i_hate_porn
Member
I have found out my fiance who I've been together for 8 years (since I was 18) has been regularly masturbating and using pornography. For the record, I'm in my mid 20's and he's in his late 20's. We know each other since we were in our early teens, we are each other's love of our lives, we want children and a lifetime together and we have been through much hardship that has cemented our relationship and commitment to each other.
Due to economic reasons there have been long periods in our relationship when we have not lived together, we were both staying at our parent's home. He got a great job and we moved together in May this year. I was alone at home cleaning the house and I found some used tissues on his computer desk. This was a regular occurrence and I usually wouldn't bat an eye and throw them in the thrash. However I realized that a few times when I've been cleaning around his desk while he was sitting there sometimes there were tissues and he told me to leave them and he's going to take care of them. I used to think maybe he was blowing his nose and it was gross mucus that he doesn't want me touching by mistake. So this time I sniffed the tissues to check if it's semen by any chance and sure enough, they reeked of stale, dried up semen.
It hit me like lightning right there and then. Our sex life has been utter shit for ages not because "we've just been together for so long" or "it's normal in such a long term relationship to lose physical attraction" but that his sexual energy was consumed by masturbation to pornography. And while our chemistry and my body and touch was enough to have a great sex life for a while, I cannot eternally compete with videos of an infinite number of naked women doing anything you can imagine. I messaged him about the tissues and pornography and he immediately admitted and was remorseful about it. In the beginning and from 2010 until 2015 our sex life has been ranging from amazing to very good. We used to have long, passionate, full body contact, multiple positions, deep passionate french kissing sessions, of sex. We had oral and normal sex, even anal for 3-4 times (not doing that anytime soon though because I don't think it's a natural healthy act even though I enjoyed it).
However slowly but surely our sex life dwindled to the point where the last 2-3 years we have been having PIV sex once a month only, doggystyle every single time, for about 3-4 minutes at most. Last month or two months ago we did have it twice in a month with a week in between the two, also one time was not doggy, but frontal penetration, at the side of the bed, and I felt so happy because of just that. And he would give me oral about 1-3 times a month when I would ask for it insistently. I will not lie, I used pornography myself to masturbate for a couple of times a month (always lesbian. straight pornography has never done a thing for me because I find it fake and repulsive) and I am quitting that myself for good. But it has never deeply affected my sex drive because for me clitoral stimulation is just a tiny part of what I enjoy about sex. He used to love me giving him blowjobs (he said I was amazing at it) but he hasn't asked for one in many months and the last times when he did it took an excruciatingly long time until he came and the whole time he had just a 70-80% erection. I don't think he has any serious PIED though, the few times we have been having sex he does have a hard erection, not losing hardness and also as recently as few months ago he did get hard and wanted to fuck me after giving me oral. I think he just got extremely lazy and regular sex just did not feel as good with all the pornography he has been seeing and masturbating to so he slowly got used to just masturbating at pornography.
Not that it matters very much, but I'm very physically attractive, bmi 19, conventionally beautiful face, long hair, perfect hip-waist ratio (he even says I'm much more beautiful then when we first met) and I've always been highly sexual and open. I take care of myself, dress nice, always wear beautifully done makeup, shave, shower every day, using lotions, perfume etc. And I have NEVER once in my life refused his sexual advances. Just to get that out of the way.
The realization that pornography has destroyed our sex life has devastated me. I used to think he just has low sex drive and he isn't that attracted to me anymore since we've been together for 8 years. Also the low attraction and libido from his part has killed my sex drive as well because there is nothing more off turning than a man who doesn't desire you. He has admitted that he has watched pornography and masturbated for the entirety of our relationship. He says he's been doing it every 3-4 days. I have asked him if by any chance he's escalated to degenerate pornography or homosexual pornography but he said no, was horrified and my question and said that he has been watching fairly "normal porn", one woman and one man kind of stuff. He said he knew on some level that pornography was taking a toll on his sex drive for me but he got lazy about it and never stopped by himself. And he never realized exactly how bad it has been. He says he has been watching and masturbating to porn since he was 12.
He's a vicious person, name the vice and he's been at least a bit into it. Smoking, marijuana, poker, junk food, video games, sugary drinks, occasionally binging on alcohol or drinking too often (happens just in the summer though)...
Also this has coincided with him finally decide to go to the gym already which he has been wanting to for months but never did. He's gained a bit of weight and starting to get a pot belly the last few months and it's disturbing him since he has always been muscular and lean no matter how much he abused his body with junk food.
He says he is committed to never watching pornography ever again and getting our sex life back. He even agrees with me that pornography is evil, a scum on society, abnormal, and a deliberate conspiracy to ruin men, relationships and normal, loving, intimate sex. (he's into conspiracies as well as I am) .
