my life.

I just feel so hopeless lately, and it really makes me sad to know a bunch of other guys are going through this hell. This is horrible, I have moments where I absolutely HATE myself, I've even turned to self harm, which is something that I didn't even do as a teen, and I'm doing that shit now as a grown ass man.

I'm a person that keeps trying and never gives up. But I'm scared that this is something that im gonna have to struggle with my whole life. I think that I fucked myself over BAD on this one. Sorry to be so pessimistic, I'm sure alot of you can do so much better. But I can't really tell anyone else what I'm really going through, so I'm glad I can do it on here.

Hey bro,

Stay calm, cool, and collected. YOU CANNOT LOSE HOPE!

I have never wanted to commit self harm, so I don't fully understand your situation, but I can tell you this. You are in a very solid spot. You understand your predicament and how to work with it.

Eliminate youtube and set up internet blockers, thats what I did. Get an accountability partner to have daily checks in with. I know this might sound redundant BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

Stay strong and say this line over and over to yourself: I am a strong man, I am not a porn addict, I simply need to quit porn. Trust me. Saying this over and over builds up this notion in your brain that you aren't even dependent on porn. I am also in the early stages of my journey but I can tell that this reboot cycle is going to be phenomenal for me, and now you.

Develop some habits to do in your free time. For me, I took up reading and playing the guitar, along with reading this forum and helping the community. Focus on yourself and your goals. Again, I may sound like a broken record, but if you just focus on your purpose you will succeed.

I have faith in you and if you notice your depression becoming any worse, feel free to message me or consider getting a therapist. I will try to help out as much as I can though.

anubu0 said:

Hey bro,

Stay calm, cool, and collected. YOU CANNOT LOSE HOPE!

I have never wanted to commit self harm, so I don't fully understand your situation, but I can tell you this. You are in a very solid spot. You understand your predicament and how to work with it.

Eliminate youtube and set up internet blockers, thats what I did. Get an accountability partner to have daily checks in with. I know this might sound redundant BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

Stay strong and say this line over and over to yourself: I am a strong man, I am not a porn addict, I simply need to quit porn. Trust me. Saying this over and over builds up this notion in your brain that you aren't even dependent on porn. I am also in the early stages of my journey but I can tell that this reboot cycle is going to be phenomenal for me, and now you.

Develop some habits to do in your free time. For me, I took up reading and playing the guitar, along with reading this forum and helping the community. Focus on yourself and your goals. Again, I may sound like a broken record, but if you just focus on your purpose you will succeed.

I have faith in you and if you notice your depression becoming any worse, feel free to message me or consider getting a therapist. I will try to help out as much as I can though.

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hey Kayden thank you for your kind words. I read your journal, good luck on your journey. There's days when I feel like I can do ANYTHING, but sexual frustration gets the better of me. I'm not sure what has been happening lately. My guess is that it's all too much for me to handle. I'm working on the reboot, and weightloss simultaneoulsy. My brain is just screaming! I know what it takes, I know all the mental suffering that is coming. It's going to get much worse before it gets better. but that's just how it is, no easy way around it

The self harm comes from very low self-esteem i think. I don't know why I started doing it, its only when I'm feeling super down. I don't think I have depression honestly, at least that's what i think. I usually don't have any issues getting up in the morning, I'm very ambitious. I have my own business and I'm planning to start a second business with my brother. I dont think a depressed person can do all that. It's just that sometimes I really hate myself and what I have done to both my body(im obese, but have lost a lot of weight recently) and mind. I feel like I tend to have just enough control of my emotions to not fall into a severe depression, it's just those little moments that fuck me up.

Hey man. I think we all know how important it is to have a strong WHY and to always remember that WHY. It's also helps to always keep in mind what pmo can do to our lives and obviously we don't want that. May I suggest reading? That's something that's really helped whenever I get urges and sexually frustrated. Whenever I have the urge, I immediately open in my phone a copy of Gary Wilson's book and instantly, I am reminded of my WHY and that stops the urges.

I also relate with the YouTube thingy. It's so hard being a gay person when all these sexy males are out there flexing. I haven't had this figure out but what I'm doing so far is blocking videos like such and marking them 'Not Interested'.