Mirrors can be dangerous, and pornography is a mirror. I was thinking about this on my way into work, so i thought i would share ... it may make sense to other partners about why this hurts us so much, aside from the betrayal, its the pornography itself.
Pornography as a mirror shows us how men see women. Not all men, of course -- but the ways in which many men who accept the conventional conception of masculinity see women. It is unsettling to look into that mirror.
It hurts to know that no matter who you are as a woman or girl you can be reduced to a thing to be penetrated, and that men will watch movies about that, and that in many of those movies your humiliation and abuse will be the central theme. It hurts to know that so much of the pornography that our partners are consuming fuses sexual desire with cruelty and abuse.
Even those of us women, who have found ways to cope with the actual injuries from male violence in other situations, struggle with that pornographic reality. It is one thing to deal with acts, even extremely violent acts. It is another to know the thoughts, ideas, and fantasies that lie behind those acts.
People routinely assume that pornography is such a difficult and divisive issue because it's about sex. In fact, this culture struggles unsuccessfully with pornography because it is about men's cruelty to women, and the pleasure men sometimes take in that cruelty. And that is much more difficult for people -- men and women -- to face.
This doesn't mean that all men take sexual pleasure in cruelty. It doesn't mean that all women reject pornography. There is great individual variation in the human species, but there also are patterns in any society. And when those patterns tell us things about ourselves and the world in which we live that are difficult, we often want to look away.
Pornography as a mirror shows us how men see women. Not all men, of course -- but the ways in which many men who accept the conventional conception of masculinity see women. It is unsettling to look into that mirror.
It hurts to know that no matter who you are as a woman or girl you can be reduced to a thing to be penetrated, and that men will watch movies about that, and that in many of those movies your humiliation and abuse will be the central theme. It hurts to know that so much of the pornography that our partners are consuming fuses sexual desire with cruelty and abuse.
Even those of us women, who have found ways to cope with the actual injuries from male violence in other situations, struggle with that pornographic reality. It is one thing to deal with acts, even extremely violent acts. It is another to know the thoughts, ideas, and fantasies that lie behind those acts.
People routinely assume that pornography is such a difficult and divisive issue because it's about sex. In fact, this culture struggles unsuccessfully with pornography because it is about men's cruelty to women, and the pleasure men sometimes take in that cruelty. And that is much more difficult for people -- men and women -- to face.
This doesn't mean that all men take sexual pleasure in cruelty. It doesn't mean that all women reject pornography. There is great individual variation in the human species, but there also are patterns in any society. And when those patterns tell us things about ourselves and the world in which we live that are difficult, we often want to look away.