Miraculously, our relationship has been loving as much as a relationship could possibly be when it's being constantly polluted by pornography. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions ever since I found out (also coincided with my PMS which did not made it better). Crying at realizing there has never been truly, 100% intimacy in our relationship. Crying that he has been getting his sexual pleasure met by looking at the bodies of other women. I was furiously angry that I had gotten to the point where I was worried that when we are going to try for a baby (we want to in a couple of years) it is going to be hard to become pregnant with sex once a month, meanwhile he was "inseminating" and wasting his semen on pornography. I have even took up smoking again even if I quit last November because of all the stress. (I hope to be able to give up once I feel better) The second day since I found out we were laying in bed, I was crying with my head on his chest and he was sad and remorseful. In stressful situations in our relationship I tend to get horny, I told him I'm horny so we had sex once that day. He admitted he has knew on some level (that he was trying to repress) that he wasn't satisfying me sexually anymore and that frustrated him and made him grumpier in our relationship. He admits he know a woman can't genuinely respect her man if she isn't getting properly fucked.
He also admits that it's very hypocritical of him to not want anyone to see me naked or for other people to see us having sex but for him to be looking at pornography. I can sense that he's embarrassed and doesn't want to talk much about this subject. He watches videos and reads the stuff I am sending him on the effect of pornography and masturbation but only if I insist on it. I think that even though he is completely aware and committed to not using pornography and masturbating anymore he doesn't want to look into this issues on the internet as much as I am. I think he's just embarrassed, ashamed for letting pornography emasculate him.
Ever since I found out I have removed all the keys from the locks inside the house and we have been sleeping in the same bed every night again. We have been sleeping in separate beds because he works a weird schedule and we would go to bed and wake up at different times but now I realized this was a mistake and further our lack of intimacy.
I have been reading and watching everything I can on this issue and I have concluded that maybe a month (extended to a lifetime) of obviously no masturbation or pornography but also NO SEX could be a good thing for us and that he has to reset his arousal mechanisms from pornography to being aroused by my touch and my body once again. I want him to feel a bit of sexual frustration so he can appreciate real sex again. I proposed this to him and he was first appalled of the thought of not having sex with me at all besides no masturbation. However he is now considering the idea. I also considered using just some arousal like slow, gentle blowjob, with NO ORGASM or letting him finger me or giving me oral sex (it usually makes him hard) for him to start to appreciate simple touch from me again instead of his own hand and pornographic visuals.
Can you give me advice on how to approach this whole issue and this whole process? I keep going from being understanding and supportive to horribly sad or furiously angry and reproaching him how sex starved I have been because he has neglected me, his beautiful, sexy, loving girlfriend in order to masturbate to images of women who don't even know him and don't give a shit about him and I know it's the last thing he wants to hear from me. It's hard to be understating and supportive when you are feeling like this. It's so unfair.
What should my attitude be? What is he going through? What is this process going to be for him ? Thank you in advance for any advice and for reading our story.
Due to economic reasons there have been long periods in our relationship when we have not lived together, we were both staying at our parent's home. He got a great job and we moved together in May this year. I was alone at home cleaning the house and I found some used tissues on his computer desk. This was a regular occurrence and I usually wouldn't bat an eye and throw them in the thrash. However I realized that a few times when I've been cleaning around his desk while he was sitting there sometimes there were tissues and he told me to leave them and he's going to take care of them. I used to think maybe he was blowing his nose and it was gross mucus that he doesn't want me touching by mistake. So this time I sniffed the tissues to check if it's semen by any chance and sure enough, they reeked of stale, dried up semen.
It hit me like lightning right there and then. Our sex life has been utter shit for ages not because "we've just been together for so long" or "it's normal in such a long term relationship to lose physical attraction" but that his sexual energy was consumed by masturbation to pornography. And while our chemistry and my body and touch was enough to have a great sex life for a while, I cannot eternally compete with videos of an infinite number of naked women doing anything you can imagine. I messaged him about the tissues and pornography and he immediately admitted and was remorseful about it. In the beginning and from 2010 until 2015 our sex life has been ranging from amazing to very good. We used to have long, passionate, full body contact, multiple positions, deep passionate french kissing sessions, of sex. We had oral and normal sex, even anal for 3-4 times (not doing that anytime soon though because I don't think it's a natural healthy act even though I enjoyed it).
However slowly but surely our sex life dwindled to the point where the last 2-3 years we have been having PIV sex once a month only, doggystyle every single time, for about 3-4 minutes at most. Last month or two months ago we did have it twice in a month with a week in between the two, also one time was not doggy, but frontal penetration, at the side of the bed, and I felt so happy because of just that. And he would give me oral about 1-3 times a month when I would ask for it insistently. I will not lie, I used pornography myself to masturbate for a couple of times a month (always lesbian. straight pornography has never done a thing for me because I find it fake and repulsive) and I am quitting that myself for good. But it has never deeply affected my sex drive because for me clitoral stimulation is just a tiny part of what I enjoy about sex. He used to love me giving him blowjobs (he said I was amazing at it) but he hasn't asked for one in many months and the last times when he did it took an excruciatingly long time until he came and the whole time he had just a 70-80% erection. I don't think he has any serious PIED though, the few times we have been having sex he does have a hard erection, not losing hardness and also as recently as few months ago he did get hard and wanted to fuck me after giving me oral. I think he just got extremely lazy and regular sex just did not feel as good with all the pornography he has been seeing and masturbating to so he slowly got used to just masturbating at pornography.
Not that it matters very much, but I'm very physically attractive, bmi 19, conventionally beautiful face, long hair, perfect hip-waist ratio (he even says I'm much more beautiful then when we first met) and I've always been highly sexual and open. I take care of myself, dress nice, always wear beautifully done makeup, shave, shower every day, using lotions, perfume etc. And I have NEVER once in my life refused his sexual advances. Just to get that out of the way.
The realization that pornography has destroyed our sex life has devastated me. I used to think he just has low sex drive and he isn't that attracted to me anymore since we've been together for 8 years. Also the low attraction and libido from his part has killed my sex drive as well because there is nothing more off turning than a man who doesn't desire you. He has admitted that he has watched pornography and masturbated for the entirety of our relationship. He says he's been doing it every 3-4 days. I have asked him if by any chance he's escalated to degenerate pornography or homosexual pornography but he said no, was horrified and my question and said that he has been watching fairly "normal porn", one woman and one man kind of stuff. He said he knew on some level that pornography was taking a toll on his sex drive for me but he got lazy about it and never stopped by himself. And he never realized exactly how bad it has been. He says he has been watching and masturbating to porn since he was 12.
He's a vicious person, name the vice and he's been at least a bit into it. Smoking, marijuana, poker, junk food, video games, sugary drinks, occasionally binging on alcohol or drinking too often (happens just in the summer though)...
Also this has coincided with him finally decide to go to the gym already which he has been wanting to for months but never did. He's gained a bit of weight and starting to get a pot belly the last few months and it's disturbing him since he has always been muscular and lean no matter how much he abused his body with junk food.
He says he is committed to never watching pornography ever again and getting our sex life back. He even agrees with me that pornography is evil, a scum on society, abnormal, and a deliberate conspiracy to ruin men, relationships and normal, loving, intimate sex. (he's into conspiracies as well as I am) .
Miraculously, our relationship has been loving as much as a relationship could possibly be when it's being constantly polluted by pornography. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions ever since I found out (also coincided with my PMS which did not made it better). Crying at realizing there has never been truly, 100% intimacy in our relationship. Crying that he has been getting his sexual pleasure met by looking at the bodies of other women. I was furiously angry that I had gotten to the point where I was worried that when we are going to try for a baby (we want to in a couple of years) it is going to be hard to become pregnant with sex once a month, meanwhile he was "inseminating" and wasting his semen on pornography. I have even took up smoking again even if I quit last November because of all the stress. (I hope to be able to give up once I feel better) The second day since I found out we were laying in bed, I was crying with my head on his chest and he was sad and remorseful. In stressful situations in our relationship I tend to get horny, I told him I'm horny so we had sex once that day. He admitted he has knew on some level (that he was trying to repress) that he wasn't satisfying me sexually anymore and that frustrated him and made him grumpier in our relationship. He admits he know a woman can't genuinely respect her man if she isn't getting properly fucked.
He also admits that it's very hypocritical of him to not want anyone to see me naked or for other people to see us having sex but for him to be looking at pornography. I can sense that he's embarrassed and doesn't want to talk much about this subject. He watches videos and reads the stuff I am sending him on the effect of pornography and masturbation but only if I insist on it. I think that even though he is completely aware and committed to not using pornography and masturbating anymore he doesn't want to look into this issues on the internet as much as I am. I think he's just embarrassed, ashamed for letting pornography emasculate him.
Ever since I found out I have removed all the keys from the locks inside the house and we have been sleeping in the same bed every night again. We have been sleeping in separate beds because he works a weird schedule and we would go to bed and wake up at different times but now I realized this was a mistake and further our lack of intimacy.
I have been reading and watching everything I can on this issue and I have concluded that maybe a month (extended to a lifetime) of obviously no masturbation or pornography but also NO SEX could be a good thing for us and that he has to reset his arousal mechanisms from pornography to being aroused by my touch and my body once again. I want him to feel a bit of sexual frustration so he can appreciate real sex again. I proposed this to him and he was first appalled of the thought of not having sex with me at all besides no masturbation. However he is now considering the idea. I also considered using just some arousal like slow, gentle blowjob, with NO ORGASM or letting him finger me or giving me oral sex (it usually makes him hard) for him to start to appreciate simple touch from me again instead of his own hand and pornographic visuals.
Can you give me advice on how to approach this whole issue and this whole process? I keep going from being understanding and supportive to horribly sad or furiously angry and reproaching him how sex starved I have been because he has neglected me, his beautiful, sexy, loving girlfriend in order to masturbate to images of women who don't even know him and don't give a shit about him and I know it's the last thing he wants to hear from me. It's hard to be understating and supportive when you are feeling like this. It's so unfair.
What should my attitude be? What is he going through? What is this process going to be for him ? Thank you in advance for any advice and for reading our story.
